I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Im not sure where to start with this or where its gonna go but here goes!
I feel angry most of the time, i have been through a very hard childhood, and my adulthood hasnt been much look either! Im 31 yrs old and had my daughter when i was 19, she is beautiful and well behaved although she is coming into her teens she is a good girl.
This whole anger thing i have decided to take into my own hands, as i have been to see doctors, i have been to see councilers and nothing has really helped. I have been going to the doctors for the last three years telling him i am not depressed i am Angry! He offers my anti depressants and once he gave me a questionaire consisting of 10 questions. First one being do you feel like not getting out of bed on a morning and do you feel suicidle? to me these questions did not relate to my feeling so bloody angry and frustrated all of the time these feelings result in me crying and YES then feeling depressed un noing what the hell to do to fix myself!
My anger is now effecting my daughter who is very aware of how i feel, my partner can hardly stand to be around me and has moved back with his parents although our relatonshpi is still there i cant see it lasting much longer. I shout and scream, i throw things and break things, my head feels like its gonna explode like someone has swithched a button. Anything at all can start me off. My anger spells can last from as little as 5 mins and last as long as a whole day, then it only stops because i have exausted myself. I dred it happeneing and try my best to breath deeply but before i no it i have had a major flip out and cant control it at all what so ever. I wish i new why i felt like this, i wish i could control it. The last thing i want is my own daughter to hate me because of this and i think if it goes on much longer then it will effect her own life when she is older. I have never been without this anger in my life its been there for as long as i can remember, but i can truley say the older i get the worse it becomes and i hope and pray that i will get some peace of mind some day. Just reading some of peoples threads on here today has helped me get over a little outburst i had earlier. Just to no there are other people that have simular feelings and i am not alone has helped me today. 2morrow is a new day maybe ill be better tommorow!
Thanks for letting me vent im sure im gonna be back with more, i could write a book if i new how i think that may help lol!!!!!
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Hi Tizzy, I think that you know what has made you mad about your past. With your previous therapists did you all ever go over this? I think that with processing your anger that you can lay it to rest.
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Hi Tizzy, I don't have advice but I know how you feel. I have had anger issues for as more years than you are old. I've never been on antidepressants because they always trigger migraines or make me feel worse. Anger is so frustrating & debilitating. If I had one piece of advice it would be do not get a partner that is an opposite of you. My DH & I are total opposites & it has drove me to madness for 40+ years. I guess it is mostly my fault but everything he does or doesn't do drives me crazy. I like neatness, he could care less if everything's a mess. I clean up he makes a mess. Maybe that just the way DH are but I can't take it. Surround yourself with people that are a positive for you. Keep us posted.
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Hi there, when you said "The last thing i want is my own daughter to hate me because of this and i think if it goes on much longer then it will effect her own life when she is older..... I have never been without this anger in my life its been there for as long as i can remember...." Well that says quite a bit!I've always been interested in the cycle of what gets passed down. If you notice most of us hang on to resentment (it appears we're locked into it so to speak)-but the chilling thing is, most will never examine themselves enough to go beyond recognizing it; but that means they won't be a contributor in their life time to arrest it. That's powerful.You don't seem to be concerned with just yourself here- the step in breaking it? I've dealt with anger as well and I can tell you that it is as damaging as any other problem no matter where it originates...it doesn't just wear off all by itself.
