It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
Post New Thread   Reply Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-22-2012, 09:27 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 5
helpless dghter HB User
Torn between Mom and Dad..

Hi all,

I am very new with this and I am looking forward to hearing from each one of you.
I am here to discuss about my dad who was diagnose with Dimentia 5 years back. We are 3 sibling but all everywhere and this has made me as the eldest daughter torn and broken to hear daily from my mom about dad's condition and progress..
I feel very sorry for mom because beside being dad's carer, she is also the bread earner in her home.Her lack of energy, her shattered heart, her tiredness has made her drown deep in frustration,sadness and helpless most of all confused.
Dad was on Aricept and we took it off from him because aricept made him into a zombie.. he was hallucinating bad, he had bad tantrums, shouts alot and ran many times. now almost 3 weeks off aricept, though he is much better person but anger and accusing still lingers and mom noticed that he\is memory has fade drastically and he gets tired most of the day.
Today he didnt knw which one is socks and which one is handkerchief.. he covered his feet with a hanky and put socks in his pocket.
But what worries mom and frustrate her is he refused to be helped, corrected, guided and assited.. he get very angry and refuse to listen. He accuse her for many things too sometimes swearing on her.
What is strange is when she is not next to him / away he calls her and says he miss her , to come home quick and very soft voice very loving.. but when mom is at home with him, he looks at her with disgust and anger.
when he gets angry he refuse to eat and he just sleeps.
He still insisted to drive that scares mom.. she cant stop him because again he starts to get angry and she is scared he turn violent. He is very quiet daily but he has negative suspicion on people.. he keeps saying they will steal, they took my money etc..
Do any of you experience the same? How do i help my mom with this,.. I am with my husband and kids oceans away from her and its breaking my heart :"(

 
Reply With Quote
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-23-2012, 08:45 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Helpless,

Apparently your Dad's dementia is getting serious. Moderate stage and etc. I am not sure why your title is torn between Mom and Dad. At this point, your Mom needs your support and Dad is incompetent and sick. It is normal that he has emotional outbursts and would put it on Mom. It is also normal for him to call upon her nicely if she is not there. He needs her and doesn't know how to deal with dementia. This is not like domestic abuse; it is his dementia that make things worse. Mom cannot help him alone.
I suggest that you find someone to help her out.
There are several ways to cope with his dementia. First of all, never argue with him or force him to do anything. But this doesn't mean you go along with him. He should not drive and you guys should try to take away the car pretending that the car is broke or something.
Sometimes white lies help. The demented person is not in your reality so he would never be able to reason with you. So you and Mom just have to handle him like he is incompetent and remove all the harmful stuff from him. If aricept is not good, try other med. such as namenda or exelon... These drugs don't help caregiving though. He will still be confused and will get worse. Your Mom needs to prepare for the worst. If she has money, she can hire part-time caregiver to watch him. If she cannot deal with it, consider an AL (assisted living) or a locked memory unit for Dad. He needs professional caregiving. It is 24/7 job so Mom will not be able to deal with it.
Your title said "torn between Mom and Dad". I think it is not about the couple. It is about Dad's disease. You need to side with Mom and get all the help he needs.
This is quite common. Often some elderly spouses leave the demented spouse and go to the adult kids for help. Sometimes the adult kids have to take over to take care of the demented parent.
One thing for sure: Mom needs help and rest. She needs to get a break from him. If Mom has to stay away from him for safety, support her and get medical help or caregivers for Dad.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 11-23-2012 at 08:58 AM.

