LampAway, sorry that you have had to go through so much. Sounds like you had an appt. with a psychiatrist because that person gave you meds and they only want to see you once a month. You can also see a therapist who will see you more often. I think that you need to see someone more than once a month. As for the internet access, you can always go to the public library and get internet access. Sounds like you have a lot to sort through and a therapist can be very helpful in doing this. Keep posting, okay? Oh yeah, you might want to post on the Post Traumatic Stress Board. There is a group of people over there who are very helpful and supportive.
I can not move forward into what I know would be loving and honest relationship with this man, when all of demons will not leave me alone.
I am not the person I was back when all the hell began, I am nothing now and that in itself is wonderfull starting point. I am a blank slate beneath a broken mirror
Well, you certainly do have a lot going on! However, you sound rational and clear enough to me. You seem to have a good understanding of what is going on. Your statement (above) seems to encompass the whole dilemma, and it is phrased very well, even poetic.
Demons cannot be forced out. They exist for a reason and until that reason is acknowledged, they won't go away. In some cases, they exist soley for self punishment and if that is your case, you simply need to apologize to yourself, sincerely, maybe even cry tears of sorrow, and then they will be gone. It may take weeks and it may happen in recurring spurts. But, you just keep apologizing to all the parts of your self which have been hurt and damaged. The result is a growing forgiveness - the healing balm which dissolves the demons.
Demons sometimes exist until a person faces the problem or the issue. In that case, it is more about acceptance than apology. And, you may have some of that going on too. You need to accept what happened, without putting fault on yourself or others. It happened. Who knows all the reasons why it happened, and who care....It happened. It's over. You've learned a great deal from it. Accept it as part of your history. It's neither good nor bad but just experience that has made you who you are, poetic and all....
Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes. That does not mean they are worthless, stupid or deserving of any less forgiveness than someone who makes a minor mistake. In your case, you are not even a perpetrator, you are a victim. Actually, a better term is participant. You participated in the events, you were a player. Accept it. Apologize to yourself. Forgive yourself. Move on.
Even a piece of mirrow can reflect the whole sky...
How can I forgive myself for what may poison my daughers heart and alter forever the path she may take?
Well, that is the question isn't it. But, that question can only be asked if there is even the slightest hope that there is in fact a way to do it. And, indeed there is. If you truly want to find it, you will. A hint: "...what may poisen my..."
it may not. But whether it does or not is secondary to how you feel about your self. No one will be able to forgive you enough until you forgive yourself a little. There is not a single human being in this world who has not made mistakes, and in many cases BIG mistakes. And, it's not true that nothing can be changed. Everything is changing. The past is only what we remember it as - which changes; and the future is only what we imagine it to be - which changes. You're certainly entitled to feel badly about what's happened and the condition you find yourself in now. But, that can change - if you truly want it to, it will, in time.
Lampaway, the past is the past but you still have the future! Are you in counseling? You really can learn to forgive yourself. Most likely what you have done in the past was a result of how you were affected by what has happened to you. When we are children we have no control over what happens to us. What happens to us affects who we become. If we had bad things happen to us our decision making is not going to be so good. These effects are not really our fault. We do have the power to make our future better, however, through counseling and work. You can make your life better if you can find your way. Everyone can find her way if she gets the right guidance and help and works to get there.
"It feels good to make the final decision and know that I will finaly be rid of my greatest problem - life/myself. - I feel good knowing that it will end and I finally admit to myself that I am not good enough to live a life without self hate - I deserve to hate myself for I am good for nothing else.
I HATE me. and the sooner he hates me too the sooner I can be free."
What if you are wrong? What if you are making your future worse? You sound suicidal as if that will solve all of your problems. But, what if it doesn't? What if there is life after death - and what if suicide makes our problems worse? You don't know. What you do know is that you have NOW. As difficult as it may be, you can begin to make changes now, and that, and that alone, will make a better future, for sure. You don't know about anything else. You don't know that ending your body's life will stop your mind. You don't know that you will be good for nothing next year. You don't know if you will not have a good relationship next year. You think you know, but you don't. All you know for sure is that you are suffering, you don't like it and you want it to stop. Are you willing to work towards making it stop? Are you willing to give yourself time to make it stop? Are you willing to give yourself the space to get better? Notice I am not asking if you are able. Ability comes after willingness. I'm just asking if you are willing; willing to even consider the idea...?