I happen to be writing... about my background (helps to understand it better?)...and this area or topic is pretty much what I have been zeroing in on. If you don't mind, the way I describe it is like a serum infused upon inception. If you look at it like this it may help to remove yourself from the hold we have on others. Maybe those who have refused to take responsibility back up on the chain for one reason or another found a battle too difficult or challenging? If you think for a moment it's simply easier to distract and spin things a bit than have to personally take responsibility? Well then you come along and your overwhelmed at sorting through the mess...you have to wade through it??? Your anger is in response to all this crap. Don't worry, there is hope but I've said enough for now...Gina-
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Quote:
Originally Posted by gina1064
Hi there, when you said "The last thing i want is my own daughter to hate me because of this and i think if it goes on much longer then it will effect her own life when she is older..... I have never been without this anger in my life its been there for as long as i can remember...." Well that says quite a bit!I've always been interested in the cycle of what gets passed down. If you notice most of us hang on to resentment (it appears we're locked into it so to speak)-but the chilling thing is, most will never examine themselves enough to go beyond recognizing it; but that means they won't be a contributor in their life time to arrest it. That's powerful.You don't seem to be concerned with just yourself here- the step in breaking it? I've dealt with anger as well and I can tell you that it is as damaging as any other problem no matter where it originates...it doesn't just wear off all by itself.
I happen to be writing... about my background (helps to understand it better?)...and this area or topic is pretty much what I have been zeroing in on. If you don't mind, the way I describe it is like a serum infused upon inception. If you look at it like this it may help to remove yourself from the hold we have on others. Maybe those who have refused to take responsibility back up on the chain for one reason or another found a battle too difficult or challenging? If you think for a moment it's simply easier to distract and spin things a bit than have to personally take responsibility? Well then you come along and your overwhelmed at sorting through the mess...you have to wade through it??? Your anger is in response to all this crap. Don't worry, there is hope but I've said enough for now...Gina-
Hi all and thanks all im shocked at my replys i thought id be waiting for weeks for even one...
Today has been a really bad one for me, i have caused a major row with my other half and kicked my door through in the living room, taken it off the hinges and thrown it outside! Although i no its a stupid thing to do and my own fault i still did it. I feel a little better anger wise but totally disgusted in my actions! How do i explain the missing door to my daughter when she comes home tommorow! I am such a idiot!
Gina, alot of what you said made me think deeply, i no i have alot of rooted problems that stem from even before i was born. My father was violent to my mother and all my other brothers and sisters. I am one of 15 children from my father.
My mother was one of 3 women when she met him and put up with alot from him. Fortunatley when i was 2 years old my mum was able to break free from him with me sitting on one knee and a carving knife in the other hand until the police came. Joke is when they did come they would not even arrest him until they seen him strike at my mother. We were both covered in blood my mums lip was split underneath where he had kicked her in the mouth and her teeth punctured threw her lip. For years after that i would not even be held by another man even my grandad whom i loved so dearly.
My mother re married and had other kids, the man she married never treated me like his own and did sick twisted stuff to me that i dont care to mention right now. From this i no that is where i started to go off rails and i suppose i was a angry child. I was Known as a bully at school and people feared me although i think i just stuck up for everyone that was beeing bullied i was branded one. I was always fighting and getting into trouble. When i was 14 my mum said she had, had enough and even though i had not seen my father for 12 years she called him, had him come pick me up and shipped me off to blackpool to live with him and 2 of his women and 7 of my other brothers and sisters. Ill never forget the fear and the silents that came over me on the drive there, somthing i could never put into words. When i got there it was like i was in somkinda other world. My father had told everyone i was not to be spoken to until the morning, showed me my room for the night and shut the door! i was terrified. All night i remember thinking 'hes gonna just come in and kick me about in a minuet' i finally got to sleep in the fetal position rocking until i driffted off. As soon as the light hit the curtians my eyes sprung open. I just waited to here some one else voice hopfully not my fathers. what was 10 minuets must hav felt like hours befor i heard a sound. I heard my little sister ask if it would be ok to see me now. 'Yes' my father replyed tell her to get a wash and show her how things work in the house. WOW i was shocked, maybe things will be ok??? There were rules and regulations in the house what we all had to stick to. Starting with mornings and going to the bathroom in order, keeping towels and flanels in order, washing in detol, making my bed folding my cloths, waiting for inspection before we could even go down stairs. Breakfast time was another set of rules, who sat where, who could eat what, who poured the milk, who washed the dishes, who scrubbed the floors.
On the first day i was there he had to go and work after breakfast.
