ok long story short i have sought help for this, and it turned into the shrink blaming my mother...
but
i get into terrible dark moods, real angry at people that may or may not have done anything to make me angry.
now i believe i have traced most of this anger back to frustrations in my life... for instance, frustrations in a romantic relationship may make me snap at my family... frustrations with my family might make me snappy at my co workers...
Isn't it always Mom being blamed for our short comings? Poor Moms.
Anyway, I've decided to keep an anger journal. Logging the time, situation and anger response in a tablet. I also put down how much sleep I got the night before and whether or not I have eaten.
I'm hoping eventually a pattern will show where my triggers are. So far I find I get angry most in my car.
I don't know if this will help but I thought I'd suggest it. We could maybe compare notes if you do decide to try it.
Good luck!!!
In my case, it WAS my mom's fault, but then she was molested and beaten by her parents, so it's understandable if I grew up a little neurotic.
I have difficulty with frustration, myself, and the hardest thing for me to learn was, when I start getting irritated, I need to just walk away. That's Uber hard for me, because when I'm frustrated, I just want to force it even more. Like if I'm playing a computer game, and I'm having trouble with the game controls or just not playing well and getting my butt kicked, I start getting irritated. I don't fight the feeling (that just makes it worse). Instead, I just turn it off, curse at the computer, and find something less frustrating to do.
It was REALLY hard to learn to do that, but it clicked eventually, and now I don't have as much trouble with frustration turning to rage.
well i haven't got a journal, but most of the time i can remember the details... it's not that i get angry instantly, it'l be a day or so of intense anger at anything less than perfect... and most the time there is a frustrating factor in my life...
ok long story short i have sought help for this, and it turned into the shrink blaming my mother...
Maybe if we knew what your mother's behavior and your reaction was, we could come up with a better reason. Ex: was your mother angry with you, as a child, when something wasn't done to her expectations? Did she insult or embrass when things weren't done to her expectations?
What kind of "fustrations" are you taking about in all your life situations?
The strange thing for me is my mother had it made. Her father adored her and so did her mother. She was looked on as the best child out of three. Somehow she grew bitter. My father was in a band so he was never around and he cheated leading to a divorce when I was one. My mother never stayed with one man long. I have four sibling and all of us have different fathers (twins). She always called me a brat from back when I can remember. She never took the time to help with homework. She hated the world. She used prejudice remarks for everyone which I can NOT stand. I have thrown her out of my house for being disrespectful.....ya know......I think that's it......I HATE to be disrespected...Rather I'm in my car driving or standing in a line at the grocery store. IF I feel disrespected I flip. I have found myself talking down to my children and as soon as I realize I fix my mistake. It's really hard because we learned what we lived. How can you program yourself to know another way of living. Why was one word so important for my mother to hate the world, I wonder why she doesn't feel respected....I wonder if someone took that from her somehow...maybe she took it from herself...Who knows. We just have to try to program something different into our brains. I found church helps me to focus on "trying" to be nicer and gives a reason behind it.
In my case, it WAS my mom's fault, but then she was molested and beaten by her parents, so it's understandable if I grew up a little neurotic.
I have difficulty with frustration, myself, and the hardest thing for me to learn was, when I start getting irritated, I need to just walk away. That's Uber hard for me, because when I'm frustrated, I just want to force it even more. Like if I'm playing a computer game, and I'm having trouble with the game controls or just not playing well and getting my butt kicked, I start getting irritated. I don't fight the feeling (that just makes it worse). Instead, I just turn it off, curse at the computer, and find something less frustrating to do.
It was REALLY hard to learn to do that, but it clicked eventually, and now I don't have as much trouble with frustration turning to rage.
The Rev
my biggest problem isn't that i'm taking the frustrations out on what's frustrating me, more that the frustration builds and i end up lashing out at something else
Maybe if we knew what your mother's behavior and your reaction was, we could come up with a better reason. Ex: was your mother angry with you, as a child, when something wasn't done to her expectations? Did she insult or embrass when things weren't done to her expectations?
