Thank you and same to you! I too am thankful for my journey with my Mom. We did not get along at all when I was a teenager (go figure). Thankfully she is very easy to get along with now. It so could have gone the other way and who knows, may eventually! I'm also thankful for this board to get information off of!
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I myself did not have the best relationship with my mom, and that really hurts me, but she had allot oh her mind seemed like all the time, i guess i was the one to take it out on, they say you usually take it out on the one's you love the most.........errrrrrrrr.
But like you could not make it without this sight and so many wonderful people here to tell me, u can do this, and they are honest.
That is what i love and am thnakful for.
Last edited by himmylover; 11-23-2012 at 05:17 AM.
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you and all the others here on the forum. Like you I am not sure what I wold have done without this forum for the last 5 years or so I have been here. You have all helped me through some difficult times
I think most teenagers have strained relationships with their Mom's. But we grow up and they mature and we find our place with each other. I do think, in many ways, this disease brings the caregiver closer to the one they are caring for. If life had remained "normal" I am sure I would not have this close a relationship with my Mom at this time. I am thankful for what I have been able to do for Mom and the relationship we have now. She can no longer communicate or ambulate, but she can sure make me smile
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himmylover (11-23-2012),Super Page (11-23-2012)
So, I thought I had my problem of my Mom not showering solved! Not so!!! I hired a nurse that comes to her apartment complex to help Mom with a shower. Mom refused to let her assist her today! I'm going to try to talk to her and see if I can convince her that she needs assistance! I seriously doubt it works. She says she will shower but then she forgets to. I'm at my wits end on this one! She lives several miles from me in a senior apartment complex. If she refuses and won't do it herself, I see Assisted Living coming in to play. I may have to get ugly with her and flat out tell her, you either have Sandy help or we have to put you in Assisted Living! I hate to even think about that though!
Super Page, why would you even consider reasoning or threatening someone who has cognitive impairment? What good is it going to do? You can scream at her, threaten her, coax her, or beg her... but if the brain is not functioning correctly then what is the point. She will not comprehend, understand, or remember what she is supposed to do. Remember that she has brain damage from the dementia. It is the disease that is the problem.
On the other side, if she is refusing to shower at all, she is probably having difficulties with other activities of daily living. Assisted Living is not a threat but a reality that you do need to explore. You do need to think that thought. If Mom can not maintain where she is independently, she needs the assistance. I found (even with myself) that we don't want to take that step even though Mom is ready. It is giving away a bit of our parents that we don't want to go. SO please rethink the AL... or at least getting her 24/7 help.
I think I take exception to your first paragraph, Deb. I said I would try to talk her into it. Yes, I realize she has dementia. This is all new to me and part of me is still hoping that she will realize things. I know she won't.
Trust me...she will have the help that she needs. I'll update when I have more.
This is one of the more difficult things I've ever done. Yes, I know she needs help in "some" areas. Very hard seeing your parent get worse.
Last edited by Super Page; 02-21-2013 at 06:26 PM.
I realize you said you would try to talk her into it. I was not trying to be rude or harsh. Just bring my experience with the disease into it. Sorry I have been where you are. I have tried to bargain, threaten, convince, and reason. In the end it was obvious that I was beating my head against this brain disease that prevented her from understanding, comprehending, understanding, remembering, or even caring what I was saying.
I like you wanted her to be who she was before. The intelligent, logical, rational adult that I had always leaned on. I didn't want to admit that my Mom could no longer even understand what I was asking her to do. If she did grasp the concept it quickly faded into non-memory. Yes, it is probably the most difficult thing I have ever come to terms with. It is heart breaking to see your parent get worse (and I had two at a time)!
But when I finally got it, that they both had brain damage which prevented them from being the thoughtful rational adults they were... it did a lot to help us both. Expecting Mom and Dad to do or be more than they were only frustrated them... and me
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Super Page (02-22-2013)
It is tough superpage I get it because I have been there (times two). We don't even want to think what is next for our loved ones. It does take a while to process and accept. It is very much like going through a grief process... losing the Mom we knew before. We go through the denial when the world seems overwhelming and makes no sense while we are powerless in shock. We get angry which comes from the pain we feel because we have to deal with this disease. We also bargain, with our higher power, ourselves, our loved ones, anybody that might make this go away. We even fall into depression as we try to deal with something we hate but can not control. But as with all grief we have to finally work our way through all these feelings to a sense of acceptance. We can't control this disease, fix it, or make it go away. When we get to acceptance we can come up with a plan of action. This does give us control. That reduces the fear, anger, depression, etc. That is why I say look into your options and move forward with the AL (or total care) options. It is the moving forward with a sense of control that does give us peace. Being stuck in the grief process is the worst part.
Support is so very important. I am so glad you are here You might want to find yourself a local support group as well. The Alzheimer's Association has a list of support groups you can join. If the first doesn't fit, try another one... but please seek out support. You are not alone in this journey.
Superpage, I understand it is hard to make her take a shower. Being with a familiar person is important to her. Maybe the new nurse is a stranger to her. You can try it yourself first: go to the bathroom with her and show her how to wash her hands. Show her how to take a shower. She forgets the steps so she doesn't want to. Also, she needs routine. If you establish a routine so she takes a shower every time right after she gets up and before she gets dressed, she may be able to accept it. You need to adjust the water for her and maybe start with the towels to wash her body and give her some water gently. Maybe a bench chair can help in the bathtub so she can sit down to get help from you.
An AL may help but they all have new people. Maybe you can try this first at home. My late FIL had the same issue and the home care nurse could not convince him. We set up a routine so the guy or gal washed him every morning. He still didn't like it and that is why he only had a shower once a week in the memory unit later on.
In the end, they gave him anti-psychotic drugs for smooth toileting and bathroom routines in severe stage.
You can give her sponge bath on her bed if she is very dirty. She may accept your help since she knows you very well.