Meand my boyfriend have been together for about 3 years now and we love each other and have alot of fun together. However i am scared of him sometimes. When we get into petty fights my boyfriend tends to get way too angry. Sometimes just slamming his fist into a wall and leaving but sometimes its worse. He has never hit me but he has covered my mouth with his hand tightly im petite only 5'0 and hes about 6'0 and twice my size. He constantly insists he doesnt hurt me but i think he underestimates his own strength. Theres times when im absolutley terrified of him. I fear he'll lash out at me and hurt me worse. Im scared to be around him when he drinks because anything i say or do will upset him to the point of physically hurting me. This isnt all the time it actually doesnt happen too often but when it does im terrified and have panic attacks afterwards. As a child i was abused and he has said that mabye its because icant listen. It makes me feel like its my fault all the time. Ive confronted him several times and he says he loves me and never would intentionally hurt me. Im afraid he blacks out because several times ill bring an occasion up and he'll really say he doesnt remember that at all. I dont wanna break up with him thats not even an option i love him way too much for that. I just hope i can get some advice.
Wow...ok, well...this is kind of bad to me, if this guy is actually saying to you that you were abused as a child because you "can't listen"...how do you feel when you hear that?? Do you even feel anything anymore? If a stranger in the street ever made such a comment to me if I'd been abused, I would be FURIOUS, let alone if my PARTNER said it to me!
I know you love him or you wouldn't put up with this treatment, but...unfortunately, I honestly don't think he loves you...or he loves you as much as he can, but that's not enough...you may not want to hear this, and I do understand...but anybody who says it's your fault you were abused as a child cannot truly love you...if they do actually believe that, it's quite shocking I think...NO behaviour, no matter how bad from children or adults, deserves abuse in any form.
I know your msg was about the anger he displays, but I think even just that comment about the abuse thing is emotional abuse on his part towards you.
Has he ever said anything else similar to this? You say he makes you feel like it's your fault all the time (for his anger)? Is this based on things he's said, or your own feelings? (it's understandable for people who have to deal with anger from significant others to blame themselves for their partner's behaviour...anything to try and explain it, and thus control it, you know? "If it's my fault then at least maybe I might have some control over it and maybe stop it somehow..." Although in this case I do think it's probably things he's said that have made you feel to blame.)
If he is blacking out as well, then that's a worry...do you ever wonder whether he just says he can't remember the incidents afterwards to avoid taking responsibility for them? Cause if he makes you feel like it's your fault, he's obviously NOT taking responsibility for his own actions/anger.
This is the first step in him ever improving. By you feeling to blame, this is actally hindering any improvement on his part. How can he ever take control of his anger if he and you allow him to think it's YOUR fault? YOU do not need to change in this scenario. Not that you're perfect, but his method of expressing this anger he feels is the problem here, not anything you're doing.
Try not to be scared of him...or at least try not to SHOW your fear...if he actually feels powerful or more in control if you become scared of his actions, then this will just feed him more...he may not even be aware of this himself. Sometimes even though these actions obviously provoke fear, the person behaving this way will actually get annoyed at the fear he's produced in the other person...it's a bit strange.
Also, he keeps saying he doesn't hurt you (physically), you say? Well...sorry, but that's not his place to say whether you're feeling physical pain or not at any given time. That's your right. And I think that ANY sort of physical restraint or aggression, regardless of whether it's an actual punch, shove, kick or hit, can be seen as physical abuse. And that certainly includes putting his hand over your mouth. He is trying to control you physically, you see?
I think he needs anger management counselling and/or counselling in general. It actually to me sounds as if HE may have been abused as a child, not just yourself. Often people who were abused as children either become abused as adults as well, or become the abusers of others as a way of always being in control.
They don't realise though, that by behaving this way to someone they're supposed to love, they're just continuing a horrible abuse cycle and they are the ones completely out of control.
