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Never thought I would be in this position..

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Old 10-20-2006, 06:14 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 19
xalkaline3x HB User
Unhappy Never thought I would be in this position..

hello everybody...

To start off I'm really scared and pretty much don't know what I should do. Here lately I have been having frequent bouts of uncontrollable rage. I thought at first it might just be PMS because it would happen around that time of the month but it's been happening more frequently. I scream and yell and here lately have been hitting my boyfriend and saying mean and hurful things to him. It's like I become a completely different person. I just get this urge to hit or kick something. It's usuallly something minor or nothing at all that will cause me to blow up. What is scaring me is the fact that I am hurting someone I love. I use to just maybe throw objects or hit a wall. I somtimes even hit myself. My boyfriend won't leave me and is sometimes scared to leave me alone because of what I might to do myself. He wants me to get help and he refuses to abandon me so I know I am lucky in that regard. Afterwards I'm exhausted and then the depression hits because I realize what I've done.

I was on 150 mgs of Effexor up until a year ago. I went on it mainly for anxiety and depression but I did have some anger issues but never like this.

I freaked out earlier today which included throwing his shoes at him and kicking him. I usually drive him to either having to grab me or to threatem to leave which just makes me cry and beg for him to stay. After all this happens and I'm left to myself, I feel depressed. I wonder why I even did all of that.

I feel like a monster because I have a wonderful boyfriend but I am taking out all my anger on him. I know what I am doing is wrong but it's like I can't control it. I never thought I would find myself abusing someone. I know I need help but I don't have any insurance which was one reason I went off the Effexor. I was dropped from my parents plan when I turned 21. I wonder if there is anyway I can get therapy. I could still contact my psychiatrist I guess. I did see her a few months ago because I was having anxiety issues again. My boyfriend says he'd help me pay if I needed to go again. I'm scared to talk to my parents, they would only make things worse.

I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice or has dealt with this?

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Old 10-20-2006, 06:22 PM   #2
Josh Mann
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Wollongong
Posts: 93
Josh Mann HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Hi xAlkaline3x,

Sound as though you might want to go back and see your psych doc.

You say that you feel low and depressed after an incident and have no-one else to spend those lonely hours with, especially when you are depressed.

You have admitted that there are some issues you need to address and you sound as though you have the support around you, being your BF.

So, see your doc and be honest with her and try not to get bogged down in all the crap!

Take Care


Old 10-20-2006, 11:57 PM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 131
Barry876 HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

xalkaline3x, the same thing happened to me.
I started getting these horrible anger attacks, even over things people would consider minor things.
The worst part, I couldn't control the anger.
It like took over me.
Here's what i can tell you.
Anger is based on obsessive thoughts.
Remember, you control what you think.
Obsessive thoughts are a habit that we make.
You have to practice to leave off of them.
Do not let them in and sit with them.

Now if you cant control them.
You need to emmerce yourself. Take yourself outdoors
Walk round the block once.
I go to the mall and go on this Massage chair.
You want to do something to get your mind off whats bothering you.
The most important thing.
When obsessive thoughts come into your mind you are NOT at the mercy of them.
Dont be held hostage by them.

Old 10-21-2006, 04:17 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Posts: 299
stevie_23 HB Userstevie_23 HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Yeah...this is me. SOO many of these posts are me. LOL. If you have a read under the anger section here, I think you'll find this too. (if you haven't already)

Firstly, don't think you're a bad person. I think (and hope) you don't.

I like how you say you feel you can't control it, or it's like you can't control it as opposed to saying "I can't control it"...because let me just say, you CAN control it, you're just choosing not to. This is most likely the biggest, most hypocritical thing coming from me, as I also still have these outburts, but hardly ever anymore, thank god. But I feel I can't control them either, but at the same time I know I can.

Even as I am in the midst of one, at the back of my mind I'm thinking, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? But I "can't" stop...*sigh* I really just choose to keep it going on...usually it's my partner crying that snaps me out of it a bit...but sometimes not even that...or me just becoming exhausted and the time elapsing so I've had adequate time and space to literally get tired of is SO draining, emotionally and physically, as you know.

