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Old 12-22-2004, 12:50 AM   #1
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Lightbulb why do i feel this ??? is anyone out there

i start of like this somedays but then others i feel like this with anger. i dated this guy for 2 1/2 years had a baby with him. he used to be the most sweetiest guy i ever new except for communicating but i let it slide cuz love makes u do stupid things sometimes. well when i first had got preg. he started changing and he was not sweet towards me anymore, mot there as much , i guess he felt as if he could run off and do stuff like drinks and hang out with the boys cuz he knew i would run after him. then once i had my son it lasted until my son was 3 mo old. he came in one day started packing his stuff and gave me no explantion on why he was leaving us just said he couldnt handle it anymore. I couldnt take i it him right in the nose, i felt so bad that i cried and tried to comfort him but he didnt want anything to do with me , he let me help him a lil and just left and whe have never been the same since. we tired thru out the 6 mo getting back together and it never worked, i have this uncontrollable anger towards him know because he doesnt live up to being a father the way i thought father were. doesnt pay child suppport but he seem to be so worried about what im doing who i am , but i do have to give him this much he does call and check every day to find out how his son is. my family thinks he does that just to keep in touch w me. sometimes he makes me so angery that i could hiT him again or things he says to me on the phone i would drive 20 miles to do something destructive to him ( not anything bad like killing ) like taking my anger out on his car whatever. ( AND KEEP IN MIND IVE NOT EVER DID THAT BECAUSE I PUT MY SON 'S LIFE FIRST) these major anger issue has caused me to be confused about life and has caused major depression and anxiety , it hasnt so bad that sometimes it is hard for me to deal with my kid as in everyday taking care of him...... i dont know what to do im lost....... please help me and for other that may have misunderstood my comments before here is more detail and explantion please respond>>>>>>>>>>>>..

Last edited by miamore; 12-26-2004 at 12:51 AM. Reason: its not gettting no response

 
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Old 12-23-2004, 05:31 PM   #2
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Girl!!! You need to get professional help NOW. You have to put this jerk behind you, in your past!!! Focus on your children - they really need you to be good to them. Your post is scary. Believe me, I understand that kind of rage but it will just destroy you and those around you. It might be a symptom of some psychiatric disorder that can be treated. PLEASE. Get treatment.

 
Old 12-23-2004, 08:13 PM   #3
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

kerry 1 thanks for the advice u made me sound pyscho or something, yea I MIGHT NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP BUT WHAT I AM EXPERINCING IS NORMAL , U CANT TELL ME THAT IF UR BABYS DADDY WALKED OUT ON U THAT U WOULD NOT FEEL ANGER TOWARDS HIM. U KNOW I HAD A MOTHER THAT WALKED OUT ON ME AND A FATHER THAT TOOK CUSTODY OF ME BUT THOUGHT THAT DRINKING AND RACING WAS MORE IMP I JUST WANT HIM TO BE A GOOD FATHER AND WHEN I GET ANGRY At him is when he tells me that he is going to give me money for the baby and then i find out that he has drunk it away, maybe u need a lil help with being more nice to people............

 
Old 12-26-2004, 12:54 AM   #4
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

i guess i must be alone on this thread , i acnt believe that anyone does not experince the same thing , im i really that crazy to be feeling this way ????????????

 
Old 12-26-2004, 12:45 PM   #5
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Dear Miamore,
No, you are not psycho and what you are feeling is very normal. But the other poster was correct - you do need help. This is because the feelings you have are very powerful ones that you (by yourself) probably cannot change. You may say "why should I change?" when it is your ex-boyfriend that is behaving badly. The truth is, sadly, that none of us can change anyone else - we can only change ourselves. You don't have to start liking him again, or even forgiving him for his bad behaviour, but you DO have to reduce your anger towards him. Why? Because it is not hurting him - it is hurting you. You and your child are important here - not him. You need help to put the whole thing into perspective so you can live a happy life and continue to be a good and loving mother.

Find someone you trust (relative, friend, neighbour, minister, counsellor, etc.) to recommend a good service to you. I'm sure there are services in your area to help young mothers like you. Make an appointment and KEEP IT!! Remember that this is for YOU. You want to feel better and happier. In an ideal world, your ex. would come to his senses and be the sort of partner and parent you and your child deserve. But this may not happen - and being angry won't make it happen. So, for now, focus on you and your little one.

You are a lovely young woman (I can tell from your letter!) and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let one poor relationship make your life (and your baby's life) miserable. Seek help and find peace in the New Year. My thoughts and wishes are with you. Take care.

