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Old 01-11-2007, 04:26 PM   #1
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blancanieve HB User
Unhappy Anger/Being Ignored

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 1/2 yrs. He is a very sweet, loving affectionate guy....but he has anger issues and his way of dealing with it is to ignore people. When he's upset over something he completely shuts down. When he's upset at me he won't talk to me unless I start talking and he will just reply yes or no. He ignores me and he will ignore me for days if he has to. If I do communicate with him he gives me attitude and yells at me. The things that **** him off are the smallest things... There are a lot of family members and friends who recognize he has this problem and he has lost alot of relationships with friends and family members because of something little they did that made him feel like if he has to ignore them forever...

For as long as I remember my biggest issue with my family and friends growing up is feeling like I'm being IGNORED. This is why I feel like I can't really deal with him ignoring me. He ignores my phone calls, ignores me in person, and my emails and everything you can possibly think of. It drives me crazy and it makes me really sad and depressed to think that the only way he can "resolve" any problem he has with me is by ignoring me. It's so weird to see how much he changes when he's angry, it's like a completely diff. person.

To make it worst he already knows that it drives me crazy. The fact that he knows and decides not to do anything about it makes me angry and hold some resentment towards him for it...

When he eventually calms down and is no longer angry you would think that he'd be able to communicate with me about it but as soon as the subject comes up he gets mad all over again. He continues his daily routine as if nothing ever happened. I feel like if he tries to solve the issue by ignoring it but in the end all he's doing is keeping it to himself and holding alot of little grudges. I don't understand why he'd rather ignore people rather than talk about things....he knows that I'm willing to talk to him but still chooses to ignore me. Can someone please explain this to me? I love him alot and he really is a great guy and I would love to marry him someday, but I can't imagine marrying him and having to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't want my kids to think that this is a way of solving a problem and I don't want my kids to be ignored.

What can I do to stop him from continuing this ongoing cycle? What can I do to stop feeling mad/sad when he ignores me?

 
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Old 01-11-2007, 06:46 PM   #2
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firenice HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Well...regarding how you feel, there is a lot you can do. Regarding how he deals with his anger, there isn't much you can do. When he gets to the point of being willing to acknowledge that he could do better with his anger, then he'll be open to learning other ways. Actually, shutting down isn't the worst way to respond. Many people become violent. In some cases they are instructed to go be alone and ignore others when they're so angry they could become violent. Be supportive; give him the space to work it out on his own.

One thing you can do during these times is write him a letter. You can say everything you want to say in person, but do it in writing and either give it to him or mail it to him. You can say whatever you feel needs to be said but I suggest you avoid pointing fingers and asking him to change. Simply state what you see, what you feel and what you need. For example, "I see that when you get angry you shut me out and I feel so alone at those times and I really need to know that you still care for me when you're angry." These kind of statements are not questions, they don't require a response. They are not about him but rather about you. It might help you to express yourself in this way, in writing, and then giving it to him. Or, keep a diary during the days he is mad and then afterwards ask if he would be willing to sit down with you and read the diary together.

 
Old 01-12-2007, 06:40 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Blanca, firenice has a good idea about communicating how you are feeling instead of saying anything about his behavior. This is excellent communication and when you do this it helps to keep the other person from getting defensive.

You asked why your bf does this. I'll bet he was taught this maladaptive way of handling anger in his family. Maybe he wasn't allowed to express his anger in his family or this was how a parent dealt with anger. You are right, it is not healthy and keeping unresolved anger inside is especially unhealthy. You are smart in not wanting to take this problem into a marriage and then model it for your children. Maybe you can ask him if he was taught in his family that he cannot express anger?

As for you feeling ignored it might help if you can understand that this has no relationship to your self worth. In your family, when you were being ignored it had to do with that person's own issues. It wasn't a reflection of your self worth. Today when this happens with your bf remember it isn't a reflection of your self worth it is just how your bf copes with his anger.

 
Old 01-12-2007, 07:27 AM   #4
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Re: Anger/Being Ignored

good morning------just my opinion as my husband and I have just conquered this. and I say the two of us because we had different styles of communication that didn't work for years. If I was upset and he asked what was wrong as long as it didn't have anything to do with him we were OK. If it did he was on the defensive in a split second. Irritated, yelling, Oh if i could tell you how many times he wanted a divorce over something that upset me that he said/did but was not a mountain. I on the other hand acquired a habit of being silent since to me there was no point in talking to him about anything HE ever did to upset me. hence the total lack ofcommunication. Recently he was very late getting home and going through a bad time myself and him knowing this I felt he should have called. Since he is really good at calling I felt the absence of a call caused me to worry myslef sick as to whether or not he was alright. I have to also add he was going through withdrawal from Fentynal patches at the time so my fear was something happened. I held it in for a week until he was feeling better and then sat down and told him something was bothering me and I needed to talk to him. immediately he was on the defensive and I let him get it out the whole time being quiet. when he was done i told him I still needed to talk to him and since I felt we had a good marriage and relationship that we both had to except when we hurt the other and talk it out and not run from it. we did, he understood and our relationship is even better now. Just an idea it worked for me. He had his reasons for being on the defensive and I had my reasons for going silent. As sannah said alot of it is what you are taught and how you are taught or not taught at all to deal with your feelings. Each of us had our own way of communicating that came from our own issues but it had to be corrected for us to live happily together. most of the time it takes 2, not always. depending on the circumstances.

