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Old 06-24-2012, 09:57 PM   #1
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Husband comitting elder abuse ???

We live with my folks who are in their 90's and my mom has dementia. She's never been evaluated yet and many days are very difficult. My husband's treatment of her really hurts me sometimes...he tells her she's crazy and complains to her that they have the same conversations every day about the same things. She doesn't believe it's her home thinks it's a rest home and that we work there, etc. She of course asks the same questions every night about where they are to sleep and whatnot. But my husband doesn't have much compassion or patience with her and acts like HE'S the only one who's suffering, he never considers my mom's suffering from her confusion. Does this consistute elder abuse ? How he treats her ???

 
Old 06-24-2012, 10:48 PM   #2
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

I would say yes. He is verbally abusing her which I feel is as bad as physical abuse. I would suggest that you do get her evaluated. Once you have a diagnosis there is no excuse for his treatment of her. How is your Dad with this treatment of his wife by your husband? It is obvious that it bothers you! It sounds like an bad situation to me. Is there a ways for Mom and Dad to go into a care facility such as assisted living? Are you living in Mom and Dad's house or are they living in yours? I would definitely reprimand my husband if he did these things to my Mom and find a way to make other arrangements if he was not willing to stop.

Love, deb

 
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:24 AM   #3
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

I agree with Deb. A cmplete evaluation would be good and also I think your husband's behavior is abusive, but it might be out of stress and ignorance of what dementia entails and how to behave with a dementia patient. It is very stressful to have someone at home and if it is not your own relative and you don't understand dementia, it must be very hard. So while I would not want to tolerate it, I would not assume it is driven by a desire to abuse her.

An evaluation will help everyone and there might even be some drugs that can help your mom's behavior.

Your mom's behavior is what it is, she cannot change it; if your husband is not willing to change his then at some point I am not sure they can coexist in the same residence for long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nvjules View Post
We live with my folks who are in their 90's and my mom has dementia. She's never been evaluated yet and many days are very difficult. My husband's treatment of her really hurts me sometimes...he tells her she's crazy and complains to her that they have the same conversations every day about the same things. She doesn't believe it's her home thinks it's a rest home and that we work there, etc. She of course asks the same questions every night about where they are to sleep and whatnot. But my husband doesn't have much compassion or patience with her and acts like HE'S the only one who's suffering, he never considers my mom's suffering from her confusion. Does this consistute elder abuse ? How he treats her ???

 
Old 06-25-2012, 07:13 AM   #4
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

It's not right, but he is probably slowing losing HIS mind, due to the stress. The situation is not fair to either of them. Hopefully, you can come up with a solution.

 
Old 06-25-2012, 09:02 AM   #5
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

I would like to ask if your husband abuses you as well? It goes with his personality. So I cannot say why he is doing this to your Mom. If it is due to his not understanding the disease or dementia, he can be trained to shut up and talk nicely to her. On the other hand, if he deliberately puts his stress on her saying it is all her sickness and forgetfulness that gets him impatient, it is not right. If he cannot say the right thing, he may as well stay away and does not see Mom whatsoever or talk to her whatsoever.

It is your call. If he thinks Mom is bad, then you need to explain to him it is the disease. If he is bad, then you know what I mean. Distance him from Mom first. If necessary, he cannot live with Mom or vice versa.
The other possiblity is there is conflict between the 2. They just don't get along. It is typical that MIL and SIL don't get along at times. If it is just about the way they deal with each other, the husband has to stay away because your Mom is sick. I mean, your Mom may also have conflict with him. I cannot judge as I don't know your family. It is your call to see what exactly is going on.

However, this cannot go on for sure. Make Mom angry or stressful is not the way to cope with dementia.
I know sometimes it is so frustrating that you may want to talk to her to be "fair" (like he told her too many times or there is past conflicts and etc.)
But it is too late for that if Mom has dementia.


Regards,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 06-25-2012 at 09:12 AM.

 
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:50 PM   #6
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

Dear nvjules,

How sad for you and your Mom. I would have to say yes it is abuse, and no abuse is good. If your Mom had cancer would he be saying these things to her? Do your best to help him understand that this is a disease. If she is 90 years old, he should be told to leave her alone. You will want to nip this in the butt immediately, so when something does happen to her you will not feel guilty for not sticking up for you Mom when she was sick. I will say a prayer for you, and good luck.

Sincerely,
CAJ

 
Old 06-26-2012, 06:57 AM   #7
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

Dear nvjules,

Certainly your current situation is less than desirable, to say the least. However, without any among us being there, we are only getting what you described in a few sentences, an incomplete picture at best. Based strictly on your sentences, and strictly taking them at face value, i agree that it is abuse.

I am going on a limb here and ask: how is your relationship with your husband otherwise? Was it a joint decision in having your mother move in? Although I am not pardoning any verbal transgressions if they were as you related, I can also understand the level of resentment if he felt he was excluded from the decision making process. Perhaps by trying to understand why he feels so resentful might be the best approach. Open dialog is always good, and everyone benefits, especially your mother.

I wish you the best. It is not an easy situation you are in. - luau

Last edited by Luau; 06-26-2012 at 06:58 AM.

 
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Old 07-14-2012, 12:32 PM   #8
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

I have reminded him over and over that she has a disease. When she gets biligerant and he starts yelling at her I have even told him to leave the room or get out of the house. He has an anger management problem. Has screamed and yeled at me for yearsssss. He takeis an anti-depressent and it keeps him on an even keel but he needs to learn to control himself. He also seems to think he is entitled to treat her badly because I didn't have a good relationship with his mother (and neither did HE) which is just sick.

 
Old 07-14-2012, 01:46 PM   #9
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

It does not matter what he thinks and I think he won't change overnight. He may need time to get anger management or he will never change.
The important thing is to make sure he does not bother MIL anymore
Is it possible that MIL can go to an AL or memory unit? Is there any other relatives who can take care of her?
The way he treats you says that he is an angry person. He should not be with Mom like that. Since he cannot move out if not divorced or separated, MIL has to move out for better care.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-14-2012 at 01:46 PM.

 
Old 07-14-2012, 02:24 PM   #10
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Re: Husband comitting elder abuse ???

nv, hubby is not going to change his behavior just became your Mom is in the house and has dementia. From what you have said here this is a pattern of behavior that goes way back. He yelled at you for years. He now yells at your Mom. You tell him she is sick and he keeps yelling. I bet he yells at you as well You can't expect somebody to change a life long pattern that he has not already changed in the past. You need to think long and hard about keeping Mom (and perhaps even yourself) in this situation with a person who has an "anger management problem". Dementia is frustrating for those of us with patient... it can be volatile if one has a short fuse! You can no more change him than you can your Mom......

Love, deb

 
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