As soon as every on was sure he had gone it was like everyone took a deep breath and said thank god for that. The sounds of laughter filled the room and my sisters and brothers jumped all over my loving me and fighting over my attention. My older brother told me to come upstairs so their mothers couldnt here what they were saying. They all sat me down and after asking me what i had done wrong at home they told me a few do's and dont's. They told me that dad had asked everyone to be ready tonight for the family meeting about me. They told me how he still beat them and things he did to their mums. Expectations he had from them. There was talk of another sister being close by but they had never meet her yet. I remember thinking to myself i wish i was a grown up so i could take them all away from these nasty things. I knew i could not stay in that house. The family meeting happened anyway and it wernt as bad as i thought just flarred nostrils from him and a slightly rased voice now and again but i think he controld his anger pritty well that day. A few days had passed and then another meeting was called i new this was gonna be a bad one i could see the fear in everyone. He had found out i had been to the phone box to keep begging my grandad to come fetch me. I dont no how he new but i just new it!
He sat me on a chair while everyone was in the room watching, he then got a stool and put it on both my feet and sat on it! He had a hammer in his left hand and his face was evil. Im not quite sure why but i was not frightend but i just felt as angry as he did. he shouted and yelled at me and then from nowhere i just started shouting and yelling back. Im not even quite sure what i said actully. Then he beat the hammer on both of my knees and after offered it to me in my hand. I grabbed it straight away then he yelled and what you gonna do with it!. At that point i turned around to everyone else they looked scared. 'Somthing was telling me right then to just hit him hard in the head with it then he wont cause anyone anymore pain. I looked him straight in the eye, he came right upto my face pointed to the side of his head and said go on if you think you can do it. I threw the hammer to the floor and ran out the house as fast as i could didnt look back just kept running towards the phone box. Phoned grandad and told him what happened just as id finished i heard his car pull up.. My gandad was on the way so i didnt care what he did now, i got in the car and he drove me back to his house, once again a fearful silence. I got back and said my grandads coming im getting my stuff. He didnt atempt to stop me but called me all the names under the sun. Grandad arrived with my stepdad, and my auntie in about 1hr flat. My dad invited them in like nothing had even happened, just kept saying if you take her now she will never learn and telling them they let me get away with to much. Grandad was as red as a tomatoe i could tell he just wanted to lash out but didnt coz of respect for the children present. That journey home i was when i realised that even though i had not grown up with him my father i had got somthing the other children hadnt and probly the worst thing possible his temper!
WOW just read over this and its such a short story to the years that have passed if you no what i mean, maybe this is where all my anger stems from really but how do i no where to begin to stop it?.. There is so much more to this little story that makes me angry just thinking about it.
Maybe this is a start, here on this thread if it is then i suggest you all keep your reading glasses to hand coz ill be here for bloody months lol.
Glad i found this site i think it may work better then my bloody doctor!
Feeling a bit better after this, but am very annoyed at what i have done to my door and my boyfriend probley wont speak to me for a week!
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Tizzy, keep writing, this is probably the best way to get all of your anger outside of you so that you can then just let it go! You were probably a very spirited child with a good fight in her, a survivor. I love spirited folks. I'll come back and read everything you write. Until next time......
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Hi there. Well I've gathered you had a very rough upbringing to say the least honey. On the one hand it's a shame one has to fight and endure these things but on the other life simply comes out of death. I looked outside yesterday and saw a lovely Lychee tree, maybe about a foot tall growing right out of the soil- pig crap mixed with the earth. It has the potential to grow and bear beautiful tasty fruit though.
What you've done amounts to hurting yourself because you don't want to distance the ones you love right?
It makes me sad my life in many ways was perhaps wasted by the way I struggled so...but life indeed came from all that pain...a legacy you might say I could in turn pass down.
What comes to mind from what you've described is fear..hidden somewhere because anger is an attempt to control others and the situation at hand. It's quite effective for a time but wouldn't you rather be free and not contend with this burden? It's also an emotion but if there is really a way for you to be released (I believe this of course) then you can spare your offspring by breaking up some of the fallow ground....
