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Old 10-18-2012, 07:05 AM   #1
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Question I have missed you all soo.........still taking care of mom..........

Hi Everyone, it has been way to long for me to not be on here, but I have gone back to work full time *YEAH*............but mom is still living at home and my sister lives there as well, but works full time...........and remember I have a handicapped brother? IT is me, Donna

Well let me start off by saying how much I have missed you all and the support I get from this board. I would be a total mess..............

Well mom is doing OK, gets very upset that she can not drive, and still refuses to have someone come in and help out. Even if just a few hours a day or two a week but be a blessing for me and my sister that try to do "EVERYTHING" but with us both working FT, I Know mom gets lonely. She has money and my father had good insurance with his company and wish she would excetp some help. I am pulling my hair out just trying to get her to let me get her some help, but she gets mad at me. I have literally made myself sick and can't do this to myself anymore.

We have talked about AL, but she blows that off. I don't feel good about her being at home alone allot. She loves to walk with my brother for exercise. However she fell, said their was a rock on the sidewalk, is OK but worries me down the road. I just can't get her to work with me..........

Who would I contact as far her or my fathers insurce or a goverment place to see if she has this coverage? Her issue is I don't want to go bankrupt is her saying, and trust me, being POA she is not by far. But will not spend money on the house that needs major work, etc. I will never give up but need some advise from you all that have been thorough or going through this. I just want her to be HAPPY, and I feel so guilty that I work full time and can't be their for her like I used to be..............

I hate this illness and get involved with Alz. Walks etc. But need to get all my ducks in a roll.

Please help with advise. I have missed you all so...........and hope to hear from many of you that has helped me try to understand this terrible illness.......

Love you all.
D

 
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:48 AM   #2
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Re: I have missed you all soo.........still taking care of mom..........

..... "I just want her to be happy".....

that is what we all want but we also have to understand that is NOT under our control. Your mother has dementia, brain damage. Her world is in chaos. That is what this disease does. She can not grasp new ideas or understand that something other than sitting in her chair might be good for her. You can talked to her and she will blow you off because it is impossible for her to process. If she says yes or no it is not because she understands the ramifications of what you are saying. Her current world is sitting alone or with your brother. Anything beyond that is going to be difficult for her. Does that mean she doesn't need somebody with her?

One of the hardest things to do is to go against the wishes of our parents. We are groomed from infancy to mind our parents. When they are happy we are happy. Then along comes dementia. Mom is just not happy because she has a disease that damages her brain. She is unable to rationalize, remember, use good judgement. Yet we still want to mind our parents and make them happy. Maybe if we can convince them to go to AL or have help in the home.... It doesn't happen that way. There comes a point when we have to change directions. We have to take on the responsibility of doing what Mom NEEDS instead of what Mom thinks she wants. Yes, she may be angry in the beginning but in the long run you BOTH will be happier.

If she has long term insurance you will need to contact the company who issued the policy. They will guide you through their process which usually involved a claim completed by you and the doctor and a visit by the corporate nurse to verify her disabilities. If your father was a veteran then you need to contact the Veteran's Administration to determine if he has any benefits available. Your comment about Mom's money indicates she is not eligible for Medicaid. Start in Mom and Dad's important papers to see if you can find any long term insurance policies... or check her bank statements for payments to insurance companies .... and call the VA.

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:50 AM   #3
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Re: I have missed you all soo.........still taking care of mom..........

D,

I don't remember seeing your post but I looked at your past posts from the history...
I am glad you are working full-time now given depression/anxiety and etc. I don't think you need to feel guilty that you work while Mom has dementia. She is 79 years young so it is hard to write her off. It is good she doesn't drive and it is safer for her.
Frankly the long-term care insurance is what she needs at this point. If she is poor enough, she can try to get Medicaid for nursing home (AL or memory unit.) For sure she would not leave her home now since she is still quite alert. Aricept and Namenda won't change her confusion and she will continue to be worse. From what I saw about my late FIL, these drugs can help her to be more perceptive but it doesn't help caregiving. I am not certain these drugs really help that much (at best have 6 more months of delay.)

Mom can go to AL first and eventually she will go to memory unit if she lives a long life. Take it one step at a time. She needs outside help like hired help who can come part-time. Home care is expensive if it is full-time or 24/7. You and your sister will not be able to be there 24/7 unless you work part-time or don't sleep... I don't know her stage at this point and if she has Alzheimer's or vascular dementia... It is a long journey.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 10-18-2012 at 08:51 AM.

 
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Old 10-18-2012, 09:21 AM   #4
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Re: I have missed you all soo.........still taking care of mom..........

Thank you all so much, I just need to know which direction to go to next? If she knew she did not have to pay for the help, worried about her finances, she might be more to let someone come in and help out, she knows she is going to need it............on a good day.........

I am so very thankful to have all you here to help my through this terribly sad illness.

God Bless,
D..........And hugs to all.

 
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