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Old 04-08-2004, 02:08 PM   #1
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I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

I am just so mad right now. I have been dealing with my husband and my step daughters for 8 years now and I never get consulted about what is going to happen with my life. I am taking time off of work right now and I was informed today that his daughter who is 16 is coming over tomorrow because she is bored. He know's we do not get along but he want's me to spend the day with her. This is my time off of work and I did not want this to happen. I need time away from people right now and his snaughty step daughter is not what I want to deal with right now. I just feel like I have no control over my life at all. I have expressed this to no end until I am blue in the face but he just doesn't listen. Some people have said on here in the past that it is my responsiblity to take charge of how others treat me. Well how far do I have to go to do that? I said no and yelled and have screamed and what I want or need just seems to get pushed away. I was just asking him on the phone if he was going to take part of the day off because she is coming over and wants to spend time with him but he said he did not know. So once again this whole situation is thrown on me. This may seem selfish of me but if you knew what I am dealing with right now in the way of depression and trying to get myself together you would understand. I need help in dealing with my emotional problems and have not had the energy or drive to actually do this. I can't seem to get out of bed these days. I sleep about 15 hours a day just to get away from things and how am I supposed to deal with a teenager rationally right now. Why is he throwing all of this at me when he knows how upset I am about things right now?

 
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Old 04-08-2004, 11:44 PM   #2
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

You could tell him you can't help him, you have plans (even if it's plans to do your nails, make popcorn and rent a movie, it's still a plan). Advise him he'll have to be there for her or make it another day, because you won't be there-the end. That's how. Nothing more on the matter, don't stress over it. Don't let others obligate you without asking you first. If you get widdled into it, you are letting it happen. Give it a shot.

If it means that much to you to be alone, do it. Don't yell or scream, that won't make anyone hear you. If verbals don't work, take action-but always walk away when your angry, nothing good comes from losing control. Saying no calmly and walking away is all you need. There is no debate, arguement or discussion. Take one issue at a time. No more then that, you seem overloaded. You don't need to have all the answers. Sometimes it's better if you throw your hands to the air and say, I don't know and leave perfection to everyone else

It sounds like he may be trying to help you, it's not good to sleep that much.

 
Old 04-09-2004, 10:33 AM   #3
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

Well, in the end he ended up taking her home and I have the day to myself. Yes, he is concerned that I am sleeping so much. It kind of concerns me also but it will have to change soon since I do have a job and will have to go back there sometime soon or find another job soon. I think that is part of why I am sleeping so much I am soo stressed over work lately that I just want to sleep to get away from everything. I just feel right now I need some time to figure out what I want to do. It's kind of hard to do that though if I am asleep. All I know is earlier this week when I was sleeping in the middle of the night I had a dream about work and it was very upsetting and jarred me awake and I was having a panic attack. I am not a person who even gets panic attacks. So there must be something wrong either with me or my job is really way too stressful. I do know that one woman is switching jobs because of it and the other one pretty much talks about quitting every day. I did actually quit this week but they are begging me to come back.

You are right I probably should not yell and scream but it seems like unless I am very dramatic and loud no one listens to me. I feel as though I have to cause a scene otherwise I just get walked on. I am normally a very mello person almost too mello sometimes so maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times. I know last week my younger step daughter who is 12 said to me that she has never seen me get mad. Well that is not true for one thing but apparently that is her impression of me. I tend to hold my anger in and go in the other room but I just end up internalizing the anger and if this happens enough times then it gets all bottled up and we know what happens then. Sometimes it's anger that comes out but lately I just end up with an I give up feeling and get all depressed and go to bed to get away. It's not a good way of handling things but I have tried to face things for a long time now and I am just getting plain worn down.

