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Old 01-15-2013, 12:37 AM   #1
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Unhappy Can I find support here?

Both my dads parents passed away from Alzheimer's and dementia in 2006 and 2007. I was very close to them both and miss them terribly. I feel so guilty bc the day before my grandmother died I promised her I'd be back to visit. She was bed ridden and usually unresponsive, she would moan. My grandfather died the previous year n while grama was still somewhat lucid she would tell me how much she missed grandpa n that she wanted to be with him. They were married almost 75yrs. The day before she passed, I was sitting by her bed side holding her hand. I kissed her forehead. I'm not sure if she knew I was there. I told her that it was ok if she wanted to go bc I know she missed grandpa. I said the family would be ok if she was ready to be in heaven. I promised her I'd be back the next day.
On my way there the next day, my mom called n told me she passed away. I feel like I broke my promise bc I didn't make it to see her. I still feel guilty 5yrs later.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:29 AM   #2
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Re: Can I find support here?

Loki,

Welcome aboard!
Please don't feel guilty at all. No one can predict the time of death. You did see grandma 1 day before she died. So don't blame yourself because you could not see her before she died but you did see her and talked and comforted her. This is good enough. No one can tell when she would die so please don't blame yourself.
Please don't feel guilty at all. Your parents took care of her and you were not the direct caregiver so you may be late for the big news.
Don't feel guilty for so long. I actually think you should be glad that you were able to see her a day before her death and comforted her. Not everyone can even catch the day before the death. You did the best.

Hugs,
Nina

 
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:14 AM   #3
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Re: Can I find support here?

It may be that she waited until you weren't there. It seems that happens as they don't want the person to be there when they pass. I would just cherish her memory...as I am sure she would want you to do.

 
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Old 01-15-2013, 04:51 PM   #4
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Re: Can I find support here?

Loki, Titchou is right. Your grandmother may have wanted it that way. Your promise was given in good faith and you intended to keep it. What prevented you from keeping that promise was no under your control. Guilt is reserved for times when you do intentional harm. This was not intentional and you were on your way to fulfill your promise. So why feel guilty for what you have no control over? Instead you should focus on the wonderful visit you had with your Grandmother the day before. Those are the memories to hold close to your heart. Life is about choices... so chose to focus on the positive visit with your Grandmother and not what might have been if she had lived a day longer.

Love, deb

 
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:31 PM   #5
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Re: Can I find support here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Loki, Titchou is right. Your grandmother may have wanted it that way. Your promise was given in good faith and you intended to keep it. What prevented you from keeping that promise was no under your control. Guilt is reserved for times when you do intentional harm. This was not intentional and you were on your way to fulfill your promise. So why feel guilty for what you have no control over? Instead you should focus on the wonderful visit you had with your Grandmother the day before. Those are the memories to hold close to your heart. Life is about choices... so chose to focus on the positive visit with your Grandmother and not what might have been if she had lived a day longer.

Love, deb
I feel guilt bc I was tired and emotionally drained from seeing her the day before, so I slept in until 12, then headed out to sit with her. I feel it's my fault also bc I told her it was ok to go and be with grampa. I held her hand and told her its ok to let ok bc we all loved her. My last day consisted of her bedridden and unresponsive aside from ragged breathing. I stroked her hair, and held her had for hours. Singing to her., that's why I feel so guilty. I can't seem to move past it.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:34 PM   #6
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Re: Can I find support here?

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Originally Posted by ninamarc View Post
Loki,

Welcome aboard!
Please don't feel guilty at all. No one can predict the time of death. You did see grandma 1 day before she died. So don't blame yourself because you could not see her before she died but you did see her and talked and comforted her. This is good enough. No one can tell when she would die so please don't blame yourself.
Please don't feel guilty at all. Your parents took care of her and you were not the direct caregiver so you may be late for the big news.
Don't feel guilty for so long. I actually think you should be glad that you were able to see her a day before her death and comforted her. Not everyone can even catch the day before the death. You did the best.

Hugs,
Nina
I miss them so much, so very much and nody should have to die in a place like that.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:55 PM   #7
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Re: Can I find support here?

