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Old 11-15-2012, 03:13 AM   #1
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Unhappy My Mother asked me...

Good morning all.

As many of you know I have been on and off this site for awhile and could not make it without your support. My mom called me last night, was dx 2with early dementia back in 2008-2009, which I think she had it before then.

WELL, SHE WENT DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE IT, AND IT HAS BEEN TRULY A FIGHTING BATTLE WITH HER, SHE LOST HER LICENSE IN 2010, AND MYSELF AND MY SISTER HAVE HELPED AS MUCH AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO TO THE..........WELL, WE LOVE HER TO PIECES, SHE CAN BE A DOLL.

I WILL JUST GET TO THE QUESTION............HOW DO YOU ANWSER A QUESTION WHEN YOUR MOM STILL HAS ALLOT STILL, BUT SAYS BE HONEST DAUGHTER, DO I HAVE DEMENTIA.............

MY SISTER HAS SUGAR COTATED EVERTYTHING AND LIVES WITH MOM, BUT WHO HAS DONE HER BEST TO GET TRANSPORTATION, GROCERIES, DR'S WHEN I AM NOT THERE. ME, I WAS OUT OF WORK WHEN MOM WAS DX. AND GOT TO SPEND ALLOT OF TIME WITH HER, BUT HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK FULL TIME AND STILL TRYING TO GET HER TO LET SOMEONE COME IN ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK, BUT STILL WON'T DO THAT, THEN I AM THE BAD DAUGHTER FOR I CAN'T BE THERE 100 PERCENT.

PLS. HOW WOULD YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER IN A WAY, OR WOULD YOU. SHE KNOWS IN HER HEART AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN BEING DISHONEST. NOT THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP. BUT NEED YOUR ADVISE ON HOW TO ANWSER HER I A SINCERE WAY, IF THERE IS ONE.

SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, MY KEYBOARD IS NOT WORKING RIGHT, AS YOU CAN TELL..........

PLEASE ADVISE. FROM A DAUGHTER THAT LOVES HER MOTHER SO MUCH IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE, BUT KNOW FROM YOU ALL I CAN NOT LET IT.....she will be 80 in January, and hate seeing this happen to such a beautiful woman, and oh my the roller coaster rides I have been on .............well, you all know.

HUGS,
DONNA

Last edited by himmylover; 11-15-2012 at 03:16 AM. Reason: spelling

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 03:56 AM   #2
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Re: My Mother asked me..........

If she has lucid moments where she totally understands - and it sounds like she does, I would tell her the truth. I'm not a big believer in keeping things from people that impact their health. If they say they don't want to know, just take me to whatever appts/treatments I need, then fine. They have the right to say that. But if they are able to understand and want to know, then I think the obligation is to answer the questions properly.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 06:27 AM   #3
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Thank you so much.

She is aware of her memory, and yes being close to 80 does not help, however I want to be honest with her, and have tried to get all the services I can for her, Meals on Wheels, her precriptions delivered, transportion for the aging, but she refuses, would rather take a cab.............she still has some pride, but knows somehting is wrong...........

I was honest with her but in a sweet way.......as much as possible. Then she got upset with me and said, well I guess you missed your calling in life..............errrrrrrrrrrr, I said OK Mom, I will let you go. My mom even in her younger years loved to argue or bring you down a notch. She knows which buttons to push, but I try to look over all of this and not let it hurt me, for the one bad issue I have is "I am so emotional" and take it all personally, and know I should not.

Thank you for being here for me...........I just want to do the right thing, but have a hard time when my sister will not even accept dementia as moms illness. I was the one whom was with my mom when she got the news, I had to turn my face away from the Neuro, and mom for I started crying, but covered it up good. But IF I could at least get her to let someone come in and help, me and my sister offered to pay for it, for the council on aging said she has too much money so does not qualify for much. What a shame, my dad left her a good amount of money when he passed away for her to take care of herself and my handicapped brother. She will not put him in any home til well, she is leaving that to us. I have a case worker for him and POA of both. I am carring two eggs in one basket and getting ready to crack.

I love them both dearly. Mom even made the comment that she wished her and my brother could live together in maybe an AL for now...........but then again the money is a issue, and mom refuses to spend much................

The poor house I grew up in is getting neglected. And some I blame on my sister for she still lives there and know mom's financial funds. I think she really brain washes my mom too, and keeps things from me, and we are supposed to work together. And god don't get me started on my older brother whom used to be a momma's boy...........never visits. And that breaks my heart...........we all used to be somewhat close, now it is like I don't know who they are and why they act this way.

Sorry, I had to vent.

Love you all, and thank you .................I need you all.

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 07:54 AM   #4
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Donna, what you tell your Mom depends on her ability to comprehend and accept what you are saying. I knew Mom was non receptive to the diagnosis and far enough along in her disease that she was not going to remember. Because of her fear of Alzheimer's I never spoke that word to her. I just let her blame everything and everybody and went along with her assessment. But that was my Mom.... My aunt accepted the diagnosis, was relieved to know what was causing her symptoms, and came up with ways to cope. These are two ends of the spectrum... and your Mom falls somewhere in there.

Know your Mom and her ability to understand and remember what you tell her. Frame it in a way that is as non threatening as possible. indicate that she does have memory issues, see how she reacts, and what of that conversation she remembers. This can be your lead to the next conversation. I actually did this with Mom. Her violent reaction to the idea of memory loss and almost immediately forgetting the conversation but being left with a bad feeling told me I didn't want to go there again. I did try again after several months... when she ask... and it went no better so I gave it up totally.

