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Old 07-25-2012, 03:19 PM   #1
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Unhappy New to board - would like opinions

My dad has parkinson's as well as dementia. He is 83 and has been in a nh for 1.5 years now. I think most of the time he recognizes us but sometimes I'm not sure..he loses focus and talks about things not there. He is wc bound but we can still get him from wc to car to take him out...for now. My question is concerning taking him out to see his home. He hasn't been back since being admitted...family members don't think it's a good idea. I think he deserves to see his home of 50 yrs before it's too late. His voice has gotten so weak I can't understand him anymore..so cant ask him.
I am afraid he will get upset...but think this is small against giving him this op. He can't remember things from the day before at this point anyway...just in the moment. Like everyone else, never wanted to go into nh and hates it...so I am a bit afraid seeing home may be upsetting.
Any advice or previous experiences with this?
Thanks

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 03:39 PM   #2
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

It's very hard to guess, but my immediate reaction is that if his disease has progressed to the point where he doesn't recognize it then it wouldn't help him. If he does recognize it, then it might remind him of everything that he has lost or make him sad (or angry) that he can't live there anymore. If someone else is living there, it might confuse him. There may have been closure when he left the home. I don't see it as being helpful either way. This is just my opinion though. You might feel better about letting him say a "good-bye" to the home?

This reminded me of an old tradition in the NewEngland town where I grew up. The funeral procession would always drive past the person's house. I never really understood it as a kid, and now that the prior generation is gone I don't have anyone to ask about it. I know that it isn't done in the city where I'm currently living. It may have been an ethnic tradition, or a way of letting the procession remember and celebrate the person's life. In a way, that's what you're proposing -- a chance to remember and celebrate the 50 years of his life in that house.

Last edited by Beginning; 07-25-2012 at 03:40 PM.

 
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Old 07-25-2012, 06:26 PM   #3
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

I am with Beginning on this one. I can not see it doing any good either way. If he remembers it can be painful and if he doesn't remember then it is doing him no good. Ask yourself if you are doing this for him or for you. That is what I had to ask myself.

When we took Mom and Dad out of their house of almost 55 years my sisters thought mom needed to go back to see the house. The first time she seemed to remember and it was painful. The second time she didn't seem to know where she was and was ready to go "home" quickly. The last time I ask her if she wanted to see the house and she had no clue what I was asking so I didn't take her by the house. Each trip back was painful in some way... not only to her but to me as well. I realized it was ME that was missing the house and Mom being there. But I could not turn back the clock even for an hour....

Love, deb

 
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:46 AM   #4
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

First of all I want to say how sorry I am about your Dad it brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. My mother died of Alzheimers in 2006 and it was the worst thing that I have every gone through. I do agree with the others I dont think taking him to see his old home will help him at all. I know from past experience it is best to try to keep things that could agitate or upset them away. Unless he were moving back there I would just close that book for his sake! Just my opinion for what is worth!

Love and Prayers Stanleyatl

 
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Old 07-26-2012, 07:27 AM   #5
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

I am sorry your Dad is very sick now.
I cannot say for your Dad, but from what I learned about my late FIL, I do know in this stage, my late FIL didn't care about his house anymore. He often said he was in a nursing home even in his own house. He will either be indifferent or gets upset that he is not staying in the house (depends on his memory situation.) Either way, there is no point. You think it is a house of 50 years. He has no clues what kind of house that is. Not to mention 50 years...

Hugs,
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:14 AM   #6
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

Thanks everyone.
It's what I needed to hear...I guess/realize it would be for me...I sometimes forget or don't want to realize he can't think like he used to even for a short time. When I do take him out for a drive, he still has had the presence of mind to say thank you when we bring him back....I guess that kinda screws up my thinking somewhat. It's probably an old ingrained manner memory. Will still take him out Saturday...just not go there.

 
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:34 AM   #7
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

You don't say he's asking to see his home, although most ask to GO home (permanently). I wouldn't unless it's to bring him home to stay with in-home care; not if you're returning him to the NH. I would think that would just upset him???

