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Old 06-01-2012, 01:02 PM   #1
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Angry and need to vent!!!

Hi.

I am a previous poster but I changed my handle for a variety of reasons.

My aunt has been comfortably settled in her NH for 8 months.

Mentally she is at the point where sometimes she remembers the past, her previous house and jobs and sometimes, not at all. For example, when I go, I always say, Hi Auntie, it's me, your niece Uva, come to visit you. She confuses the places she used to live (confuses her childhood home with the house she lived in for nearly 50 years, sometimes completely forgets that house, etc.)

Since January, her house has been rented to a lovely family. This supplements her income which is important because it is likely she would not pass a Medicaid applicaiton at this time, so every penny counts. I put in a three month notice clause so that on the off chance she ever went back (which is unlikely, due to her condition and also the completely inconvenient setup of the house), we would have an escape hatch.

In the fall, when she was a little more with it, on a lucid day she asked about the house sitting empty and I told her we could rent it and earn money for her. At the time she was happy to hear this and even bragged to my sister that her little house was earning money".

Since that time her comprehension has declined significantly.

The family who rented it love the house and have made some lovely improvements including planting lovely flowers in the front.

The other cousins were informed that her house was being rented. (side note, these people all own their own homes and live 45 - 60 minutes away). By the time it was rented, my aunt had forgotten it and believed she was living in the bank for 20 years (she thinks the NH is a bank). Therefore when I told them it was rented, I also suggested to everyone that they not allude to the house unless she mentioned it and if she did, they could certainly say with honesty it was rented to a lovely family and she was making money from it.

The other day, one of these cousins went by the house, took pictures of front and back and went to visit my aunt (after not seeing her or calling her for months).

They told her that other people were living in her house and what would happen if she got better and wanted to go back. They said Uva gave it to these people right out from under you. They showed her pictures of the house and said wouldn't you rather be back at this beautiful house with all these flowers instead of here, with nothing of your own. Now, they told her, you have no where to live and the house you worked so hard for is gone, thanks to Uva.

Thankfully they were stupid enough to have this discussion with her right in the group room in front of the supervising aide. (I suspect that they did not even notice the woman was there in the capacity of supervising. Either that or are so incredibly stupid they saw nothing wrong with this.)

Naturally my aunt became increasingly upset and eventually had a panic attack at which point the supervisor asked them to leave and they called me to report my aunt's condition which by then was hysteria. Off the record they clued me in to the conversation they had overheard and apologized they did not stop it but that they really have no right to eject a visitor until the patient gets upset but that they thought what the cousin did was horrible.

Naturally the conversation upset my aunt terribly. And the pictures confused my poor aunt beyond all recognition. Part of her recognized the house and part of her didn't. She could not understand why the flowers were there when they weren't there before and became hysterical trying to figure out how they got there. She has been having nightmares about it and been very hysterical and afraid.

I know that she could only comprehend certain parts of what they said - such as the "now you have no where to live" part - because now she believes that she is a homeless person who is hiding in the bank and may get thrown out if they find her living there. She has nightmares about the flowers in front of the house growing into giant vines and strangling her and thinks someone put them there to kill her and steal her house. She is humiliated that she "lost her house" and doesn't know how it happened since she thought she was an honest, hardworking person but now realizes she was a ne'er do well, homeless and on welfare. She wants me to bring all her gold bars (she thinks I have converted all her money to gold bars) to the NH so she can see and count it.

I and the staff have been doing all we can think of to allay her fears and am hoping that this will soon pass but in the meantime the poor woman is really suffering!

In the meantime I am very angry with this person!! But WHAT kind of person would do this? What kind of horrible motives could have motivated them?

Sadly, I know the motives and how bad they are.

I left this person a message saying that I was very, very disappointed and angry with them for doing this and that our aunt was placed into a great state of anxiety and hysteria by these thoughtless actions.

I am waiting to cool down a little before I address it further with them because right now I will only rant like a crazy person.

In the meantime I have made an off the record "gentleman's agreement" the mgt to alert me if this visitor shows up again.

Thank you for listening and I welcome comments and ideas from those who are currently in a more level-headed state than I am right now!

Last edited by UvaPandol; 06-01-2012 at 01:46 PM.

