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Old 12-13-2006, 06:31 AM   #1
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Unhappy Living with angry bf.......

I've been in my relationship for about 7 months. After 5 months we decided to live together. I have a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. It's been a bumpy road but we've been able to work through it. However lately my bf has been acting out when his jealousy gets the best of him. He's very competitive and is constantly comparing himself to past bf's, or my interaction with other people male or female. I try to include him in many aspects of my life, however he doesn’t show the same interest when it comes to me. His jealousy has been the cause of his verbal abuse, disrespectful and controlling behavior. He does realize that his anger is going to tear us apart. He said he would seek help, and this is how we found your board. I love him very much and told him I would support him if he gets help. However he would have to do it on his own by being proactive. I came home from work a little late on Monday and we got into a slight tiff regarding dinner. We remained in separate quarters during the evening. I was in the living room with my son watching a movie. He walks pass us and out of the house with a small overnight bag, without saying a word. The next afternoon when my son came home from school he was in the house but on his way out. He told my son he just needed time to clear his head. However he has yet to call me, or return any of my phone calls or text messages. This isn't the first time he's tried to leave, but it was usually after a terrible fight. I'm getting sick of always being the one asking him to stay. Not to mention he's coming and going like our house is his personal hotel room. My friends think I should leave him before his anger turns violent. I don't fear for my safety or my child’s but at the same time he does need to get help..... Any thoughts?

 
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Old 12-13-2006, 07:08 AM   #2
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Hello, Geishafly.

First off, I want to pose this question for you: Are his spurts of anger provoked or unprovoked? From what you've said so far, it seems that his spats are out of jealousy more than anything else. But are they all out of jealousy or can you think of anything at all that would be a somewhat legitimate reason for him to get upset? As I do not know any of your situation other than what you have told us, I want you to realize that however much effort he puts into fixing his behavior will be fruitless unless the source of this behavior is addressed.

I will also offer this thought. As you have said the two of you are live-in bf/gf. If you're not married at this point, your son needs to be the higher priority. Is this the influence you want for him? He is at a very vulnerable stage in his life right now. The early teen years are the most awkward in the first place. You definitely don't want to give him more reasons to act out.

Perhaps just as importantly, is this the man you see yourself in a long-term relationship with? I'm talking about the way he is now. A friend of mine once said "never fall in love with a man's potential." If he's changing, great--awesome. But watch him and make sure it's a real change, not just words.

Not knowing your whole story, I am not qualified to answer all of these questions for you. Only you can decide that. But from what I can tell, he needs a whole lot of serious help. He also needs your support in the process, but you can't support him at the expense of yourself or your son.

By the way, you said he doesn't seem violent ... he only needs to snap once.

 
Old 12-13-2006, 07:23 AM   #3
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Quote:
Originally Posted by hagios
Hello, Geishafly.

First off, I want to pose this question for you: Are his spurts of anger provoked or unprovoked? From what you've said so far, it seems that his spats are out of jealousy more than anything else. But are they all out of jealousy or can you think of anything at all that would be a somewhat legitimate reason for him to get upset? As I do not know any of your situation other than what you have told us, I want you to realize that however much effort he puts into fixing his behavior will be fruitless unless the source of this behavior is addressed.

I will also offer this thought. As you have said the two of you are live-in bf/gf. If you're not married at this point, your son needs to be the higher priority. Is this the influence you want for him? He is at a very vulnerable stage in his life right now. The early teen years are the most awkward in the first place. You definitely don't want to give him more reasons to act out.

Perhaps just as importantly, is this the man you see yourself in a long-term relationship with? I'm talking about the way he is now. A friend of mine once said "never fall in love with a man's potential." If he's changing, great--awesome. But watch him and make sure it's a real change, not just words.

Not knowing your whole story, I am not qualified to answer all of these questions for you. Only you can decide that. But from what I can tell, he needs a whole lot of serious help. He also needs your support in the process, but you can't support him at the expense of yourself or your son.

