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Old 01-26-2013, 08:12 AM   #1
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After the loss.

It's a little over 3 weeks since mom passed away. I don't know if I'm entirely use to it yet?
I'm a little worried about myself, because lately I've been having quite a few episodes of short term memory loss. I pray that this is from stress and not that I'm following in mom's footsteps with the dementia. Can't seem to relax, agitated and having occassional crying spells. Some of them are not only for mom, but also with the frustration that I feel.

dorri

 
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:34 PM   #2
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Re: After the loss.

Dorri,

It is normal to feel depressed after Mom died. Why don't you have a checkup with the doctor and tell him/her that you feel this way. If you want, you can ask for a referral for a neurologist or psychiatrist to see what the problem is. You can do the MMSE test to see what is happening.
Good luck.

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Old 02-02-2013, 09:49 PM   #3
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Re: After the loss.

After my mom died I too had problems. I would forget things, I could not concentrate on to many things at once. I was worried just like you about going down that path. It was a very scarry time. For me it was the suddenness of not having the demanding job of looking after my mom. I was so focused on my mom that when she died I was set adrift with no plan. For years all I did was worry about my mom, it was a full time job. Now life is getting back to some sort of normal. My mom has been gone a year on feb.12...I have a small part time job now and I am once more doing some crafts. There is life after Alzheimer.

Gentle hugs to you. You are still just getting over your mom. It may take some time. Be easyon your self..it has been such a short time.....

Hugs judy
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:37 PM   #4
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Re: After the loss.

Thank you, your reply does make me feel better. I can relate to feeling adrift, so hope it passes and my mind clears.
I never realized how connected and on my toes I was with mom until now, I still find myself on my toes in a hyper vigilant mode especially when the phone rings, until I catch and remind myself, that "hey, mom is not with us anymore, mom is gone, mom isn't coming back, mom doesn't need help anymore. I wasn't mom's caregiver for long, she moved several hundred miles away from here to be with my sister, but the tension was with me none the less, and worry was constant, so was the guilt that I didn't live closer. We offered to bring mom here, but she didn't want to leave my other sister and the Nursing Home she was in. The trips were so hard on me, so was leaving her each time. The last time I was there, I just wanted to scoop her into my arms and take her home with me and care for her, but I knew that couldn't be, and that there was no right time to say goodbye. I couldn't say good bye, atleast not in the sense of saying it for the last time. The last time I left her was like any other time that I left. I told her that I would be leaving to go home, but she didn't connect. I kissed her and left her resting comfortably. I sometimes think, if only I had stayed a week and a half longer, but then I remind myself that there was no right time to say goodbye, whether it was then or later?

 
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:09 AM   #5
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Re: After the loss.

I will throw in that I have felt much the same. When you spend so many years completely immersed in a situation and then it suddenly disappears, there is going to be a period of adjustment. I too have to remind myself that the phone can no longer bring the news that I already have. I get up and have to remind myself that I do not have to go to the care facility. I do feel like I have been set adrift. I remind myself every day that this is a good thing

Beyond that there is the physical and emotional exhaustion to deal with. I am exhausted in both aspects. My brain and body has spent so many years churning away to take care of Dad and then Mom. Now suddenly that is no longer needed. It seems that both my body and brain has gone into sleep mode. I know it is recovery mode and will take a while to accomplish but I am sluggish right now.... and it's ok because I earned it!

I was able to spend 10 days in the UK which was a blessing. My daughter's wedding was true to her... tie dye and blue jeans! I was able to hike with her and seen many wonderful sights while I was there. It also gave me something completely different to use as a transition from what was to what will be.

Just know that all this is completely normal. Remember that change, good or bad, causes stress. Stress can lead to everything we are talking about. Keep reminding yourself that all is well and your new normal will reveal itself to you. It takes time... more than a few weeks. Many say it will take as much as a year to find that new normal. So take your time... be patient.

