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Old 08-12-2012, 01:51 PM   #1
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Dad has come and gone

Well, I wanted to update everyone on my success with Dad. After I completely fell apart in front of him one night when he began yelling at me that he didn't want to come home with me for a visit or for good he came back a few days later and said he would come home with me on one condition...he had to have a plane ticket before we left. I readily agreed. Turns out I had no need to agree or disagree as the only time he brought it up after that was the night before we left for our road trip home. I simply told him it was late and we would buy it once we reached Florida. Nearly 2 weeks later, the last night of our week long beach vacation, he asked me when he was going home. I simply told him we would have to purchase his ticket when we got back to my house. That lasted about a week and a half until the day he insisted we do it right then. He was ready to go. The hard part was it was Thursday and he wanted to leave on Saturday. So I called his neighbor and asked him if he was available that Saturday. Turns out he was but he said the temperature was 115* that day (actual, not feels like). So, since Dad couldn't hear his side of the conversation I said, "Oh. Well that's okay, David. Maybe your could pick Dad up next Saturday." He readily agreed and I reluctantly purchased the ticket. Dad left yesterday. I feel lost but I'm so glad for the time I got to have him here. It was still work but not as stressful. He ran out of meds and I went to the pharmacy. He got annoyed with something and I explained it. We had a wonderful time. I noticed he was shadowing me and my hope and prayer is that he will miss having someone to follow around. He called me today so frustrated with the huge amount of mail and the bills he just couldn't understand. I told him to mail them to me and I would sort it all out. He laughed and said, "Now aren't you glad you sent me home so you could do a bunch of work?" What to say to that? I just told him that I was happy he was glad to be home and that we all missed him. His return ticket is for October 27. I am going to wait a bit before telling him that or trying to get him to come back. Maybe, just maybe he will want to come back. Maybe he will realize that here he has so many people to talk to and play with and that things just aren't as difficult or confusing. Maybe...
I hope this finds you all doing great. Sorry I have been so absent. I have been enjoying Dad.
Love, Lee
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Old 08-13-2012, 01:45 PM   #2
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Re: Dad has come and gone

I am glad your Dad had a good time with you in your place. It seems you still have not asked him to move really. At least he will come back again this fall. Also he may be worried about his own house and mail. If you move some of his mail to your house (change the address to yours) then it will help a lot. If he feels there are better things to do in your place, he may want to stay. The thing is you didn't seem to tell him your idea. I guess you probably need to tell him that he needs to move and that you will take care of his house and mail. He would not want to move if you don't give any clues.
We had to tell my late FIL to move - he thought he was to be with us so he gladly left.

You probably should include him in this idea so he and you can be on the same page. He would not say one day that he will stay in your house out of the blue. You need to let him know your idea.

Of course you need to tell him he cannot live alone and that kind of thing. Help him out with his house - he may worry about his own stuff. Also some people don't want to move out of their own comfort zone. Sure hope you will try to clue Dad.

It is good that you were able to have a great time with Dad! Good for you! Hope he will decide to come to your place eventually.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 08-13-2012 at 02:09 PM.

 
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:06 PM   #3
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Re: Dad has come and gone

(Sorry I seemed to enter it twice?)

Last edited by ninamarc; 08-13-2012 at 02:08 PM.

 
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:03 PM   #4
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Re: Dad has come and gone

I am so glad you had a good visit with your Dad and hope he manages ok at home. Don't bet on Dad deciding that he wants to move permanently. That is not what they usually do. A blessing or a curse, this disease does not let them see the trouble they are in. They may get frustrated in the moment when they can not do something but it only last until they forget or find a solution. Please keep a close check on him and hopefully you can entice him back soon

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:54 AM   #5
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Re: Dad has come and gone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
A blessing or a curse, this disease does not let them see the trouble they are in. ...
Ain't that the truth! If there is one thing I have learned the past year, it is this. IMHO, it is a blessing for the afflicted, but definitely less so for the carer.