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Dear Tizzy, I read your story and I was moved by your plight. I know myself that anger is only protection from unbearable pain, and things that trigger your spells are caused by something getting too close to your painful buttons. Though it can be frightening, anger keeps a lid on all that sea of pain you carry inside you. Sannah is so right - keep on writing. When you blow up, as soon as you can, write down what was going on for you and what buttons you think were being pushed and so on. I think you will find that you know a lot more about what your anger is protecting you from than you think. Keep writing here, there is so much support from wonderful people here. Best wishes, Sera
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Morning, afternoon or what ever it may be, Thanks again for all the support people, makes me feel quite emotional to think i dont even no you all and that you have all taken time out to read my words....
Well i never had much sleep last night after my whole madness yesterday and i have woken with a headach and the reality of my actions. I ask myself how do i feel? Well i feel like crap and i feel angry with myself. I no how i acted was totally wrong and am dreading trying to explaine myself to my partner ill be lucky to even speak to him today i upset him so much.
I just wanna tell you alittle bit about myself and what my life is like at present. I see what i wrote yesterday and am shocked all of that came out of me.
Ok so, Im a 31 year old single parent i juggle 3 jobs, i call myself a mulitasker... My mother is disabled so i look after her do her cleaning take her where she needs to go, as my other 2 bro's and my sister dont pull there weight and still act like there 10yrs old. Infact my daughter helps her more then they do. None of them work at all and have only kept jobs for weeks long! They have all been spoilt and my mum still gives them money and a roof over there head. 2 of them still live with her and one of them doesnt age's 26,25 and sis is 21.
I have alot of friends around me from all differnt walks of life, from rich to poor. My closest friends i here from every day, they call me with their problems and i am able to listen and somtimes help in there situations. One of my friends is in a bad abusive relationship right now and calls me every morning at 9am to tell me what has happened to her the day before. I dont mind this but somtimes i dont actully speak at all untill its time to say goodbye its just yes, no, noway! I must have at least 4 people a day calling me with their problems, i feel bad to talk about my own, and because mine dont seem as surfaced as theirs its easy to listen, somtimes it makes me feel good for the day if i have helped. My close friends no alot about my childhood as most of them were there through some of it. They all no about my step father and my father and they all no how many kids hes got and how violent he is.
While i was trying to get sleep last night i was thinking about the things i had wrote and i got to thinking about, where i had written that i think my anger must have started before i was born! I really wonder if this is possible and that this is where the problem begins in the mothers whom? Maybe all her stress's and all the times my father hit her while she was carrying me, her fear, her anger? I have heard people speak of things like this before but i have never really thought about it this deeply. maybe it can really happen that way, and the cycle of life begins even before you have taken your first breaths. When i did manage to take my first breaths i came early into this world 8 weeks earlie and for the first six weeks of my life i was in a incubator because i was barley bigger then a bag of sugar.
My mother tells me storys of her time in hospital with me. Those days were quite tough for a women with a mixed race child. Then nurse on my mothers ward wouldnt let her hold me, the nurse had even changed my name to sophie on the ward and said my real name didnt suit me. whats all that about! Eventually the doctor came to visit mum and mum broke down say she hadnt even held me yet, the doctor marched her to where i was and put me in her arms or hands, she said the size of my head fitted perfectly into the palm of her hand.
Mum also told me about my fathers visit to the hospital when i was born, he just never nos when to stop does he! Apparently he seen me and said i was not his child as i was to fair in complection. He got violent in the hospital acusing her of cheating and was adament i was not he's. Security were called and my father was escorted from the premesis. Mum said this was a good thing coz she was able to go back to nan and grandads for a while when we left the hospital....
Ok guys i no that this probley dont make any conection with yesterdays story but im afraid i dont think ill be writing things in order im just writing and writing, feels good though! Ill be back to continue my jabber later.
