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Old 10-29-2012, 04:18 PM   #1
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Husband's Refuses To Accept Dementia

Felt like sharing the current situation. Aunt with vascular dementia is now 97. Her condition has gotten worse since my last comment. Still very confused still(of course) but does everything you tell her,she is the good attitude dementia.
Auntie is now peeing on the rug EVERY despite diapers all day. She now needs help with just about everything. I am a RN and realize that this behavior comes with the illness.We are in a new home and the carpet in her room is ruined from urine. I have had the carpet man many times but of course this does'nt help.I am the main caregiver and realize that now this is happening its every night. I try to be patient but my energy is running low. Been caring for her for a year. I have been checking for placement for her am having a hard time. She only has an income of 1800.00 per month and about 12000 dollars in savings. I have been encouraging my husband to file ASAP for Medicaid but he is dragging his feet.
He feels that she is acting this way because she is being willful. He just can't accept what is happening. The only speaking he has with her has with since November has been very negative, cursing at her, stating he wishes she would die, talking to her so very badly. He threatens her daily. I keep telling him that she is not acting. She is 97 with dementia and hell what do you expect. Not to mention our relationship has went to hell. Every waking moment is conversation about her, we have nothing else to speak about, always tells me what I should do. I stand my ground though. He has NEVER done anything for her. I can tell you that his reaction is due to fear and losing all of her money. HE brought her here and is power of attorney. I believe the only reason he brought her to live with us is because he lost his job two years ago and has been using her money to get by.
I get out of the every day to soothe my nerves, I do the home care . I just am in the middle and its frustration. Any suggestions about what to do. Sorry this is so long, LOL

Last edited by Cyrisse; 10-30-2012 at 01:28 PM. Reason: personal

 
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Old 10-29-2012, 09:34 PM   #2
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Re: Husband's Refuses To Accept Dementia

Don't you wish you could just smack some sense into some people!! There are some that just can not admit, understand, and deal with the ugly realities. Sometimes it's not all about money.

Part of his resistance is his inability to accept what is happening to his Mom. If she would just act better it would all be ok. The reality is that she has a brain disease and it is not going to be better. It is only going to be worse. His mistreatment of her is only going to make it worse for Mom, you, and for him as well. He can't wish this away. He needs to hike up his big boy pants and accept what is going on. But you already know that.

Something you said is a little concerning. You mentioned that he was using her money to get by. If he does apply for medicaid, and it appears he will have to in order to afford the care she will need, they want to see where every penny of her money has done for the last 5 years. Any monies not used for her or her care will have to be returned. Depending on how much money he has used he may be able to prove that it was used for her care but that is going to take a lawyer and detailed records. She will be required to spend her money down to a thousand dollars and then her income will be used for her care along with the supplement from Medicare. It will take away what he "gets by" on... if he can prove that all he spent was for her care.

Please continue to stand up for yourself and your MIL. Continue to try to educate him about the disease she has. Keep telling him that she has dementia... brain damage. Explain to him that if she had a broken leg that he would not be insisting that she walk. She has a broken mind and is incapable of doing better. If she has other children please let them know what is going on. If the situation become worse, then left the department of aging or social services know of the situation and ask them to investigate. He should not be allowed to verbally abuse her (or you). And if that abuse turns physical in any way... call the police! These are hard choices but what needs to be done for MIL's safety and for yours

Hang in there and keep typing....

Love, deb

 
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Old 10-30-2012, 01:22 PM   #3
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Re: Husband's Refuses To Accept Dementia

Deb-
Thx or you reply. U said so many great things that helped me feel better. I'll keep you up to date.

 
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Old 10-31-2012, 09:01 AM   #4
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Re: Husband's Refuses To Accept Dementia

Sorry that your husband is mean to the Aunt. Maybe he needs to stay away from her. In this case, I think you just have to tell him to stay away from Auntie because he is not nice to her. If necessary, you can hire part-time caregiver to help her. Please don't let husband continue to say bad stuff to her.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 10-31-2012 at 09:02 AM.

 
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