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Old 07-20-2012, 07:46 AM   #1
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Things are only getting worse

Hello, just thought I would give an update on my situation. You may remember that hubby and I had made a list of appointments that his parents have coming up, and at a party last weekend we were going to insist that other family members step up and help out with taking them. I am having surgery in a week and a half and wont be able to drive for a couple of weeks afterwards.

Well, not surprisingly more than half of his siblings did not come to the birthday party so the "chore list exchange" never happened. I did mention it to one of his sisters who did come, and her response was that she just needed as much advance notice as possible.

One of hubbys brothers - his wife has been helpful, and will take MIL to hairdresser when she can. One of his sisters has many the same feelings as I do. She and I are the "bad guys" because we feel that more needs to be done for both MIL and FIL. She visits a couple of times a week, but does not help with their appointments...she also watches her 3 grandchildren daily.

So, I was disappointed to say the least that nothing was accomplished and I was really getting down. I decided, and discussed with hubby, that I am just no longer going to manage their appointments. I always have to take them, or find someone to take them, or ask someone to sit with FIL while I take MIL to an appt. Its like Im asking them to give their arm and leg! So, I will continue to manage FIL's meds and bring them to him twice a day. I will still pay their bills online for them, and balance their checkbook, along with other things around the house - since I am right here.

THen, just as I was to send a message to his two sisters, telling them that I would no longer be doing it, and that they should all get together to figure it out...i found out that the older sister (my "bad guy" partner) had visited MIL and FIL during the day (i was napping at the time). My FIL got very nasty with her, and was calling her names, putting her down etc. She got very upset, and apparently there was a lot of yelling between her and MIL and FIL. She left very upset saying shes never coming back and on her way home got physically ill. When talking with her later - she said she will do nothing to help him, but will help with MIL. She is very hurt, and most of the family no longer speak to her, so she feels very alone. I did try to tell her that she cant pay attention to the things he says - its the sickness, but she was just too upset. As a side note, lately when she brings her grandkids with her to visit, FIL has been very mean to one of her grandsons who is 5 years old. One time hit the boy with his cane, but always calls him stupid and trouble. FIL even told my hubby that this boy is a piece of sh**.

So, I text the other sister (who is FIL's other favorite, but is NEVER around)to let her know whats going on, and of course have not received a reply from her. She has been trying to avoid the whole situation for the past couple of years. She and I used to be very close - vacations together etc. But now we rarely speak. She is "too busy", works two jobs and has three daughters and a grandson.

As difficult as it is for me, I am standing my ground and will not manage their appointments anymore. If they cant pitch in and help with that, then let it be on their heads. I do way more than my share to help! For the past 6 years I have handled it all, and let them live comfy, knowing I was taking care of them. I have my own health issues, and want to get back to MY life - so I am not going to feel bad in handing some of the responsibilities over to them.

So tired, and just want some peace.

Christine

 
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Old 07-20-2012, 07:54 AM   #2
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Re: Things are only getting worse

Have you considered an AL or memory unit? Either that or you will have to hire part-time or full-time caregivers to help both parents. It sounds like the home care is exhausted unless you hire outsiders.
The anger from FIL is certainly some important issue. Well, for adults, we probably should ignore it since he has dementia, but for kids, this should not happen and the kids need to stay away so as not to be abused by FIL. So these siblings all got a point. Probably FIL was never nice? It is the personality as well and dementia makes it worse and unreasonable.

No you don't have to sacrifice yourself too much - you need to have surgery and get healed. So please consider hiring some help.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 07-20-2012 at 07:55 AM.

 
Old 07-20-2012, 08:53 AM   #3
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Re: Things are only getting worse

This situation is getting worse Christine. The rest of the family obviously does not understand the disease. You don't get defensive and argue with an Alzheimer's patient because they will win.... by virtue of the disease creating a situation in their brain where they don't care. When you get that upset and walk away..l. you are not helping the situation. She should be advocating for more help for FIL rather than walking out. And I keep thinking Poor MILl!!

I am not surprised that you didn't get any response from the family. They have not responded before so what makes you think they will respond now? They are just following their pattern... and will continue to do so. You stopping, it will just not get done. Sorry to say it but that's the way it usually is.

I would have a discussion with the family saying... I am not doing this any more and I know you will not do it, and MIL can not handle it... so we are putting FIL in a care facility. If money is that important to them then they may step up because that is a life altering situation. Otherwise go through with your threat. Believe me. It is probably NOT going to change. You and MIL have got to have some relief.

Love, deb

 
Old 07-20-2012, 10:35 AM   #4
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Re: Things are only getting worse

Amazing so many families have the problem and cannot deal with dementia. It does not mean the family members are selfish or anything. Probably they don't know what to do since the parents are in your house now. Also they may have some issues with the parents. FIL may be a hard one to get along with before and now worse. Poor MIL has nowhere to go and she hates to take care of FIL. The only choice is a nursing home. Remember, it is not to judge anyone here. Dementia does make the relationships worse.
Judgment does not help a thing in terms of caregiving.

