It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Anger Management Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-15-2005, 04:08 PM   #1
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
chrisinohio HB User
Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

It seems like I snap at her at times and she gets upset and starts crying. Why do I do this? I don't "mean" to do it. Today I was restless as my mom died a week ago. I wasn't happy doing anything. She wanted to take me to the movies but I didn't want to go. Then I snapped at her about some silly thing and she got upset and left in the car. I don't know what to do.

Chris

 
Old 01-15-2005, 04:28 PM   #2
Newbie
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
chrisinohio HB User
(more info) I should mention that this did not just start now. It's been happening

for as long as I've been married. I'll give you an example.

Here's what happened tonight.

I was very restless and didn't want to go to the movies with my wife. I think she felt helpless because I didn't want to do anything.

She was reading something on the computer about Dave Barry retiring and she said "oh, he's a libertarian... they scare me". I said "what don't you like about libertarians". She said I "snapped" at her. I thought I was just asking her what she didn't like about libertarians. She said I was condescending and that she shouldn't have to justify her opinion. She said my tone was "I'm smarter than you".

How can I prevent this? Am I doing something wrong?

Chris

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-19-2005, 12:26 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 198
Asperger family HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

First Im sorry your mother died...that must be a very hard thing.We need our parents no matter how old we get.I dont have either one of my parents. Im sure she understands your alittle more emotional right now.She said that you snapped at her, I find that quite silly given the topic it was over. Anyhoo, you can be snappy with the tone of voice you use, but not mean to be. Your emotions are not caused from her, but they are there because of the death of your mother. Maybe you could explain to her that your going through an emotional time and you just need someone to talk to.She is your wife, you should be able to express your emotions to her, the anxiety that you feel or talk to your doctor and let him know you have been on the edge since the passing of your mother and need alittle help.You need to redirect those emotions in a more appropriate way and be able to heal, without taking it out on the wrong people. Take care and God bless!

 
Old 01-19-2005, 02:42 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,130
hillaryb HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

Your mother just died! How nice of her to be supportive. Sarcasm, obviously. Anyway, does she do this often? You know what I mean, take a situation that involves something that has little to do with her (your mother dying-you feeling blue) and turn it around to be all about her? Because that is what she did. ugh. Hate that.

 
Old 01-20-2005, 08:34 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 754
here4support HB User
Lightbulb Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

Hello chrisinohio-

I'm very sorry about your mother. This has to be very difficult for you and your family. I hope that you find comfort in prayer and love.

Regarding your question about snapping at your wife, I think I know what you are talking about. My husband has done this to me and I know that he doesn't even realize he is doing it. Often times, I will ask him a simple question, and the question may not be of "importance" to him, he will snap with his answer, almost as if it is bothersome to him that I asked. I "call" him on his behavior and most times he will say he is sorry he didn't mean to snap, but sometimes he can take his beahavior to a cocky level. That is when I get upset, and usually reduce myself to tears.

Personally I feel that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and actions. I think that sometimes when I cry- it is to get my husband's attention or make him feel bad. Now that isn't ALL the time, but sometimes it is. My husband hates it when I leave. I haven't done that in a while. He gets very upset with me. I think as adults, leaving just isn't an answer.

I guess I'm just trying to shed some light on this situation, I really don't feel like I'm offering much advice. Just remember your wife may try to make you believe that you "make her cry" or reduce her to tears, but in all actuality she is responsible for her reactions to you being snappy. Just as I'm responsible for my emotions and everyone else in this world is responsible for theirs. Most people tend to blame others.

On the other side of this, I find myself "snapping" at my husband pretty often. I am a very high strung person (take after my father) and my husband very laid back. He doesn't get as "excited" or "angry" about things, as fast or easily as I do. I snap at alot of little things. I do recognize it, but it is very hard to change. You not only have to recognize this now, but you have to also do it in the moment...which is very hard to do.

Well I don't want to keep rambling... I hope I shedded a little light on this....for you.

 
Old 01-24-2005, 02:19 PM   #6
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 42
songer99 HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

Chris,
Just wanted to say that based on your posts, it does not seem like you are the only one with an issue here. I don't know the tone of voice you are using, and that could definitely have an effect, but the fact that your wife leaves the house is inexcusable in my opinion. People argue that getting out of the house is good because you could calm down, but IMO that is the ultimate show of cowardice and disrespect. Especially if she knows you are upset about your mom passing away!!

Also, about your "libertarian" conversation example, it sounds like she is rather quick to act defensive at that point in the conversation. Possibly she is uncomfortable with confrontation, or has a lack of self-confidence. Again, I don't know what your tone of voice was and what else you may have said.

That being said, YOU need to make sure you are not hurting your wife by insulting her or verbally abusing her. I would hope that your "snapping" at her isn't belittling or insulting her. If you are doing this, it would explain her reluctance to have a conversation with you. One thing I try to do is think about how I would feel if someone said that to me. If you would get upset, someone else would too. You should apologize to your wife when you know something you said was hurtful, or better yet, realize that your comments will hurt before you say them.

My reason for this post is NOT to say your wife is a bad person, but to relay the fact that it sounds like you both need to work on your communication. It is not only you who needs to change. If you are open to counseling, that may help.