So yeah...I think I just choose to keep being in this mind set...cause quite simply, for me to get into it in the first place, I am already really tense, stressed, hormonal (this is not an excuse for my behaviour, it's just a partial explanation of why I may feel slightly negative in the first place) and just really unhappy...not sure why, usually it's just stuff going on, work stress or something...basic stuff most people deal with everyday and do NOT end up freaking out like we do at times.

So then something tiny will set me off (my partner always does this. Never her fault and the things that set me off usually wouldn't get to me at all. It's always her who has to deal with it though, cause she's the closest one to me and the only one with whom I really feel comfortable enough exposing myself this way) like her accidentally stepping on my foot, spilling food on me (like a speck of food, not even a lot) or whatever...nothing at all, basically.

So then I'm like a completely different person...throwing things (never at her though. I've never physically directed anything at her and never will), saying horrible things I don't mean (once I said I wished she'd leave me so I could finally be free of her, and even as the words were coming out of my mouth, my brain was screaming SHUT UP! And I was crying inside. As soon as I'd said them and saw the look on her face, I just felt so sick...and it was like, the LAST thing I really felt. I never want her to leave me. At times I have actually snapped myself out of the moods by saying things so bad and so not what I really feel that right afterwards I actually apologise and say I didn't mean it...but this doesn't really help things partner never reciprocates anything, she is the most peaceful person ever and so gorgeous in every way...but I hate that now those words are out there, you know? She heard them and may never forget them. I fear, whenever this happens even if it's not frequent now, I'm damaging US, you know? Gradually...)

Anyway...but yeah...I also swear pretty much every word I say when usually I hardly ever do...I scream, slam doors, break things, etc...horrible. It's like I'm a wild animal, when normally I'm quite reserved. My partner says I even LOOK different, my eyes and face and my voice changes and goes really deep.

I am fully conscious and coherent and myself during this...I don't have any sort of dissociative disorder like multiple personalities, etc, so...

Sorry this is so long!!! Basically, I think it's a self-indulgent expression of negative feelings...we don't HAVE to succumb, but it is easier to, except afterwards.

*sigh* I don't know. I've never been on any drugs or anything like Effexor or be honest, I'd be scared to. I'd be scared I'd never come off them, you know?

Anyway, good luck!

Old 10-21-2006, 05:35 AM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,011
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Stevie, you said that you say things to your partner that you really don't mean. Do you think you say these things to her because you don't feel that you deserve her and this is like a self hate thing going on?

xalkaline, do you think that you are having angry outbursts now because you are not on your medication anymore? There is a psychological reason why you are having these outbursts. Do you have a history of abuse?

Old 10-21-2006, 07:51 PM   #6
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Oshawa Ontario Canada
Posts: 66
cryingdestiny HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Im going through that now as I type this. One minute im happy and the next I wanna slit someones throat. No kidding. I get so angry sometimes though near my period and I just lay up in my room and wollow in my own self pity. It works because it keeps me away from people .... and so I dont end up killing someone. I even hit myself the other day across my face cause I needed to hit something, weird. But it could be due to PMS
xXx[.Everytime.I.See.Your.Picture.I.Cry.And. I.Learn.To.Get.Over.You.One.More.Time.]xXx

Old 10-22-2006, 09:51 AM   #7
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 19
xalkaline3x HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Thanks so much for all the responses so far.

Even as I am in the midst of one, at the back of my mind I'm thinking, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? But I "can't" stop...*sigh*
This what happens when I'm going on a tangent. I know I shouldn't be getting this mad over something so silly but it's just like there is this weird urge.

Sannah, no, I don't really have a history of abuse. I don't know why I'm doing this.

I even hit myself the other day across my face cause I needed to hit something, weird.

I do this as well. I'm terrifying my boyfriend. He hates to see me hit myself but I just have this urge to do it.