 
Old 04-13-2004, 04:56 PM   #4
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

undefinedundefinedundefined
Hi there. I read your post. First let me say I'm glad you had the day to yourself!!! It is SOOOO important to have that "away" time. Whether it's going to McDonald's (or wherever) with a book or a bubble bath, etc. I read this and had to reply. My work .... arghhhhh .... stressed me out to the point I ended up in an emergency room. I was having heart palpitations. They called them panic attacks. I had been sleeping alot, etc. I saw my doctor after the hospital. He prescribed an anti-depressant. One that I can take WHEN I need or want to. I hate pills. (Reason behind not wanting to take pills was watching my mother die cuz she had a number of things wrong with her and had to take about 50 prescribed pills a day!!). Go to your doctor ... talk to him/her. It's important that you do. You can't always deal with this alone. I am a single mom and I live with my boyfriend. I am the sole provider for the 3 of us while he's getting his work permit. He doesn't drive so I do all the errands, work, bills, etc etc etc and etc! Screaming doesn't work. Tried it ... failed. Telling them ... I am doing this and walking away ... no arguments no discussion DOES work. Gets there attention by the way *grins*. Since I've had the pills I haven't taken a single one. Just knowing I have them really really helped. Not sure why ... psychological I guess. *laffin* If you have a close friend ... call her/him ... make a dinner date with them. Get OUT of the house! Even if it's only an hour or so. If you're in the Chicago area let me know. I'll meet you for dinner. Helps to have a friend to talk to or to rant at. I have one special one I can call anytime anywhere and off we go ... even if we just drive around and vent to each other. I also started a new diet on Feb 11th. I've lost 27 lbs ... only another 70 to go. I've noticed with the change in food it's helped. Carbs make me sleepy but boy do I love em!! Pasta, potatos, bread .. yummmmm. Taking some vitamins has also helped. You have options ... please always remember that!! Take care of yourself first! The rest will come.

 
Old 04-15-2004, 08:09 PM   #5
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Smile Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

part 1 of 2...


[QUOTE=Kari7171]Well, in the end he ended up taking her home and I have the day to myself. Yes, he is concerned that I am sleeping so much. It kind of concerns me also but it will have to change soon since I do have a job and will have to go back there sometime soon or find another job soon. I think that is part of why I am sleeping so much I am soo stressed over work lately that I just want to sleep to get away from everything. I just feel right now I need some time to figure out what I want to do. It's kind of hard to do that though if I am asleep. All I know is earlier this week when I was sleeping in the middle of the night I had a dream about work and it was very upsetting and jarred me awake and I was having a panic attack. I am not a person who even gets panic attacks. So there must be something wrong either with me or my job is really way too stressful.

Is the job stress at the same level daily? You need to find ways to cope and relieve job related stress and any stress for that matter, while figuring out what it is you need to do, and take it from there, one day at a time.

Job stress steam needs to be blown off. If not, it will work on you and come through in in different ways, sleeping too much or too little, bad dreams, high blood pressure, misplaced aggression, self destructive tendency etc. If it's not rid of, it will make your body and mind ill, set up camp and make you it's home until it's purged. It affects the entire family and often misunderstood. If you donít learn how to cope it can make you sick and turn you into someone you donít want to be.

I stayed in a very stressful job too long and it took a toll eventually. If this job is that stressful, get out and save yourself. I used to have bad dreams about that job. No job, no amount of pay is worth it. There is no reason you need to subject yourself to it. Lean on your husband for support. Think of your well being and your life. I donít know if he is, but he should be encouraging you to leave that place or encouraging you to get help. I suspect you donít tell him how bad it is but you know and thatís enough to get yourself out and also, do tell him. If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken the doctors note and done something useful with it. Donít let that job train your body for stress because once it happens itís hard to reverse. The longer the body is under stress the harder it is to undo. Itís not a cold you can shake. Lean on your spouse for the support. You need to tell him exactly what the job is doing to you and detail it and tell him you need his support to quit and regroup to move on. While your at it tell the doctor and donít fancy it up, tell it like it is.

Donít let anger be the way you vent. It hurts everyone who is subjected to it. It's negative energy that builds but can be vented constructively. It can take over in ways you might be unaware, and not knowing what to do about it I think is part of the reason your dealing with it as you are. That needs to change altogether. You need help to learn how as you have asked. Thatís a first step but follow up with it. Go to the doctor and ask him what you can do. Work on initiating internal dialogue and journal it, as the saying goes, can't change what we don't acknowledge.

