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Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Message Board
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Old 08-27-2013, 04:34 AM   #1
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help needed urgently

My mom is a widow. Recently she has had several medical issues and has been hospitalized twice for conditions that were ignored by her. Upon discharge the doctors and case managers called me and told me she needed round the clock aide due to memory loss. Two doctors wrote notorized letters stating she was a danger to herself and thus unable to manage her affairs; so my brother and I could activate POA for financial and medical issues thru her trust. We spent a week putting her affairs in order, got yhe aide and activated her long term care policy. My mom was very very angry and screams, yells, laughs, jokes etc.
The main problem is her boyfriend who has never lived with her. He is trying to isolate her by having her drive down to his apartment to be away from the aide, telling her to get rid of the aide, helping her to try and take money out of frozen assets, encouraging her to distrust her kids, advising her on attempting to take out a mortgage etc. She says she is fine and is going to get a lawyer to get control of her life again. The boyfriend is verbally abusive to us and the aide.
Can two doctors official letters be overturned? We only did what her doctors said to do under her trust. The doctor who wrote one of her letters is now setting up competency eval and says dementia testing can come later. We are so confused as the doctor wrote he felt she was unable to be in control already so why the competency vs dementia testing? Oh yea, the boyfriend is trying to gain control over her trusts and can only do this if she is found competent again. This is tearing our family apart

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 06:55 AM   #2
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Re: help needed urgently

That boyfriend needs to go bye bye. You have done what you need to do for your Mom and be grateful that you have doctor's that will support you in doing what needs to be done to keep your Mom safe.

In this situation, I do believe that what the doctor's are doing is correct. With an outsider (boyfriend) trying to gain control of her finances, the competency evaluation is much more important. The Dementia diagnosis will give you an explanation as to which Dementia is causing the incompetency but for now, the fact that she is incompetent is most important. If she is not competent then she can not change the legal papers that gave you and your brother control.

I am not sure where you are but here it is a legal decision as to her competency. If you have two doctor's that are declaring her incompetent that is overwhelming evidence but you can never be 100% sure what a court will do. Can I assume that this boyfriend does not have the financial well being that your Mom has? Make sure you have a good lawyer, familiar with competency cases, on your side... and be sure that information regarding this boyfriend is available to be included in the evidence since he is helping her. You need to know his motivations. You will also need examples of irrational behavior by your Mom. This supports the doctor's claims. Don't try to do this yourself.

Remember that Dementia (of any kind) is not just memory loss. It is also changes in behavior, the inability to think logically and rationally, the inability to use good judgement and make good decisions. Those with Dementia may believe that their decisions are sound and rational. They may believe that they are fine and that it is you that is being irrational. Because this is their reality and they believe it just as strongly as you believe your reality, they may seem very convincing. That is why you need all the evidence possible when it goes to trial and the guidance of a good competency lawyer.

Instead of tearing the family apart this should bring the family closer. What you are doing is right for Mom and what she needs. It is protecting her from herself and her boyfriend. You need to keep your focus on what Mom NEEDS! What she wants, and what the boyfriend wants, are not your objective or responsibility. Your responsibility, now that Mom can not make such decisions rationally, is what Mom needs.

Has the doctor told your Mom not to drive? If not he needs to do that immediately and notify the proper authorities. They will take away her driving permit. If the boyfriend insist that Mom drive to him without a permit then that is an irrational act by both of them. I would definitely tell the boyfriend that Mom is required to stay with the care givers per orders of the doctor and that is how it will be. If he can not abide by the instructions of the doctor, then that is also an irrational act. So just keep doing exactly what you are doing and I do hope it will all turn out well. My bet is, when the boyfriend fails to gain control of the money he will disappear

Love, deb

 
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Old 08-27-2013, 02:57 PM   #3
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Re: help needed urgently

You said the boyfriend is verbal abusive. It is possible that he abuses your Mom.
If you can prove that she is incompetent, you could sue him for taking her away.
If he is abusive, maybe the social worker can find a way for him to go away.
If he is warned by the legal authority, maybe he will give up. Prove that he mistreats Mom and etc. Get an elderly care attorney too.

Good luck,
Nina

 
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Old 08-29-2013, 07:53 AM   #4
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Re: help needed urgently

If you have POA, try an get an order of protection against the boyfriend. Better yet, have a big bad male relative corner him and tell him to scram or else! He's a parasite!

 
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:36 AM   #5
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Re: help needed urgently

My take? The bf is after her money. Plain and simple.

I have seen it happen before with my stepfather. When he was approaching the end, his estranged sons came out of woodwork and tried to change his Will and his POA to my mom. End result was that when he finally died, most of his bank accounts were emptied by his kids, who promptly left town leaving my mother with the last hospitilization bills, the last nursing home bills, and the funeral/burial bills. Nice, huh?

What we should have done, and what I think you really need to do now, is to hire the best attorney you can who can advise you and help legally protect your mom against such predators. He is still bf, and you are kin AND POA. You have the upper hand right now, legally. Take action to protect. Now.

 
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