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Old 07-22-2006, 12:24 AM   #1
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kirsten07 HB User
Arrow My boyfriend has trouble with anger

My boyfriend has a problem with controling his anger. He gets very angry at small things and can get irritated easily. He isnt abusive, but he gets so angry alot and it is causing problems in our relationship. I know if he could control his anger better, our relationship would be going perfect. He admits he has trouble with controling his anger but he says theres nothing he can do about it and its just the way he is and he has tried to control it but he just cant. Well i dont think he tries hard enough. Does anyone have any advice for me? I love him we've been together 8 months but this is ruining our relationship and my happiness. I want to help or get him help i just dont know how i can help or where to start. I would really appreciate some advice.

Thanks,
Kirsten

 
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Old 07-22-2006, 02:24 AM   #2
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stevie_23 HB Userstevie_23 HB User
Re: My boyfriend has trouble with anger

Hmm, this sounds like me a bit perhaps...in what way does your bf express his anger? Does he take his annoyance/irritation and blown up anger out on you? Do little things you do personally cause him to be angry or is it more outside things and you just unfortunately happen to be the person he expresses how he feels to?

Is he emotionally abusive towards you? Not physically as you've said, which is good, but any emotional mistreatment is still not good at all.

I am your bf in this scenario, as I think I do similar things to my partner, and have for years. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with negative feelings and anger and annoyance at little things combined with existing stress in my life becomes out of control anger, and I tend to blow up at my partner because basically I feel most comfortable with her and she's the closest person to me. Sadly for her.

I hate myself afterwards and feel so guilty and like I don't know myself or who I am, and I feel out of control, but see, I agree with what you said about your bf saying he can't help it but you think he could try harder. This is exactly right.

I, coming from the point of your bf in terms of anger, agree with you that he CAN try harder. It is NOT uncontrollable and he CAN help it. He is just indulging in his anger because it feels better (at that point) to get it out, no matter the result.

I personally KNOW I can control it because I have never been physically violent or abusive, I have thrown things but never at anyone or in any place where anyone might be hit, and I have damaged things, but never my partner's property because I respect it. (because I respect her, although my behaviour at these times does not show this) So obviously I AM in control even during this seemingly most out of control time.

Why I don't choose to stop it or deal with it differently or just walk away, I do not know honestly. I have thought about it enough. I think it's just plain indulgence. I am already feeling terrible to be in this pre-anger mood anyway, I'm stressed and upset or tense and then something happens that makes me feel worse and "pushes me over the edge"...but I don't HAVE to let myself go over the edge, and yet I do, because as I already feel so bad and stressed, it makes me feel relieved to blow up and get it out.

Afterwards I feel 100 times worse than before because of the pain I've caused, but I think also I have the excuse that during my angry outbursts, I feel that my partner doesn't care about me. I often say this during my angry things...I THINK I feel it but I'm not sure.

I think it's just because I am so angry that I can't feel anything much myself, so I project that coldness/emptiness/lack of love I am feeling at the time onto her, and say she doesn't care about me or love me (and this is confirmed to myself when I see she is angry and/or defensive at me...which is understandable since I'm behaving so horribly, but to me at the time it just seems like she's against me and doesn't love me) and then use that as an excuse to express the anger. I think, if she doesnt love me, then (a) my anger won't affect her or hurt her cause she doesn't care anyway, and (b) how dare she not love me? I can express (direct) my anger at her because she doesn't love me. She deserves it because she's hurt me by not loving me.

When really, it's got nothing to do with her at all. I once blew up at her for accidentally squirting soy sauce at me. A tiny drop got on my jeans and I exploded and said she did it on purpose. Then I threw a chair. (sort of. It was too heavy to throw really. I'm not very strong)

Another time she accidentally stepped on my foot and I exploded again then too...and yet I KNOW (and I knew at the time too) she didn't mean to do either of those things, and yet...why did I behave like this? Because I was already tense/not happy and then it got too much and here I had a release/excuse to express it...*shrug*

Sorry to blab on! I just wanted to see if I could shed some light on your bf's side, NOT that I am on it! I also thought you could see you're not alone in having to deal with this...and mostly, that yeah, he CAN help it. Don't ever become downtrodden and have your comfort level, spirit/soul and real personality diminished by his behaviour/anger and come to believe it's just the way he is. Cause it isn't.

Unless you actually have a total chemical inbalance, EVERYONE can control their behaviour.

 
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Old 07-22-2006, 07:45 PM   #3
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Jenetti HB User
Re: My boyfriend has trouble with anger

well said stevie

Last edited by Jenetti; 07-22-2006 at 07:53 PM.

 
Old 08-09-2006, 12:30 PM   #4
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laull HB User
Re: My boyfriend has trouble with anger

wow, that could be MY boyfriend speaking! Those are the kind of explanations i have had when his anger just turns to self-loathing and regret. And then it sounds so rational, but the behaviour doesn't ever seem to change. i also believe that that kind of behaviour CAN change - i know i've worked really hard at some aspects of my life and my behaviour that i wasn't happy with, and they've changed for the better. There are no real excuses for letting the pattern continue, instead it's a case of not rising to the challenge. Thats not to say that the challenge isn't a huge one - in my experience, anger like this stems from deep-rooted insecurities and paranoia - but not giving it a try i think is a cop-out.