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to ninamarc:
helpless dghter (11-23-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to ninamarc For This Useful Post:
helpless dghter (11-23-2012)
Old 11-23-2012, 01:37 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 5
helpless dghter HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Hi Nina,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am torn between mom and dad because , I understand and I know how hard it is for mom to go through this alone. let me tell you a little about my family.. My mom lives alone with dad, one sibling married stays different state with very controlling husband hence she cant help mom, one other sibling is single but his job makes him travel a lot but as much as he is in town he is with mom.. whereas Me, I am oceans away. Mom relate to me more as I am eldest and I help console her emotionally and lift her spirit up. I am always there every second she needs to talk and bounch ideas, doubts etc.
I have also spoken to mom exactly what you have told me but beacuse i am her daughter, she somehow sees it more like advice coming from me not what the actual fact is. I believe that it is still hard for her to accept it that dad has dimentia. She still sees that he has attitute problem though she is very well aware dimentia is behaving not dad.. I explain her daily and evey complain or new things dad come up with i tell her mom, its not dad its dimentia..she keeps crying and it breaks my heart.. and my am torn between dad and mum is, now she gets frustrated with dad, she corrects him and that makes him angry , sometimes that makes him cry and I feel it deeply that although his memory may fade, but he still has a heart that can feel.. If i explain that to mom to ignore and just let be for instance he leaves his towels everywhere, he ears his socks upside down, he showers 2 -3 times, he needs to go to loo many times, he blames her when he cant find his cup or glasses.. she gets frustrated, emotional and she reacts and this make things worse.. I keep tellin mom i understand if u have outburst but this not the end ..worse will be coming and this is not dad this is dimentia.. its just like u cant force a paralized person to walk again although he is still fit. worse more, in the country where they reside, we do not have any Alzheimer Dimentia institute or care
mom has tried to employ helper but dad makes it harder and no one stays,. he feel the helper is a theif or outsider, stranger etc
easy to solve this but yet not easy.. I am so happy you wrote exactly what i have been telling mom so i am going to email her this thread so she can she for the fact that she has to accept it that its dimentia not dad and she needs to change the way she look at things...
Big Big thank you for you reply..

hugs,
helpless

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2012, 01:38 PM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 5
helpless dghter HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Hi Nina,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am torn between mom and dad because , I understand and I know how hard it is for mom to go through this alone. let me tell you a little about my family.. My mom lives alone with dad, one sibling married stays different state with very controlling husband hence she cant help mom, one other sibling is single but his job makes him travel a lot but as much as he is in town he is with mom.. whereas Me, I am oceans away. Mom relate to me more as I am eldest and I help console her emotionally and lift her spirit up. I am always there every second she needs to talk and bounch ideas, doubts etc.
I have also spoken to mom exactly what you have told me but beacuse i am her daughter, she somehow sees it more like advice coming from me not what the actual fact is. I believe that it is still hard for her to accept it that dad has dimentia. She still sees that he has attitute problem though she is very well aware dimentia is behaving not dad.. I explain her daily and evey complain or new things dad come up with i tell her mom, its not dad its dimentia..she keeps crying and it breaks my heart.. and my am torn between dad and mum is, now she gets frustrated with dad, she corrects him and that makes him angry , sometimes that makes him cry and I feel it deeply that although his memory may fade, but he still has a heart that can feel.. If i explain that to mom to ignore and just let be for instance he leaves his towels everywhere, he ears his socks upside down, he showers 2 -3 times, he needs to go to loo many times, he blames her when he cant find his cup or glasses.. she gets frustrated, emotional and she reacts and this make things worse.. I keep tellin mom i understand if u have outburst but this not the end ..worse will be coming and this is not dad this is dimentia.. its just like u cant force a paralized person to walk again although he is still fit. worse more, in the country where they reside, we do not have any Alzheimer Dimentia institute or care
mom has tried to employ helper but dad makes it harder and no one stays,. he feel the helper is a theif or outsider, stranger etc
easy to solve this but yet not easy.. I am so happy you wrote exactly what i have been telling mom so i am going to email her this thread so she can she for the fact that she has to accept it that its dimentia not dad and she needs to change the way she look at things...
Big Big thank you for you reply..

hugs,
helpless

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2012, 05:35 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,134
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Helpless, everything you described is typical dementia behavior. It is all a result of the confusion that resides in their brain. No, they can not help it. It is what it is and we can not change it. They believe what they believe as much as we believe what we believe. Mom correcting him or degrading him by bringing attention to his short comings will only make the situation worse because he believes he is right. So you are saying the right things to Mom.

But caring for an out of control dementia patient 24/7 is too much for most people. They are going to wear down and have outburst. They are going to lose their patience. It is easy to see dementia as bad behavior that can be controlled, even when you know it is not. I see it almost daily. What Mom needs most is HELP! She needs time for herself without Dad hanging on her.

You said that Mom was the major bread winner. Can I assume that Dad spends time alone in the house? I wonder how that is going? From the sound of it, he is probably not safe at home alone. Yes he is probably uncomfortable home alone and wishes that your Mom was there with him. Yet when she is there he is angry, confused, and strikes out. That is so very typical. Those with dementia can be very suspicious, paranoid, and accusatory. A new caregiver can be the target of these behaviors. They are unknown to your Dad so they are suspect. Yet Mom needs to be away from Dad.

If your siblings can not help, then Mom need to find someone that can be a companion as well as a care giver. Finding somebody Dad connects to is important. A care giver the sits around and tells him what to do is not going to work. She truly needs someone with dementia experience that can keep Dad busy and occupied while knowing how to deal with his behaviors.