 
Old 01-25-2005, 03:46 PM   #7
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 91
qwerty1970 HB User
Re: (more info) I should mention that this did not just start now. It's been happening

I understand what you're going through with your mother passing away. I felt the same way when my dad passed. You've known and loved someone your whole life and then within a week (3 days bereavment at my job) you're expected somehow to shove the grief under and almost pretend it didn't happen. People are quick to try to get you to do things to forget and be happy, but it just isn't possible. It's just annoying when you're trying to sort out so many feelings and confusion. On a side note if she feels that you're always snapping at her and would feel upset enough to leave in the car there's probably a more deep seated conflict going on than you might be aware of. Communication is the key and relationships need to be sorted out now and then. In a civil manner and without offense to constructive criticism.

 
Old 01-25-2005, 11:59 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: usa
Posts: 2,943
mel1977 HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

ah, the double edged sword. I will take your side and say maybe it isn't you so much as her. Is she depressed for any reason? Does she worry about stuff all the time? Is she sensitive and take things personally? If so, then she is like me. I used to cry even when hubby snapped at me if I didn't take out the trash. I would cry cause I couldn't find my drs office. I cried a lot and most when I felt like my husband snapped at me for no reason. I have since gotten on Zoloft and I only cry when it is more appropriate.,I have more control over my emotions. Now, if hubby snaps at me I snap back. BUT, we are both scorpios, three days apart in age.
On the other hand, my husband doesn't know how to control his tone sometimes-he comes off "harsh" or "mean" or "makes me feel small". He is a bit controlling at times telling me something is stupid or "rediculous" that I feel is important to me. I don't know why-at times I think it is that he does not know how to deal with his anger, other times it gets worse when he works out and testosterone levels are rising.

Do you and your wife communicate well? If we didn't, we'd be divorced. We are going on our two year wedding anniversary. We both are guilty of saying things in testy tones and b/c of our stubborn tempers we may snap. The best thing to do is find out how she feels. Tell her how you feel. Try to come to a conclusion as to what you both can do to fix this. iF need be, see a counselor. We will just to learn how to handle angers or sensitivity. Any of this make sense???? Sounds to me like it isn't YOUR fault so much as a need to tweak communication between the two of you.
Good luck to you both!

 
Old 01-26-2005, 12:03 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: usa
Posts: 2,943
mel1977 HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

OH, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I went through this with my husband three years ago when his father died after a failed bone marrow transplant. His dad was 52. My husband and I were no longer engaged at the time of his dad's death and he was in CA, I was in MO. I did fly to New Orleans to meet him to be with him for his dad's wake. I can't tell you how things changed between us b/c of this where tempers are concerned since we were not living together and were in different states (though it did bring us closer in a sad way), I can only speculate and say I bet he would snap at me a bit. He does that when he is stressed, and death stresses. I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe if the snappiness is related to this, you could just express that possibility to your wife. You don't have to be right or wrong in your own diagnosis for this issue. Best wishes to you both again.

Last edited by mel1977; 01-26-2005 at 12:04 AM.

 
Old 01-29-2005, 09:26 PM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: michigan
Posts: 264
MIpigpen HB User
Re: Why am I snapping at my wife without even realizing it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisinohio
It seems like I snap at her at times and she gets upset and starts crying. Why do I do this? I don't "mean" to do it. Today I was restless as my mom died a week ago. I wasn't happy doing anything. She wanted to take me to the movies but I didn't want to go. Then I snapped at her about some silly thing and she got upset and left in the car. I don't know what to do.

Chris
Hey, pretty fantastic to be questioning your behavior as a husband when you have just had the "unbelievable" happen. I use that one word because many times only people who lose a parent understand it's meaning. When I watched my father die of cancer, "unbelievable" should have been written on my forehead in big black marker. Maybe it is just me, but no one can 100% "know what you are going thru". Can't tell you what to do, how to feel better, or give you what you need right now. Grief is personal.

HOWEVER! You need a little slack (not saying you were wrong).Hey, she could be taking her helplessness out on you! Two weeks after I knew my Dad would be gone soon, my husband came to bed and found me reading a hardback book: "When your Dad is Dying" and I was sobbing. He said, "why are you crying? What is wrong with you?"

Keep healthy, she needs to help. Tell her. So sorry.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Please help me! I want to help my wife. sebatorress Relationship Health 16 10-01-2009 11:26 PM
Bipolar wife. PLEASE help ! BlackSea Caregivers 6 02-09-2009 02:18 AM
My story, Questions, Healing, Snapping joints... Matt Dart Lyme Disease 3 02-01-2009 09:28 PM
ankle snapping again after surgery heidi35 Foot & Ankle Problems 28 09-25-2008 09:49 PM
loving husband concerned about wife lift Depression 21 10-25-2006 03:12 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Celexa
Effexor
Lexapro
Lithium
Paxil
  Prozac
Risperdal Valium
Xanax
Zoloft




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Administrator (12), Seraph (11), rosequartz (6), ciqala (4), Phoenix (3), ladybud (2), melinasw (2), MMWMMW (2), janewhite1 (2), cutieloli (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1165), MSJayhawk (1000), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:23 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!