Loki, it has been 6 years, and you have to let it go. She did not die because you told her it was ok. You gave her permission to do what was best for her. That does not time her death. So what if you were exhausted and drained and slept until noon. It is how it was supposed to be. If you had made it that day would you still feel guilty because you didn't make it the next day?

....."My last day consisted of her bedridden and unresponsive aside from ragged breathing. I stroked her hair, and held her had for hours. Singing to her., that's why I feel so guilty."..... Look at what you wrote. There was no quality of life there for your grandmother. You sat with her for hours, singing to her. That is what you need to remember. This is what you did for her. Would you want her to remain in that state or do as you told her to do and go be happy with grandpa!

I lost my Grandmother to Alzheimer's in l977, my Dad to Vascular Dementia in 2010, and my Mom just a few weeks ago. Each of them spent their last days in a care facility because that was the best place for them. I did not see my Grandmother the last week of her life because I was working in another city. My Dad died while I was at home. I was there for my Mom's last breath. I told each of them it was ok for them go. I have no regrets and no guilt. It was what was best for both of them. Each of us will die in our time, and it was their time. As I said, I have no control over the timing of their deaths. It matters not if I was there or not. I loved them, and they loved me. I did what I could for them while they were alive. I miss them every day but would not wish them back in the condition they were in at the end. I could not wish for another day. I have a choice as to how I am going to let their deaths affect me. I could stay stuck in the misery and grief of their death feeling guilty for what I might or might not have done... but I chose to remember them, honor them, love them, and to live the life they would have wanted for me.

Love, deb

 
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Old 01-16-2013, 11:25 AM   #8
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Re: Can I find support here?

We all miss our loved ones who died. It is part of life. We will all die. Yes we miss them but we need to move on. Your grandma would not wish for you to feel guilty so long that you cannot really let go and move on. You can be positive about her good life when she was not sick. Cherish the good memory with her. You are haunted by this disease. Yes, the disease is cruel and the patient is in bad shape in the end. But it is part of the disease and she could not help it. It is not "that place" that was wrong. It was the disease. Your Mom did the best for your grandma. No, no one wants to die that way but it is the disease.
Sometimes I also sit down and think about my relatives who died. I thought about what I could have done for my late MIL or what I could have said to my late brother.
I thought about what could have been done for my late FIL... But they won't come back alive again. We need to cherish the good memory we have with them. If they have some good values or things, we can pass it on.

You need to move on and cherish the good memory with her. Remember her as the way she was before she was sick. Don't stick to the last day when you saw her. She didn't die because of what you said. In fact, she probably didn't even understand you but she probably felt your presence. What you said to her may not have registered in her mind at all.
Please move on. Talk to your Mom and I hope she will tell you the same thing.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 01-16-2013 at 11:29 AM.

 
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Old 01-17-2013, 12:24 AM   #9
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Re: Can I find support here?

Thank you all. I'm just worried my dad will inherite this bc both his parents had it. Unfortunaly the home they were in wasn't the best at patient care. I try to make it to their graves once a week. Thank you all for the encouragement.
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Anxiety and depression

 
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Old 01-17-2013, 06:40 AM   #10
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Re: Can I find support here?

Lokie, Many times we do not have a choice regarding what happens to us. The only thing we do have control over is how we react. We can react negatively or positively. The choice is ours. Just because your grandparents had this disease doesn't mean your Dad will have it. Why waste time worrying about what might not happen? Why hold on to guilt for something you could not control? We are what we think (as I have said here so many times). If we think negatively and dwell on negativity then we will be negative. If we change our thoughts, it doesn't take much, we can change the way we think. Change I should have..... into I did..... Change I worry.... into I look forward to..... Little changes, each day, will help

Love, deb

 
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:03 AM   #11
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Re: Can I find support here?

at least you were there one day before she past on. thats more than many other people can say. i cant say i did that even for my grandparents. of course i didnt know the moment and day they would die either. i think i visited a week before their death's. let go and give all the guilt ect to God. time to mov eon. write your grandparents a letter saying how much you miss them and put it some where safe and know that they see it. maybe attack it to a balloon and let it go into the heavens.

Last edited by sadgirl74; 01-17-2013 at 11:06 AM.

 
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