But the most important thing is that YOU are making the choice to let yourself be treated in this way. Why is this? And why would HE ever change if he always gets away with it? It's difficult, but the most important step forward I've made in my relationship with an angry person is to just take a step back - don't let yourself get emotionally worked up or upset, and don't pander to it, indulge it or apologise for it. My boyfriend now doesn't seem to get quite as much satisfaction as he did before when he directs his anger towards me.

I have to say i don't really know what the answer is to this question, despite having spent three years trying to work it out! Your boyfriend may or may not change, but i suppose my advice to you is to really make sure that YOU are comfortable in the relationship as it stands. You say that it is ruining your happiness, are you sure that that's a sacrifice you want to make - it's quite a big one. But i hope it all works out, i understand the huge contradiction, of loving the happy person, but hating having to deal with the nastier side. Just remember that your happiness should be as much of a concern to him that his anger is to you.

**** luck!

 
Old 08-09-2006, 01:03 PM   #5
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fancyman73 HB User
Re: My boyfriend has trouble with anger

Hi i also have anger issues i have great support from famil;y and from the medical profesion we are trying to solve them

I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but i know im getting there

keep going it will work out

mark

 
Old 08-09-2006, 07:13 PM   #6
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SofteeatHeart HB User
Re: My boyfriend has trouble with anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by kirsten07
My boyfriend has a problem with controling his anger. He gets very angry at small things and can get irritated easily. He isnt abusive, but he gets so angry alot and it is causing problems in our relationship. I know if he could control his anger better, our relationship would be going perfect. He admits he has trouble with controling his anger but he says theres nothing he can do about it and its just the way he is and he has tried to control it but he just cant. Well i dont think he tries hard enough. Does anyone have any advice for me? I love him we've been together 8 months but this is ruining our relationship and my happiness. I want to help or get him help i just dont know how i can help or where to start. I would really appreciate some advice.

Thanks,
Kirsten
Kristen,
I grew up with a father that had a temper and we never knew what kind of a mood he would be in when he got home. He was verbally abusive, shouted and yelled when he got angry and I remember feeling apprehensive and nervous a lot of the time. Even though I knew he loved us very much, the other side of his personality made it a very unhappy home to live in most of the time. My mom would tell him how upset it made her, but nothing ever changed until he was diagnosed with cancer and was dying.
Well, guess what. I wound up marrying a man that also had a temper. (The cycle repeated itself- just like they say!!) I had no idea while we were dating that he had a temper, because he never lost his temper until after we got married. After we got married, he began yelling and using profanity when he got angry and it could be over the slightest thing. He had very little patience and would sometimes break things when he got angry. He has twice made a hole in the wall from punching his fist through a wall. He was always VERY SORRY, and I kept on making excuses in my mind for him and believing him when he said it woudn't happen again. I told him how I felt when he did that , but all the talk in the world NEVER changed our situation. I was reliving the same nightmare my mother went through. When you live with someone that has a temper, (and by the way, even if they never hit you), if they yell and scream, and/or use profanity, it is called verbal and emotional abuse!! Abuse does not discriminate, it occurs in all ethnic backrounds and to all socio-economic walks of life. It steals and robs it's victim of joy and peace. As time goes on, the abuse will get worse, as the abuser learns that he or she can get away with it. As long as you continue in the relationship while it is going on, you are enabling the situation. Since you are not married to this man, my advice is to RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!!! Do NOT think you can help him or change him. Do not continue a relationship with someone that will only cause you much pain in your life. I can guarantee you, if you stay with him, you will become more and more unhappy as time goes on. Not only that, but think about bringing children up in a home exposed to this. I can guarantee you that they will become victims of abuse as well.
My situation did not change until I was married for almost 19 years and it was only when I learned through therapy not to put up with it any more. All the words in the world did not change his actions. It was only when my actions, (leaving the house and him knowing I would leave for good) if it didn't stop, plus him going for counseling healed the situation.
BUT, what I want to emphasize to you is that IF I KNEW before I married him that he had a temper, I would have NEVER MARRIED him!! He caused so much unhappiness in my life due to his angry outbursts that it robbed me of much joy. When you live with someone with a temper, you feel like you are walking on eggshells. After a while, you realize you can never have an honest open relationship out of fear that they may get angry about something. Even though our situation has changed, his temper damaged my trust, respect and love for him. I stayed because of religious convictions about marriage, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have left. I feel like I lost 20 years of my life and I deserved better and you do too!!!!
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't ruin it by settling for someone that will never be able to make you happy. A person is on their best behavior when they are dating....... I guarantee you it will get worse. Don't make excuses for his behavior, that is called enabling. Also, don't ever think you can change someone. That is very unhealthy and you will wind up in a vicious cycle. Please look up on the internet about verbal and emotional abuse and begin reading about it. You don't deserve to be treated in an unrepectful manner EVER!!!!!!!!!!

 
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