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Im back already and im so friggin angry with myself, my fella called me and he has said he thinks we should stay away from eachother for a while untill i take steps to sort myself out. I didnt tell him about this coz i think he would think im stupid! I totally agree with him but feel furious at the same time and rejected, even though i no its for the best. I can see myself sending him some nasty text messages and making things even worse. Why would i even think to do that its sad. I hope i dont text him and i hope this feeling of guilt or rejection or a mixture of both goes away instead of making me act like even more of a total **** Argghhhhh!!!!
I have spoken to one of my friends today who has helped me alot by listening, she has offered me help of a counciler that has been helpful for her and her problems, she has offered this before but because of bad experiences i have had with shrinks in the past i never bothered, but she gaurentes me this lady will help me. Im gonna give it ago... Im not gonna stop writing here though!
Another thing that is getting on my nerves today is the state of my own bedroom, i feel like opening up the windows and throwing everything out! Im sure my room reflects on the way my mind is, a total friggin mess! Dont get me wrong im not a filthy person or anything, if you came to my house even though i aint got my door in the living room everything down stairs has its place and is clean and tidy, but upstairs is a mess so i dont let no one up there. I dont let my daughter have her friends upstairs either and thats sad coz she is always staying over at her mates and asking for her mates to stay. I really need to adress this i think it would make me happier and it would definatley make my daughter happier.....
My head is real busy now im thinking all kinds of stuff non of it making any scence and all because my bf has done the right thing in making a decision not to see me. I feel emotional and am now wondering how long this spout is going to last untill my anger takes over and i flip again. See i no its gonna come and it aint even happened yet its like im on my defences to myself fighting myself. WHY!!!!
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tizzy76
My mother is disabled so i look after her do her cleaning take her where she needs to go, as my other 2 bro's and my sister dont pull there weight and still act like there 10yrs old. None of them work at all. 2 of them still live with her.
My closest friends call me with their problems and i am able to listen and somtimes help in there situations. One of my friends is in a bad abusive relationship right now and calls me every morning at 9am to tell me what has happened to her the day before. I dont mind this but somtimes i dont actully speak at all untill its time to say goodbye its just yes, no, noway! I must have at least 4 people a day calling me with their problems, i feel bad to talk about my own, and because mine dont seem as surfaced as theirs its easy to listen, somtimes it makes me feel good for the day if i have helped.
i think my anger must have started before i was born! Maybe all her stress's and all the times my father hit her while she was carrying me, her fear, her anger? The nurse on my mothers ward wouldnt let her hold me, the nurse had even changed my name to sophie on the ward and said my real name didnt suit me.
Ok guys i no that this probley dont make any conection with yesterdays story but im afraid i dont think ill be writing things in order im just writing and writing, feels good though! Ill be back to continue my jabber later.
Tizzy, do you feel a little overburdened taking care of your mother (when your sibs don't work and live in the house!) and then listening to your friends problems all the time? Maybe some of your anger is coming from this? Maybe you would feel that it is more fair if you do discuss your issues with your friends too?
Yes, I agree that babies are aware in the womb. They can hear and they become attached to their mothers in there. Babies already know the voices of their parents/sibs when they are born because they have been listening. This has been proven with studies. When my first was born everyone in the labor room was talking but when my husband spoke our daughter immediately turned her face to him. She recognized his voice! When your mum's adrenaline was surging from fear, anxiety and anger you felt that in there too. I remember when I was pregnant and I felt my blood sugar drop. You know how awful you feel when that happens. Well my daughter gave me one swift kick when she felt it too. She hardly ever moved or kicked either.
That is really bizarre how the nurse changed your name.
Don't worry about writing things in order. I think that it is best to talk about whatever is bothering you at the moment. We can follow along just fine.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tizzy76
she has offered me help of a counciler that has been helpful for her and her problems, Im gonna give it ago...
Another thing that is getting on my nerves today is the state of my own bedroom, i feel like opening up the windows and throwing everything out! I really need to adress this i think it would make me happier and it would definatley make my daughter happier.....
Therapy is very helpful. I speak from personal experience.
