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Old 03-13-2005, 02:47 AM   #1
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A rambling blurb on my own aggression

I'd like to say I feel bad about how angry I get. I'd like to say, that I want to change; that I can see some kind of possibility for ressurection. That I could find healthier approaches.

But alas, I can not. For when I become angry, there are real reasons; valid reasons, and it's environmentally based, reactive anger.

But, it's not the actual anger, that's the issue. It's people's reaction to me getting angry. It's the fact, that I find that people not only don't react well, but that they encourage my anger.

So anyway, as complicated as I feel the situation is, I am trying to resolve my anger, and I'd like tips

I'm trying for a detached holistic overview of such.

First, there are three kinds of aggression that people can have:
* mental aggression
* emotional aggression
* physical aggression

Now there a lot of mentally, and emotionally aggressive people. They usually deny that they are aggressive.

Now if someone is aggressive towards me, then I'm reasonably comfortable with mental and physical aggression. They're easy to deal with; it's emotional aggression, that I find difficulty with.

There are a lot of people who basically make emotional attacks, by "collecting" their emotions, and pushing large amounts of energy at people.

This is validated by the fact that they "feel strongly about it".

Now, this often happens with anxious people. They just like pollute the air with this debris. And they can't help it. And it's not their fault. And they've always been that way. And they're not going to do anything about it. And it's because they're stressed. And it's because they've got 10 billion things that they "have to do".

They're generally pollute the air with more and more and more crap. Festering away.

Now, it's not like I'm actually against these people, even though it may sound like, and they often feel like I am. But I just don't know how to react to them.

They're so noisy, that I can't think, or feel comfortable. Or be anywhere near them.

So I keep my distance. I stay out of their way. And when they're in a rush, I don't hover in the way.

But sometimes, I tend to do lots of things that they find annoying. I make their life difficult for them, supposedly. Or I try to control them. Or I tell them what to do. Or I don't respect their feelings. Or I "attack" them.

Now, this is where it starts. If someone is anxious/panicky, then my intensity tends to rise as well. So I've got all this energy. Now with this much energy, I can't talk calmy. I have to talk directly. I can't "say things in nice ways".

Now I've realised that I'm actually "doing a lot", when I used to feel like I was just trying to find some resolution to the issue at hand.

My general attitude towards such things, is to directly talk at them, and push deeper and deeper, and deeper past all the excuses. And try to "get them to a point of discipline".

They get defensive, and I keep pushing. And they tend to either start dropping their guard a bit, after a while, after exhausting themselves, or they run off.

Now I hate them running off. But I know not to follow. I know that they feel threatened. So I don't invade on them.

But, then, when I try and confront the same things in a calm manner, it gets nowhere at all. And they do nothing. And the same things happen again and again.

Now, to me, when this kind of thing happens, I want to take action. Be it, to leave, or stay. But at the same time, they're having a strong influence on me.

And I can't just go about my own things, whilst they go about their own things. Someone starts getting all anxious in the same room as me - I've lost my thoughts. It'll take a while to get them back. I've lost lots of times. I don't know what I'm doing, and I've suffered a massive disruption.

This tends to grate on me a lot. It's not easy for me to think. But when I'm in the flow, then things are all good. Until someone disrupts me.

Now the thing is, especially if I've been busy concentrating, on something. And I'm in deep. Then I get into meditative like states. Normally, I can't think without moving, or talking, or doing things, or such.

And so when I'm busy trying to do something mentally stimulating, that involves sitting still, it's like an important thing for me. And it's easy to get discouraged from trying to do anything, especially if people are going to disrupt me.

But also, my inhibition can get really screwed with. Because, I get a huge rebound of energy, and it can be hard to keep a handle on things. And so, this is one of the times I'm most likely to get angry.

And those are the kind of people I'm most likely to get angry towards.

Now, the thing is. That if I get angry, I get really angry.

I get so angry, that people feel threatened. I can even make threats.