Talking it out of your system will expel stress but why bother if you continually close down and to put it out of your mind? That wonít help you deal with issues. Itís the lawn, keeps growing, needs mowing. Let that goÖStress is the monkey on your back, while walking it off is a must, you need to get to the point that where the triggers are gone all together. Journal, it's a tool thatís harmless the paper wonít get hurt. Venting, pure steam is not intended for consumption by others, not good for them and if they are screamed at, then they have to offload the stress you gave them (not a gift) itís taking it out on them and thatís not something they deserve. Thatís another reason to walk away. It's a specific energy that's passed from one to another, the hot potato to no end. It can bleed into other situations as it has with the work situation, the frustration carriess over into your home life and doing a number.

Do you scream at work? Would work associates understand you more if you did? If so why? If no, why?

When you talk about it until your blue in the face and donít feel ďreleaseĒ and nothing ďhappensĒ does it mean they did not hear you? What makes you feel better, venting or being understood? Adrenaline moving about? Work out, you will get the same feeling. Bike ride. Physical exercise will release the hormones you want.

Some get involved in sports, power walking, tennis, handball, baseball, manifests, seeding elsewhere in life, it will stay and build until it's vented. When faced with that stress, holding it in and back, stuffing it down is not handling it-that is burying it until it diffuses at a later time.

Depression is anger turned inward. When it's bottled up like an improperly packed grocery bag, over/under eating, lift something too heavy-something eventually gives when the balance is missing. You know it but are not in touch with your heart long enough to have it mean more.

The frustrations you're having at work are coming home, and if that same type of pressure is felt at home, your reacting in the same way and it's not helping. In the title of your post, you say you are angry about never being consulted about your life. Do you feel the same way about work? If you sense you are being squeezed by your husband, it may be the straw that broke the camel's back because of the work situation and not really about him, that may be why there is an ďover reaction triggerĒ at home because itís really about work.

You are over the top with work stress and taking the frustrations out on them by yelling at them, possibly about the same issues, because of the mounting work stress. You may be getting dumped on at work and that's bound to carry over to get dumped at home, maybe not at first, but eventually it does, so itís unsuccessfully ďput offĒ.
Where do all those feelings go? Who gets the brunt, that release, yelled at?

Sleeping may be the coping mechanism you've adopted. Your doctor can help, tell him or her about the sleeping, bad dreams, your frustration level at home, about work and ask what you can do...


I do know that one woman is switching jobs because of it and the other one pretty much talks about quitting every day. I did actually quit this week but they are begging me to come back.


If you go back, it should be on certain expressed terms, your terms! Don't let excess workload fall on your shoulders. Now would be a good time to brainstorm changes that could help the situation and make it a better place to want to be.

Do you take breaks or lunches? If not, you must and by law you are entitled to it. Promote high turnover, burnout and fatigue by denying breaks. If there is no employee lounge or place to have lunch, leave the building on break. If you stay at your station on break, it is not a true break and defeats the purpose. Get out, go to the deli, walk with coworkers etc. Brainstorm with your team. If there is no employee lounge, is there space that may be designated for one? Guidelines and rules make for organized chaos, oils that machine. The more you are able to handle and take on the more they will give you. Can you make change happen their? I think you have leverage.

continued...

 
Old 04-15-2004, 08:11 PM   #6
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

part 2 of 2

At work, when you commit yourself to task, do you tend to over extend yourself? Are you able to say no when appropriate?

If you changed jobs and had similar stresses at the new job, how would you handle the situation differently?


You are right I probably should not yell and scream but it seems like unless I am very dramatic and loud no one listens to me. I feel as though I have to cause a scene otherwise I just get walked on.

Before you said, "I have expressed this to no end until I am blue in the face but he just doesn't listen..."

When you scream, dramatic, cause a scene, are you verbally more specific with detail, more descriptive to convey your thoughts & feelings?

When you talk until you are blue in the face and think you are being ignored, is there a chance you were not understood? What gives you that impression?

