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Old 07-16-2012, 09:46 AM   #1
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Hello
I want to thank all of you who responded to my post. I have been severely depressed the last few weeks so i have been of the pc. I have tried everything that was suggested on your replies,to no evail. a little more info about me and my situation. I am 46 and my mother is 70. Over the last 2yrs,i have seen her get progressively worse. I rarely use the computer,so please understand if i do not get back to each reply? We went to a attorney to set up a durable power of attorney and because we live in a poor enviroment,the attorney felt i was trying to scam my mother? I have no idea how she came to this conclusion,but she basically talked mother out of it? I have done what a lot of you have expressed,tried reasoning with her,and all it does is upset her? We argue almost every day,and that brings on my depression. I am scared because my mother's spending is going to cost us our house? I divorced 8 yrs ago,and made the mistake of investing most of my money into helping my mother pay off all her debts and a few joint real estate ventures? She recouped most losses,while i lost everything. The only thing thats left is our current house. I am now physically disabled(back injury) and caring for my mother,it is extremely difficult but i was managing. I mostly posted my situation in hopes of hearing that im not alone,and thanks to you i now know im not. Thank you all for sharing and god bless!

 
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:53 PM   #2
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Re: depressed son

You need to get your own attorney who is on your side. If you go "together" with Mom, the professionals are hers, not yours. Naturally she will supprt Mom, not you. If Mom says something to convince the lawyer, you have no chance. It depends on her stage of memory loss. When my late FIL was at the lawyer's, on the surface he seemed OK but he came home saying we wanted to change his wills illegally and wanted to sue us. Fortunately the stuff he said didn't make sense at all because the lawyer just asked if HE wanted to change the wills, not us trying to steal it!!

It is a bit tricky. You have to find your own friends on your side to argue for you, esp. if Mom tried to get you arrested many times...
There are free legal aid helps, please call Alzheimer's association in your local area.

Good luck,
Nina

 
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Old 07-16-2012, 04:36 PM   #3
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Re: depressed son

Find another lawyer. I believe the first overstepped his bounds in making accusations such as that. History proves you have lost a lot more than you will ever gain and you just want to help your Mom. Try again please....

Yes, this disease is progressive and it will only get worse and worse. Each phase has it own problems to deal with. Just know that eventually the spending will stop and be replaced with something else. As I said in previous post... you can NOT reason with her! You are right, all it will do is upset your Mom. She is not fully comprehending what you say and therefore she is responding negatively to what she does not understand. The longer and more in depth the discussion is, the more she will be confused, and the more negative her response. The only way not to argue with her is to not expect her to have a rational conversation with you. She has obviously lost sight of money, numbers, and understanding finances. It is not easy to keep her away from the money but that is what needs to happen. If she doesn't have access (to money or ability to purchase) then she can not spend it.

Depression is coming from the overwhelming feelings that this disease fills you with. Worry about the future, concerns about dealing with Mom as she gets worse, anticipatory grief, cut off from support, and so many other characteristics of dealing with this disease will cause depression. That is why learning as much as you can about this disease helps. Know what you are facing. When you talk to the new lawyer ask them about the possibility of Medicaid benefits for your Mom. Find a local support group through the Alzheimer's Association and go to the meetings. You will connect with others in your area who are dealing with similar situations. Ask for a geriatric psychiatrist consult to deal with your Mom's spending habits. They can not only help Mom but also give you guidance as to how to deal with the situation. And know you can always come here

Love, deb

 
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Old 07-16-2012, 06:44 PM   #4
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Re: depressed son

education right now is the best answer. keep venting it does help

 
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Old 07-17-2012, 02:41 AM   #5
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Re: depressed son

I agree that there's something off about the legal visit. Either something was misunderstood, or your Mom made it clear that the visit was about her needs. An alternative could be that your Mom hasn't been formally diagnosed yet, and the lawyer didn't understand the situation.

If an elder patient hasn't been diagnosed and someone comes in to ask how can I take control of his or her assets, it can obviously be viewed wrongly. On the other hand, once the patient is diagnosed the issue of competency to sign the legal paperwork arises. Some lawyers will interview the patient and try to reach their own conclusion about competency. Ohers will request that the physician provide an opinion. Their decision can be complicated by the stage of dementia (for ex., is Medicaid likely in the near future and could the issue of transfer of assets be examined within a shorter time), and if there are other family members that might contest the patient's competency.

The first elder lawyer we saw explained to us that we needed to make it clear who was going to be his client. If my DH was the client, his advice would focus on asset preservation and making sure that funds and property were available for nursing home care down the road. If I was the client, his answers would focus on asset preservation to protect me. (Fortunately in our case, DH was diagnosed early enough that he was still competent to participate in our family planning.)

You really don't have a choice if you're going to try to save your home and help your Mother. You need a lawyer's help, and you need to explain the full situation. Time to try again, either with this lawyer or a different one! It's also necessary to think about your own future and care. Depression is common for caregivers, and yours is probably complicated by your own medical condition. Make sure that you're getting medical care for yourself.

Last edited by Beginning; 07-17-2012 at 02:45 AM.

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 12:17 PM   #6
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Re: depressed son

Hey Depressed - Just wondering how you're doing?

 
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