Yes, cleaning up your upstairs sounds like a good idea. You will probably feel much better afterwards. You are in the cleaning out mode now! Cleaning out your head, your heart and your upstairs!
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Third day in, still had hrdly any sleep. Some vile things are coming out my mouth this morning! Aint got much time to write coz i gotta go work and pretend to be all nice with my clients! somthing i could really do without! Ive got up noing its new years eve and i feel like killlin someone! I can tell you how my dayz gonna go after work and it aint gonna be good. Im feelin bex today at my partner, yes i lost control the other day, but he has told me he will support me. Where the **** is his support then? keeping away from me is that being supportive coz it feels like he is taking me for a idiot. I wont see him now again until all the festive **** is out of the way and hes had his fun. After that he will just expect me to be ok and us to pick up the pieces through a quick shagg. This good feeling only lasts a minuet dont he no things like that solve nothing. I cant keep sweeping things under the carpet! Am i wrong in being angry in him not being here for me now when i feel my most low. is he right staying away from me until he is ready?
Gotta go and play friggin listener again now yipee. My life is so friggin false!!!!!
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Ok so im on day four now and its supposedly a happy new year. Hope you all had a good night last night. I loaded myself with valium and slept the whole night away lol! Just wish i didnt have to wake up today in this same house same flippin routine!!!! Had no calls or messeges off my so called BF, still nothing! If anyone asked me today how do you feel i would definatley say depressed with anger brewing underneath!!
Not only him but everything in my sorry little life right now seems to be going from bad to worse. I wish i could learn to let things go instead of walking round with this feeling all the time i hate it!
Today should be a day for family right? well i have told you all about my violent dad. Because of him i dont get to see half of my family. They wont have anything to do with me because i speak to him, little do they no i only speak to my dad to get information about them. So were back to this again....
After i left my fathers house that day so long ago in blackpool. I never knew until years later i found out the day that i left my father beat both of his women and one of my brothers got it really bad too. This was because of me.
I feel awful coz when i was leaving i promised to keep intouch with my b&s and i didnt. I think i wrote one letter with photos, im sure they never recieved it. I do no though that my mother wrote father a letter saying lots of bad things that she must have wanted to get off her chest for many years. Years later it came to light that that letter also caused beatings and violents.
Years passed and i never heard anything from any of them not even father.
by this time i had had my daughter and done alot of living and growing up.
I tryed making contact with my dad, i wanted my little girl to meet her aunts and uncles. He did welcome us and we went to hes for the weekend. My eldest brother had also had a baby a little girl. So it was really nice to see everyone again.
They had all grown up even though i could still feel the fear in them. Being carful what they said and did while he was around. I can just remember him cutting the lorn while the kids were actully playing for once in the garden. He my father seemed to be tearful. When i asked one of his women what was wrong with him she said 'he is overwhelmed with his grandchildren' Huh! he wernt gonna get one minuet alone with my daughter!. They explained to me how he had changed and that things had been ok for a while. So that weekend stay was kinda a quiet one. I still did not feel comfatuble enough to be myself or let my daughter run around being herself. I could tell by peoples reactions to things if somthing was wrong the didnt have to say a word only giv a certan look. On my third day there i was starting to feel restless, in my heart i just wanted to ask him why he was the way he was with us.. I knew i could never ask those questions.
That day i had a call from my friend saying her and my other mate were coming over to blackpool for the day they said if i wanted i could come home with them instead of my dad making 2 journeys to take us home and drive back again. So thinking this would be easier i said yes. They came and got us and bought us home. I felt no way about it at all and tought it was all cool.
I had a call from father when i got back a few days later telling me what a selfish person i was and how much i had upset my B&S going home that day, he called me a pig and said i was no daughter of hes! I didnt sleep for a few nights after that thinking how this could have caused him to be violent to them again.
More years passed by and then i recived news that my fathers grandmother had died, she lived quite close to me so i seen her as often as i could, along with some cousins i seen now and again and my fathers brother, whom i always wished was my own father.