What exactly is different in the two exchanges? When you say he does not listen, how do you know he isn't? Is this expression of anger a knee jerk reaction that makes you feel better? If so why?

In other words, does yelling make you feel more understood? If so how? If so, why? How does volume and drama convey your thoughts or improve their understanding any better then normal two way conversation? You may need to vent more then you need understanding conversation or perhaps you become upset because you are forced to discuss how you feel and your thoughts, something you are not comfortable doing? Mad at yourself maybe?

If you talk and don't think you are being understood, you need to reiterate, clarify and be patient with them. If you become easily agitated and frustrated because you are unable to express yourself, is it their fault? You can't blame them for what you can't do yourself can you? If you want him to listen to you, know what it is you want to say. If you don't it may be pent up stress more then anything else. If that's not it then it's not about understanding, but more about venting that makes you "feel" better, because anger never makes the situation (not how you feel) better does it? Screaming at others is not justifiable. It's a verbal assault and not fair to others. If you are angry about work you must have self control and not take it out on them, deal with it.

Expressing anger = lack of self control.
Anger has no value or power. It is not a tool for effective communication. Venting properly is done so by governing stress rather then it governing you. Take it out on the punching bag, yell at a wrestling match, have a good cry do what you need to to get rid of it. You have to, everyone experiences stress, how they cope is another story.

When screaming, what exactly is expressed differently, other then volume and anger then when you calmly talk or do you? Is anything really different at all? Or is it that you got it off your chest and feel better? It is perception. Are you any more specific verbally when yelling? Are you forcing your feelings? If so, could that be why your upset because your forced to talk about it? Could you be giving anger more credit then it's due?


I am normally a very mello person almost too mello sometimes so maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times.


Still waters run deep. If you exude a calm facade while on the inside have a lot on your mind, you are not being true to yourself or your husband. How is he to know what you are thinking if you don't tell him? Being upset is not the problem, it's how you communicate it that is. They are not mind readers. If you come home from work and he asks, how was your day and you respond by saying same old same old and that was the end of it, that conveys very little. If you told him, Jane doe dumped a lot on me today, john doe fired willy and the account rep snipped at you, a coworker was out sick, and that it made you feel xyz (this and that) that's offering more for him to take in and digest to know what you are going through day to day. Don't water it down. Avoiding that can have the rebound affect. Can you open up and make yourself more vulnerable? Do you have a hard time trusting him?

[B]
I know last week my younger step daughter who is 12 said to me that she has never seen me get mad. Well that is not true for one thing but apparently that is her impression of me.

Anger is not something you want to befriend, understand yes, embrace no. It's good the 12 year old does not see you get angry.

I tend to hold my anger in and go in the other room but I just end up internalizing the anger and if this happens enough times then it gets all bottled up and we know what happens then.
It's good that you control your anger. It's not good if you can't see a situation with perspective without getting personally involved.

You seem to have an understanding. You should hold your anger in and go to another room and cool off. That does not make what triggered you go away. It needs to be revisited on your own in self reflection, to really look in the mirror and ask yourself what specifically got to you, why it got to you, and how you can change perception, the thought process that gets you upset...

You followed that with thoughts he should know how upset you are with work and should not dump her on you. What was the true source of your upset? Was it that you were angry with him, angry with the thought of spending time with someone you don't like or angry about having to go to a job you hate? Angry at the world? I think a lot is tied into the stress of the job but the main problem is that you need to vent what you are not identifying. You don't have to see stress to know you carry it around. A way to get rid of daily stress is to do just that and offload it so you can better function. Accept imperfection. You don't have to be perfect, just forgiving of yourself and others and learn to accept and keep at it. It's not something easy to do and takes work. That third eye if you will. It's keeping the mirror up and things in check and balance.

Knowing and believing are different. Knowing is in the mind, thinking is thought, believing comes from the heart. What you are putting out there is not just what you see but what others see. You need to be fully aware of what comes out, like clothing, the spirit has dress. How are you "dressed". It may be a revelation. Were you raised and encouraged to not express yourself or feelings or were you encouraged to be yourself and bold? Did you have choices and make decisions for yourself or did others? Do you consider yourself a bully? Have others?