If nothing else works to control his anger and hostility, there are medications available that will help. Mom just needs to explain the situation to the doctor, ask for medication to calm him, and then find the right medication for him. This may help Mom, and it may help him be able to stay with a companion/caregiver.

As for the driving... nobody wants to give up the independence that driving represents. Taking away the driving privileges is probably the hardest thing we have to do but also probably the most important. Dad can not drive responsibly. He may be able to turn on the car and put it in gear but his cognitive decline makes it impossible for him to know what to do when something out of the ordinary happens. Beyond that, giving a loved one with dementia a vehicle to drive is creating a 2 ton killing machine. I have horror stories involving those with dementia driving. Yes, Dad is going to get angry about not driving but how would Mom feel if he killed someone else or himself? It is a very likely possibility.

Telling Dad not to drive is NOT going to work. If he remembers he will not understand. Instead just make the car keys disappear. If there are no keys he can not drive. If they have only one car then Mom needs to take it to work. If they have to go somewhere then she needs to drive. Just try to impress on Mom that she is not doing Dad any favors by letting him continue to drive.

It is not a matter of being torn between Mom and Dad. Dad is doing the best he can and so is Mom. It is a very difficult situation. Dad has a disease that damages his brain and causes him to behave the way he is. Mom is exhausted, has lost her life companion, and is shouldering all the responsibility while dealing with an out of control adult. She is not super human. The first thing I would suggest to Mom... along with what you have already told her.... is to get Dad to the doctor and find a medication to calm his anger and hostility. When that is under control much will be better

Love, deb

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
helpless dghter (11-24-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
helpless dghter (11-24-2012)
Old 11-23-2012, 09:27 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

I sort of see your point of being torn. Back in early 2000s before the diagnosis, when we visited my FIL and MIL, my late FIL complained that his wife always scolded him off for forgetting the keys and this and that and she said it was all his fault. He complained to us in the garage sounding like he was prosecuted! I took pity on him thinking my late MIL was harsh. Now as I realized that he had Alzheimer's, I can imagine what it was like when my late MIL was dealing with my late FIL not knowing what is going on. She was a blunt person so she was in stress. Also she did all the housework and etc. He just sat there thinking about his work during his retirement - writing his report or review...
Thinking back, I see that my late FIL had Alzheimer's but my late MIL didn't know how to handle it. The funny part is she did say all the time that he had dementia but she always complained about it not helping him medically. It was not her fault.

I understand you feel sorry for Dad when Mom blamed him and etc. Do try to educate Mom saying that blaming won't help (it backs fire actually.) At the same time, find the right solution for Mom. Find part-time caregiver and etc. She is stressed. Even if she blamed him, it is human. How much patience can one have? Esp. the loved ones. Note that the wife understands the husband but she probably has no clues how to cope with it. Also when Dad refused her help or cannot go along with her in daily life, it is very difficult for Mom. So please don't feel torn between them. Find a way to help Mom and Dad.

Hugs,
Nina

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2012, 01:37 PM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 5
helpless dghter HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Dear Deb,

I don't have any words to express my thankfulness for your reply.
am just sitting behind my computer eyes filled with tears speechless and wish i could grab the next flight home to sort it out for mom..
But as it is not possible, I thought of emailing nearest family members and my sibling so everyone should be aware that Mom needs help.
I will continue to support her emotionally from here and always have my ears for her.
Its very sad disease.. It just struck me that I have lost my dad before i even know..
He was such an amazing man.A hard worker who gave his family everything he could.. He built an empire for us.. He loved mom from the day he met her 42 years ago and pampers her like a queen. He has a very jolly friendly warm character. Always known as a person who always smile and help.He has never ever fallen ill as he is very health consious . Have never ever even swallowed a panadol his life.Big hearted loving Hero.. I miss Him :"(
Mom who was always treated as a queen by him, pampered and always lean on him and dependant on him is all shattered today all the more facing this is like a huge slap of nightmare for her.. breaks my heart.
I hate dimentia.. very cruel

love,
jess

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2012, 01:41 PM   #8
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Sydney,Australia
Posts: 5
helpless dghter HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Dear Nina,

Its heartbreaking ... Dimentia is cruel and it turn angel into demon :'(

I pray each day mom get the strength to face this nightmare..
Thank you so much for all your uplifting and for replying.

I will explain mum and make her strong and will ASAP find a way to get dad re visit the doctor and find a better solution to this.
Please dont get bored if i keep coming back for more help and advice.