Of course I'm fine now but I have a bruise on my arm from where I hit it on the wall accidently in a fit of rage and that just reminds me of what I did and it's depresssing.

Last edited by xalkaline3x; 10-22-2006 at 09:54 AM.

Old 10-22-2006, 12:11 PM   #8
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Tx
Posts: 1,125
Jenetti HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

I freaked out earlier today which included throwing his shoes at him and kicking him. I usually drive him to either having to grab me or to threatem to leave which just makes me cry and beg for him to stay. After all this happens and I'm left to myself, I feel depressed. I wonder why I even did all of that

this sort of tells me that you "come to your senses" when you hear him threaten to leave, so is that what breaks your spells of rage? i think alot of people who have rage and show it to their loved ones are those who can sometimes control their rage but decide not to. they feel safe with showing that emotion and fighting that you probably wouldnt do with say a bank president cause he didnt give you a loan, or a policemen who stopped you because you ran a red light, see the difference? you have your choice of who you act out with, so that tells me you can control your temper, you just choose not to, you get "used" to it , and it takes changing from within to decide if you want to continue the rage spells or not. this coming to your senses when he threatens to leave and you say it just makes your cry and beg him to stay is seen as a "i must stop this rage NOW or he'll leave me and you probably stop instantly cause you change from rage to crying and begging for him not to leave. i know what im talking about, because i used to be the same exact WAY. and yes i did change. drastically, any more and yes he would have left. oh yea i still get angry, but nothing like i used to, or throwing things at him, or attacking him with things, we talk things out now. but it was a change within ME, saying I NEED TO CHANGE or i will LOSE HIM forever cause i will tell you this, they will get tired of the drama.
of course if you think it might be hormonal or mental, then you have no excuse either if you havent been to a doctor that can evaluate you and prescribe medication that will help you if needed. what i find out, and this part isnt you, is how selfish it looks when someone says ive got the same exact thing, then adds an LOL right after that statement , personally it frightens me to see the LOL after a statement like that. as if the anger/rage act out is funny or cute or something simple. CHANGE, if you really want to change, YES you can do so. this coming from a woman who once tried to shoot my husband, thank God, the rifle jammed up. or else id be in prison. that was 30 yrs ago, and yes i have change. its called maturity. unless of course you are mentally ill, or hormonally challenged, then PLEASE go see a doctor before you end up losing that man that so obviously loves you that he has stayed with you so far. sorry if this is blunt, but i feel its the truth.

Old 10-22-2006, 11:23 PM   #9
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Posts: 299
stevie_23 HB Userstevie_23 HB User
Unhappy Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

In response to the Q re whether the hurtful things I say to my partner are a way of pushing her away cause I don't feel worthy or deserving of her love, yes. Definitely. I've known this for many years. But see, what's interesting is that when I'm "sane" (not in one of these distorted states), I don't feel insecure or unworthy in the slightest...I feel 100% secure and confident in my partner's love for me.

And what's bad as well when I'm in one of my tantrums and going on about her not caring about me or whatever is that afterwards, for years I'd explain this in terms of the insecurity and feeling undeserving and that's why I would push her away...and never once (until a couple of years ago) did I realise that that is SO selfish and rude...I just saw it as a small part of why I behaved this way...but now, it's beautiful partner does so much for me and everything she does and how she is towards me, it all comes from her love for me...and I mean, she's basically never shown me anything BUT love...and then I go and do this to her AND then partially explain it by saying I feel unloved by her and unworthy so want to push her away? I mean, what more can she DO, you know, to convince me of her love? And like, when I'm normal, I KNOW she loves me. It's just...the other times I don't know what I think...

