HELP!!! - Anger Management Message Board

09-07-2003, 11:37 PM

I need some advice please! My husband is having a very hard time controlling his anger lately. He has always had an anger problem, as does most of his family. This was only made worse by losing his sister (36) to cancer in June. We have also gotten guardianshio of her two sons (13 & 10), along with his 15 year old son.

In the past, I have ignored this problem like a coward, told him what I am hearing and seeing, how bad it is for his health, how hard it is on me ( w/ my fibro & neck and back probs), and have stated I would leave it got any worse. Well, you guessed it - it had hit the bottom (for me). He is angry all the time. At me, the kids, co-workers, family, friends, himself, his sister (because she is gone), etc. He goes out every night, cannot stand to be at home, tries to argue with me all the time, yells at me and the kids (so hard his voice will go out for a moment) and keeps telling me and the children he can't handle it.

A couple of people very close to me have said I need to get out of this situation. That I will not be able to help him get any better(because he doesn't want to). I love him and do not want to end our marriage and lose the boys. I made a promise to his sister too.

Any ideas? Anything would be helpful at this point!

Thanks for reading,

Karmon

turtleeni2 · 09-11-2003, 11:56 PM

Sorry you are going through all that negativity

Reminds me of my Dad hehe.
Anyways, he is still like that, to my knowledge. I had to get out of there. Even though he was never really physically abusive, all the yelling and screaming and half the time it was someone else he would be angry with, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was in the middle of a long-distance relationship and decided to get out for my sanity (and because I was in love too

)
He also is an alcoholic. Tries to quit, and sometimes even when not drinking he can take on the drunken alcoholic personality and just be plain mean for no reason at all. I am always telling him and my Mom they need help and that I know they cannot do it on their own because I have gone through this crap my whole life growing up

I swear I don't know how my Mom puts up with it!
Is your husband a drinker too? Or is he just normally that way?
I think he needs counseling. Maybe you both can go. Maybe the kids would benefit also. Bottled up feelings are just plain bad and can have very hurtful casualties. He needs to relax because it is not healthy for any of you.
I wish you all the best and please keep me posted*hugs*

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 10-10-2003).]

perseverer · 09-12-2003, 01:18 AM

Hi karmon,

You and your children are being emotionally abused. It can be just as bad as physical abuse. There are answers, that's positive. But, it will require change on his part. It's never okay or justified to lose control, never. If he continues in this direction, he'll have high blood pressure and possibly other physical health problems. This guy doesn't know how to deal with stress. He can learn. But it will require change on his part. If he doesn't want to change he can consider what this decision will cost him: you, his kids, perhaps his job, friends.

There are books. Have him, not you, go to Amazon.com and type in anger or anger management and he'll see plenty from which to choose. There is help, but you have to want it. My main problem was depression, but I have always had some anger, though not anything like your husband. A Cogntive Behavioral Therapy program brought me out of depression and has given me control of my anger as well. Losing control makes one look like a child, irresponsible. That's the way children respond. One suggestion I have is waiting at least 24 hours before responding to anything that makes you angry. Sounds like he likes to blame others for his own problems also. The program I went through can help him with this and with his anger. A lot of it is geared toward anxiety and depression, but the other parts are there also. Sounds like he has high expectations of others. The program can help him with this.

Bottom line, there is help. He can change and become someone who can control his moods. He has to want to. There's no excuse for him not to accept responsibility for his behavior and try to change. He just doesn't want to.

------------------
Never give up. Never, never, never.

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 10-10-2003).]

09-13-2003, 06:28 PM

Thank you for you feedback, Preserver. That makes his outlook brighter already. Letting him know will at least give him an option or two. I believe he is smart enough to know he has a problem. He just doesn't want to admit it.

Again I appreciate the response. Hope life finds you well.

Karmon