Good luck, and remember, YOU aren't the one with the problem. Only HE can help himself, but if you're willing, you can be a great support and help if and when he decides to.
you state :" He constantly insists he doesnt hurt me but i think he underestimates his own strength". this tells me that he has hurt you, maybe not as in a black eye but putting his hand over your mouth IS ABUSE. you say you wont leave him because you love him, but does he love you the same as you love him? punching a hole thru a wall shows very aggressive behavior, and that can always escalate in putting his fist into you at any time. Blacking out, not good. that can always give him an excuse such as i didnt know what i was doing therefore im not to blame cause i blacked out. I feel you are in a very very dangerous relationship and i think you realize that otherwise you wouldnt be here asking for help or advice.
I suggest you ask him how he feels about counseling, for him by himself, and then for the both of you. He is in control of things himself right now, he has the power. the power of fear and intimidation over you. that is sick. why would you want to be involved with someone who doesnt care enough to try to work his problems thru with a counselor? bring the subject UP to him and see how he reacts? if he starts blaming you for things, and saying he doesnt need it, then i think you have a very clear picture of what your future holds for you. Also saying that you were abused because you didnt know how to listen, hmmm, that speaks VOLUMES hon. only problem is youre not listening to the signals being put out by him. he probably feels he can abuse you at anytime (and probably will, physically) because in his mind he justifies abusing someone simply for not listening. whats going to happen NEXT time you dont listen? is he going to get violent with you and use that as an excuse, laying the blame on YOU, because you werent listening? also being afraid of "someone you love" and "someone who loves you" is proof of a relationship that is simply not healthy. I think deep down inside you know that.
Hon, there are times we can love someone deeply, with all our heart, soul and mind, but that doesnt mean that you can necessarily live with them, or that your love for him will stop if you choose to leave.
So, tell yourself you are much stronger inside, maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Decided if this is the way you want to live for many years to come , always being afraid of the one you love. DEcide for yourself if this is a relationship you want to invest all your time and energy and feelings into it, only to perhaps to end up being battered one day. The choice is yours. the signs are there.
Hes already covered your mouth physically. He already says youre to blame for your abuse because you didnt listen. what other signs do you want? what other signs are you waiting for?, if it were me, id say get counseling or its over. but thats how i am, a bit more loving of myself and have more respect for myself than for someone who will jump on me for saying something wrong. His behind and bags would be out the door so quickly, he wouldnt have time to blink once before he hit the door. you have some serious thinking to do hon. the choice of being respected, the right of not being afraid of the one your love is yours. you wont get an easy fixit formula here for him. Its your move, what are you going to do?
I think you said what I was trying to say, but in a much more articulate way. LOL.
I was just thinking, if my partner told me I'd been abused (I haven't been abused luckily, but if I had) because of somthing *I* had done, I'd be shocked and completely aback and seriously be questioning her love for me...if she ever forcibly covered my mouth with her hand, I'd either think she was joking (because she's just SO not like that at all) or that she had gone insane. If she black outs and punched walls, I'd be very scared for her, and yeah, if you're at the stage of punching a wall, well...what's a face when you're "blacked out"? Not much difference really...and there's always some justification for these people afterwards, isn't there? Some sort of excuse.
I am more like the abuser in my relationship, as at times I am emotionally abusive, yelling, throwing things (never at her or anyone else or anyTHING else of any value to her), storming off, swearing, saying deliberately hurtful things...I get overwhelmed with negativity and stress and sadness and anger and I let it come out like that for some reason...afterwards I feel TERRIBLE...
Can I ask a question? Do you think this means I don't love my partner? I am not asking this because I myself do not know. I think I love her VERY MUCH, but I want to know what others think...cause I personally, hearing it objectively from someone I don't know, would question the love.
Thank you all for your insight. You make good points and i do understand how bad it is. Its really hard for me to leave someone that i love so much. I have very low self esteem and i just cant see leaving him would end up at all as an advantage for me. Like i said the abuse doesnt always happen id say mabye once or twice a month. I know i shoudlnt be making excuses for his behavior but outside of these outburts our relationship is fine. We go to dinner go shopping goof around and just have alot of fun together im not sure if i should throw away the best ive ever been treated my whole life just for a once in a while thing or what. I have brough up counseling to him but he doesnt take it seriously and thinks im joking all the time I guess ill just have to deal with my problems thank you so much.