God bless always,

Love ,
jess

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2012, 05:27 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,134
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Jess, remember that dad!! Sounds a lot like mine. A solid rock that was crumbled by dementia. My Dad had Vascular Dementia, diagnosed in 1998, and died March 2010. Those dementia years have faded into the background and what I remember is the strong vibrant hero.

I do feel for your Mom because I watched my Mom in the same struggle. I know how difficult it was for my Mom... and how difficult it must be for you Mom. Even if she is not doing everything perfectly, she is doing the best she can. My situation was complicated by Mom's Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in 2006... and is now in the final stages. But I remember well those years of her struggling to care for Dad.

If nothing else you can be a sounding board for your Mom. You can listen to her concerns and validate her. You can encourage, inform, and educate her. You can listen to her complain and cry and laugh. You can be her rock even long distance. If she has computer access try setting up a live video chat with her. You can see your Dad and talk to him as well. It will make you feel a bit closer. Talk to family and friends that are close by and ask them to help her. I am not sure what country she is in but perhaps you can inquire as to assistance that might be available. There is a lot you can do to be supportive.... and I know you will

Love, deb

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-2012, 07:33 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,125
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Sorry to hear of your father being this way. Mom went through and still is going through this, but she is the one with dementia. I really don't think your father can help being angry. He is angry because he knows that something in him isn't right, he must be scared and unfortunately he is taking it out on your mother. A sign of dementia can be in appropriate behavior. As for being ocean's apart, there are 4 of us daughters, my mom chose to live in a Nursing Home in the same province with my sister which is the furthest away from all of the rest of us in a different province, so I understand what it feels like.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-2012, 08:19 AM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
ninamarc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Canada/USA
Posts: 1,703
ninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB Userninamarc HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

I also want to add that my late MIL died before my late FIL was diagnosed. He outlived her for 8 more years. Sometimes I feel that it was good that my late MIL never had to go through the real bad episodes for years due to my late FIL's Alzheimer's in moderate/severe stages. That is why she never seeked medical help for my late FIL's dementia and she got cancer herself. I think my late FIL got worse after she died.

It is hard for a couple to deal with dementia. It is difficult. It is like you have to deal with someone who is mentally ill...

Hugs,
Nina

 
Reply With Quote
Old 11-25-2012, 08:48 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,134
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Then there are the stories like the one I heard last night. A very good friend of mine (her Mom died of mixed dementia 18 months ago) was worried about her Aunt who was showing signs of dementia. It took a while to convince all parties to take the Aunt in for testing. How we fear this disease!!! Yet knowing what is truly wrong is worth everything. The Aunt's daughter took her to a good neurologist for dementia testing. He did what he should do and gave her a complete physical with blood work, a CT/MRI, and reviewed all of her medication first. Her B12 levels were extremely low. She had been taking monthly B12 shots but her blood work indicated that her levels were still critically low. So he put her on daily folic acid and weekly B12 shots. In two weeks her dementia symptoms have completely disappeared!! She does not have dementia... only a critical B12 deficiency. Now what would have happened without the proper diagnosis and medical treatment? Her symptoms would have continued and she would have been labeled demented when it was truly something that could be fixed.

Congitive decline is a symptom. It can be caused by a medical condition, drug interactions, NPH, a brain tumor, and many other causes. Alzheimer's and the related dementias are only one of the many causes of cognitive decline.

That is why I keep saying....... Get to a good doctor who is familiar with geriatrics and dementia and get a proper evaluation You never know when your loved one is the one that will be cured of some medical condition that is the underlying cause of the cognitive decline you are seeing. It is NOT always dementia!

Love, deb

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to Gabriel:
helpless dghter (11-28-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to Gabriel For This Useful Post:
helpless dghter (11-28-2012)
Old 11-25-2012, 09:01 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,125
dorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB Userdorri HB User
Re: Torn between Mom and Dad..

Yes, B-12 deficiencies can present themselves similar to dementia. That is one of the first things the doctor tested my mother for.

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to dorri:
helpless dghter (11-28-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to dorri For This Useful Post:
helpless dghter (11-28-2012)
Reply Reply




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Aricept
Aspirin
Ativan
Morphine
Namenda
  Reminyl
Risperdal Seroquel
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Gabriel (756), ninamarc (157), Martha H (124), meg1230 (93), angel_bear (68), jagsmu (55), Beginning (51), TC08 (44), ibake&pray (43), debbie g (37)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (896), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:12 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!