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mitsy · 01-10-2013, 05:59 AM

MIL has gotten beligerent again since they lowered her meds. First it was too much and now not enough. Does hospice deal with tweaking these meds and prescribing? Last time they called the dr. that prescribed them and he changed the levels over the phone.

With regards to the urine issue, hospice has decided that she needs a catheter. I'm sure that will bring a host of other problems. What happens if she pulls it out?

Lastly, hospice wanted to know if she had burial plans, etc. Only one family member knew and she only has a plot but not the burial plans or casket. I've asked my husband to get this going now with his family especially since She's got plenty of money now to get this done and this may not be the case with the expense of maintaining a home and 24 hour caregiving. Ignoring it won't make it go away and they can't procrastinate on everything even though that's all they've done from getting her correct doctors, taking away the car, etc..... One brother didn't want to bring it up because he said the other siblings would accuse him of wanting her dead. I just say grow up. Very dysfunctional. We'll see what happens next. Since no one would bring it up, I suggested that my husband to talk to the caregiver so that she can talk to MIL's daughter who has POA, etc. Too bad she doesn't really do anything either except baby talk her mom and cry all the time. She's done that her whole life and it's just too much....
Ok, I've vented. Thank you.

Gabriel · 01-10-2013, 09:51 PM

Bless you Mitsy. I can tell that you are frustrated. I know I would be.

If they are using the Hospice doctor then he will be able to tweak the medications. Having multiple doctors involved only complicates the situation. Your MIL may respond better to a different medication. They also need to make sure that her agitation is not a result of pain. If it is, then the treatment is different. To make the decision, she needs a good assessment by a nurse/doctor with good information about her symptoms.

As for the catheter... my first response is NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! If it is for convenience then it is not warranted. Sure it is easier for the care giver to change a bag instead of changing diapers but there are also dangers and side effects to worry with. Infection is common with catheters. My grandmother contracted sepsis from a catheter insertion. Yes, your MIL may try to pull it out and it also makes it more difficult to move her. Not to mention it is uncomfortable which may add to her agitation. If there is a legitimate medical reason for a catheter that is one thing... but if it is for convenience then it is going too far to make life easier for the care givers.

Making the necessary advanced funeral arrangement is not wishing her dead. It is being responsible. It is being prepared. MIL is approaching the end of a long journey thought a terminal illness. She is not going to get well or even better. Why wait until after the fact, when everybody is distraught, to make such important decisions. Tell your hubby to ask the Hospice Social Worker to call a meeting of all the siblings and let the social worker address the need for such arrangements. That way it is not the suggestion of a family member but a request from Hospice. Yes, I had Mom's funeral plans completed before the day she died. The obituary was written, her outfit picked out, the casket and vault chosen, and the services planned. Then when the day came we just put the plans in place. It took a lot of stress off the family.

Keep venting... I understand your frustration and venting does help. Hopefully, with enough encouragement, hubby will step up and some of these issues will be resolved. Keep working on him and the other family members. You are doing a good thing advocating for you MIL's good treatment

Love, deb

mitsy · 01-11-2013, 06:24 AM

Thanks so much Deb!
As of the moment my husband is giving me the silent treatment, but because of several things. He wants to retire and start collecting SS. He's working part time now 4 days a week and gets paid well and has medical benefits. We aren't rich by any means and since I work in Finance, I understand how fast money goes. He's going to be a healthy 66 this month and I am younger than him and will continue to work, which I don't have a problem with. Yesterday I was blindsided because he wanted me to call this lady at his office supposedly regarding our family doctor only to find out it was about how SS works. Her knowledge was incorrect and I pointed out the facts. Regardless, he could collect his first wife's pension and my salary and wait till he's 70 to collect when the amount could add $5000 per year extra without working. His mom is now 89, so their life span history is long. I have to think of these things plus the fact that he is probably likely to get AZ and I've seen how this is working. I've felt that he's put me last on any concerns and that I'm there to help his remaining years looking after him and his needs. Even on the life insurance, most of it goes to his son and we have a big mortgage to pay off, since he chose to move and buy a new house at age 62. The same son who wrecked his car with a DWI at age 30 last year. Each of these negligences along with the silent treatments and his family are wearing on me. These boards have been a Godsend.

My SIL says just to let it go and let their family continue to be stupid. I could just let it go but somewhere down the line it will catch up to you. Having seen how the hospice has worked with MIL, I know that there are other hospice care people that could be used and would do so if it were my mother. Honestly with all this and seeing the way my husband's family works and how I have been treated has made me numb to him. Such a shame. It's not one isolated thing.

It's hard to think that MIL is going to have to continue to suffer this treatment for the years to come. They think they are doing well by her! I just know that I've done the best that I could and can't blame anything on ignorance. Thanks again for your support.

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