Living with cranky person - Anger Management Message Board

tooanxious · 08-08-2005, 09:20 PM

I need to learn to control my anger against my grandfather who is driving me nuts. He is 83 years old and very crazy and I have to live here with him becuase I am going to college full time. He is so cranky and so mean spirited I can not put into words how much I hate him at times. He is not a sweet old man but more like a psychopath.

He wakes up at 1am with his dog barking every day. He stays up and feeds the dog food at 1Am and makes coffee its very hard to sleep thru it becuase the house isnt that large. He just sits down there in his chair from 1AM - 5AM doing nothing but drinking coffee its very weird. I also get so angry at him with his bad attitude and constant harrasment. I am planning to move out of here in over a month when I can get finaincial aid.

He has also threatened repeadetly to kick me out at anytime becuase he doesnt like my attitude. Yea I wonder why I have an attitue over someone like you, you crazy @#@#@#!!!!

Today I tried to walk away but then he told me how I could be living out my car at anytime if he decided to kick me out. How am I supposed to walk aways from a comment like that? Anyway Ive been here so long he would have to give me an eviction notice before the police could kick me out. Any help on this would be great.

tooanxious · 08-20-2005, 10:28 PM

I am not waisting my life. I am working part time and going to school full time. I also already have a bachelors degree. Ive been called many expletives from him and I have to take his constant harrasment over petty things daily. The guy needs to get his own life or at least let me live mine. You so ignorant. I wonder what you are even doing on this board besides making people who come to this board even more angry.

Also I love people like you that also jump to the conclusion that becuase he is old he automatically deserves a pass to do whatever he wants. Yes, he should be given a pass on certain things. It doesnt give him a license to be mean and abusive to people he lives with.

I was coming here to find ways to live with a cranky person who was makiing me angry. I found my solution by staying away from him all day and coming home when he is asleep. So I dont need advice anymore.

Also I will not be coming back to this forum. I dont need to get more angry coming to the anger managment board.

The Rev · 08-29-2005, 08:38 PM

Affective disorders, like depression, become more common with age. Given what you've told me, it sounds like your granddad is depressed. Check out the movie Prozac Nation if you want to see a good "face of depression" example. It's often more about anger and bitterness than it is about sadness (I should know, I suffer from the disease myself).

I know that this info does little good, if you can't get him to go to the doctor about it. However, if you understand what motivates him more clearly, you're less likely to take it personally, and, as a result, less likely to get as upset about it. (If it makes you feel any better, my dad is 68, and is depressed, and acts like an absolute *** nearly all the time. The effect he has on me exacerbates my own depression (and anger issues) sometimes, but it DOES help alot having that perspective.

Hope that helped.

The Rev

2ndtimearound · 08-30-2005, 07:08 AM

Dear Tooanxious. I know exactly what you are going through. I really do. My Nanna used to treat me terribly. I would visit her often, and stay with her for a few hours. Take her to the shops, make her something to eat, always gave her massages, buy little gifts. She loved it, even though she would say she didn't . Then when I told her that it was time to leave, she would say, "Yeah, well when you are coming back to see me? I won't be here for long. I'm sick you know".

She used to say other stuff, that I won't go into. But let's just say it was mean and cold hearted.

I still love her very much. And you probably love your Grandfather. You are just a bit too angry to feel love at the moment.

I couldn't change my Nanna, and you cannot change your grandfather. He is the way he is, and will be for the rest of his life.

You however, can choose not to respond. It's really hard. But this is your only way, and will keep you partly sane until you move out in a month or so.

Begin with the end in mind. If you say what you really want to say, how is that going to affect the situation? Look at your situation now. Would you say you could improve your end, simply by not showing your anger towards your Grandfather?

Try not to think about your Grandfather having to change, he can't and he won't, not for you, not for anyone. Just focus on yourself.

You are probably going to get upset by my next comment but here goes...it is his house right? His roof. So why is it that he can't get out of bed an have a cup of coffee when he wants to? Or feed his dog when he wants to.

I understand that it is noisy when he does this, but does he deliberately make the noise to wake you?

It is not your Grandfather's fault that the house is small, or that the walls are thin.

All I am trying to do is help you to see that your anger may be misdirected. Rather than feel angry about your Grandfather keeping you awake for instance, think about the fact that it's a real nuisance because the walls are thin, or the house is too small.

Another thing I would try to do is patch things up as best you can with your Grandfather. Better to leave in a good frame of mind with a relatively peaceful relationship with him. That may involve saying you are sorry for being so angry.

You are probably gnashing your teeth right now, but even though he is mean spirited and harassing you, you can rise above it, stay in the present, and forgive him, because he doesn't know any better.

You do know better, that's why you are upset by his behaviour.

My Nanna passed away a few years ago. I don't miss her cranky attitude and her mean nature. But there were nice times with her. I am proud that I persevered with her. I tried to do my best.

Good luck

tooanxious · 08-31-2005, 11:04 PM

2ndtimearound and the rev. you guys give great advice. You are right 2ndtimearound about not trying to change him but my attitude towards him. I actually bought an anger management book about dealing with angry people and it basically says you cant change peoples personalities so why try. You have to be in control of yourself and your emotions not trying to control what other people think or say. I know I can rise above and be an adult in this living situation. I have to watch out though becuase he will say things that will be highly irratating waiting for me to explode. Luckily I am smarter now and know not to react to those things anymore. Also I recongnize now that he is doing these things to get attention from me. It is really sick but now that I know his motivation it is much easier to deal with.

2ndtimaround. Being bitter and angry at everything is a major sign of depression. Most people think depressed people just cry but actually people are much more emotional and volitale towards other when they are depressed. I wish to god that he would take an SSRI it would help him so much. He really needs help and I would love to help him but it is such a touchy subject.

Also he needs to change his life. He doesnt leave his chair all day. He watches TV and reads magazines from 1AM till 7PM. He hasnt left the house in over three weeks becuase he doesnt have a car (my uncle uses it) which is good becuase he is too old to drive anyway. He needs to get out and get some activities. He has no friends or people his age to talk to. He wont even check the mail down the street. He hasnt showered in weeks becuase he is afraid he will slip in the shower. I would be very depressed if I lived like that too. Luckily my unlce brings him dinner and I go to the store and get food all the time. Its still not a good situation and it is taking a mental toll on him. Nobody wants to say anything becuase we feel like we will embarass him by bringing it up.

As a side note. My uncle or his son let him live with him but kicked him out of the house after his unruly behavior towards him and becuase he wouldnt control his dog.

Thanks for the advice everyone.