What kind of "fustrations" are you taking about in all your life situations?
Ok the reason i say "alegedly" is because my mother behaviour towards me wasn't any different to anyone elses i've seen, she's loved and supported me in any decisions i happen to make... she has sold personal items to help me out financially when i have been struggling to make ends meet while studying. we've had our disagreements like any other parent and child (i.e. our views on piercings or morality). i haven't lived at home for 5 years. she has worked full time as well as raising a family (dad drifted in and out with his alcoholism and infedality).
frustrations can consist of anything... lack of resources at work, bosses or workmates not pulling their weight, friends pulling out of commitments, my brother not taking any advice and wasting his life, etc.
Ok the reason i say "alegedly" is because my mother behaviour towards me wasn't any different to anyone elses i've seen, she's loved and supported me in any decisions i happen to make... she has sold personal items to help me out financially when i have been struggling to make ends meet while studying. we've had our disagreements like any other parent and child (i.e. our views on piercings or morality). i haven't lived at home for 5 years. she has worked full time as well as raising a family (dad drifted in and out with his alcoholism and infedality).
frustrations can consist of anything... lack of resources at work, bosses or workmates not pulling their weight, friends pulling out of commitments, my brother not taking any advice and wasting his life, etc.
Did your therapist say anything about your father abandoning the family? Maybe your mom's letting him back in and putting up with alcholism/infidelity is something you have to look at. Did you respect your mother for that?
The frustration's all have to do with things you have no control over. Unfortunately, lazy co-workers are everywhere. I used to get very angry at that. Then I realized that people have different work ethics, some have none at all. But it was nothing I could control. So I just do my work and don't think about the others. Lack of resources..if you can't finish a job because of them, so be it.Friends pulling out of commitments..you have some control over this. If it's the same friends all the time, they're rude. I'd suggest not making plans with them..don't set yourself up for disappointment. Your brother not taking advise...if he chooses to waste his life, you can't do anything about it. Again, I realize you care but stop giving the advise. If he asks, just say something(nicely) like...I don't know. What do you think? Let him make his own decisions. There's an old saying.."When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". When he's ready for change, he will seek help. Hope I helped a little....
my father never really left... he'd dissapear for a week or so on a bender and come back. i understood that he wasn't kicked out because that would have put alot of fnancial strain on the family, i understand her reasoning and was thankful that he wasnt kicked out because the times he was there he was a good father... the shrink said nothing about any of that. at all.
Fathers sure get off the hook easy, don't they? is your shrink by any chance male? If not, has she ever raised kids? I'd bet my booty if Freud had been female and especially if he had been a MOTHER modern psychiatry -- including your therapy, dear mada! -- would be entirely different and maybe more realistic!
When you said "the times he was there he was a good father... " "The times he was there"??? Wish you wouldn't even put "good father" in the same sentence with someone like that...to me, being a good father means being consistent, reliable, not just dropping by to recover from a bender! I know there's plenty of blame to go around in all families, but maybe that self-absorbed noodlehead ought to be getting more "credit" from you for the pain you are struggling to getting past...
Also, most important -- HOW IS YOUR PRESENT LIFE? (apart from feelings about the past)? Are your job/school and personal relationships rewarding? Hopefully you are not too stuck to even HAVE personal relationships outside the family?? Are you proud of how you live? I spent many years stuck in the past and could only move on once I figured out how to qualify for a well-paying job where I do get respect and I also moved to end a destructive marriage...I am so very glad I did. It's like a different world...
please be real honest with yourself about your PRESENT LIFE and what you need to do to fix it!!! In my experience, a bad past cannot lose its stranglehold on you UNTIL you build a happier "now"! may mean big steps -- like going out and getting better job skills, and/or learning how to get along better with people (as you are doing with this post -- which I think is a wonderful step on your part) and looking for new places and activities where you can find healthier and happier relationships...
