robband debbie

First I would like to say that I also think you have borderline personality disorder. I have been in counseling for 16 of my 24 years and I just recently found out about this disorder, I had been mistakenly diagnosed with bipolar. I would like you to know that this is the second time I am typing all of this since my computer lost my first submission, so I want you to know how important this is. First thing is that you are getting angry at all of the things people are posting b/c it is true, and you don't want to believe those things about yourself. Second, bpd is responsible for many actions including but not limited too agression, implusive spending, depression, inability to hold a job, and many other things. There are several wonderful books on this disorder. I feel the first thing you need to do is check your health insurance benefits. If you have insurance most plans cover therapy and inpatient hospitilization. If you don't have insurance check into and charity hospitals in your area most of the time they have a waiting list so get on it, and also most states have a program that includes free counseling and medication. I have personally checked myself into a hospital 3 times. I will tell you from expierience that the first few days will not be pleasant, but the next few days will be like a rebirth, especially since you really haven't been in long term therapy before. Most people with bpd don't feel sympathy for others, which inhibits their want to get help. If you truely are tired of feeling the way you do about yourself for the way you live your life, you will go to a hospital. It may seem embarrasing to go to an inpatient treatment, but think about how embarrasing it will be to have your husband leave you (which he will), you are unable to get a job b/c of your condition, and you are homeless and destitue. You also say that you can't control your actions. I understand how you feel, but that doesn't give you the right to not walk away. I know how that feeling feels, you feel like you are going to explode if you hold your pain in any longer, like you gave the example of your husband not hearing you when you asked for a drink, that reaction is also bpd in your heart you felt like he ignored you on purpose, that he was not listening to you to be spiteful and you felt horrible to be treated this way, you wanted to make him feel like you do at this moment, STOP go outside and kick a tree, throw a chair or a stick outside. Get an old piece of furniture and break it, do anything but hit your husband. You can control yourself, you just have to learn how to, and the first step is to go to the hospital. There is so much else to this disorder that I think if you buy a book on bpd you will be shock about how much it sounds like you. I wonder if you have ever heard the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Please go get help, you can come up with a million exucses not to, and I can give you two million to go to the hospital. You do not have the right to abuse another human, or to blame your actions on other people, you are doing this to your husband, and you must take responsibity for your actions, you will never become a better person unless you do.
After you leave the hospital there are several exercises you can do, the first is meditating, writing in a journal, getting up and cleaning the house, you may not want to, but it will make you feel better. Find a hobby like sewing or gardening. The last thing that I would like to say is that you can qualify for disability, but you have to have been diagnosed for 2 years first, you really need to go get help and start the healing process, your husband is your support, and believe me after he is gone it will be much harder to get better alone....