Mitsy, both of my parents were on Hospice and I was consulted on each decision that was made. Many times they would explain the situation and options, then asking me what I wanted to do. Yes, the family does have choices. Hospice does have rules that they follow. There are treatments and test that they do not cover. But even then you have the choice to follow Hospice recommendation or go in another direction.
Sometimes it is difficult to tell exactly what is happening. The lack of urine is a crisis situation. It can be caused by a long list of reasons. It could be from dehydration, medication, urinary tract blockage, kidney failure.. and more. They may think they know the cause. Then with other symptoms and test decide it is something different. Unless all family members are getting the same explanations from Hospice, there can be the added complication of information being misunderstood or repeated incorrectly.
I do understand your last statement. There are some that accept the inevitable and want to be prepared when the end comes. There are others that do not want to accept what is coming and would rather wish (no matter how unrealistic) that the inevitable will not happen. Getting things ready will NOT change the outcome one way or the other.
What I will say is that getting plans in order can make it easier for all. Those in denial will be in distress afterwards. It will be even harder to make those final plans. When Dad died in March 2010, nothing had been done. It was 5 days of confusion as we tried to write the obituary (leaving out things we wanted in it), picking out clothes, finding a casket (availability became a problem), and finding the pall bearers we wanted. There was a lot of conflict as to what to do. Decisions were not easy to make in that time of stress. When Mom died New Years Eve, her obituary had already been written and only the date needed to be inserted. We already knew which newspapers we wanted the obituary in. The clothes, casket (preordered), pall bearers, and other details had already been decided on. It was very simple to just put the plan into action. In the days following Mom's death, there were no big decisions to make and no conflict. I sent out a request for the obit to be written. It took two request but one sister finally stepped up. It was then sent to everybody via e-mail for approval. A few corrections were made and it was done! That actually got the ball rolling. I then sent out a selection of four outfits and ask which one. After one answered, the other two chimed in so they would not be left out. My sister actually handled the casket selection next. It seemed that once the ball was rolling it just finished the journey. So rather than just saying... we need plans... ask somebody to do something specific and go from there
My recommendation is for every family to do this when entering the later stages of dementia. The sooner the better. It's not wishing for the end but being prepared when the end comes.