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:28 AM   #6
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Re: After the loss.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
I will throw in that I have felt much the same. When you spend so many years completely immersed in a situation and then it suddenly disappears, there is going to be a period of adjustment. I too have to remind myself that the phone can no longer bring the news that I already have. I get up and have to remind myself that I do not have to go to the care facility. I do feel like I have been set adrift. I remind myself every day that this is a good thing

Beyond that there is the physical and emotional exhaustion to deal with. I am exhausted in both aspects. My brain and body has spent so many years churning away to take care of Dad and then Mom. Now suddenly that is no longer needed. It seems that both my body and brain has gone into sleep mode. I know it is recovery mode and will take a while to accomplish but I am sluggish right now.... and it's ok because I earned it!

I was able to spend 10 days in the UK which was a blessing. My daughter's wedding was true to her... tie dye and blue jeans! I was able to hike with her and seen many wonderful sights while I was there. It also gave me something completely different to use as a transition from what was to what will be.

Just know that all this is completely normal. Remember that change, good or bad, causes stress. Stress can lead to everything we are talking about. Keep reminding yourself that all is well and your new normal will reveal itself to you. It takes time... more than a few weeks. Many say it will take as much as a year to find that new normal. So take your time... be patient.

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-03-2013, 07:37 AM   #7
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Re: After the loss.

hi.deb.iv had anxiety for about 4 years,have my daughter and son telling me there problems all the time,i lost my brother 18/11/2012 aged 63 had to arrange his funeral its not that i think its health anxiety.i found a link called no panik and it helped a bit but my doctor gave me tablets called propranolol 80mg he said its an exsperiment yeah right.?these beta-blockers are for different things they slow down heart beat.thats whats worrying me? he said they also work with anxiety.but was told 80mg is a high dose.i have not taken them.best wishes ray.

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Old 02-03-2013, 08:55 AM   #8
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Re: After the loss.

Thanks Deb, congratulations on your daughter's wedding, what a beautiful distraction? After reading your reply, I cried for you, and I also cried for me. There's something about releasing, that helps to adjust to our new found lives. I know how very much you were committed to both your parents, yes, while mourning them both, at the same time you are mourning the loss of the same old pattern of what you had become accustomed to, like you said, running to the Nursing Home, caregiving, waiting for the phone to ring and hoping each time it won't be unsettling news etc.. After being in this state for several years, I have to remind myself over and over again that I'm free, that it's okay to let go.

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Old 02-03-2013, 12:54 PM   #9
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Re: After the loss.

..."I'm free, that it's okay to let go."...

Exactly!! That is what we have to remind ourselves frequently. We have to know it is ok. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to be happy. It is ok to feel what we feel. We need to talk about it and let go of the negative feelings that tend to creep up on us. We need to find the positive we have gained from the experience and the positive that we are striving for. We have to do know that we did the very best we could and now it is time to move forward to a new normal. We have to know we are going to find a new normal that is right for us and in which we will be happy!

Ray, one thing I have learned along the way is that the problems of others belong to them. We can help when possible but we can not fix it for them. We can listen with empathy but we do not need to own their problems. We have to let those go whenever possible. Yes, any medication they would give you for anxiety or depression do have side effect. They can be effective in the short term but it is also necessary to change our situation and our thinking. It is possible to train our brains because we are what we think and we do control what we think.

I could have become a real Negative Nelly over the last 15 years. Not much has turned out the way I envisions. But from each situation I have gained something positive and found a way through it. Each has made me a stronger and better person. It is not what happens to you but what you do with it that counts. No matter what comes my way... life is good and I am blessed I don't know what my tomorrow will bring but I will embrace whatever that is and go forward. Life is what happens when we are busy making plans... so enjoy the ride.

Love, deb

 
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Old 02-03-2013, 02:49 PM   #10
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Re: After the loss.

Deb and others, you are all such special people. This board has been such a tremendous support line. You've always given me such good advice, comforted me, laughed with me I'm sure and cried with me also, you've all helped me on my journey with my mom's dementia from beginning to end. I wouldn't have made it without you all. Also thank you to those who have also lost someone close and dear to them, but are here offering support for others. God bless you all.

 
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