 
Old 12-26-2004, 05:10 PM   #6
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Hello, it's me again!! I agree with Baia. It is perfectly normal to be so angry at this guy. I get so angry at my bf sometimes that I feel like punching him as well (but I haven't and never would... I think!!). I think everyone feels this way at some point in their life. But your anger is not going to change anything, and is not healthy for you or your son. It may make you feel like you have your revenge temporarily, but it will be short lived and leave you feeling unsatisfied and silly. Not to mention, it wouldn't be providing your son with a very good role model. You can't change this guy. Nothing you can say or do will do it, and it is always going to be extremely frustrating for you. You have to either learn to accept it, and like mentioned, if you feel you can't do it on your own, then perhaps you need to speak to a professional as to how to best handle the situation (I don't have much experience sorry). It doesn't mean you are psycho, it just means that you need a little help dealing with the psycho's in your life!!!

It's a shame that you can't cut this guy right out of your life. It would make things easier for you. But you can't do that to your son. It must tear you apart to have to have so much contact with him, when I know that you still have feelings for him. But he was only going to make your life miserable, and he proved it again and again by hurting you and destroying your family with your son. Try from now on to only discuss things related to your son when he calls etc. Do not tell him what you've been doing, anything personal about your life etc etc, and don't show any interest in his personal life. Stick to the one subject of your son. If he makes excuses as to why he doesn't have the child support money, tell him that you are not interested in his excuses or why he can't do it, but you are disappointed because it is his son that he is hurting and not providing for, not you. If you try this method, it may make it easier for you after a while... not only to try your best to get over this guy, but it may make you less angry if you don't know all the details of what he's been doing and why he isn't being a good father and keeping his responsibilities. Remember, he's the one who made the choice to leave, so YOUR life is none of his business. Keep the contact strictly about your son, and let him know if he is crossing the line. Be firm with him and let him know where his boundaries are in your life now. That's my best advice to you... so I hope it helps!!!

Good luck, and hope you keep us updated.

PS. NOW I realise why you have such a hard time getting over this guy... cause he is CONSTANTLY in your face all the time .....
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Old 12-26-2004, 05:30 PM   #7
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

yep storm girl u exactly right, like christmas eve we went to grandpa it is something we do every year, well i asked him if he wanted to go for his son, he agreed we were fine until after we get there and he tells me he dont have a present for his son , but in return he ask me to take him to walmart store something to get the baby something i was so frustarated all the store closed in two hours u know they were busy .... well endless to say he walk up with a 20 gift that didnt come from his heart......... well he call me at 1200 in the morning to wish me a merry christmas and sits and talk to me for 2 hours, i let him i know it was my fault, lets just say my conversation did not end very happily cuz i do do ur advice before u even wrote it i told him to go find someone move on and he got all upset and said things that made me jealousy and i stopped myself and said look i cant talk to u any more .... u need to make a dec either be a father and be there for ur son and pay support or stay away.......... his comment being drunk was well one day ill see him when he can talk and me and him will BE BUDDIES. i went off i said if u thing that for one day that ur going to come in our sons life after he cant talk and understand u will understand the pain of what i am talking about then .... cuz dont think he wont q u and when he comes crying to me cuz he is so upset me and u will have words........... is comment dont worry will be buddies ill explain ............. what the crap is that sorry guys just venting

 
Old 12-26-2004, 06:06 PM   #8
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Your son doesn't need a buddy, he needs a father. Don't get jealous over this guy, it really seems to be the best thing that he walked out. He seems to be irresponsible and uncaring about anyone but himself. You don't need a partner like that... it would only make your life more miserable and frustrating. So unless it relates to your son, don't speak to him. If he calls at ridiculous hours to talk to you, tell him you are unwilling. It's like he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship with you, or being a father, but he is trying to keep you within his grasp so that no one else can have you. That is pure selfishness and he won't change. He needs to grow up. Don't let him do that to you. Don't worry about telling him to move on, do so yourself and show him that you do not need him in your life, other than to make his attempts at being a father to your son. He is holding you back way too much, making it difficult for you to go out and find the happiness you and your child deserve.

Boy, doesn't it feel like you are looking after 2 children here? Your son is only a baby, but your ex is really acting like one.
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Last edited by StormGirl; 12-26-2004 at 06:07 PM.

 
Old 12-26-2004, 10:35 PM   #9
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

its so true he is like a kid even when we were together. i always took care of him, bailed him out, trying showing him how being a better person can help, u know what it didnt work when we were together . i dont know why i still do it now. like trying to teach him to be a father, im learning its a waste of time u know............ i dont need that im learning that........ but u know what my problem is now would i be wrong to keep him from him, im not trying to do this in a mean way but heck he dont seem that much anyway, or have in part in his life that much......... i dont want him to hurt our kid but then i dont want him to tell my son one day that mommy is one that kept me from u .... to me the more im thinking about that would be a better excuze for him to use against me in the long run , but right now i dont trust him with our kid, i tell him supervised vistation only..............what u think storm girl or others

 
Old 12-26-2004, 10:50 PM   #10
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

