okay so i am confused.. and i am the one confusing myself.
sometimes i just get mad.. like really mad and i dont know why. like right now, i am just like seriously ******. i want to scream and i want to throw things. i dont have a reason for it. i dont feel like talking to anybody. its like, i have idolized myself. you see? i get mad at my "boyfriend" for no reason. tonight hes going out with his friends, and like it makes me not even want to talk to him. i didnt tell him that, because i know that he didnt do anything wrong. its a long distance relationship by the way. i just dont know if maybe im mad because all of my friends are too stuck up their boyfriends bungholes to pull themselves away, and he gets to hang out with his friends all the time. or if its because i have finals this coming monday & tuesday and i have to study all the time. i am a college student, and i work so i have things i have to do. like i said already, i dont hardly ever go out because this takes a lot of my time, and even when i DO have free time, my girlfriends are busy with their boyfriends.
-there are only 3 girls that i am extremely close with, one has a kid (in which we stopped having our crazy nights when she got pregnant), one is currently preggy and always with her hubby, and then the other one is attached to the hip of her boyfriend because she has trusting issues.
i dont want him to just sit at home, because thats not fair. i want him to go out and have fun with his friends, but then its also not fair that i dont have any friends. i use to have a lot of friends before him and i started dating, (we have been together a year now) and now its like where did they all go?
i feel uncomfortable when he goes out because his friends are freggin alocoholics and its like, ok? why do you have to surround yourself with a bunch of alcoholics? im not happy and im irritated, im frustrated etc. I SHOULD be studying for my finals, but im so like mad in general i dont think ill focus, and ill probably end up getting more ****** off when im studying because i dont feel like doing it. you know?
im so sick of sitting home on the weekends doing homework. i want to go out and have a good time every once in a while too. there is just nobody there, or half of the time... anything to even do! when my girlfriends DO want to hang out its extremely inconveinent for me. school is over for me after tuesday, but then im starting a summer class which begins i think the end of may. my friend was suppose to take it with me, but now she doesnt think she can. i feel like im being ignored. i feel like nobody makes time for me. im always broke because the one thing that makes me feel better is shopping... and therefore i spend all my money the day i get my paycheck!
does anybody feel this way? can anybody give me tips on how to JUST CHILL OUT and not get so mad about these little things that litterally, eat me?
i have no idea whats going on in this little head of mine. maybe i am just stressed.... maan i dont know. i feel like such a loser because i dont have anybody to hang out with!!!!!!!
Oh boy, that is the worst case of cabin fever I have seen in a coon's age. Please, please tell me DestroyedBliss that this is a different long distance romance than that horrible one you got out of only weeks ago???? If it is the same guy, then I would say that there was a big element of self-disgust and self-hatred in your rage. You seem to have no real focus for this rage, so you need to track it back into yourself and see what is behind it. A bad social life doesn't really cut it as a cause of so much anger.
no... it is not a different romance. we arent together but for some reason it seems like it. i am trapped.
self-disgust and self-hatred... thats interesting. i dont know where this raging anger came from. like i broke things off with him and then i started to see another guy, and i always thought about HIM. so i stopped seeing the other guy. i didnt feel that it was fair. i dont know what im doing to myself. but everything is becoming so hard for me. im sitting here trying to study for my math final and i forgot about everything ive learned and i am ANGRY. i felt like i was mad at the world. it just builds up in my chest, i can feel in now as im typing. i dont know what to do with myself. right now im just NOT HAPPY. but other times i am. i can be happy one day, rate the happiness like a 16 out of 1-10 yet then another day i can be furious and ill rate the happiness like -6 from scale 1-10. so its like either im really happy, or im super ****** off.
i feel better now that i have typed that. but i dont know whats going on here. i know that he has a lot to do with either me being happy or ****** and its like, how did it get this way! sometimes i just dont care and it doesnt affect my mood, but then sometimes i am so angry i become psycho. by psycho i just mean like i cant control myself. i just want to scream and i want to cry. like its really really bad. this is so aweful to say... but when i hurt that bad i want to hurt him. and i dont like hurting anybody or anything! im usually a happy bright spirited person but then its like when im mad you better get outta my way. you know?