Arrangements where made for the funeral and the day had come to put my great grandmother to rest. I was late attending the church because of my partner being such a drip at driving and he took us to the wrong church. When we arrived grandma was being buried. I was so upset that i had missed it. I looked around at my brothers and sisters and none of them would even look at me. The rest of the service finished and we all made our way to the wake. When we got there dad had already arrived and seated, there were 2 seats left on that table and being his daughter i thought that the seats were for me and my partner. The feeling of hate and anger that day could almost be touched in the air. Not one of my brothers and sisters spoke a word to me and he didnt even look at me. It was horrible and trying to deal with the loss of nan azwell, i was bubbleing inside my feet were itching to go. I dont no how i managed to sit there until the end it was crusifing. All my B&S looked so scared to even speak to eachother. I made a effort to speak to them but it was made very clear the were not allowed to talk to me. That night i went home and sobbed and sobbed, for losing the love of my grandmother and i also felt i had lost the love of my B&S's. There was nothing in my power i could do, there was no way at all i could get to talk to them to tell them i loved them. Mostly there was nothing i could do to save them. I never tryed to contact any of them again after that day i thought it just pointless and all my efforts did was break my heart more.
I think it was around 3 yrs later i took my mother to see my dads brother coz the hadnt spoken for years. He wernt the one that really did the talking anyway it was his wife. Her and my mum got on well always did, so when they met up it was like they had 15 years to catch up on. To be honest i wish i wernt there coz i heard all the stories that day of my mum getting battered by father at nightclubs in carparks, shopping centers. In great detail. I think even mother herself had forgotten some of it. My aunt then went quiet and asked us if we had heard the damage father had done to my sister for not passing her tests at school. No was our reply we hadnt heard anything for years. She went on to tell us that he had beaten my sister so badly she was in intensive care for some time. At this point i got out of the chair and ran to the toilet to be sick. I remember mum coming in rubbing my back asking if i was ok. I turned to her and asked why and how he could do these things, i thanked her at that point for not letting me live like that. She held me tight and said NO ONE should have to live like that. NO ONE! At that moment i didnt quite no how to feel one part of me thought thanks to mum for getting me away and the other part wished i could have been there maybe i could have done somthing to stop it.
Back in the living room my auntie said to me you can go upstairs with your cousins if you like you dont have to sit through this. I felt like a little girl again, but no i said to myself im a big women an i need to no i need to here this and respond to it i think i was about 25 or 26 at the time. She carried on with the grusum story about my sister, this time her mother had finally got an injunction out on him to prevent him going with in yards from them. Because she had done that the other one of his women were very close to eachother, (if you remember i said previously they were eachothers support system). She also had the same injunction out on him. This was such a positive thing i slightly smiled, thinking at last they are free! I also wondered why i had heard nothing from my eldest brother telling me about this or just calling me to say he had gone from there life. I questioned my aunt and asked if she had heard anything from my B&S's. She said no and tryed to explaine to me that they were prob to terrified to talk to anyone right now that associated him with them. I understood this kinda, but was upset as to why noone had been intouch. As far as my aunt knew they hadnt seen him for several years, and had barley had any contact with him therselfs.
All that was running through my mind now was, i hope they really messed him up and i hope the police locked him up. I still dont no the ins and outs weather he got locked up or if the story was correct or what happened i dont think i ever will no.
I left it for another year, nothing! I had now meet my current partner who came and swept me off my feet showed me love i had never felt, as my previous relationships with men had ended up violent. This is another story i aint going into at this point. But yeah he came and saved my heart, i really thought he was or is the one, so gental loving and all the things i needed in a man!!!! He got to no me pritty well quite quickly and he was very interested in my past sittuation, he questioned me all the time about it and tryed to get me to deal with it by firstly taking me to see some other brothers and sisters from my father over in preston nr blackpool, there were another 2 women that way that had children from him 2 of them i had never met and were still very young, the one women took father in after everything that he had done or she didnt no what hed done at the time. This women had 3 children at the time off him youngest being 3 yrs now she would be 10yrs old....