I've had a long term problem with violence. And I'm not sure how it first started happening - at one point in time, I tried to remember the first time I got angry. But it's really difficult trying to remember my past.

And then it fathoms on me. I'm actually a lot less aggressive than I used to be. But I'm still plagued by bouts of aggression.

And even though, my violence has decreased, I'm very intense, very direct, very opinionated, and very confident.

Now there goes another problem. I'm overconfident. I know this, and I try to set it right, by letting myself be a little bit less confident, just so that other people can be more comfortable.

There's this big link between confidence/aggression/megalomania/paranoia/omnipotence.

And I've had them all. I've been angry for weeks on end before. It's devastating. I don't like it. And I can be avoidant when such happens.

But normally, I see myself as not nearly as aggressive as other people I know.

And then it dawns on me. It's not that I'm not aggressive so much, as that I have a lot of positive tainted aggression.

I talk about aggression, and it's purely confidence.

But it's when my confidence starts to decrease..

When everything goes real dark.

When I'm stuck in a world full of hateful people.

Do unto others, what has been done to you.

Do to others, as you'd have them do to you.

See, I'm not aversed to aggression. I'm aversed to out of control aggression.

I remember, as a kid. When I was about 10, not only would I get into fights sometimes, but I had quite a paramount role.

I'm not big. I'm thin as a rake. But as long as I have a direction that I'm going in, then I'm confident, secure, and disciplined.

Not only was I not fearful, of engaging in fighting, but I was excited. But there were little issues, with minions who didn't understand.

I was independant. They just wanted drama. It was never anything big. It was always pretty controlled. If I pin someone to the ground, I wait until they give up.

And then it's over.

Okay, it was probably more like wrestling, actually.

But anyway..

I also used to get into fights a bit.

But then it gets into the other side..

Emotional + physical aggression.

That's the black mark.

I lose control.

People provoke me, on purpose. Because they want something exciting to happen. They'll just **** me off, to see me do something about it.

Now when this happens, no-one can stop. I feel my perceptions changing, sounds getting louder et cetera. And then I'm loose. Real loose. I'll be very demonstrative. And, when I was about 12 years old I'd do things like throw chairs.

People would always try to restrain me. Which isn't really the right attitude to take in such situations. But it's not exactly easy to restrain, when that kind of thing happens. I'd have no sense of consequence for my actions. But I'd also have no direction.

Like, I'd lash out at everyone, if everyone was around. At one person if one person was around et cetera.

Basically, anybody who tried to control me, I'd fight back against.

Now, I got in trouble for hitting a teacher one time. And if teachers were going to restrain me it took more than one.

And then I'd get in trouble. And I'd have to sit, waiting... Always waiting...

I just wanted to go about my own things, my own ways. I didn't like the control systems of school. I didn't like all the crap in the way.

But I'd often feel quite bad afterwards. It's not like that was meant to happen. I just had no other choice. It was just what happened.

And of course I was never taken seriously.

But also, people would try to blame things on me. And when being accused of things, then I'd look down. Which meant I must be guilty. Sometimes, some people were kind enough to mention, that's what I did. But it's like I just couldn't face up to things.

That's changed now days. I stand tall, and proud. I'm a lot more able, than I used to be.

BUT ... I still have a lot of aggression.

And a lot of it's from the past, probably.

And ever since I was about 5 or 6, I've often woken up with my heart racing thinking that someone was going to kill me.

I'd never remember dreams when such things happened. I'd be awake, and thinking that someone was going to kill me.

I'd sweat. I wet my bed until I was about 6 years old. But I'd sweat profusely sometimes, too.

 
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Old 03-13-2005, 02:48 AM   #2
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ignition HB User
Re: A rambling blurb on my own aggression

But it's like no-one ever really listened to me. Because I'd speak the truth. And no-one ever wanted to hear the truth.

I've always had a knack, for at the same time, knowing what's going to happen in the future, and being confident about the future.

