Anyone In the Same Situation? - Anger Management Message Board

tinahay · 11-05-2003, 08:22 AM

I used to be a very hard person to get angry. It used to take so much to get under my skin, but since my father died (2+ years ago), I have been angry at almost everything.

I had no unresolved issues with my dad, and I had a very close relationship with him. My mother and I are still very close, in fact she is our childcare provider.

I know that I am angry all the time because of my dad's death, but I'm not sure why this makes me angry. My dad went through 7 years of deterioration, and declining health, and we knew all along that he might die any day.

I am not violent, although I could see myself being that way...I just know better than to let that anger take over me. I have been taking my anger out on my husband, my mom, and my kids (in the form of fussing at them, and yelling when they do something that makes me angry).

I try SO hard not to let myself get angry, but it almost seems like my anger episodes are not under my control. It always takes me several minutes to calm myself down after I get angry. I have seen a counselor, but that didn't help at all. Her suggestion was to do some things (hobbies) that I have always wanted to do like songwriting, writing stories/poems, etc. The problem is that I don't have the time to do any of this:

I have 2 children (3 years old and 18 months). The 3 year old is very trying (doesn't listen, has tempter tantrums, throws objects in protest...the usual 3 year old behavior, plus some

), and the 18 month old is developmentally delayed and requires multiple physical and occupational therapy sessions each week. I work 30 hours a week, and my husband works full time. Heck, I don't even have time to do the laundry each week (thank God my husband helps out!). I used to cook dinner every night, but lately I'm lucky to be able to cook dinner 2 times a week!

Any suggestions for calming my anger, or getting to the real source of my anger? I'd love to give myself some relaxation time, or some time to do whatever hobbies I like, but I just can't spare any free time.

TomsWife · 11-05-2003, 12:49 PM

Hi,
First of all I have to say that just with the ages of your children, boy your hands are full! God bless you. My "baby" turned 18 TODAY !

-- Seems like just yesterday I took him home from the hospital.
Anyway here are some of my suggestions:
You said that your mom is your child care provider. Is there any way that at least one night a week (2 would be wonderful

) that she could keep them an extra hour or so? This way, you could spend time to write that poem thats been on the tip of your tounge. To "repay" her you could take her out to eat once a month (doesnt have to be fancy). The beauty of that is you have down time from the family with JUST your mother. I am sure she would like that too ! Win-win situation.

Another thing, does your job allow you to take time off? I understand that you work 30 hours a week. Can you perhaps only work 25? If so, would free up 20 per month and every one has clean undies (I struggle with laundry too! And while the dryer is running, you can prepare dinner, call your husband and tell him its his turn to pick up the children). If you can talk freely to your boss, explain that you want to cut your hours to recharge your batteries. And that it doesnt have to be forever (but shoot for that if you can financially) Another win-win situation.

Do you work on the weekends? Does your husband? If not, why not ask him if he would take your children somewhere for a couple of hours. The park, a stroll at the local mall, a ice cream cone etc. Perfect time to prepare some meals for during the week that you could freeze and reheat. That doesnt have to be fancy either, how do hot dogs freeze anyway?

LOL I think you understand what I mean. Another win-win situation

Let me take a moment now to tell you that I am so sorry for the passing of your father. I havent experienced what you went through yet (thank you Lord). I can only imagine.
You mentioned counceling. Like good 'ole Ann Landers said if a councelor doesnt help, find another one. I senced a sadness in your post about your father and I think you need to talk about that more. Although "writing a song" may help, I get the impression that there are things you do need to talk about even though you have no unresolved issues with him.
I will be back to this post and offer more sugestions but I have to run now. I am a lurker on this board and your post just popped out at me.

Bye for now....

Marilyn

tinahay · 11-05-2003, 03:11 PM

Thanks Marilyn!

I recently "officially" cut my hours to 30 per week, plus our kids are now on my insurance (which is better than my husband's), so I can't reduce my hours any more...but I sure would love to!

I have thought about asking my mom to watch the kids a little longer once a week, but she watches them whenever my husband and I need her to (to get some housecleaning done, to go to a football game, etc.). Oddly enough, even though my husband and I go to all the Bucs home games, I still don't feel like it's a day away from the kids...probably because my oldest kid is with me.

I'll definitely have to get my husband to watch the kids so I can do some songwriting or go out and get a breather by myself. Funny you should mention writing a song about my dad's death...I've already done that...I just need to finish composing music for it.

Thanks for all your suggestions. It's nice to hear something other than "don't let things bother you so much".

hartbis · 11-08-2003, 11:34 AM

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Originally Posted by tinahay

Thanks Marilyn!

I recently "officially" cut my hours to 30 per week, plus our kids are now on my insurance (which is better than my husband's), so I can't reduce my hours any more...but I sure would love to!

I have thought about asking my mom to watch the kids a little longer once a week, but she watches them whenever my husband and I need her to (to get some housecleaning done, to go to a football game, etc.). Oddly enough, even though my husband and I go to all the Bucs home games, I still don't feel like it's a day away from the kids...probably because my oldest kid is with me.

I'll definitely have to get my husband to watch the kids so I can do some songwriting or go out and get a breather by myself. Funny you should mention writing a song about my dad's death...I've already done that...I just need to finish composing music for it.

Thanks for all your suggestions. It's nice to hear something other than "don't let things bother you so much".

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hartbis · 11-08-2003, 11:56 AM

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Originally Posted by hartbis

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Hi, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I also have anger management problems which is partly stress related. Just too much to do, and too little time. (Also, past unresolved issues.) One thing you might try is journaling each day. I did it in the past and it helped, especially when I went back and read it. Somehow it helps to let your thoughts free flow on paper, for your eyes only. (I used my computer with a password.)
One idea is to journal to identify all your problems and then go one by one, and try to write down a solution. I also spent some time with a life coach who pointed out we all need balance in our lives. He drew a wheel like a pie chart and listed the areas of family, health, social life, finances, spiritual, (I can't remember the rest). Anyway you get the idea. He then said to indicate to the percentage where you are satisfied in those areas. Naturally, I was way out of balance!!! So the next step is to work towards achieving balance. There are alot of really good "self help" books you can get at the library.