I'd like to say I feel bad about how angry I get. I'd like to say, that I want to change; that I can see some kind of possibility for ressurection. That I could find healthier approaches.
But alas, I can not. For when I become angry, there are real reasons; valid reasons, and it's environmentally based, reactive anger.
But, it's not the actual anger, that's the issue. It's people's reaction to me getting angry. It's the fact, that I find that people not only don't react well, but that they encourage my anger.
So anyway, as complicated as I feel the situation is, I am trying to resolve my anger, and I'd like tips
I'm trying for a detached holistic overview of such.
First, there are three kinds of aggression that people can have:
* mental aggression
* emotional aggression
* physical aggression
Now there a lot of mentally, and emotionally aggressive people. They usually deny that they are aggressive.
Now if someone is aggressive towards me, then I'm reasonably comfortable with mental and physical aggression. They're easy to deal with; it's emotional aggression, that I find difficulty with.
There are a lot of people who basically make emotional attacks, by "collecting" their emotions, and pushing large amounts of energy at people.
This is validated by the fact that they "feel strongly about it".
Now, this often happens with anxious people. They just like pollute the air with this debris. And they can't help it. And it's not their fault. And they've always been that way. And they're not going to do anything about it. And it's because they're stressed. And it's because they've got 10 billion things that they "have to do".
They're generally pollute the air with more and more and more crap. Festering away.
Now, it's not like I'm actually against these people, even though it may sound like, and they often feel like I am. But I just don't know how to react to them.
They're so noisy, that I can't think, or feel comfortable. Or be anywhere near them.
So I keep my distance. I stay out of their way. And when they're in a rush, I don't hover in the way.
But sometimes, I tend to do lots of things that they find annoying. I make their life difficult for them, supposedly. Or I try to control them. Or I tell them what to do. Or I don't respect their feelings. Or I "attack" them.
Now, this is where it starts. If someone is anxious/panicky, then my intensity tends to rise as well. So I've got all this energy. Now with this much energy, I can't talk calmy. I have to talk directly. I can't "say things in nice ways".
Now I've realised that I'm actually "doing a lot", when I used to feel like I was just trying to find some resolution to the issue at hand.
My general attitude towards such things, is to directly talk at them, and push deeper and deeper, and deeper past all the excuses. And try to "get them to a point of discipline".
They get defensive, and I keep pushing. And they tend to either start dropping their guard a bit, after a while, after exhausting themselves, or they run off.
Now I hate them running off. But I know not to follow. I know that they feel threatened. So I don't invade on them.
But, then, when I try and confront the same things in a calm manner, it gets nowhere at all. And they do nothing. And the same things happen again and again.
Now, to me, when this kind of thing happens, I want to take action. Be it, to leave, or stay. But at the same time, they're having a strong influence on me.
And I can't just go about my own things, whilst they go about their own things. Someone starts getting all anxious in the same room as me - I've lost my thoughts. It'll take a while to get them back. I've lost lots of times. I don't know what I'm doing, and I've suffered a massive disruption.
This tends to grate on me a lot. It's not easy for me to think. But when I'm in the flow, then things are all good. Until someone disrupts me.
Now the thing is, especially if I've been busy concentrating, on something. And I'm in deep. Then I get into meditative like states. Normally, I can't think without moving, or talking, or doing things, or such.
And so when I'm busy trying to do something mentally stimulating, that involves sitting still, it's like an important thing for me. And it's easy to get discouraged from trying to do anything, especially if people are going to disrupt me.
But also, my inhibition can get really screwed with. Because, I get a huge rebound of energy, and it can be hard to keep a handle on things. And so, this is one of the times I'm most likely to get angry.
And those are the kind of people I'm most likely to get angry towards.
Now, the thing is. That if I get angry, I get really angry.
I get so angry, that people feel threatened. I can even make threats.
I've had a long term problem with violence. And I'm not sure how it first started happening - at one point in time, I tried to remember the first time I got angry. But it's really difficult trying to remember my past.
And then it fathoms on me. I'm actually a lot less aggressive than I used to be. But I'm still plagued by bouts of aggression.
And even though, my violence has decreased, I'm very intense, very direct, very opinionated, and very confident.
Now there goes another problem. I'm overconfident. I know this, and I try to set it right, by letting myself be a little bit less confident, just so that other people can be more comfortable.
There's this big link between confidence/aggression/megalomania/paranoia/omnipotence.
And I've had them all. I've been angry for weeks on end before. It's devastating. I don't like it. And I can be avoidant when such happens.
But normally, I see myself as not nearly as aggressive as other people I know.
And then it dawns on me. It's not that I'm not aggressive so much, as that I have a lot of positive tainted aggression.
I talk about aggression, and it's purely confidence.
But it's when my confidence starts to decrease..
When everything goes real dark.
When I'm stuck in a world full of hateful people.
Do unto others, what has been done to you.
Do to others, as you'd have them do to you.
See, I'm not aversed to aggression. I'm aversed to out of control aggression.
I remember, as a kid. When I was about 10, not only would I get into fights sometimes, but I had quite a paramount role.
I'm not big. I'm thin as a rake. But as long as I have a direction that I'm going in, then I'm confident, secure, and disciplined.
Not only was I not fearful, of engaging in fighting, but I was excited. But there were little issues, with minions who didn't understand.
I was independant. They just wanted drama. It was never anything big. It was always pretty controlled. If I pin someone to the ground, I wait until they give up.
And then it's over.
Okay, it was probably more like wrestling, actually.
I also used to get into fights a bit.
But then it gets into the other side..
Emotional + physical aggression.
That's the black mark.
I lose control.
People provoke me, on purpose. Because they want something exciting to happen. They'll just **** me off, to see me do something about it.
Now when this happens, no-one can stop. I feel my perceptions changing, sounds getting louder et cetera. And then I'm loose. Real loose. I'll be very demonstrative. And, when I was about 12 years old I'd do things like throw chairs.
People would always try to restrain me. Which isn't really the right attitude to take in such situations. But it's not exactly easy to restrain, when that kind of thing happens. I'd have no sense of consequence for my actions. But I'd also have no direction.
Like, I'd lash out at everyone, if everyone was around. At one person if one person was around et cetera.
Basically, anybody who tried to control me, I'd fight back against.
Now, I got in trouble for hitting a teacher one time. And if teachers were going to restrain me it took more than one.
And then I'd get in trouble. And I'd have to sit, waiting... Always waiting...
I just wanted to go about my own things, my own ways. I didn't like the control systems of school. I didn't like all the crap in the way.
But I'd often feel quite bad afterwards. It's not like that was meant to happen. I just had no other choice. It was just what happened.
And of course I was never taken seriously.
But also, people would try to blame things on me. And when being accused of things, then I'd look down. Which meant I must be guilty. Sometimes, some people were kind enough to mention, that's what I did. But it's like I just couldn't face up to things.
That's changed now days. I stand tall, and proud. I'm a lot more able, than I used to be.
BUT ... I still have a lot of aggression.
And a lot of it's from the past, probably.
And ever since I was about 5 or 6, I've often woken up with my heart racing thinking that someone was going to kill me.
I'd never remember dreams when such things happened. I'd be awake, and thinking that someone was going to kill me.
I'd sweat. I wet my bed until I was about 6 years old. But I'd sweat profusely sometimes, too.