If you talk yourself into a state of powerlessness, into the mindset you lack control over your life, it will continue to perpetuate feelings of victimization and will dominate you and your life. In a sense your life is not your own if you let these thoughts dominate you, you are right and that's part of the struggle but it's not because of others.

That could translate to the frustration of wanting life to be different then it is. You need to learn to be more accepting and believe the only thing you can do is change how you see things. With that comes great peace. You can give every scenario of how bad things are but it will never justify your loss of self management and control. You control how you are to others, they don't control you-that's one thing you need to self talk. , but not having control over a situation or persons actions (in what they say, do etc) rather then themselves. Not dealing with thoughts or feelings beyond that is a problem. It's good that you walk away but you still need to deal with it after

Sometimes it's anger that comes out but lately I just end up with an I give up feeling and get all depressed and go to bed to get away. It's not a good way of handling things but I have tried to face things for a long time now and I am just getting plain worn down.[/QUOTE]

When that feeling of giving up comes in, thatís a direct internal request to vent. Donít oblige that feeling to give up but rather delve into what is wrong and know it. You can face things all you want but facing it wonít change it. Whatís in your heart has to be in line with your head. If you are not being true to yourself and get to the real issues (dig deep) it will continue. Why such animosity? Dig deeply, even if it is painful. Cry....

 
Old 04-15-2004, 09:48 PM   #7
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

First in replying to Undefined who said they ended up in the emgergency room because of stress. I actually ended up in the emergency room because of one of the Step children I deal with. I had been dealing with her attitude for too long without support from my husband that I just lost it for two days. I did not yell at anyone at all when I got upset I just totally lost it. I say that I am not a person who has panic attacks but that is one of the two panic attacks that I have ever had in my life. This time was the first time and I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me. I actually felt like I was going to die. My arms were numb and my body was in a state of shock. I can't even hardly descibe it. I actually walked around from my living room to my kitchen back to my living room for hour after hour just panicking. I did not know what to do. This was before the stressful job I have now that I still have not returned to but they still are trying to get me back there. My husband had plans with his parents that weekend and he went and got his children and I begged him not to leave me alone because I really was just going crazy at that point and I felt like I was going to die. I had heard about people having panic attacks before but had never experienced it before. Well, he left anyways and I really freaked out and called 911. What was kindof weird is I described my symptoms but they never recognized it as a panic attack. I thought maybe I was reacting to medication so I brought that up when I was there so maybe they did not even think about a panic attack. I take inderal for Migraine headaches, I have for many years.

In response to that last post.


Where you referred to my mello quote and how I said maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times.

Your response was referring to my husband and that I need to open up to him at the end of the day about my work and things that go on. The thing that might be misunderstood here is that I do open up. I talk and talk and talk about just about every aspect of my day when I get home from work. I also try to encourage him to do the same. He does know what I have been going through and he actually does not discourage me when I say I just need to get out of there and get a different job. He will encourage me. This may sound bad but I have been dealing with a lot of anger even holding down a job for the last 8 or 9 years. I had a job that lasted 7 years and then now the last couple years I have lasted about 9 months in each job. Here is probably the biggest thing I have for anger that holds me back. Some people don't understand or have sympathy for it but let me tell you it is tough. Most of what I make goes to his ex wife and kids. To you it may not sound like a big deal but try getting up every day for work and realize that someone else is benefiting from your hard labor and work. I have worked on this attitude I have about this over and over and I just cannot seem to get over it. If I did not work to help flip the bill for child support payments we would not be able to survive. I have heard all of the speaches about a fathers responsibility and how it was my choice and all of that. That has not effected how I feel a person cannot help how they feel. They can try to fight it but it's still there. I guess how it makes me feel is that I am living someone elses life. I am paying for someone elses children. I am paying to someone elses ex wife and I may never get the opportunity to have a family of my own. So I know the work stress is there but I do not feel that it is the main cause of my stress. I do know that the job I have now if I ever go back is really stressful but I have come to the point where even though I quit that job and they are trying to get me to come back I have not taken the energy to even look for another job. I have given and given for so many years now. Is there any time when I can just relax and stop paying for everyone else.