I tend to sometimes point things out to people, that I think that they may be unaware of. And then, they start complaining when things don't go the way they hoped they'd go.

But I'm an optimist at the same time.

Although, apparently, as a kid I had black and white thinking. And things were either wonderful, or evil. And I would refuse anything, that was evil. And opt for anything that was wonderful.

Of course, I was told that if I thought everything was bad, then it must be my perceptions that were wrong. But I had lots of positive things!

I kind of always wanted to know that things were evil, because I was scared of forgetting. I'd blackmark foods.

At times, I've blackmarked milk, pasta, cheese, microwaves, fan heaters, and a few other things.

They all make profound differences to me. Although, I was "fussy and difficult"; and I shouldn't complain. I would complain sometimes about my diet, as a kid. And say that I needed to eat more meat. Although, my mother was opposed to eating much meat etc...

As soon as I left home, I found that I coped a lot better with life in general, if I ate well. Things got a lot easier. And I've gone through a few different changes in diet. But recently I've massively increased my protein intake. And it makes me a lot more able and consistent.

But even as a young kid I didn't like milk, or bread. Which may point to food allergies. But I had to eat them anyway! And my parents say that they weren't to blame... muh.

But anyway, this whole emotional aggression thing. Not only do I hop into rage attack mode. But I can get memory blackouts.

Forgetting completely what has happened.

It's really hard to fathom. It's hard to really get a handle on.

And if I say I don't remember, then I'm lying.

Anyway, hop forward a bit.

Start working full time -> stress -> alcohol dependence -> memory blackouts -> aggression.

Erk.. ummm.. yes... err.. that was really scary. I got really really depressive. And I burnt out pretty badly.

Then a change of scene. And I'm fine. That was a while ago. And I'm only just trying to come to terms with what I was like then.

And I was terrible. I was an *******. And I was aggressive. Okay, that's what lots of people do when drinking..

A year later...

Oh, it's all stopped, and gone away. Even with weekly binge drinking, and ..

Then I find out... what.. people.. being scared of *me*. Oh yeah, I was pretty damn erratic when drinking even if I wasn't aggressive. But I actually appear a lot less in control than I really am.

Fast forward another year. Get addicted to marijuana. Oh, hey, ... I find out now, that I was locking myself in my room because I wanted to kill my flatmate. Oh, umm.. err.. I'm not sure what was happening there. She was crazy, and lying, and stealing, and ****.. .umm... err.. but threatening? What? Umm... oh yeah, I actually try to avoid people when I feel inappropriately aggressive, because I know I can be impulsive.

But hey, she left the house. What, that probably wasn't necessary. (this is all in retrospect)

It was difficult confronting her about things. She'd always deny them et cetera. And she was on anti-depressants, with manic-like reactions. And I could always tell how okay she was.

Umm... then I'm like.. err, sometimes when she's on anti-depressants I can't be around her.

And then I'm like, hey ****, she reacts really strangely to me. And I've got compulsions to try to encourage her to deal with things, that she's trying to escape from. Unpaid bills, et cetera. And she seems to listen, but at the same time, turn real passive aggressive.

There was lots of behind the back type things. And I tried to turn things directly on. And we argued quite a lot, but only for short periods of time. And I thought that it helped us get along.

But she was holding onto things more than me. And I was "avoiding her", when I wasn't paying much attention to her. Hey, that's what I'm like with everyone though.

But worse than that, I often say disparaging things to people first, to turn things sour, so that I can not pay attention to them, until I'm ready to resolve things.

Then fast forward a couple more years.

And I don't know how often I've been aggressive. But there's a few random instances.

I relate with aggression, to being closed in physically. I relate with aggression, to dormant anger in people. I tell people that they're angry, when they're in denial.

But I can also be pretty intimidating. I also tend to be all or nothing. And I never back down. I always have the last word.