 
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Old 07-26-2012, 06:33 PM   #8
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

Anaya... I found myself doing the same as you. I was the one that was missing the house and my Mom and Dad being there. The last time I took Mom back to her home town we did have lunch with some friends but after that I had a light bulb moment of clarity and realized that going by the house did nothing for her. It only confused her. It is hard to grasp the fact that our loved ones can not think the way we do. It is hard to put ourselves in their frame of mind. We just have to keep working on it. Hope you have a good outing on Saturday

Love, deb

 
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Old 07-27-2012, 09:02 AM   #9
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

Even if he didn't have dementia and did have all his faculties and were in the NH (hating it) for any other reason, why would you bring him out there just to "tease" him with what he wants (to go home)? Guess I'm just not getting what would motivate you to do that. If you were saying you planned to bring him home with in-home help, I'd say great! But if, for whatever reason, he's fated to stay in the NH, it's kinder to leave it be.

 
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:21 AM   #10
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

Quote:
Originally Posted by all4mom View Post
Even if he didn't have dementia and did have all his faculties and were in the NH (hating it) for any other reason, why would you bring him out there just to "tease" him with what he wants (to go home)? Guess I'm just not getting what would motivate you to do that. If you were saying you planned to bring him home with in-home help, I'd say great! But if, for whatever reason, he's fated to stay in the NH, it's kinder to leave it be.
It certainly wouldn't be to "tease" him. He loved this place (acreage/built the house) and I would have hoped it would give him some pleasure. In that sense it would be for me to see him happy...possibly. That was the motivation.
But that is why I posted the question....to get answers from people who knew and had experience with the situation.

 
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:20 AM   #11
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

In general, the person with dementia would often say they want to go home. This home does not necessarily mean the physical home that he just left. My late FIL often said he wanted to go home even in his own house. Usually this also refers to the past home in the childhood. Or it refers to the routine. e.g., my late FIL said he wanted to go home in his own home after an afternoon appt outside. He just needed to "go home" with his routine. So he went to the kitchen for early supper and went back to his TV couch and called it go home. He went home after he came back to the couch!
This go home may not mean the literal home where he/she lives.

Regards,
Nina

 
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Old 07-30-2012, 01:27 PM   #12
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

we never took my mom back to the house. we didnt know what kind of reaction she would have. dont do this to yourself. i am sorry to hear about your dad. less stress the best.

 
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Old 07-31-2012, 03:29 PM   #13
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

Thanks for all your replies. I did take him for a drive...it is getting more difficult to get him in and out of car (can bearly put any weight on his legs or direct them) but we managed with the help of a care aide. He was happy to get out...actually had a smile on his face for a while. We ended up being a little longer than expected due to detour, and I did get a bit of a scolding. It took a few attempts but I finally understood "not so long next time". It's these kind of moments of clarity that freak me out.
He didn't ask to go home.

 
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Old 07-31-2012, 05:03 PM   #14
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

So glad you had a good outing with your Dad Anay. It does get difficult but as long as he is enjoying it.. then you will enjoy it as well. I have given up getting Mom in a car but her facility has a small bus with a wheel chair lift. She still goes on two outings a week with them (and many times I go along for the ride as well). It is nothing more than a ride to the local fast food for ice cream and back but she loves it. Hopefully your Dad can continue to be out and about from time to time.

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-01-2012, 06:57 AM   #15
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Re: New to board - would like opinions

I know what you mean Anayxx about moments of clarity freaking you out. Sometimes it seems every other sentence of my mom's makes total sense and I am constantly trying to figure out if we're talking about the same thing or not. Two days ago we were discussing her move from a 2 bedroom independent apartment to a 1 bedroom AL one; what furniture can be kept and what couldn't, what her preferences and priorities are, etc. She had a House Beautiful magazine and had a bunch of doggie-eared pages, and the first one actually made sense. Blinds that could adjust light up and down, since we know the view in the new place isn't going to be great. Then after we discuss all the furniture that will just barely fit, she turns the page to a bunch of NEW furniture that is totally inappropriate!

I thought we were making progress in a moment of clarity, and then I realized she was totally in another world. Even though I've been dealing with her mid stages for nearly 3 years, I still can't accept whether she is or isn't there. So you are not alone in that. I am reading posts here from others who have been there as I try to learn to accept I will never get her to reason again, and that I have to take even more control than I have (and most people would say I take a LOT of control!).

Hugs,
Annie

 
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