I would like to be able to change the way I see things but that would mean letting go of every thought of what I want my life to be like that I have ever had. How can a person change there entire thought process I just do not believe that it can be done.

That is really only the tip of the iceberg of the things I have had to deal with in my life.

 
Old 04-16-2004, 04:26 PM   #8
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Post Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

............................

Last edited by Gemi; 04-18-2004 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 04-17-2004, 07:56 AM   #9
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

kari7171 I know some what of the things you are going through. It is hard to say no to someone. It is hard being dumped with taking care of someone elses kids. My husband thinks that I should take his place. It is also hard when you do not get along with the kids. I orginially got along with mine. Now it has changed. She is use to gettig her way and I have put my foot down. Most of them are mad at me. To be honest I am thinking of leaving. One big problem I have is the whole family lies. I know that you knowing all of this probably does not help. But I do understand where your coming from. The conclusion I have come up with is that I am very resentful and angry because I have no say in anything. I do have a say but I have to live with the consequences. Like everyone being mad at me. I think it is a no win situation. I have yet to find a family with step kids that goes right. The step parent is always to blame and the kids are never wrong. the parents with the kids say we have to be extra nice because they don't have there parents. so the let them do what ever they want and become spoiled brats. I am sorry I got on my soap box. I wish I had some words of encouragement but at this time I am still looking for some myself. Good luck.

 
Old 04-17-2004, 04:31 PM   #10
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

It is actually somewhat comforting to speak with someone who deals with the same type of things that I do. Usually when I have posted on this subject it seems that there are Mothers out there not the Step Mothers but the actual mothers of the children that do not understand or care what it is like for the Step Mother. They usually rip me apart when I make comments like I did in this post. It is hard when you put your foot down. I have been there many times. One time I just yelled at the girls because they were fighting and then they went home and told there Mom I was mean to them. So then the youngest came over the next time and said Mom says that if you are mean to me again to tell her. I was absolutely furious about what she said. Her mom has actually came out in email to me saying that I should not discipline them or tell them what to do. Excuuuuuuuse me I don't think so. There father does not discipline them at all so they pretty much do whatever they want around here and I am supposed to sit back and let them do whatever they want. No way. I told her where she could go with that one that is for sure. One time one of them punched the other one in they eye.
Apparently I am supposed to just sit there and not do anything according to her. The oldest girl is 16 and we have never really gotten along. She was 9 when me and my husband got together and she did not like the fact that her dad was with a new partner that was not her mom. She pretty much did everything she could for many many years to try to be mean to me. I tried and tried for many years to get along with her but it just will never work out. She is almost 17 now and is going to get a job and all of that and soon she will not be coming over every other weekend. It sounds bad but I really look forward to that time. The younger one was 3 when we first got together and she has always listened to me so it is not as hard dealing with her. She also has a big heart and is friendly and cuddly so I just wait for the day when I only have to deal with her. It has been a long road and a hard one.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 03:18 PM   #11
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

An anger management class might help you properly deal with the kids. If you are mean, you need a mirror. Good luck.

 
Old 04-18-2004, 03:32 PM   #12
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Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

I am not mean that is the point of what I just posted. When they misbehave or punch eachother I have every right to yell at them. You have not read all of the posts. Just because a little 10 year old tells her mom I am mean because I yell at them only one time because of them acting up does not mean that I am mean. So what would you do if you saw your step children punch eachother? Would you just sit there and twiddle your thumbs?