whats cabin fever?
maybe my problem is venting. if i have nowhere to let it out, where does it go? when im angry i cant let it out because i have no where to put it. but i cant just have a private diary because i want people to know how i feel. i want to be heard you know? do you think if i started some kind of public diary/journal on the interenet that could help me? i ask that because i feel a tons better after typing all this, and i know this is not a venting board so i cant do that here.
Hi Bliss, I think that the "no venting" policy here means not coming here for help but just to vent rage. You want to work on your issues so your venting would be to understand yourself. I would think that it would be okay to continue as you are doing. Sounds like you work a lot and just want to play more. I worked through college too and I did a lot of working and less playing! Sometimes when you have to work so much the playing contacts lesson because we cannot spend too much time in that area. It also sounds like you do bottle up your anger. This would certainly bring it to a boiling point. I always found when break was coming up from school that I went from busy, busy, busy to nothing, nothing, nothing, because how can you build up a life when you are so busy with school and work? It was sort of a let down because your life suddenly became nothing. What kind of person (bf) surrounds himself with alcoholics? What's the deal with this shopping addiction of yours? Also, it seems that you focus your anger on your bf a lot?
yeah... i am a pretty busy person, so its like when i have nothing to do im freaking out. i dont know if i really know how to relax.. like i use to go out all the time and party and let loose, i use to have so much fun. now im just blah. im boring. work & school is my life. i dont want to have nothing to do in the summer, which is why im taking a summer class.
i dont know why i bottle up my anger...yet i do think that the reason i have so much anger towards the bf is because we will get in a fight and never solve it. we have the worst communication EVER. sometimes we do fix it, but a lot of the times we just want to forget about what the problem was. but sometimes i just cant forget. i need it to be fixed. so the tension and the anger towards him builds and builds and builds. and when i explode its uncontrolable. very depressing.
i dont want to be one of those girls that blame everything on themself... so just a question... do you think I AM the problem here? am i just so self-centered i dont care about anything else? or like...what do you think?
you see, because i dont think im selfish. i dont feel that i only think about me me me. i dont even know how to make myself happy. i just know that when im sad, i cry. i know when im angry i want to scream AND i want to cry. actually i cry a lot. that seems to be the only way i "let it out". sometimes i just cry and i dont even know where it came from.
this bf of mine surrounds himself with alcoholics because they all grew up together. before i even met him he was a raging alcoholic. hes slowed down quite a bit since we got together. but he still knows that i dont like him being around those people. its not even that i dont like them, they are nice people i just dont like the kind of influence they put on him! if he were to hang out with them, and not have to drink everytime then there would be no issue, you see what im saying?
i think the shopping addiction is because its something that makes me happy. all these new clothes, and new shoes.... make me happy. maybe like it relieves the pain/anger/hurt/etc. for a little while. does that make sense?
Bliss, can you get into counseling to figure this all out? I would be concerned about the shopping addiction. All addictions are to distract you from the feelings that you are not dealing with. You asked if you were the problem. You aren't dealing with your feelings and you don't seem to know what the communication problem is with your bf. I would want to get these things fixed. I would assume you bottle up your anger because this is what you were taught. Either your family did not express emotions or you were not allowed to or discouraged from doing so. I would also be concerned about a bf who has alcoholics for buddies. This isn't healthy. All of this mystery can be figured out if you work on it. You will be glad that you did when you have a better life. Oh yeah, and journaling is a good idea.
Yes, Bliss, I agree with Sannah. A few sessions of counselling will focus you on your issues more effectively, and get you working them out. Keep a journal, plot your moods, and note any triggers and memories that come up when you are angry. Also find out why you are so tangled up in this unhealthy and (I think) destructive relationship. Go girl! Sera
I have to agree w/Sannah; she has a lot of insight into things.