Once an abuser, always an abuser. It starts out few and far betwen and good times in between. Then the threats come out about your friends, and what do you do, how mujch money did you spend, I told you this I told you that anddddd you start up al over again. I have split up from mine. I have contacted the police and have a no contact order. Get a cell phone and if he attemps to bother you call 911/ I was stupid and talked to mine because he said he wanted to reconcile matters. I however, was assulted on the street in broad daylight with ot hers watching. Get call display and done answer any phone booth calls and get call block on his lines.
It gets worse over time, believe me. dont let him romance you back. It does not work and gets even worse.
Talk to someone at Victims service or Battered women's.
I wish you well.
There's other fish in the sea, you will get better than that.
Last edited by Carolthumm; 07-27-2006 at 02:21 AM.
Hmm...I don't like the sound of this...you don't have to deal with "your own problems"...they're ONLY your problems because he MAKES them your problems. It is NOT your responsibility to handle your boyfriend's issues. It's his and his only.
You say this is the best way you've been treated your whole life...I find that sad, since you mustn't have been treated very well, however I KNOW that you can find someone who treats you great WITHOUT any of this stress and anger and fear you're experiencing now...whether that person is your current boyfriend remains to be seen.
Actually, you DO have one responsibility in this - you have to seriously make your boyfriend see you are serious about your feelings in this...if he honestly thinks you're joking well...maybe you can't blame him entirely...although anyone who thinks that his sort of behaviour to ANYONE, let alone his own girlfriend, is normal and cause for joking and not a serious matter clearly has other problems as well.
May I just say that yeah, I do understand that he treats you fine at all other times. I know how it is. I'm the same with my partner. 99% of the time we're excellent, but that never excuses the other 1% of the time when I can act terribly towards her...just because your relationship is great most of the time doesn't mean these problems don't exist then. They're always there, they're just lying dormant under the surface until the behaviour occurs again, and so the cycle repeats.
Now, I don't think he'll necessarily progress to the state that whoever posted right before this post says...but my main point now is that yes, he treats you well mostly...but the very fact that he DOES behave like this towards you AT ALL shows a MAJOR lack of respect. He may love you to the best of his ability and capacity but without respect, well...the love tends to be self-serving. You make HIM feel good and so...when it's convenient and he feels good, he treats you well because why not? It's not a privilege to be treated well by anyone, it's a RIGHT. Simple as that. Don't expect poor treatment and be GRATEFUL that most of the time he's good to you.
When he doesn't feel good and/or you're not (or can't) make him feel good, well...watch what happens. You've already seen how he behaves. And this is why it's not your responsibility. You can't control or be responsible for how HE feels. If he feels bad, you can't (and shouldn't have to) fix it.
I learnt this a while ago. You are responsible for your own feelings.
Run! Your BF sounds like a classic abuser. Do not try to change him. You need to be focusing on yourself. You need counseling so that you can heal from your child abuse and learn that you deserve better treatment and that you can have a BF whom you are not afraid of and who does not abuse you. If you stay with this guy it will only get worse. Abusers and the abused attract each other like magnets. Get counseling and heal yourself and discover that you can have a much better life. Contact a spouse abuse center first, however, so that you can leave safely. Good Luck and don't put up with any more abuse!
I think you need to redefine the word LOVE if you think that is love. He sounds like a walking time bomb and you should not be around when he explodes. No one should call any kind of abuse love. I know I lived with it too and got out.
You are at the point in this relationship that you need to choose "life" or "death". During the time he is abusive to you, it could mean you will end up in your grave premature.
Get out now while you can.
Abusers browbeat their prey so much it takes all the self esteem away making it easier for them to hang onto someone to abuse. Right now you are so browbeaten he feels safe you will stay and tolerate his abuse.
There is help out there for you, go to a battered women's shelter, they will help you.
You are worth much more than you are thinking right now. You are a wonderful person, someone who deserves much better.
gardener, it was not easy and took me a while but finally I realized it was not going to change. I think we women often make all kinds of excuses for abuse but the bottom line is there is no excuse for abuse. Real love builds a person up and makes you feel good when your together. It is not being afraid of what will happen next. I hope Kaligraphy will really think about what we have all said.