Best,
ICC

 
Old 02-21-2007, 01:15 PM   #5
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Pumpkin99 HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

I'm going through exactly the same thing with my husband. It's brutal to deal with. My husband does crazy things when he gets mad or doesn't get his way. For example, twice he bolted out of the car as I was driving...going slowly, but still that's a bit extreme, I think. Each time I try to get to the bottom of a disagreement for the good of the relationship, he tries to escalate the discussion into a heated argument. I have never met someone as thin-skinned in my life either. His favorite way to get back at me is to ignore me totally for days. It is very tough to deal with as it feels like complete rejection. Everything is on his terms, he makes up when and only when he feels like it, my feelings don't matter.
Our situation is unique. We met online and fell in love. He's British and I'm American. We traveled back and forth across the Atlantic and after 2 1/2 years we married. During the courtship he had his moments....he has anger-management problems, but the episodes were infrequent. Unfortunately, right after we married he turned into a monster. He started being disrespectful to me in front of his parents the day after the wedding! Of course, the wedding and parental visit was stressful and he did not handle this well at all. Shortly after the wedding, we went to Miami for a week (at my expense) got lost at night trying to find the resort. Needless to say with our frayed nerves we had a blow-out that very night.When we finally found the hotel an hour later I asked him to take me to the grocery store because we hadn't eaten. He said "no, absolutely not". I said, "take me to the store for food or else". I know this sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened. Anyway, he took me to the store and refused to buy any groceries which made me even madder. He was continuing to upset me and wouldn't quit.I was still angry the next morning because he still was refusing to kick in any money for the food.So, I lost it and told him to leave...not meaning it though which was stupid because don't you know he did leave. He left me in Miami, at my timeshare without a car!He flew up to his cousin's house in NJ and I didn't see him for 2 weeks. He ignored my emails for 3 days..so I cut my trip short because i didn't even know where he was.We did make up after this believe it or not and now he is in England supposedly trying to sell his house. The problem with that is he used to email me everyday before we were married and now he never answers.His house has no phone because he has been living here with me for the past 12 months so I have to call his mother to tell him to call me. He takes his time to call back too.The separation is causing a lot of stress and on Sunday we had a discussion which he turned into a fight over the phone.He hung up on me twice and I haven't heard from him in 3 days now. I feel your pain and if I were you I would definitely try to straighten him out before you married him.We need to get control of our emotions and stop letting their manipulations hurt us because I believe that it is done to punish and bully. I just think this behavior is so childish, but I have read that men have this fight and flight trigger. Who knows, maybe it's true. Anyway, I was in your boat in my 1st marriage. My husband was stationed at RAF Lakenheath in England and he became abusive there. I found the local women to be really friendly and they helped me to get away from him and return to the States.Try to join some clubs, meet some other Moms and when you feel comfortable tell them what's going on.I'm certain they will help you. I also think that you might try to re-build your relationship with your family. Remember, blood is thicker than water.

I moved to Maryland a year ago and don't know too many people here.I think I have post-traumatic stress disorder over the Miami thing...I guessed his yahoo password and read some of his mail to find out what was going on and his sister was telling him to block my emails and return to England. Nice sister-in -law huh? I would never had read his mail ,but when he abandoned me in Miami, I felt that I needed to get to the bottom of why he did it if I could. So, I would appreciate as much help as possible with this problematic marriage...reaction and advice would be great.Everyone says that I'm easy-going...I don't understand why this is happening in my marriage.
Hope this helps.

Last edited by moderator2; 02-21-2007 at 04:03 PM.

 
Old 02-22-2007, 08:33 AM   #6
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green dragon HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

ever heard the old saying: a leapord cannot change his spots? the same applies to humans - you are who you are. if some1 is happy the way they are then no1 else can change that person. i sometimes shut people out and its for their own good. if you dont accept me as i am then go elsewhere. this seems to be a major character issue with most people with anger in them. only they can help themselves by coming to terms or understanding their own emotions thus why they act the way they do.

 
Old 02-23-2007, 05:15 AM   #7
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Hi Pumpkin, wow, your situation sounds tough. I wonder if he even wants to work on this? You have some tough decisions to make, one being how much energy you are going to put into this relationship?