By the way, you said he doesn't seem violent ... he only needs to snap once.
Hello Hagios,

Thanks for the reply.... There are times when we argue and it gets nasty on both parts. I'm not sure if I would call it that his anger is provoked, because he's gets upset very easily. He'll start questioning me and because I get defensive he'll become even more angry as if I'm hiding something. Like I stated before I do love him very much but I will only stay if he actively seeks help and follows through with it. For me thats the only way.........

 
Old 12-13-2006, 07:33 AM   #4
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

he sounds like he may have BPD, borderline personality disorder. You should research it. If I were you, I'd hope that he left and didn't come back, but you're probably not going to get that lucky. People like him love drama, slamming doors, storming out, making a big scene.......my last boyfriend was like that.......it got real old after a while and I got rid of him. I suggest you do the same with this one.

 
Old 12-13-2006, 09:03 AM   #5
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Geishafly, his questioning you sounds totally inappropriate. I would stop him immediately and tell him to stop if he starts to question you inappropriately. I would not respond to his questioning, not one word. He has no right to do this. He does not own you and he needs to trust you.

 
Old 12-14-2006, 03:58 PM   #6
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

ok my hubby also has a short fuse. he took anger manangemant class how ever they only work for a while well for him any way. Also the problem normally is a little bit on both sides me and hubby went to a marriage councelor that worked but you have to go in willing to try and listen and do what they say if you don't and you think it is a crock it will not work. some of there suggestions may sound silly but they work. In some cases you will find out thing you do not want to think. like when i went i thought it was him but i found that alott of it was cause of me well thats what she said. but that may help i hope and good luck

 
Old 12-15-2006, 05:08 AM   #7
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Thank you for responding. I think that may be an option that we should look into. Yes his fuse is short and in a lot of ways he may be wrong, however he's not the only one to blame. There are times when I do feed into his anger with my own. So we both need help to get through this tough time.

 
Old 12-15-2006, 05:12 AM   #8
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Thanks Sannah, You right his questioning is totally inappropriate. I will take your advice, this issue almost always turns into a argument. Not to mention if it doesn't, down the road he would use the information in a way to insult me. His insults stem from his jealousy/anger issues. This definately one way to cut that issue out. Yes he does need to trust me.........

 
Old 12-15-2006, 06:01 AM   #9
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Hello again, Geishafly...

I'd have to agree that you need to seek outside help. If you're in this relationship together, and you can admit that you're both somewhat responsible for the issues you've had, and that both of you have anger/argumentative issues to work on, then you should go to some therapy together as well. It's a two-way street. You got into the mess together, you can get out of it together.

 
Old 12-19-2006, 04:49 AM   #10
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Hi just want to ask...

What about your child? Being 13 is difficult enough...and like some one earlier said...he is at a very vulnerable age..do you want your son to learn that it is okay to grow up and act this way to people?? We learn by watching other's. And this just does not sound like a good situation for a 13 year old.

Maybe you and your son need to get some distances from this man you call a boyfriend. If you two love each other and he is going to work on it...then I would wait until your son is 18 before moving in with another male...

As your son grows older he may just step in and take care of someone that is hurting his Mom...

Just a thought....


 
Old 12-21-2006, 06:47 AM   #11
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Re: Living with angry bf.......

Your bf sounds alot like my ex bf. We lived together for a few months-just short of one year. He was jealous, always questioning me about my every move. If I was just a few minutes late getting home from work, he would ask about it. Really jealous. After a while, it DID turn into physical violence. And at the time he became physically violent, I was pregnant with his child. I took my then, 4 year old DD and we left. I had to put him in jail a couple of times for stalking me. I was 6 months pregnant when this happened. I had quit my job b/c he made me and I ended up having to give the baby up for adoption. I was afraid for my life and my children's lives. He threatened to kill the baby and my dd. It got really ugly.
My point is this: Jealousy will eventually rear its very ugly head in the worst way. You need to seriously put your 13 year old first and get away from this man. For your safety and your child's. This man is no good role model for your child, especially for a boy. He will see these things and think this is acceptable behavior which it is not. My dd had to go to counseling for a long time b/c she had nightmares about my ex. No fun and completely unfair to her. I will never stop feeling guilty for putting her through that.
Best of luck to you!

 
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