Follow what you know about your Mom

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:44 AM   #5
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Thank you.

You are correct, She probably does not remember our talk last night, but did ask me, and felt I needed to be honest. I just hate it that she will not cooperate with me/us.

I want what is best for her and her safety, and guess the Life alert is out of the question, for she might forget she has it, or uses it for all the wrong reasons. I just want to keep he home safe and long as I can, and she wants too..........errrrrr.........

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 07:29 AM   #6
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Himmy..... "I just hate it that she will not cooperate with me/us."...... Please know that this is not intentional. She is doing the best she knows how to do. She lacks the ability to understand, remember, use good judgement, cooperate, or think through what is going on. It is all a result of the damage that has been done to her brain. You can not expect someone with dementia to be able to think normally.

....."I just want to keep her home safe and long as I can, and she wants too"..... This is what we all wish for but we also need to know when it is time to keep her safe, even if that means not at home alone. Know that she is NEVER going to want to leave what she knows. Any change is scary, even to us. But change to them is life altering and earth shattering because they are unable to understand the new and different. Yet there comes a time when the status quo is not enough. It is not safe. Then it is necessary to do what needs to be done, not necessarily what we want. We don't want them to have this disease but there is nothing we can do about that. We don't want them to have to leave their status quo at home alone.... but there is nothing we can do about that either. It will happen. It is just a matter of timing.

It was a monumental task to pull Mom and Dad out of their home of over 50 years. Mom swore that she would NEVER leave. She would die first. She fought us, kicking and screaming, all the way. It was at that time when I showed up here. I also had family that was not on board with the move to AL. Mom and Dad had to have more supervision and they could not get the assistance they needed at home. The battle was fought back and forth until Mom gave us no choice. Instead of doing it right... we were in that crisis mode which comes to every situation. Quick decisions, not necessarily the best decisions, had to be made. I learned a hard lessons that I don't want anybody else to have to go through.

So at least research a place for Mom or an agency that can provide the in home support she needs. Remember that she doesn't remember and know that she is unable to do the things she did before. Remember that she doesn't know....

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 09:07 AM   #7
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Hi Himmylover,

Please don't say you are a bad daughter. One sister is there for her and that was enough. You have to work but you care about her.

My late FIL was able to hear the diagnosis Alzheimer's himself and my husband even told him and discussed with him on the phone. As a former doctor in his own home country, he never accepted this diagnosis. He happened to study brain so he said he would know so he denied it totally until his death. Once or twice he probably knew somehow but in the end he only admitted that he had brain problem. But it doesn't matter later on because he forgot so much himself that the diagnosis doesn't matter to him. It is caregiving that was crucial to him.
You say you know what Mom wants and etc. However at some point she may not recognize her home and so to keep her at home may not mean anything to her. A private home causes confusion. My late FIL didn't know it was his own house anymore although he seemed to know it was on and off, not 100% forgotten. But he was confused about the setting and he thought it was a nursing home with caregivers for himself!

The thing is when Mom is confused, she doesn't know what she wants. What she wanted when she was normal may not apply to current state now. Now the issue is to know what caregiving or environment is better for her. If the sister can cope with her at home, it is fine. Just hire a part-time caregiver because she will get worse. One day you may consider a nursing home for Mom. But please note that in later stage, Mom depends on you guys to make the right decision for her well being in her demented state. Sometimes a private home is not safe and she could get lost in the neighborhood. She may be safer in the nursing home later on. Just cope with it one thing at a time.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 10:19 AM   #8
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Thank you all.

I just to realize I can't change things, and pray god gives me the streagnth to make it throug all of this.

I need to put my big girl pants on, for it is part of life in one's way. Just a very weak daughter..........

Thank you all........hugs and love to all of you.

 
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Old 11-16-2012, 06:50 PM   #9
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Himmy.... each of us gets through this because we have to. It is not something we could chose to do if given a choice. It is not heroic or perfect. It is just taking one step at a time because there is no other options. You will find the strength you need. It will build as you go. As you learn about the disease you will find ways to cope. You will understand better what you are dealing with and thus be able to deal with each situation that comes your way. It is a steep learning curve based on on the job training. Not an easy way but the only way. So be kind to yourself.... you are doing good!

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 05:20 AM   #10
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Thank you so much deb.

I needed to hear that. I just have to learn to take it one day at a time.........and ''try'' to breath...........

Love you all. And will need you as time goes on, i hope that is ok, for to me nobody really understands, well except my husband the rest of my family are basically in deneil..........

Not much help, but least i have you all and a good husband to be by my side........well, most the time. It has been one year today he lost his father to lung cancer...........

He is much stronger then i when it comes to our parents.

Love you all.......and thankful i have you all.

Donna

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 07:31 AM   #11
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Re: My Mother asked me...

You are doing good! Just think how far ahead of the rest of the family you are. Sometimes we are so very hard on ourselves. When we stop and look around we figure out we are doing much better than we think. I do understand the need for sharing, learning, validation, and support (we all need that)... so please hang with us.

Love, deb

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:34 AM   #12
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Donna, we will be there for you. Also it might be easier for SIL or DIL to cope with it because the in-laws are in supporting roles. Your husband is a nice guy too. I hope he will continue to support you!

Hugs,
Nina

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:43 AM   #13
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Re: My Mother asked me...

Thank you all.

I promise I will stay here forever............you all are considered my family.....and well I am greatful.

Love and hugs to all of you whom have been trough this and going through it.

We need each other....

 
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