 
Old 02-23-2007, 08:30 AM   #8
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Pumpkin99 HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Quote:
Originally Posted by green dragon View Post
ever heard the old saying: a leapord cannot change his spots? the same applies to humans - you are who you are. if some1 is happy the way they are then no1 else can change that person. i sometimes shut people out and its for their own good. if you dont accept me as i am then go elsewhere. this seems to be a major character issue with most people with anger in them. only they can help themselves by coming to terms or understanding their own emotions thus why they act the way they do.
Thanks, I understand what you're saying. The scary thing is that my husband doesn't open up to anyone...not even his parents. I guess I should give him some time to figure out his problems...especially his finances.Do you think he might have some kind of mental disorder possibly?

 
Old 02-23-2007, 08:42 AM   #9
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Pumpkin99 HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

I don't think that there is much I can do now because he is in England. His mother said to call them on Sunday. Sometimes, I think that he is mentally deranged. How else could anyone treat people with such arrogance? It seems like his mother is not a very assertive person. Maybe he has seen his mother treated this way and thinks it's ok?

 
Old 02-23-2007, 10:34 AM   #10
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green dragon HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

pumpkin: you mentioned that yer hubby was STATIONED in england thus i refer you to military medical help. as a wife of an armed forces personnel, you are entitled to free VA assistence. it may well be, if he has been in a war zone that he is post tramatic and might very well need assistence beyond your scope. you should contact HIS parents and ask them if he has been "out of character". i have a niece who was stationed with her hubby overseas in england. i would also contact the base he is or was at there.

you married some1 you really dont.......know. the only thing you have seen is his "odd" behavior. he may need help and doesn't know it himself.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 12:30 PM   #11
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Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Green Dragon ,
Thanks for your help. My husband is a British national and isn't in the service. I wish that there was a legitimate excuse for his behavior, but I don't think that's the case. I'm beginning to think that he married so that I would sign an affidavit of support to get his green card. We are both self-supporting and I told him that I shouldn't have to sign it. He could get a k3 visa as my husband without my signing the support affidavit. Why would any self-respecting man want to be supported by a woman? I hope this isn't why he married me.

Pumpkin

 
Old 02-25-2007, 01:37 PM   #12
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green dragon HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

depending on where you got married and other circumstances it is a call for concern that the moment you are "hitched"; he goes elsewhere. you can contact a marriage lawyer and have the marrige possibly annuld or at least make his "green card" invalid. immagrantion takes a very dim view of situations that you are describing and i think that you have an issue of concern. if i married a woman from another country, at the least, i would be at her side not running back to my native land for any excuse. realtors can sell property abroad, especially now, with the internet.

this is not a "met him thru a dating site" or on the web senerio is it?

 
Old 02-25-2007, 06:33 PM   #13
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Re: Anger/Being Ignored

Green Dragon,

Yes, I met him through a dating website. He doesn't have a green card because I didn't send in the immigration paperwork that he filled out. I refused to sign the I-685 affidavit of support because then i would have been responsible for him for 10 years even if we got divorced. When I mean responsible I mean if he collected food stamps, I would have to pay the U.S. government back.I told him this past Friday that we needed to get the K-3 spousal visa which doesn't require me to sign the support agreement. He has to go down to the U.S. embassy in London and prove that he is self-supporting, if he wants to immigrate here.He hasn't responded to that offer.He hasn't communicated with me for a week and I'm not going to contact him again until he contacts me.He's broke except for his home in England which he owns outright and he has a small pension. He has to clean out the house which is why supposedly he went home, but I'm suspicious of him now and very hurt for obvious reasons.Thanks for listening. You don't know how much it helps to get a guy's input.

Pumkin99

Last edited by Pumpkin99; 02-25-2007 at 07:15 PM.

 
Old 02-25-2007, 08:21 PM   #14
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green dragon HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

have a friend who met a man on the web thru a chat room dating service. he was in australia and nancy was here in canada. all 6 kids were grown and she asked me what she thought of going to visit - he was sending a plane ticket - i said go for it BUT make sure the ticket is ROUND TRIP. she went for 6 months and then came home as he wanted more then she wanted to give - canadian citizenship. i would be very careful of what you do next. protect yerself and yer investmants and my gut says get rid of him now before its to late

 
Old 04-19-2007, 07:24 AM   #15
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emmapeel HB User
Re: Anger/Being Ignored

hey pumpkin -- it's april 2007 and i see you joined in february. i'm so sorry to hear of all of this. join our merry little band. as to my beloved and me...

ignored is what i've been and ignoring has been his state of mind since being off his meds for MDD unipolar depression (severe, as stated in his casework).

he's the greatest guy in this entire world when he's well and on proper meds. he's been treated for free by the state of texas since jan 2006, and he decided he wanted off his antidepressants. he has a flight response to any time life is seen thru his depressive state eyes. he's now with is daughter 800 miles away, not on his correct set of meds, and only heaven knows if i'll ever see him again. this is the 5th year in a row this has been happening. i'm at least not a blubbering mess, this time.

 
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