The issue is not about making the past acceptable. The past is over. You are allowed to feel badly about it, even hate yourself for it if you so choose. The only question is your willingness to continue on despite all the mental and emotional turmoil you experience. Underneath all the choas and self loathing is an energy that wants to go on living, otherwise you wouldn't want to feel better about yourself and I know that you do.
4 years is a long time. But, you know the story of the person who turned around after hiking 10 miles thinking they would never get to their destination only to find out later that it was just another half mile. You might be closer than you think.
But, no one is going to change your mind. That's yours to change if you so choose - even though it may be hard. I would only encourage you to recognize and honor the inner most yearnings of your heart, not the rationalizations and interpreations of your hurting mind.
No, there is no cure for self hate, I've hated myself for years and I carried on by taking care of others and ignoring how much I've hated myself, obviously it didn't help and now it's time to face the reality that I can not/will not continue to live with myself. I care for me no more than anyone else in my life ever has and trust me - thats never happened.
a counselor and bottle of prescription drugs will not fix the past into becoming something acceptable.
Lampaway, there is a cure for self hate. It sounds like you have been mistreated your whole life. When people are treated badly they conclude that they are worthless. Why else would the person be so mistreated? Well, guess what. People have all sorts of reasons for mistreating others and it has nothing to do with your self worth.
Sounds like you have given all your power and control over to others. Actually, it was probably taken from you as a child and you never learned how to take it back. This is something that can be learned. Take back the control and power of your life! Sounds like you are being mistreated in your current relationship. If you grow up being mistreated you think that you deserve no better. Well, you can make a decision today to NEVER allow anyone to mistreat you again. It starts with giving yourself permission to respect and love yourself enough to say NO - YOU CAN NOT MISTREAT ME ANYMORE! But it starts with yourself. No one else can take care of you and treat you with respect until you demand it.
This has a lot to do with what types of people that you choose to keep company with. I could go out today and find someone to mistreat me. Someone who has no respect for others, but no way. There are bad people out there and there are good people out there. Whom you choose depends on how much you think that you deserve good treatment, how valuable you think that you are.
So the cure for self hate has to do with changing your thoughts and changing your behavior which you have total ability to do. You know when you are being mistreated and you think that you do not deserve for it to stop. You do deserve for it to stop and you can make it stop. You have all the power to stop your mistreatment. The mistreatment that you allow others to do and the mistreatment that you do to yourself.
The man I am with now in no way mistreats me, he has been the most caring of any man I've known, he is too good for me and as of yesterday told me that from the time we met I have changed from a confident woman (fragile facade) to a fearfull thing that has shrunk deeper and deeper inside herself and he is no longer attracted to me as a friend or lover. I have become something repulsive in his eyes.
It was almost over yesterday, he finaly said that he hates me, but he still wants the apartment that we are due to move into on the first, so he will try again to find a way to tolerate me, as he can not afford it alone and would become homeless should we seperate.
If I keep from telling him what goes on in my mind, If I do not try to work out what is wrong - openly- then we have a chance at making it through this.
I don't think that I deserve to be happy, not after all of the mistakes and stupid acts of love and trust that brought nothing but pain to my children and I.
I did not recieve justice for the other rapes. through all of this I have learned, by the reactions of the people I turned to for help in these maters, I learned that I am not worth defending or the seeking of justice.
So You see if those closest to me never saw a reason to fight for me, not even as a child, why have I have I been trying to fight for someone who never existed beyond the use of the body. Understand?
Lampaway, yes, I see how you have grown to believe that you are worthless because you have always been around people who did not appreciate any other human being. They probably got like this because no one appreciated them. What a terrible way to live. Lampaway, these people were cruel and heartless people. I am so sorry that this was who you were around. Lampaway, YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF! It has to come from you because it isn't going to come from anyone else who is around you! YOU ARE VALUABLE! Look back at that little girl who you used to be. That little girl who deserved LOVE, PROTECTION and CARE. YOU can give it to HER now! You can turn your life around. It has to start with you. Do not believe a bunch of cruel and heartless people. Their opinions are worth NOTHING. Anyone who would be cruel and heartless to a little girl does not have a worthwhile opinion! You must love that helpless little girl! She deserved it then and she deserves it now. YOU must do it!