 
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:16 PM   #2
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

Uva,

I am sorry this happened. First of all, did you notify the cousins earlier that you rented the house and it is 3 months term and it is Auntie's money earned? I mean to tell them it is her money whatsoever? I wonder if they have this understanding to begin with. At least they should understand why she needs to go to the NH.
Secondly, I think the cousins have no clues that they should not upset the aunt who has dementia. It does not help to tell auntie because she is unable to do anything about it. Either they thought she knew what to do (to hate you and get the house back and that kind of thing) or they just want to make it difficult for you.
However, they don't understand this will hurt her badly. They may know or may not care. Since I don't know them I cannot judge their mind.

The only thing you may do is to tell the NH to ban them from visiting her or calling her in case they would upset her again.

So sorry this happened. You are a nice niece! She is lucky to have you!

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 06-01-2012 at 02:23 PM.

 
Old 06-01-2012, 05:49 PM   #3
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

I am so sorry that this has happened to your aunt. The motivations and intent of some people!!!! You wonder if they have any humanity in them. Either they have no clue what this type of trauma can do to someone with dementia, or they did it intentionally for which they should be banned. If it was intentional, which your note sounds like it might be, I would not worry about calming down and discussing it with them. They won't get it!

Who has the POA for your aunt? These individuals that upset your aunt so, in ear shot of the staff, should be banned from seeing your Aunt again. They can do a lot of damage while you are being notified. In my book they don't deserve to ever see their aunt again!!

Love, deb

 
Old 06-05-2012, 02:07 PM   #4
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

Thanks to you both for the support.

YES, all the cousins with a legitimate interest were told all the key details of the house situation and informed in detail about her mental state, via written materials and many personal conversations.

I consulted the attorney and the nursing hojme before I dealt with this offending relative because I wanted to see where I stood from the legal standpoint.

The nursing home said they would support the idea of only allowing this person to visit her when I or a person I designate am present, because this is the second problem this person has caused where he has been asked to leave. They are sending him a certified letter to that effect.

The attorney said it would be quite a process to try to legally ban him, but that the nursing home idea sounded excellent, and he is sending an official letter stating that I expect him to adhere to the nursing home dictum and that if he does not, there are other actions that will be pursued.

I then called this person, made my feelings known and let them know this new situation and made it very clear that if he causes more trouble, I will follow up as needed and that I expect NO MORE TROUBLE from him.

My aunt is still in a kerfuffle though. Now she keeps putting all her things in plastic bags and trying to wheel them around with her, "since she is a bag lady now".

ARRGGHH!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
I am so sorry that this has happened to your aunt. The motivations and intent of some people!!!! You wonder if they have any humanity in them. Either they have no clue what this type of trauma can do to someone with dementia, or they did it intentionally for which they should be banned. If it was intentional, which your note sounds like it might be, I would not worry about calming down and discussing it with them. They won't get it!

Who has the POA for your aunt? These individuals that upset your aunt so, in ear shot of the staff, should be banned from seeing your Aunt again. They can do a lot of damage while you are being notified. In my book they don't deserve to ever see their aunt again!!

Love, deb

 
Old 06-05-2012, 02:50 PM   #5
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

Good for you!!! I am glad you took action to resolve future problem with this individual and I do hope he complies with the new rules. It is nice that the care facility is willing to work with you!!

As for you Aunt, if it helps her to stay calm to carry her stuff around then so be it. It is only when her anxiety rises to an unhealthy level that you need to worry. My Mom carried stuff with her ever mile she traveled for years. Books and pillows (including chair cushions) were her favorites. It does no harm and in some strange way it was comforting to her. As bizarre as it seems... it is the type of behavior you commonly see. So just be concerned if there is anxiety or angst present.

Hopefully your aunt will have a period of calmness for a while!!.. and you as well!

Love, deb

 
Old 06-05-2012, 03:00 PM   #6
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

I am glad you got support to tell this guy off. Usually it is not about legal restricting order and that kind of thing. The NH can tell the person not to come or set a condition saying he is bothering her mentally and the NH does not like to be annoyed. It is a very medical reason.

There is a famous movie star/model whose Mom has dementia and is in a NH. One day a reporter pretended to be her friend and went to be with the Mom and took her out for social and etc. Not sure what happened, either he wrote something in the paper or did something to confuse her Mom, the movie star was very mad and banned him from visiting.
This is just medical and does not have to be legal. Well a reporter is too much... He just wanted to learn about the movie star from her Mom.
(Cannot name her here.)