Well, possibly I do. I think that maybe the pushing away thing cause I feel unworthy of her, is like, an excuse for my behaviour...cause really, I can feel myself moving away from the normal emotional/mental closeness and intimacy I usually feel towards her before I go off on one of my's during this tension and sort of shutting down phase, pre-tantrum, that I lose sight of myself, or my sane self really...and see, THIS is when I have control most of all to stop myself before I go into it fully. But my problem is that usually by this stage, I can't feel anything...I feel empty and cold inside...otherwise there's no way I'd be able to say any of this stuff or do these things...I go numb...and during this, I begin to feel (and it escalates) that she doesn't care about me or even that she's AGAINST me...and THIS I think is how I then relate my behaviour to pushing her away...cause I feel she doesn't care and stuff, so I may as well push her away before she leaves me or whatever distorted reasoning I use...*shrug*

And I, the pre-tantrum tension and negative emotions (never connected to her) are already there in order for me to have a tantrum in the first place, and so...I already probably feel inferior or bad in a way, and then to feel she doesn't care, I guess it gives me "permission" to say these things because I feel unloved and unworthy...but really, what is going on is that because I have shut down emotionally and am numb, and thus am more inclined to express these negative feelings in such a hurtful and destructive way, I am sort of projecting these thoughts onto her...I say (along the lines of) "You don't love me!" but I really saying, "I don't feel love for you right now. And I don't understand why...but I feel so bad, so I'm expressing it in this way...and I can't feel anything, including love for you, so...I can't bear to admit that to myself or you, so I just will turn it around and say you don't love me cause it's easier." ? That make sense? It's not that I don't love her...I know I do. But right then, I just can't...GET to it, you know? I can't find the love inside me...that's kinda scary...

And I find lately if I begin to feel this way, I tend to get naggy and snippy first, and my poor girl knows sometimes when I'm going to have one of my things cause she knows me so well...and often she'll say it, that she's just waiting for me to explode...and I feel SO bad then...I feel so guilty and it just again makes me feel so strange and terrible because I know I am an abusive person in this way...*sigh*

She used to apologise to me afterwards (after one of my tantrums) if she also got a bit angry during it...(a rare occurrence...well, she always got angry and hurt, but she would only rarely show it or "come down to my level" and show it that way by yelling or using harsh tones)...I would always tell her, NEVER apologise for that...I do NOT want her to be downtrodden and her spirit killed by know? I would always say after that it was all my fault, because quite simply, it was. This is no martyr statement at all. And over the last few ones I've said, over the past months, she has gotten more angry and hasn't apologised afterwards, and she also hasn't cried anymore either...who here thinks this is a good or a bad thing? It seems good to me that she is perhaps feeling more strong or...not WRONG, like she's done anything wrong (her self esteem isn't the highest...I always try to make her feel good. Except of course during these things. *sigh*)...BUT what if she's just hardening and becoming used to my tantrums...and her spirit IS being crushed by me?...

I have gone on way too long, I'm sorry...

One thing though, I 100% agree with the post that said you choose to express your feelings this, if you were in the early or middle stages of one of these things, and suddenly your partner became your doctor or your boss, would you abruptly stop and be just shocked and appalled at yourself, and embarrassed? I surely would. I bet all the feelings swirling around in your head would somehow kinda vanish too actually...

I find myself lately tending to leave the situation when I feel myself getting weird...I just find it so hard though at times...I have to find some other outlet that releases my feelings without it being destructive like this...I used to actually actively follow around my partner when I was like this...she'd try and remove herself from me to avoid a full on tantrum, but I HAD to express myself and get it all out, so I'd follow her...ugh. Horrible.

So I guess that's something maybe...

Old 10-23-2006, 05:31 AM   #10
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Stevie, what an excellent analysis of yourself!!!!! What is going on before you start one of these cycles? Something is making you go there. Sounds like it could be a fear of intimacy? Are you both getting really close and then you get scared and then get numb? How are your boundaries? I think that a fear of intimacy goes with poor boundaries. A person would be afraid to get close if they feel that they cannot protect themselves properly. It does sound like your gf is getting tired of this drama. It would get tiring!

Jenetta, great post!