What I would give you in a bottle if I could -- COURAGE! And keep reminding yourself, your life will become SO much better when you take the steps you need to!
yes my father wasn't a good father, i admit that... what i meant was that i feel it was better that he was around at all, because when he was there, i did learn alot of valuable skills from him, and we had some fun together, he introduced me to surfing and the ocean, which has been the basis of my career... as a father he sucked, his role was more of a big brother or uncle i guess.... by no means am i letting him off the hook that easily, so not to worry...
yes the therapist was a guy, and a real slimy guy. ireally didn't hold much respect for him after a session or two, but i stuck at it for a few more sessions to see what he had to say...again, i left feeling unforfilled and thankful that i didn't have to pay for the service (special deal for students at the time)
my life at the moment.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm honesty you want? bit long winded because i feel that some of my past needs to be explained to explain how i am sitting at this point
i got out of home as soon as i got my independance (at 18). i grew up fast in my teens, taking on partial responsibility for my little bro i.e. i was the one that picked him up from school, helped him with his homework, taught him things like the "facts of life" and how to shave etc. i was there when it all went badly (i.e. when he had fallings out with his friends, when he was bullied etc). mum was there too, but he turned to me most the time. the alcoholism and infrequent paychecks from dad made living tight. i worked part time after school and most the money i earnt went into helping with the bills.
when i left home i went to do the university course of my dreams (marine biology). it was in university that i actually started to learn how to interact socially, i had few friends in high school. university life taught me alot. i also felt like i had my teenage years then instead of as a teen. i.e. partying, less responsibility. money was tight, often i had to tutor my peers (people think i'm smart ) in exchange for meals. or trade clothing, or work on friends cars for favors or food. but i had a ball... also formed my first romantic relationship, which lasted three years. that was also what began to highlight my anger problems, as before that if i got angry, no one but me suffered. with her, if i got angry, she'd have to put up with me being sulky, or would feel like she had to tread softly to not make me get angry. i hated doing that to her.
anyway, after passing my degree, i've moved STATE to do a PhD, (got a good scholarship offer)
my world fell apart with the move... most my uni friends finished a year or so before me (they were older and started earlier than me), but i had just made a new group of friends, so leaving them, my bro and my girlfriend behind was a tuff decision... except the girlfriend was supposed to come join me in 6 months time the state i moved to had the course she wanted to do, but she had to finish up loose ends before she could move, which was one of the reasons that i decided to move states. so that relationship ended when she cheated on me (couldn't wait the 6 months aparently, even though we saw each other once a fortnight).
so i was in a new state without friends, with a recently failed relationship. i'm still not that outgoing, so i thought it was all over.
well in the last 4 months, my scholarship has made me financially secure... i no longer fear bills... i have money to put into my hobbies, i work on my car because i want to now, not because i have to (theraputic for me). i've made a heap of really good friends really quickly, mainly through 4 wheel driving, and surfing and their all positive friends... the type that will turn up when your in a bad spot and help you out regardless... most my collegues are great guys too, we have plenty of social things going on. i've taken back up surfing (it kind of went by the wayside when i started up my relationship with my ex). my workload built up when i was going through the breakup. but i'm slowly getting back on track. it still overwhelms me a little bit. i've started (very slowly) a relationship with a wonderful girl, someone that i would have never thought would be interested in me. things are going slowly because we both are a little nervous about being hurt again, but she is honest (which sometimes i struggle to comprehend, as i'm used to being lied to alot), and neither of us hold back what we're thinking. so far that's worked for us, and i actually trust her (big big step for me, i only have trusted my brother before).
so my life is far from perfect. i still occasionally miss my 1st ex and my old friends, and definately wish my bro would get out and see some of the things in life that i've seen. he's my major weakness, and the only reason i feel guilty for having "escaped" from the life i was born into. i have alot to be proud of, how far i've come, i'm the first person in my family to get a tertiary degree, had nothing handed to me on a plate, and still i'm here, progressing in my dream career, my car i rebuilt with my bare hands, and it still runs . but don't spend much time looking back at that stuff, always looking towards the future... i'm living comfortably, and having fun. my life is 100% better than i ever imagined it could be, in all honesty, it's not perfect but it's good.