Maybe you should let your bf go; I mean, after all, birds of a feather flock together!
Why surround one's self w/alkies if you're not one? Not very pleasant--unless he's the "designated driver" ...??
Bliss, the work you're doing is to benefit you greatly in the future--but right now you want to have some fun.
You're friends aren't around--or at least, not around ENOUGH--for you to enjoy yourself, so you shop in place of hanging w/your friends.
Some counseling will help put you on the right track.
counseling eh? i can barely afford things i have now. thats going to be impossble.
one thing i have to admit is adderall xr increased my hosility and agression by a HUGE amount... im officially no longer taking adderall (as of today, i went and spoke to my dr today) SO maybe things will get better. i dont know. im suppose to research the adhd meds and tell my dr which one seems right for me but... i dont know. adderall changed my whole being and i really think they are all going to be like that.
i have no stored anger in my chest today. i am just sleepy. thank you guys for the posts.
i dont know what to say about the bf. i know ya'll are giving me your advice and i know that i probably shouldnt be with him, but he is the guy that i love. i love him more than i can ever imagine. and i dont want to be with anybody else.
Seraph you read my posts from before and you are aware of what kind of behavior i was dealing with, but that was what... march? so i will say that he is making noticable progress and improvement compared to the way he was.
i think i may direct my anger towards him because maybe theres nobody/nothing to take it out on? i may put up with a lot from him, but he puts up with a lot from me as well. i mean, he deals with this anger of mine, my random moodiness, snappiness, spoiled, demanding... im not all those at once. man that would be a freakin migrane but he does stick around and i can be a hard female to deal with when im in my own world.
something i will say though. us women expect to find a perfect man. i can describe that in so many words, but ill keep this simple.
men and women are both human, neither one of us are perfect. so that means BOTH SEXES do things to make each other mad, and we BOTH do make stupid mistakes.
this bf of mine has made his mistakes, and he is still learning but he is human, and he is far from perfect. it takes some longer than others to just GET IT. so i am not going to act like i am this innocent girl that stays with this "jerk" for no reason. i have made my share of mistakes, and i have learned from them. yet i still make mistakes in the relationship. he has made mistakes and he is learning from them as well. it may not be the fastest progress but he is making progress and i know that it takes time. about the alcoholic friends of his... he grew up with them. they have been his friends for 20 years. there is no way i can sit here and be that selfish telling him who he can and cant be friends with. so he is going to start controling his alcohol intake. and thats the only thing i can ask for, without being inconsiderate and selfish.
so. theres my little speech.
now if he wasnt making any progress then i wouldnt feel the way that i do. but relationships arent easy. to me its about wanting to work things out. if its something you both want, why cant it be worked out?
Bliss, this is good that you are not angry today! Does your university have a counseling service? If not, you could contact United Way. They fund free and low-cost counseling services. About your bf, these decisions are yours. Many woman choose guys to fix and I hope this is not what you are doing here. You need to make good decisions for yourself not be out to reform anyone. Keep posting.
i will be sure to check in with my college about counseling...
and no im not trying to reform anybody. this guy had a turn with his behavior when something that happen to me hurt him... and out of his hurt he was acting rather rudely. it has taken him a while to get over what happen, which is why i say hes making progress. at the rate he was going it was like he was never going to forgive which is why i called things off, but once he realized that his behavior had gotten that bad he decided that he wanted to be the wonderful guy he use to be. i think he was blind-sighted and unaware of how much pain he caused me... simply because i didnt tell him. it was after a period of time when i just out of no where called it quits and he didnt know why. so we talked about it and that brings us to where we are today.
so that is my explaination. i would never try to change a person from their normal being. which is why i dont tell him who he can and cant be friends with. i dont want to control him, or change him. i just want him & i to be the way we use to before all the hurt. you see?
today was another good day by the way! no agression. not taking adderall xr anymore and i think its been rather beneficial.