 
Old 04-28-2004, 07:58 PM   #13
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loreleixo HB User
Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

First off ... I am the mom not the step-mom. I have to agree with you about disciple if it's done right. I guess when it comes to this I am lucky. I am living with my boyfriend ... going on 2 1/2 years now. He's had to discipline my son and he does it well ... at least I think so. He talks to him about things and yes he's had to yell a couple of times. My son was acting up. My ex has an out of state girlfriend. I know she has disciplined my son ... with words not physical. I haven't had a problem with it. I only have 1 child and he's 13 now ... **** the teenage years. lol Her and I have never talked about it. I will say that if he ever came to me saying she was mean or did something I would ask her what happened. I would get to the bottom of things and then deal with it from there. If I felt that she handled things "wrong" (for lack of a better word) then I would ask that she handle things differently in the future. Maybe suggest examples. The mother also needs to remember ... these are children who think looking at them crosswise is mean. She needs to find out what happened and then deal with it on her end too. I am sorry you have to deal with it like this. I can't imagine the stress that puts on you. I can understand the job stress. Have you tried talking to her about things? Find out what she deems acceptable? I don't remember if you said if you've talked to her about it. Sounds like the mother may be a little bitter about things too which passes on to children. If they came in saying my mom said if you're mean to me again to tell her ... well ... sounds like she's encouraging her children to misbehavior while with you. I may be way off the mark on it but it's a thought. My ex ... well ... that's a whole other ball game. I could tell you horror stories. He never yelled at him but he neglected him. Like feeding himself but not his 3 year old son (while I was working day shift and he worked nites). Me finding out when I got home that my lil guy ate chips or pretzels during the day. So much stuff *sigh*. I never doubted he loved his child ... I did question his priorities. I guess what I am asking is if you've talked to the mother. Maybe find some neutrel ground. She has to be willing too. She has to remember that it's the children that are important. Disciple is a part of life. As a step-mom with them in your care then you have the right to yell at them when they're punching each other. Does she realize that a punch in the face (hit in the right spot) could lead to something serious? If you didn't say anything and it did lead to something bad you would be considered negligent. Please remember you have rights too. Maybe an anger management class would be helpful. I don't know. Sounds like you need some place to let the anger out. You're bottling it all up which is coming out in panic attacks. Least that is what my doctor said about the job stress I have been experiencing. I started having another attack while on lunch today. Actually it started right before lunch after having to deal with my boss. I know now what it is and can try to work through it while it's happening. You're right ... feels like something I can't begin to describe either. I felt like I was having a heart attack and the weight on the chest and the numb arm and not being able to think straight. Regarding the child support. Can your husband go back to court and get the child support lowered based on his income? I didn't think they could include yours in the way they base how much he has to pay. Would that help lower your stress in any way? Maybe allow you to work part-time instead of full time? My g/f's husband has to pay 300 every 2 weeks which leaves them with 500 every 2 weeks and he's supporting her and their 3 children. They've thought of going to court to try to get it lowered a bit. It causes so much stress between the 2 of them and hasn't allowed them to get ahead. Always seems like they're running to catch up. I don't know if I've helped or not. You're not alone ... there are others out here too.

 
Old 04-28-2004, 08:17 PM   #14
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Minneapolis MN USA
Posts: 1,774
Kari7171 HB User
Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

You are right about the part where it seems like she is encouraging her children to misbehave when they are with me. I have emailed with her before and that is really all I am willing to do. That is when she told me I shouldn't step in to yell at or discipline them. She based it on her opinion that step mothers or fathers just should not discipline the children because she said that her new husband now she does not let him disipline the girls either. So she doesn't want her husband to discipline them and she does not want me to discipline them either. I think that teaches children that the only people they have to listen to is there biological parents. I have noticed a lack of respect for most authority figures because of this attitude. The older girl pretty much hates all authority figures. She actually will say she hates pretty much anyone that ever tries to tell her what to do. So I just do not feel I can reason with their mother her attitude about her children is just not right.

I did want to mention I got my work situation worked out for the better. I hope it lasts. I actually quit my job and told them I was going to look for a part time job somewhere else. They did not want me to leave so they offered me part time hours so I work from 8:30am to 1:30 pm each day now. It will still be 30 hours a week and we should be able to make it ok with that. As far as the child support payments go it has been hard. For about the first 2 years we had to pay $1200 a month then it got dropped down to $1000 a month for about 6 years now it is around $800 a month. The reason it was so high was he had to pay daycare and spousal support those years too. So now it is just child support. I just hope it does not ever go back up again. He is making a little more money now so I can cut back my hours a little. I think I would go crazy if it went up again and I had to go back to full time. It's so hard to face getting up in the morning when you know the money is going to someone else.