Well, mada, sounds like you are doing very well in many ways. It is a much more positive picture than I had imagined from the beginning of the thread. I am happy and I must say impressed that you have built a basically positive life, it sounds like, and a great foundation (such as completing your advanced studies and succeeding in your job, starting a slow relationship with a nice girl, building good friendships) for an even better future.
So what do you mean, "get dark"? What specifically do you do when you get angry? Are you referring to problematic behavior that you want to control better? Maybe I'm being dense, but I'm not clear if you're saying you DO things when you're angry that cause you problems or exactly what the problem is.
By the way, I have to say I really enjoyed your post in that other thread about nice guys whose behavior is really NOT so nice but a way of dumping all kinds of stuff on the female and then when they get rejected, blaming women and calling them names, complaining about them, etc. Lot of truth there, a bit harshly phrased at times but truly very insightful and I must say quite memorably funny...
Don't know if that has anything to do with your anger dilemma? Maybe you want to be a nicer guy but can't figure out how? I don't even know what I mean, feel free to ignore that
Thanks for the kind words. the post about nice guys isn't mine, i borrowed it from someone else. it's not the problem i am having here, i was once one of those "nice" guys. but not anymore, i'm just me, live my life as i see fit, and treat anyone, male or female with the respect they deserve.
Anyway.
"get dark". basically i'll wake up in the morning, and i KNOW i won't be in a good mood (this is usually a day or three after an event that caused me frustration). i'm usually a pretty easy going accomodating guy... things don't rile me easily. but on these "dark" days, the smallest thing may set me off.
E.g. a discussion about money, probably due to some unforseen expense, like a car break down, results in a lecture from either parent about the importance of saving (now i'm getting equally frustrated by being "talked down to", at myself because i know i could have saved, and also at the car/ whatever that is causing the grief). now i deal fine with this issue, get the car fixed, and vow to save better in the future...
two days later i'll wake up and be in a bad mood. now i'll talk to my brother, or girlfriend or whatever, and they may make a remark completely unrelated to the money issue (my bro might tell me about a trip that i should do, or i might disagree with someone's opinion). normally that wouldn't be an issue, i can debate and walk away friends, but during these "dark" moments, i'll fly off the handle. depending on the person (usually the closer they are to me the worst i'll react) i'll either pull away from them (i.e. shut myself off) make comments to try to drive them away, say hurtful things, actually verbally abuse them (thankfully not with the current girl, but have done that with the ex) or in the case of my bro/ dad i'll lash out with violence. all these things i'll regret once i've cooled down, and i realise that my reaction (for instance a fist fight with my brother over which brand of tire is better) was a huge overreaction. i acknowlege that this behaviour is my fault, i'm not trying to pass on responsibility, just trying to work out how to isolate these outbursts.
again, some frustrating situations (break up with an ex, she and i still loved each othre, but she fell in with a different croud of friends that convinced her single was more fun) won't affect me, others will... while i can feel when a mood like that is coming, i can't predict when it will happen or if it will even happen. again, i know how i react is wrong, (but at the time it feels so right), and i don't like hurting others, and i definately don't like the impact it has on my life.
If not, has she ever raised kids? I'd bet my booty if Freud had been female and especially if he had been a MOTHER modern psychiatry -- including your therapy, dear mada! -- would be entirely different and maybe more realistic!
"The times he was there"??? Wish you wouldn't even put "good father" in the same sentence with someone like that...to me, being a good father means being consistent, reliable, not just dropping by to recover from a bender! I know there's plenty of blame to go around in all families, but maybe that self-absorbed noodlehead ought to be getting more "credit" from you for the pain you are struggling to getting past...
