chiron

"Normal girls goes insanely angry" is not a personality type, or a genetic inheritance involving family background. The challenge of your circumstance involves a redemptive process of self-recongition, and self-education, and self-development.

On occassion I have thought of driving and nervousness as anger or personality management. I have also had family experiences while growing up relative to depression, suicidal behavior, and suicide.

I spent a large part of my childhood and youth assuming the responsibilites of an adult and taking care of the parental dependency needs of others my senior.

Somewhat like you I occassionally experience the psychological "trauma" of having to get up and drive somewhere to meet someone if it is against my will and wanting to do so.

After decades of research I finally recognized the depressive family patterns of behavior as related to alcoholism, narcissism, and entitlement deprivation.

Usually the first forty-five miles-minutes are the worst part of the agonizing journey of having to make ends meet at a specific time on behalf of another's welfare. I personally resent the obligation to take care of the needs of another as a child-adult.

Usually, I am avoidance oriented, not caring to clean up the messes made by another. Sometimes I express my feelings, and sometimes not. Sometimes I feel as if I am off-center, complaining about being taken advantage of by another.

How I react depends on how I feel emotionally and physically at the moment, with some reservation. There is a recurring petulance in the nature of the abusiveness, as it is usually a game of manipulation.

The expectations or demands placed upon me by others often manifest internally as anger when the expectations others have of me regards my selfishness, not theirs.

Everything about how I feel manifests itself as a desire to eliminate the cause of my distress in a physical or psychological way, as a fight or flight response. At times there is a sense of utter dispair, as I seek to eliminate the problem and find a balance in my life priorities, not theirs.

Psychologically speaking I find myself fighting an unseen enemy, if not an unknown or unreconized cause of relationship and association.

When I feel this way I think about the virtues of learning patience with myself and others, while at the same time finding a realistic solution to the problem at hand. And I read about such matters.

A decade ago I read two books that were written by Stanislav Grof, M.D., concerning birth experiences and birth traumas in terms of head and body constrictions. I mention these books with respect to your phobia of being choked.

"Beyond The Brain" and "The Adventure of Self-Discovery" are theoretically about the compression of the head and body during the delivery process, and the resulting personality manifestations as lasting psychic process.

According to Grof we carry these unknown and unrecongized birth compressions as life constrictions around with us as part of our personality constructions, and we express them in ways we are not really aware of.

Grof gives many examples of psychic manifestations expressed by a variety of individuals as they have worked out their relative problems, using art as the means of illustration.

You might find Grof's perspective a good place to start in identifying and consciously re-solving your personal concerns. I would also recommend reading a few introductory books on the nature of depression, and the nature of alcholism to see if the family patterns of behavior you are dealing with are pertinent to your concerns. A great book to start with would be "Self-Analysis" by Karen Horney, M.D.

It is my hope that this greatly condensed posting is of some worth and value to you in your search for information and sharing.