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Old 06-25-2012, 01:49 PM   #1
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Query

My mom lives in a nursing home and the lady who lives next door her husband comes to visit her quite often and when I happen to run in to him on a Sunday he'll say to me "are you taking your mom out for lunch or dinner" "are you taking her out" "are you taking her to your place" and if we are planning on just going to the cafe and we say no then he'll say "why not"? He does this all the time and I feel it isn't any of his business what we do with my mother. If we take her out every day or every 6 months what is it to him? What can I say to him in a nice way as I have to see him at the home all the time. Other than this he is a nice man and sometimes when he brings cake for his wife he'll also give some to my mom, which is quite thoughtful of him. It is this other problem I don't like. Ideas please!!

 
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Old 06-25-2012, 01:58 PM   #2
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Re: Query

I think it depends on his motive. Is he trying to find out how people take care of the persons with dementia? Maybe he is trying to compare his wife to your Mom. Or maybe he just wants to be friendly and nosy kindly. But I understand you feel he is nosy and seems to judge what you are doing...
You can kindly tell him your answer. Or you can try to avoid him. Maybe he is nice to your Mom thinking you should return the favor to be nice to him too as families.

Maybe you can kindly tell him it is personal and private. If he just wants to be close as a family, maybe you can share with him the story about your Mom and he can share with you the story about his wife too.

Maybe he is looking for family support. Does the NH have any family support group? Where my FIL is has family support group on Wednesday monthly. Maybe it is what he is looking for - the support of caregiving for the person with dementia. Maybe you can suggest that he goes to the family support group.

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Old 06-25-2012, 02:33 PM   #3
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Re: Query

do be kind. it really is none of his business. u can say when we are ready we will take her out or explain the truth. can you take ur mom out or is it to hard. always tell the truth. i think its the best way.

 
Old 06-25-2012, 03:56 PM   #4
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Re: Query

Yes I do take her out for dinner and she comes to my hubby and my home for dinner. It is just that we don't do it too often because it is too much for her and for me. My mom thinks everything is the same as when she was 50 years old. But as we know it isn't when you have dementia. It is hard for me because I have to watch her all the time and when she is out everything seems strange to her but she still wants to go out. Sometimes I feel I should take her out more and other times it is easier if we don't go out. Then it comes down to money and always wanting to buy clothes which she does not need.

 
Old 06-25-2012, 06:46 PM   #5
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Re: Query

Be kind. If he is an old man visiting his wife in a nursing home he is probably lonely and a little sad. Maybe he can no longer take his wife out anymore and is curious how you manage to take your mom out or why you don't. If you don't take her out and tell him why he may share with you the problems he has in getting his wife out. You may look like a nice person to him so please don't be curt. Of course if you are curt it might put an end to it. But with the elderly I tend to err on the side of patience.

 
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bearcubs (06-25-2012)
Old 06-25-2012, 06:50 PM   #6
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Re: Query

Bingo... you are conflicted about not taking Mom out more. You are doing what you know is right for Mom and he keeps questioning so you second guess yourself. STOP IT! He is just being nice and trying to make conversation. Tell him you take Mom out as often as is right for her. Or just tell him you are undecided. I bet he is not prying intentionally, just looking for something to say and is stuck on taking Mom out. Does he take his wife out all the time? Perhaps he is looking for validation that it's ok not to take them out all the time. I would just nicely say "you take her out when the time is right" and then find something else to have conversation about. Be nice and let it go!

Love, deb

 
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bearcubs (06-25-2012)
Old 06-25-2012, 08:41 PM   #7
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Re: Query

I would say

It's kind of you to think of her. We have found it is better to not take her out too much. Everyone is different.

If you want to follow up further, you can say, Are you taking your wife out?

If he gets pushy about why and why not, Just smiel and laugh slightly and say "Oh trust, me, it just works out better to stay here. But thanks for asking."

That has shut up everyone so far (except the other dementia patients :-) )

Everyone on earth asks me and tells me to take my aunt out and for a while it really bothered me but now I just give the following reply and it works fine.

