Thank you, Deb. You are so nice to sit and write this all out for my benefit! I am going to have to re-read and take notes. Today I have to be taking care of Don and finding things to entertain him, so I won't have time to work with all this info you've given me. I will go back through it all next week and take it very seriously.
I appreciate very much your honest concern. I will take time later to soak all this in!!
And, BTW, my husband is the one who holds on to things and wont' let them go! We're already dealing this morning with just one little deal and he's making it so complicated! Yes, I agree it is a frustrating thing to deal with.
Laura, it is a work in progress and on the job training. You will find ways to compensate for his inabilities and to use his abilities. I might suggest that you keep a log or journal. Something as simple as a calendar that you can note important moments. It will give you a time line of events that will become scrambled as time goes on. He is grumpy today and constantly talking about a doctor's appointment. Was he grumpy last month the day before a doctor's appointment he knew about? It can trigger recognition of patterns that can be very helpful Mom hated rainy days, Monday's, and any day that had something out of the ordinary scheduled. Dad would be grumpy on Thursday. It was his Lions Club meeting day. Even though he didn't remember the meeting any more he knew there was something important about Thursday. It does help to know what to be ready for!!
I truly don't mind sharing what I have learned over the years. If I can make it a little easier for somebody else then it makes all I have been through worthwhile.
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel: TurksMom (11-24-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post: TurksMom (11-24-2012)
Thank you, Deb. It does help so much to hear your experiences. It helps me to feel not so alone in this battle. Thank you for these little tips. You have already helped me with the tips you gave me on another thread earlier. I am seeing that certain things do trigger reactions. Just gotta learn what they are as I go. We're having a quiet night tonite, and he's enjoying nobody but us being home. That is always a good thing.
Can't write much, but always want to acknowledge your time and concern. Will be able to write more during the week. Thank you so much for thinking of things that will help me survive.
Laura, I so agree with deb about the POA, I had my mom and dad do it at the same time, I told my mom that in case something happened to dad that I wanted to be able to help her and that to make dad feel better she could make one at the same time, I soon realized that it was how I presented something rather than the item I was presented. You know hubby the best, play on his feelings, get you kids involved if you can, this really is a very important thing and shouldn't been in the to do later pile, although there really are a lot of things that can be filed in that pile. 7months after my mom passed I am still going through some of those " to do later" things.
Guilt has no place iwhen dealing with someone with Alzheimer ..
We put one of those great big calanders on the fridge and wrote birthdays, holidays, phone numbers and anything that was of important on there, my mom got use to looking at it and right to the end I could ask her if anything was happening on that day. One learns to read moods and react to them,, if I showed fuse ration or if I was sad my mom would pick up on this and almost mimic my mood, I soon learned to try and be a calming influence, I used humor lot i would laugh and giggled at things instead of crying and screaming..
One great thing about our little corner of the Internet is the door is always open, you will never have to go this alone.....
__________________ Forever in my heart
The following user gives a hug of support to jagsmu: TurksMom (11-24-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to jagsmu For This Useful Post: TurksMom (11-24-2012)
Thanks so much, Judy. You are helpful in giving me good down to earth advice. I am a little overwhelmed, with so many things now added to my "to do" list, which has already grown longer since I do everything myself now. Some days it seems impossible, but then I realize I can only do so much in one day, and I relax and do what I can do that day. Then I go to bed and wait for another day.
I am beginning to understand the guilt issue, but it it is still easy to fall back into when you get a tongue lashing! I have had to learn to overlook and go on, and the day goes better. Yes, I have already observed my emotions being mirrored and noticed so easily. Even facial expressions, and tone of voice. It was something one of you told me earlier, and then I finally saw it! It did help me so much to know that. I have had to tone down my reactions to things, since i am a more verbal, silly, loud, happy person. That doesn't always go well, if Don doesn't know what the loud was about. So I'm learning to be low key instead.
Thank you for your concern and good advice. I'll keep all this in mind. Oh, and we tried to do the "calendar" thing, but it was not easy enough for him to use. I will have to find a large, more colorful thing to use. It will have to become a fixture and we'll have to remind him until it becomes habit. Thank you for that suggestion.
Hey, Deb. I took another minute to re-read and make notes on your great suggestions and explanations. Thank you so much for listing all this out for me. I am, as I said, overwhelmed, and feel inadequate. But I will make my lists and just plunge ahead. I come from a line of strong pioneers, so I will draw on that part of my heritage!
I am so sorry to hear of how you dealt with both your mom and dad at the same time, not even being able to tell your mom about your dad's passing. What a difficult time in your life that was. You have been gracious to use the things you learned to help others, though. It looks like you have helped many with your numerous posts since 2007. I am certainly one of the grateful ones who has already benefited from your experience.
I will pursue the information you have given me, and continue to learn how to deal with my husband in the least intrusive way. I like the "don't poke the bear" saying. That's what we way around our house now!
Thank you, Judy, too for your helpful explanation of what you have been through yourself. It has helped me go through difficult days, knowing that this is just a part of something that is bigger than myself, and others have been through much worse. And they are the ones helping me! What a blessing to have your words of encouragement and wisdom to keep my thinking in the right direction. I was glad to hear that you did sometimes want to scream! That is what I feel on some days. Fortunately, my daughter will listen if we go somewhere together, and let me vent my feelings. Then I can go back and start again!
Laura, any outlet to frustration is a plus. Bless your daughter for being there for you And now you have all of us here. Yes we have all been right where you are. This is so overwhelming when you are first confronted with what to do and how to do it. Keep reaching out for information, gather all you can, use what you need, and fit it to your situation. Each situation is different but something you gather will help you go forward. And know you can always vent here... we do get it! I am not sure it gets any easier... we just get better at dealing with what we have to do
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel: TurksMom (11-27-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post: TurksMom (11-27-2012)
Thank you. I do see that I can't hope for this to go away, but I can learn how to cope. It is so nice to know that you don't mind if I just tell you what a bad day I had. Thanks for being there and for caring for a stranger!
Ok, Deb. I started on a little thing. I got myself a little book to write notes in about the good/bad days. And we picked out a dry-erase calendar that we can color the dates onto, and make very bright and cheerful. That seems like a great idea. We're just thinking we'll accidentally leave off the doctor visits! But all other important things to remember will be on there, and perhaps it will help with remembering what day it is, too.
Laura, I don't consider anybody a stranger. They are fellow travelers on this journey that none of us want to be on. We help each other, especially on the bad days. We all have bad days and a place to let go of the angst is exactly what is needed.
My journal is my forever companion. Actually I do mine on a calendar. I have a dozen in my drawer over there. Nobody else could probably read it because so much is abbreviations and cryptic notes but I know what it says. BD in the top right corner is Bad Day!
It will not take long to figure out what to put on the calendar. Those things he obsesses about should be left off.... such as the doctor visits. You do need to indicate what day today is. Making off the past days might help with that. If that doesn't work there are many more ideas to try. We finally went to a tear off calendar with Mom and Dad. The care giver would tear off the previous day each morning. Important dates for that day were on the calendar. That way no pre thinking before it was time but reminders on the right day!.