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Old 08-22-2012, 03:57 PM   #1
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Need Suggestions

Hi-
I am a retired nurse taking care for my husband 's aunt in our home since 11/11, she is actually husband's aunt. She is 97 and needs supervision for most things. My husband 62yo HATES being in this situation. He does nothing for her, only criticizes everything she does. Anything that comes out of his mouth, he has bad things to say for, never a small compliment . He tries to tell the doctor what to do and feels There is no other family who and really needs to b in a nsg home. We take her to a gerontologist who knows about the space I am in. He generally will go most to all occasions w/o me. We are in the process of moving to another state so it is not reasonable to place her in a facility. Now I do a few things for myself(shopping) to get away, there are days that are bad for me too, but I am nice to her. Hubby thinks she should follow rules, which in the long run is not possible. Our relationship has been bad for four years, and this situation makes worse.Activities do not work bec she is not able to see well and boy id her memory bad!
I have had it, need advice. Thanks!!

 
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Old 08-22-2012, 06:48 PM   #2
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Re: Need Suggestions

Is your aunt moving with you? Who's idea was it for your aunt to live with you? It is his family not yours. It sounds like he needs a crash course in understanding dementia and the elderly. Or maybe a crash course in human compassion? My best guess is that he is rigid and structured. Elderly dementia does not fit into the rigid structured way of being. But that is no excuse for being mean to his aunt.

I have and would comment on his actions towards his aunt. I would remind him that she can not remember the rules. I would remind him that she is elderly. I would most definitely tell him that his commends were rude, mean, or uncalled for. If you say nothing he is left to think it is ok. It is not going to be easy to change his behavior but if it is a matter of not understanding you do have a chance. When he expresses that he didn't want to be in this situation, assure him that you didn't either but sometimes you have to do what is necessary for others. Being mean and grumpy doesn't make it better. In fact it makes it worse for everybody. After the move you can investigate facilities for his Aunt but until then please don't make life more difficult for you all. Again I will say it is not going to be easy to stand up for you and his Aunt, but in the long run it might be worth it to everybody.

Love, deb

 
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Old 09-01-2012, 06:32 PM   #3
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Re: Need Suggestions

Thx for your advice. I have talked myself blue in the face- DOES NOT WORK. Have been talking to him since her arrival in November. She is going downhill, constant roaming at night despite medication for sleep, which I believe as a health professional she needs. I take her out but she does not of course knows what is going on. As said some days are better than others. Most meds at this stage will not help, its has progressed too fast. Have taken her to adult daycare, that has been useless. I will do what is right, to make her as comfortable as possible, I hope it will not be much longer, there is no dignity in living that way. This is an awful thing to say but that is how I feel.

 
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Old 09-01-2012, 07:32 PM   #4
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Re: Need Suggestions

Some just don't get it Cyrisse. Obviously your hubby is one. You can not expect normal behavior from a person with dementia than you can expect someone to walk with a broken leg. But some expect just that. I bet he is also stiff and intolerant of others as well. Guess we can no more expect him to empathize than we can expect your Aunt to be rational. My hubby doesn't get it but he has learned to stay OUT of it.

Mom was the night wanderer as well. She would walk up to 20 hours a day with a few hours in bed and a few cat naps during the day. She was on other sleep aids that didn't work and left her groggy. I started giving her Melatonin at bedtime. It took a while, but it has done the trick. She started sleeping all night (6-8 hours)... with one trip to the bathroom. She has gotten her dosage at bedtime every night since. The best benefit is that she doesn't wake up with the sleep hang over that many medications can give. I read information that Melatonin (naturally occurring in all of us) decreases as we grow older and is further decreased in dementia patients. So I just upped her levels and walla. It doesn't work for everybody but it might be worth a try.

Mom has not been on any dementia medications for years. She has weight loss, agitation, confusion... wait I thought it was supposed to help that! Honestly she has been much better since she went off the medication. You are right that nothing is going to make it better. The medications that are on the market do nothing more than slow the progress in a few for a short time. In the late stages... do you truly want to slow it down... but the medication has probably surpassed it's effectiveness anyway.

I am sure you will do the best you can for her and I do hope you find some help to give yourself a break. I also understand exactly how you feel in wishing for an end... for her and for you. I don't consider it an awful thing to say. It is as much for her (if not more so) as it is for yourself. It is the truth and a reality we all deal with eventually. We will take care of them every minute they are here and do the best we can to make sure they get the best care possible... but we do not wish for it to last any longer than necessary! Nothing awful there

Hang in there.... and know you can always come here

Love, deb

 
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