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 07-20-2012, 10:40 AM   #5
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Re: Things are only getting worse

MIL and FIL have no money, no assets, etc. He would definitely be covered by medicaid if he were to go into a facility. Many of the siblings do not want him to be in a facility, because they feel he will decline quicker and die sooner. In MY opinion, I feel that it would be a hassle for the siblings, because they would feel like they HAD to visit him regularly. When he was in the nursing home for re-hab a few months ago, they all did visit him - most of them every day.

So, my MIL definitely does NOT want to be living with him, but feels guilty to have him placed. She knows that many of her children are very against it, and doesnt want them to be mad at her. I KNOW that he and she would be so much better off if he were to go back. This is SO stressful for her - and she has A-fib, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes and has survived colon and kidney cancer. She is a stroke waiting to happen, and her doctors have told her so. Her kids all know that, and I just dont understand why they arent worried for her well being.

Unfortunately, I can not place him in a facility on my own. He does not want to go, and his wife does not want to send him, knowing she will be disappointing some of her kids. Its a no win situation, and I just really dont know what else to do.

Christine

 
Old 07-20-2012, 10:49 AM   #6
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Re: Things are only getting worse

Quote:
Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
Amazing so many families have the problem and cannot deal with dementia. It does not mean the family members are selfish or anything. Probably they don't know what to do since the parents are in your house now. Also they may have some issues with the parents. FIL may be a hard one to get along with before and now worse. Poor MIL has nowhere to go and she hates to take care of FIL. The only choice is a nursing home. Remember, it is not to judge anyone here. Dementia does make the relationships worse.
Judgment does not help a thing in terms of caregiving.

Hugs,
Nina
Nina, I am finding that dementia really does cause problems within families. Everyone has their own thoughts and ideas. Hubbys family members DO know what needs to be done. Altho his parents live with us - they have their own separate living area, their own kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms. We live in the upper half of the house and they in the lower.
My FIL has always been the nice guy - even tho MIL says otherwise. None of the kids has had issues with either of their parents in the past. This has always been a VERY CLOSE family. Most just dont want to believe and or see what is happening - so they stay away. Thats how they deal with it.

I dont feel like I have judged anyone. I have been the brunt of FIL's anger for years now. He thinks that I take MIL out to meet men, and that I hooked her up with my dad, who I havent even spoken to in years. However, I DO realize it is the disease, and still take care of him to the best of my ability, and show nothing but love and caring towards him.

Christine

 
Old 07-20-2012, 11:11 AM   #7
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Re: Things are only getting worse

Oh no I am not saying you judge any of them. I am just saying we as outsiders should not judge other families.

Indeed it is really bad - dementia does the damage! Like Deb said, you probably just have to tell the siblings to put in some effort. Say if you are in the hospital and Husband is working and no one is home taking care of FIL. MIL is getting to the point of being very very sick. Don't they worry about Mom?
They have to chip in to hire a caregiver if they don't want them to go to a NH.

Nina

 
Old 07-20-2012, 05:41 PM   #8
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Re: Things are only getting worse

I still go back to my original point. The rest of the family doesn't want him in a facility but don't want to do anything to help. MIL doesn't want to take care of FIL but she will endure (as much of our older generation is willing to do) to keep the siblings happy. You and hubby are trying to do the best you can with little or no help. It all revolves around the siblings that are doing nothing. It's easy for the siblings to make these proclamations because it is not affecting their life. They just make demands and let somebody else do the work. How incredibly unfair. But that is also why I say that there will be no changes until it impacts their life. As long as MIL endures and you fuss but keep doing it... they will continue to let the situation be what it is. If they say no or just ignore the situation, you or MIL handle it.

He may or may not go quicker in a facility. Who is to say? As for this disease there is only one outcome. He will get worse and he will succumb to the disease. He may live longer with the available medical care in a facility. Yes, adjustment to a new living arrangement is a huge change for him... but it happens successfully daily. MIL may live a lot longer without the stress of caring for him every day. They are cherry picking what they want to sooth their own emotional turmoil about his disease. As long as FIL is at home they can stick their heads in the sand and think all is ok. Placing him in a facility is accepting the gravity of his condition and the fact that it is not going to be ok or get better.

Say NO and mean it.....

Love, deb

 
Old 07-20-2012, 09:45 PM   #9
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Re: Things are only getting worse

Going to the NH does not mean he will die sooner. Frankly it could be the other way around. Once he gets used to the NH and the peers/activities, he may flourish and get better care. He will still decline but the care at the home can help. My late FIL went to the hospital a lot at home until he went to the NH. He actually lasted 2 more years than we expected earlier. Also for a good NH with medicaid, you need to get a waiting list soon and you could still have to wait. We waited 9 months for the placement.
You need to go ahead do something helpful for the situation and be firm to the siblings.
Since they are not doing anything, they are just talking. Just tell them Mom is getting sick. Yes Mom is nice but she would not last longer if she continues this. Also, FIL may get nicer in the NH. He may be violent at home because he is not happy at home given unhappy wife and sad adults kids and abused grandkid...
Staying at home does not mean longer life but it may mean being closer to the family, that is all.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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