Oh my sounds like you really have your hands full!
It can be VERY hard to deal with someone with your sister’s problems. Harder, in fact, than dealing with the Alzheimer’s patient. I am sorry for your sister's problem but, it seems like she must be a quite a problem to deal with.
If it were just a matter of dealing with your sister, I would suggest that you stop walking on eggs and protect yourself!
But, you are worried about your Mom getting taken care of properly and that changes things!
I think your smart move will be to consult an attorney and the Alz assn.
POA can be tricky depending on how the original is worded. Some POA documents permit the delegation to an alternate; some do not. If hers does maybe you could persuade your sister to delegate it to you for a while.
In your Mom’s state she would probably be considered not fit to revoke it herself and made a new assignment.
In the most extreme cases there could be a guardianship suit but that is not an easy path either. It sounds like your sister has mishandled things and you might prevail but it is expensive and rather long and often leads to bad feelings.
Going to an elder care attorney is absolutely the best thing you can do – only an attorney can tell you what the situation is in the state(s) involved!
That said, any solution that can be resolved out of court is usually less expensive, shorter and incurs less ill will - even if there is threat of legal action.
Sometimes even if someone knows you have been to an attorney and may proceed legally, they will back down. Especially if they do not have the mental or financial resources to face a fight, which frankly it sounds like your sister does not. If her life is not “together” then you sister may not really be able to push back and might go along with requests from you and your siblings.
Sometimes they will later realize you are right and sometimes they will resent you forever but sometimes you have to do tough things to do right by the parent.
In the meantime, you should find a way to protect yourself or shield yourself from your sister even while doing everything necessary to help your Mom. It is too darn upsetting dealing with people like this; in fact, it can ruin a person’s life, if you let it.
If you are going to end up fighting her, or even trying to persuade her, you MUST remain emotionally calm and not let her hit your buttons. You must find a way to become DETACHED.
Even if you need some counseling to help you figure out how to do so, I think you are going to have to find a way. Believe me I know it is very hard.
Just from what I am hearing from you it sounds like your Mom might be better off in a NH, outside the whirl of all this.
Originally Posted by stellabella123
I just got off the phone with my 50 year old sister who is the primary caregiver of my mother who has stage 5 alzheimer. SNIP Sorry for ramblin so much on my first post but I just needed to vent!