My FIL packed some books in his old briefcase some years ago and waited at the door of his old house for my husband saying he belonged with him. Well he didn't even know how to pack! He forgot about it later but we moved him to VT's NH.
At least she got things to do by pushing the bags around...

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 06-05-2012 at 03:01 PM.

 
Old 06-05-2012, 03:11 PM   #7
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

Nina... Mom and Dad had been in their facility for a while when I received an urgent phone call requesting a list of approved people who could take Mom or Dad out of the facility. I had to give them a list immediately but could change it later if I needed to. HUH!!! I found out later that night on the news that the incident you talked about here was at a sister facility to the one Mom and Dad were in! So they went one step further.... There is now a list of approved people that are allowed to take Mom out and nobody else can sign her out.

You can include such in your loved one's ISP. You can name people that are not allowed to visit for reasons of physical or mental health. You can list those that are allowed to take a loved one out or those that should not be allowed. You can request that you be notified when visitors are present. This can be important if your loved one has dementia.

Love, deb

 
Old 06-07-2012, 06:30 AM   #8
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

yes, the bags are keeping her busy right now!

And I do have restrictions so that no one has permission to take her out without my permission.

Under the new arrangement, I have a list of visitors who are fine, a list of visitors not allowed with me being present, and anyone not on the list, they will call me to alert me.



Quote:
Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
I am glad you got support to tell this guy off. Usually it is not about legal restricting order and that kind of thing. The NH can tell the person not to come or set a condition saying he is bothering her mentally and the NH does not like to be annoyed. It is a very medical reason.

There is a famous movie star/model whose Mom has dementia and is in a NH. One day a reporter pretended to be her friend and went to be with the Mom and took her out for social and etc. Not sure what happened, either he wrote something in the paper or did something to confuse her Mom, the movie star was very mad and banned him from visiting.
This is just medical and does not have to be legal. Well a reporter is too much... He just wanted to learn about the movie star from her Mom.
(Cannot name her here.)

My FIL packed some books in his old briefcase some years ago and waited at the door of his old house for my husband saying he belonged with him. Well he didn't even know how to pack! He forgot about it later but we moved him to VT's NH.
At least she got things to do by pushing the bags around...

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 06-07-2012, 06:33 AM   #9
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

Thanks to you both for the moral support.

Now I have it set up so that no one can take her out without my permission. Period.

There is a list of "OK" visitors and a list of visitors not allowed with my being present. If anyone else shows up then they will call me for permission before admitting them.

I wish they had mentioned this possibility to me when the offending relative got tossed out the first time!

I suppose they try to strike a balance between encouraging the good visitors and discouraging the bad ones!!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Nina... Mom and Dad had been in their facility for a while when I received an urgent phone call requesting a list of approved people who could take Mom or Dad out of the facility. I had to give them a list immediately but could change it later if I needed to. HUH!!! I found out later that night on the news that the incident you talked about here was at a sister facility to the one Mom and Dad were in! So they went one step further.... There is now a list of approved people that are allowed to take Mom out and nobody else can sign her out.

You can include such in your loved one's ISP. You can name people that are not allowed to visit for reasons of physical or mental health. You can list those that are allowed to take a loved one out or those that should not be allowed. You can request that you be notified when visitors are present. This can be important if your loved one has dementia.

Love, deb

 
Old 06-07-2012, 07:23 AM   #10
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

It would be nice if all scenarios were prepared for but there are just too many. With most care facility patients there is never a problem with visitors. Many times family dynamics are not known. Just glad that it is all worked out now. This can be a word of warning to others with difficult family dynamics or friends that do not understand. Determine who is beneficial and who is toxic and make sure your facility is aware.

I do hope you Aunt is content That is what we all wish for!!

Love, Deb

 
Old 06-07-2012, 08:47 AM   #11
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Re: Angry and need to vent!!!

This is great! I am glad you can control the visitors now. The sad part is we always have to deal with the friends or family who don't understand and want to meddle.
One reason that we moved my FIL to VT is that we don't want any friends to bug us. Some are nosy and some are friendly. It is nature that they want to find out if we have done the right thing. But my husband has POA and it is none of their business to tell us what is right or wrong. I mean, when my FIL left his home, his young friend said to visit him and give him love... Well, my FIL is self-centered and he never cared about my husband's work. Yes, we need to offer love but if she understand what is going on...

Hugs,
Nina

 
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