 
Old 04-29-2004, 02:45 PM   #15
Mara
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Posts: n/a
Re: I am so mad I am never consulted about my life

Twiddling thumbs sounds like an adult "time out", which may not be a bad idea for you to do. I did not witness how you handled it, but your tone does say something about how you deal with confrontation. Do you agree you are angry? Are you looking to change that or just to vent? Do you feel justified when you yell? This is about your anger and how you deal with it. I don't know how often or how bad it gets, but you have said you yell all the time and are not listened to. I have read your posts but don't approve of angry outbursts for the receivers sake because itís a verbal assault. Some are that way and it happens but if you do it a lot and justify it, nothing will change for you. People that constantly yell, get angry a lot, vent at whoever is in their path, make venting more important then anything else. Were you hit as a child, a bully?

Does yelling or screaming work? If it did, you would not be posting about it. It's disruptive. You will lose respect if your gut reaction is to yell and scream at people. You will be labled a hot head, someone who canít be spoken to because they are angry and not level headed. Or maybe that is not the case at all.

Could you have gotten between them and separated them? If you are the authority, babysitter what have you, and they are left in your charge, if they don't like your caregiving methods, tell them to hire someone else or get your husband to shake a tail feather and do it himself, that you will not function that way. Go on strike. If enoughs - enough, put your foot down and make them deal with it. It's his visitation. If you are this angry, maybe you should consider separation? If things are that bad, canít be changed, miserable, horrible, and driving you mad, could you start a new life? Have you considered it? Is this man worth it?

You seem aggitated. It is difficult reaching angry people, because they believe they are justified. If thatís the case, what I say will not be heard in the way itís intended.

If you are sarcastic, what response do you expect? If you want to be taken seriously, and not get ignored, see if you are being sarcastic or hostile because if you are, you can't be that way and expect someone to take the abuse because that is what it is. If you are not mean in your own mind and have angry outbursts that can be construed as being mean, it isn't warm and fuzzy.

Might does not make right. Is a 10 year old child to be seen and not heard? I will assume they were verbally arguing BEFORE it escalated to a physical altercation. Are you old school? Could it have been addressed before it got physical? Did you passively let them argue without sitting them down and talking it out? I knew people who yelled, screamed, hit first, had a temper treated children and women like objects and second class citizens rather then human beings. Did not know how to talk, they did not have the right to a thought or feeling of their own. If you have angry outbursts, itís not the way to be. I donít care how justified you may be but anger, violence hostility will never solve problems. It creates them and makes existing problems worse.

I for one will always be a child advocate because they don't have the voice adults do. While kids can be unruly, undisciplined, challenge authority, a royal pain in the butt, they are after all kids. While, kids will be kids it's the adults job to govern & discipline. Screaming is neither. Itís venting, thatís all.

If your husband does not want you to discipline, does not give you authority over the kids while they are in your care, I would tell him to find someone else to do it because that is not how you operate. Maybe a parenting skills course could help you.

If he does not back up your methods, perhaps a sit down to find out what methods are okay. As I said, yelling is not a method itís venting. Could you both agree what specific disciplinarian actions would be appropriate? It would be unfair and not reasonable of him to expect you to be accountable for them with no measure of discipline for when they act up. If he expects that, he can hire an adult babysitting service to come in and do it. If he expects you to be a doormat, give him something else to think about for certain.

I understand you were not about to let a 10 yr. old get the best of you, your the boss. However, if you did not intervene if and when their altercation was first verbal, it may have been a missed opportunity to break it up before it got physical. Or maybe I am so far off, itís not even funny. Okay, you yelled at them once, yell at your husband a lot and hold this all in. Anyway, anger and yelling wonít ever be the answer or fix anything thatís wrong, but stick to your guns, they are for shooting.

 
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