I was also wondering if anyone goes to this extreme with anger because this is the only place that they can express themselves. Like you don't feel like you can express your feelings unless you have all of this angry energy behind it?

Old 10-23-2006, 11:54 PM   #11
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
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stevie_23 HB Userstevie_23 HB User
Re: Never thought I would be in this position..

Thanks! *blush* I am very self-aware if nothing else.

Nah, the fear of intimacy thing, I get where you're coming from but that's not it. I've actually never had a fear of intimacy. I've been with my partner for over 5 years now and we've been living together for over 3, really happily...the only reason we're not married is cause we're both girls and we're not allowed. LOL. I would've said yes to a proposal or possibly proposed myself after about 2-3 years together, so...yeah. I honestly can say I am not scared of intimacy in the slightest. (with her. With most other people I AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE!! I am SO reserved and find displays of any sort of extreme or negative emotion reeeeally embarrassing)

So THAT I think is more of a reason for my behaviour...that I am so reserved and aloof usually, and at any one time I generally only have one person who I feel entirely comfortable with, and so...lucky them, they tend to get all of me, including his rather unpleasant part. *shrug* Like, my ex partner (also my best friend before we got together and still now years after, she's been best friends for half our lives) was that one person when we were together and even a couple of years before we got together...and I had these tantrums with her as well...much worse than now in fact. MUCH worse. I'd hit myself in the head with glasses (drinking, not spectacles) and time I ran out into the road (I looked first there were no cars of course. See? Always in control. Anyone who says they're not is kidding themselves I think) and then lost her, and later found the poor girl rocking back & forth in someone's flowerbed! She was so traumatised by my behaviour. yeah...but NOW, my one person is my current partner, and I'd be really embarrassed to act this way in front of my best yeah.

I think if I had more outlets, I'd have less or none of these things...

And yeah, what's going on with me before these tantrums (in pre-tantrum phase you could say)? I don't really know...when I think back to some big ones, they were all brought on by nothing, but I can't even recall why I felt stressed and bad before...the only sort of thread between them is that I was always really hungry, and I do tend to get quite irrational and dizzy and stuff when hungry. That's still no excuse though, and I've been starving and famished millions of times and I've not had a tantrums. *shrug*

1. I was incredibly hungry once and waiting for my ex (best friend now) to get us lunch in a shopping mall, and I glanced over to see she'd moved out of the line and was talking on the phone. I freaked out, picked up my bag and went over to her, saying I was leaving and that she obviously didn't care about me if she was not going to get our food but would prefer to make a phone call and keep me waiting. LOL. Sounds ludicrous, but we had a huge thing in the middle of this crowded food court place, and I ended up crying. LOL.

2. I once had one (also with my ex) and I can't even remember a single thing about why, but I gave her the finger and swore at her in the street (a little old lady was tottering past at the time and looked shocked by me) and then she had to come back to my place to get her bag which she'd left there, and I hid the keys and locked her in and wouldn't let her out. Then when my parents came home, I acted (and made her act too) like everything was fine. (I get SO embarrassed, as I said before, by negative emotions and stuff, except with this one person)

3. Another one was when me and my current partner were waiting to eat in a nice cafe, and I had my heart set on eggs and then they told us they didn't have any, and I freaked out, stormed out, screaming...*sigh* I don't know. I embarrass myself. (this isn't the first tantrum about a lack of eggs either actually...)

Anyway...but yeah, all I know is that before each one, I've felt odd and stressed and this rising tension...I don't know...

I do tend to spend much of my life in partial denial of things too I've noticed...I've got a credit card debt of $7,000 *gulp* cause of excessive spending on clothes, yet I only work 25 hours a week...I'm 28 years old and can't cope with a 40 hour working week, as I love my own leisure time...*sigh* I'm always dreaming of ways to make money...hmm...maybe this makes it hard sometimes for me to fully live in the real world...maybe when I am really stressed and tense before these things, it's cause I'm having a rare moment of unpleasant insight into my reality and it stresses me out...*shrug* Who knows...

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