Who knows why he is bringing up. Maybe he wants company, maybe your mom seems ok and he is just interested, maybe he wants to tag along with his wife, who knows what is going on in his head.

QUOTE=bearcubs;5006537]My mom lives in a nursing home and the lady who lives next door her husband comes to visit her quite often and when I happen to run in to him on a Sunday he'll say to me "are you taking your mom out for lunch or dinner" "are you taking her out" "are you taking her to your place" and if we are planning on just going to the cafe and we say no then he'll say "why not"? He does this all the time and I feel it isn't any of his business what we do with my mother. If we take her out every day or every 6 months what is it to him? What can I say to him in a nice way as I have to see him at the home all the time. Other than this he is a nice man and sometimes when he brings cake for his wife he'll also give some to my mom, which is quite thoughtful of him. It is this other problem I don't like. Ideas please!![/QUOTE]

 
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bearcubs (06-25-2012)
Old 06-25-2012, 08:45 PM   #8
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Re: Query

Oh and one other thing

We found out that my aunt was always telling people that we took her here and we took her there, and that she was always going out. it is completley not true but my aunt "seems OK" and so they believed her.

I think sometimes they were just curious to see how we managed to take her out so much and how it worked out so well, or just looking for confirmation about what was happening.

Do not feel bad about the taking out. I think once past a certain stage taking the patient out is greatly overrated; it sounds good but it is not really that good. Too much upheaval for them. They may WANT to go out but it is stressful for them


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Originally Posted by bearcubs View Post
Yes I do take her out for dinner and she comes to my hubby and my home for dinner. It is just that we don't do it too often because it is too much for her and for me. My mom thinks everything is the same as when she was 50 years old. But as we know it isn't when you have dementia. It is hard for me because I have to watch her all the time and when she is out everything seems strange to her but she still wants to go out. Sometimes I feel I should take her out more and other times it is easier if we don't go out. Then it comes down to money and always wanting to buy clothes which she does not need.

 
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bearcubs (06-25-2012)
Old 06-25-2012, 09:26 PM   #9
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Re: Query

No he doesn't take her out all the time but when he does he always let's me know about it.

 
Old 06-26-2012, 08:54 AM   #10
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Re: Query

Bear... I bet he is just trying to have conversation and doesn't know what else to talk about. Having a spouse with Alzheimer's is a lonely existence. People talk about what they have in common and what you have in common with this man is if you take Mom out. He may be looking for validation that he is doing the right thing. In this case I think it's not about you but about his loneliness and uncertainties

Love, deb

 
Old 06-26-2012, 09:10 AM   #11
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Re: Query

I think he probably does not have any bad motives. Maybe he is just seeking to talk about going out, maybe he wants company going out together or to see how you manage it, maybe he wants credit for when he takes his wife out and it makes him feel good that he takes out his wife more than you take out your patient.

I know it irked the heck out of me that people were always asking me that and finally I realized it was because deep down I wished I could take my aunt out and was afraid that others, not fully aware of the situation, would judge me as selfish or uncaring because i did not take her out.

Then I finally realized that I know best and I don't answer to these people, and that mostly they don't have ill intent; they mean well.

So I just tell them what works best for us and I thank them and sometimes I add on "How I wish it were different! I would love it if things were at a point where she could go out."

It is both superficial and completely true, and who knows, maybe this response will somehow help someone else feel more secure about their decision not to take the patient out.

I have learned the same about visiting. My aunt does better when I keep my visits short and sweet, a few times a week. Since this is about her, and not me, I keep it to that. It used to bother me when people would comment, I always took it to mean they thought I should visit more. Finally I realized, who cares what they think? And maybe they are just looking for reassurance that maybe they can do the same. So now I just say "We find it worked out best this way. It would be great if it were otherwise!"

It was kind of a process to build up that feeling of security in what I have chosen to do but once you get there... it is a big relief.
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No he doesn't take her out all the time but when he does he always let's me know about it.

 
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