 
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:50 AM   #6
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Re: Dad has come and gone

I guess one way some people do it is to tell the person to move. It also depends on the stage. For later stage, it is possible to just tell the person to move with the right reason. For earlier stage, you would need to discuss with him about the move. Come up with some reason about the house (needs to be sold and etc.) Don't say he is sick. Just say you want him to come to your place and etc. A move is a big thing and cannot be hidden from him.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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Old 08-14-2012, 03:26 PM   #7
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Re: Dad has come and gone

I have talked to him about moving here. He is very resistant. I feel like I'm caught in a vortex. On the one hand I guess I can force it. On the other, more selfish I admit, I want him to reciprocate. Ugh! I love you all for your honesty and willingness to share. The frustration has continued since his return home. I talked to the lady he goes to see at the bank every day and she said Dad thinks our life is "too fast". I'm not sure what to think of that because we really weren't on the go while he was here. He asked me about my daughter (3 year old) today. He wanted to know how her first day of school went. I told him she loved it. Then I told him she was begging me to take her first, to the airport (where she thought Papa was) and then to his home because she "wants to play with Papa". He just laughed and said to tell her he doesn't want to live with her but he had fun. UGH!
On a different note, I witnessed an elderly woman at the Burger King drive-thru today stomp on her gas and hit the car in front of her. I was the car behind her. It scared me bad. Dad has taken to walking everywhere. His choice, not mine. I'm thankful for that to a point. I don't want him driving but I worry about him getting lost or falling, etc. and so on. Everything is coming down to the wire. I know that and I'm trying to accept that.
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Old 08-14-2012, 04:02 PM   #8
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Re: Dad has come and gone

Life is too fast because he can't figure it out. He doesn't want to live there because it is new and different.... and strange. He wants to stay in the familiar. Yet he can not function adequately in the familiar. Glad he is not driving but will he remember to stop and look both ways before crossing the road? Will he jay walk? Will he get lost along the way and not know how to get home? Is he going to wake up one morning , call you, and insist he come to live with you because his cognition is not what it used to be... NOT going to happen. At some point you are just going to have to do what needs to be done. Just a matter of when.

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:22 PM   #9
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Re: Dad has come and gone

I know you are right, Deb. Thank you for always being the one kicking me in the right direction. You and Nina are such wonderful sounding boards. I don't hear what I want to a lot of times...I hear what I need to hear. xoxo
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:35 PM   #10
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Re: Dad has come and gone

Keysey, I think we hear it but just chose not to respond because it is not how we want it to be. Everybody is guilty of this from time to time... so why not with a disease that is as insidious as this one? There is almost a vertical learning curve in the beginning. It turns everything we know and believe upside down. We are supposed to listen and mind our parents... so how do we take them out of their comfort zone when they are telling us they don't want to leave? We have been told they are right... so how do we know they are so wrong? We have been taught to honor and respect... so how do you explain the bizarre behavior, lack of compassion, absence of social skills, and other behaviors that we seen on a daily basis? We don't back talk our parents.... so how do we disagree when they made demands? Even when you are able to step up and do what is needed we are many times left with a ton of guilt because this is NOT what we have been taught all our lives. How do you look at a parent who has always kept us safe, taught us with wisdom, protected us, and taken care of us ..... and understand that they don't know how to take care of themselves. Yep this disease turns all we know and believe, the foundation of our lives, upside down and dares us to keep up as it is ever evolving. It's a lose lose situation unless you get your mind in the right place. You can heap on guilt for not doing the right thing and then heap on guilt for doing the right thing. If you try to grasp it all at one time it will overwhelm you... so take it a day at a time. There is no right or wrong in this disease.... there is only doing your best in the moment with the information that you have at that time. Then we go to the next moment and do it all over again. That is why I say always be ready to change your mind. No decision is forever

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:25 AM   #11
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Re: Dad has come and gone

Keysey,

At some point you have to make Dad come and stay. But you can use all kinds of tricks to make him come. Your reason will not be the same reason he has. Unfortunately this is not on the same page. But make sure he understands it is time to move - no game for moving. You need to handle his house and etc. His new bedroom will be different. Certainly your life is fast for him. But maybe life is too fast for him in general now. So he needs more help. Definitely you can try to make him come and stay or he would never move. Just give him different reasons so he would be happy to come. Say you need his help and etc. Use some other reasons to make him come. He will never admit he needs more help. Sometimes we may feel guilty about our "reason" or tricks, but it is for his own safety so no guilt here. I would not go around telling strangers my tricks since some people may not understand why and may think we were crazy. Yet, the demented person is the one that is confused.
Sometimes they would turn your reasons into their logic. e.g., my late FIL thought he was working at the NH after we said "come with us" by flying which was not to move in to our home. We actually moved him to the NH. We never thought he would say he worked in the NH! It is a good disguise.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 08-15-2012 at 07:32 AM.

 
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