No I wouldn't advise trying to keep him from your son. Although it makes things more difficult for you, it's not fair to do that to your son... and you're right, your son may grow up and resent you if he finds out it was you who kept him away (he may not understand your reasons). Let your ex be the father that he wants to be. Don't stop him, but you certainly can't force him to be a good father either. It's something that he has to figure out himself. You've got enough on your plate, and you have seen that trying to make the ex into a good and responsible person has not worked. He will wake up and realise this himself one day, but it could be many, many years from now. Supervised visitation is good. It lets him know that you are being responsible to let him have contact with his son, but that you don't think he is mature enough to be trusted alone. I think that you should make up a schedule or roster and get into some routine (if you haven't already). And keep it all strictly about your son. That way he can see that you are doing your best to be responsible, and are preparing to move on. This also restricts your contact and will help you to move on and deal with your anger issues. You will always have to accept that this guy is not going to be the partner/father that you would like... but that's his loss. You can't change that. But don't let him pull you down with him. Just try to do your best to make a happy life for yourself and your son, with him being involved only for the sake of your son. You don't have to be nasty or hostile with him, just calmly tell him that his behaviour is childish, immature and irresponsible, and you'd just rather not deal with him (unless it is regards to your son) until he has grown up a little and is prepared to take some responsibility - because you don't need that kind of stress in your life.

I sometimes wonder how some people can want to live their own lives with no maturity, no self respect, no idea, and never wanting to be a better person? It baffles me... I'd hate myself if I was the type of person he was, especially now that I have a child and need to be a good role model.
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Old 12-26-2004, 11:11 PM   #11
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

see ive done the roster thing prepared along time ago . u know what he told me he could everytime and made excuse . so i have just let him make his own roster u know when does seem to ask to see i= him i do make a way. but i dont trust him since the accident he had with my son drinking and driving. so therefor i then one that has to supervisor which puts a strain on me ...... with the contact u know

 
Old 12-26-2004, 11:25 PM   #12
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Yep, I understand how you must feel. He sure isn't making it easy for you is he? I'm not sure which country you are from, but is there some way that you can legally set a routine, that he has to follow? Perhaps you need to take a more legal and professional avenue to make sure he knows where the boundaries are and what he can and can't get away with. That may take some pressure off you too.

Do you mind if I ask if he has a new girlfriend? I would pity the poor thing, but I'm just curious. And did you say that you have a new boyfriend?
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Old 12-27-2004, 01:54 AM   #13
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by StormGirl
Yep, I understand how you must feel. He sure isn't making it easy for you is he? I'm not sure which country you are from, but is there some way that you can legally set a routine, that he has to follow? Perhaps you need to take a more legal and professional avenue to make sure he knows where the boundaries are and what he can and can't get away with. That may take some pressure off you too.

Do you mind if I ask if he has a new girlfriend? I would pity the poor thing, but I'm just curious. And did you say that you have a new boyfriend?
no he doesnt have a girlfirend. he says he is not ready, becuase he actually doing what i cant do which is take time to move on for myself, and know i dont have a boyfriend but yes a companion ( guy) actually im from alabama and he is the one that is from another country ( mexico). beleive if i had the money which i have to take baby steps, first by jan i will get and pay for a paternity test then i found a lawyer that says that if he will agree as in telling the truth about his work that he could do it for 850. get child support order , lawyer also told that there is no need to fight for custody or vistation right when he has known in the first place...... u know

 
Old 12-27-2004, 09:24 AM   #14
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

I'm glad that you talked to a lawyer mia. As I was reading this, my advice to you was going to be, don't speak to this guy except through your attorney.

 
Old 12-27-2004, 11:41 AM   #15
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Re: uncontrollable anger towards fathers baby need help and advice

Ok, the original post to this thread has been bothering me ever since I read it. The fact that you punched him in the nose makes me think that there may be a chance that you would do this to your son one day when you get angry with him for not doing what you want him to do. I know that you don't think that you could do such a thing right now, and you are probably right, but just to be on the safe side, I would seek professional help if I were you. I am seeking professional help right now for similar reasons and it has helped me so I do encourage you to seek help.

I have an almost 4 year old. Even though I vowed that I would never spank my daughter.....I eventually did.......more than once. (Spanking on the bottom is what I am talking about, both my husband and I decided after reading a lot about it that it was not something that we subscribed to though I know that other parents feel differently.) I fear that when your son is about 2 and a half, if you don't get this anger situation under control, then he will feel the brunt of your frustrations. I'm not saying that you would do this, just that it is better to be safe and seek help if possible, just in case. Dealing with a toddler and a preschooler can be extrememly frustrating and you would benefit from learning some tools to deal with your anger without lashing out. That is part of what I am doing in therapy because I tend to yell and scream at my daughter when she isn't doing what I want her to do. I feel so badly afterwards.

Another thing that I was thinking is that if it were a man who had written your post, everyone would be all over you, telling you off for hitting a woman in the face and taking about how you should have been arrested.

 
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