I can outlast people in arguements. And I don't even try making sense. I screw with logic. And I stick to things, even if they're going nowhere. Until things can calm down, and be discussed rationally.

But also, then I look, and I see. That I also hit people, because they're ******* me off.

I get intrusive thoughts in my mind, that encourage me to hit people in different places. And sometimes I can't stop myself.

Also, people poking me, when I'm uncomfortable with such, can make me spin around and nearly hit them. Often I will push my fist just close enough, to show that I could, rather than actually doing such.

And it's when people don't take me seriously.

But then another thing strikes.

Not only can I be violent. But I can also encourage people to be violent towards me. I invite people to hit me. And then I hit them.

Recently I drank way too much alcohol. And I span out pretty bad. But there were multiple escapades of violence towards people I knew.

I was talking about violence being the way to reach the light. Or something else like that. But I was getting memory blackouts for such.

But the other thing is, that not only was I being violent, but it was towards people I knew. And I was all clear/fine afterwards.

Except one time, that I do remember. Where I hit someone in the wrong place by accident. And he dropped to the floor. And I was all apologetic/sorry.

The thing is, it seems, that it was all reaking of "that's the way things are meant to be".

But even with my violence, I've kept most relationships up well with people who I've been violent towards. And I know it's uncalled for.

But it's kind of strange. It's like people seem to be suprisingly fine with it. Or not know what to do.

But I find it confusing, because it happens so often in memory blackouts. And it's hard to apologise. It's hard to know what to do afterwards.

It's not like I intend to do such things. It just doesn't seem to suprise me.

There's this whole curiosity thing going on. I want to know exactly how things have gone, so that I can try to figure out what's triggering them, what my motivations were et cetera.

And my current theory is that I have to work off the motivations.

Now, there's something else in here too....

Sometimes I wake up really angry, or get really angry when just walking down the street, or showering or such. It hasn't happened in a while. But it's kind of disturbing, to suddenly get angry.

And it's like I know when such things are closer, or further away. Because when they're closer, I wake up feeling angry, and it takes me 5 or 10 minutes to recover, on onset.

And then I feel like I'm far enough away.

But when it starts coming up all the time, it's really exhausting.

But also there's this whole passive anger thing where I start talking about angry things. Like I'll start talking about "how it'd be fun to kill everyone", or some other thing...

It's always this kind of unserious, strange thing that I just end up starting to say...

But it can get off on bad starts.



Oh well, I said lots of stuff.. And I think it's pretty far away at the moment. So hopefully, somehow I get a hold on it. I probably missed out lots of things.

Oh yeah, for instance. If someone starts posing with fighting type moves, and ****. Then I'm more likely to confront them. And play up their crap, by just being more confident, and stable than them.

Which is kind of funny, really. It's like I don't have fear when I fight.

Actually, I've forgotten how it feels to be fearful. I kind of want to be fearful again. Because I kind of like it.

Oh, and I can actually be pretty unstable, in pretty stable ways? Alcohol's the only real way to become really unstable. And as soon as I start drinking too much, I automatically cu tdown.

I've kind of wondered if I've got chronic ptsd type symptoms before too.

Oh yaeh, and one other thing. Sometimes when I wake up angry, I want to kill my father...

And so I'm wondering why I want to kill my father.

But I don't like trying to think about such things, because I do actually get quite wound up and destablised by trying to follow such things.

Sometimes I do for a while. When I've got a reasonable safety zone.

And I meditate, sometimes.

And I'm usually aware, and in control of all of my actions.

Oh yeah, that's the other problem... I'm still scared of losing control. And I tend to keep things at managable levels. And avoid overstressing et cetera.

Whereas I used to be addicted to stress.

umm blabbering..

bye

 
Old 07-31-2005, 04:43 PM   #3
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Re: A rambling blurb on my own aggression

I would like to see an update.

Last edited by myatannon; 11-05-2007 at 05:10 PM. Reason: update

 
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