Anyway, when we got there it didnt take me long to realise she was in a serious sittuation with him herself, i dont think it was as bad for her as the others to any extent, one because i new her brother was a police officer so im sure that somwhere he would have been reall carful to where his anger led with her. Thats what i thought!..... My visit there was lovely to be fair, my boyfriend said he had never seen me happier he could tell in my face he said how much i care about them. I didnt get to see father and i was bloody glad to be reall coz after all these years and all those feelings i wouldnt have known how i would of reacted and i was my own women now with a child and my partner, he could not have made me feel the way he once used to. Scared like a tourcherd little animal!
More time went past after our visit and my father had anounced to my uncle that he had got married, thus to his most recent women who was barley a few years older then me. Remember thinking what a big mistake this women had made...
Not long after that i had a nock at my door! It was him, he was not alone either he had 2 very big black men with him one standing either side of him, **** a brick i thought what the hell is all this now had he finally come to kill me???? He smiled and cuddled me, he said i hope you dont mind me turning up like this with my friends but they have come to support me, i am trying to make amends with you my children....... HUH WHAT! am i dreaming this or is it reall, im gonna wake up in a minuet!
I invited them in being my polite self offered them all a stiff drink coz i needed one myself. His friends sat down in the living room while my dad summonds me to the kitchen. He told me he had just come back from Jamaica visiting his brother who he hadnt seen for 43 years! He told me my uncle was a well known preacher over there and his time there had made him realise the error of his ways and the things that he had done to effect other people. I couldnt believe i was hereing these things it was crazy. I thought this the perfect oppitunity to ask about my other brothers and sisters and if he had seen them. He said he didnt want to go into that right now and what was important was i forgave him for things he had done to me and that he had missed me being in his life and wanted to see his grandaughter grow up. This completley changed my mind set. He was trying to pull the wool over my eyes here! I said again very clearly 'do you see my B&S's he replied no i havnt seen them for 10 years, but i see some of them meaning the ones that lived in preston. I then went on to say why not, thinking he may say somthing truful, no not him hes just full of it. He made up a story telling me there mothers had done him out of alot of money and then got rid of him. To be honest i wasnt shocked at the crap coming from his mouth coz i had heard so much bull from him over the years i dont think he new hisself when he was telling the truth. I started to blank most of what came after that. After he left i thought of lots of different reasons why he would come to me that day and not them. The best reason i came up with was that, coz he didnt do as much physical damage to to as them i was a easy target for him, to try and minipulate into believeing his finding of God or the errors of his ways! Really he had other plans in his mind for me as i was about to find out in weeks to come........
Thanks for listening guys im gonna leave it here right now, ill come back and finish up later. Thank you for just letting me get this crap out and dont think i dont here your replys its just that by the time i come to reply there is so much other crap there.. I do appreciate your time you take out.
I think im gonna go and have me a big glass of baileys and watch tv for a while, whilst im feeling quite calm now.
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Sorry Sannah, i didnt see your message i was in to deep writing lol, im alot better today then the last 3 thanks, my body feels tired like i have been running for days but im ok....
How are you? hope your new year was a good one xxx
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Im back for a while, just wanna finish that bit off coz i cant stop thinking bout it.
Firstly id like to just say Sannah if i get to tell you in detail of some of the abuse he did to them i think you would want to put a hammer at him just as much as me.... I wish id have done it that day then there would have been no more.....
After that day my father had come round to mine, i couldnt get my brothers and sisters out of my mind, every day i thought and wondered about them. Im quite spontanious at times so it was just a matter of time until i went to look for them> He kept in contact with me after that day, he also made amends with another sister of mine in preston, so us two came back into contact again that was nice.. Im one of the eldest so i always loved showing that and taking her out having her over to stay weekend and spoiling her. She is a very big girl so had a hard time with being bullied throughout her childhood. So i tryed to make her feel as special as i could when she was over, got her hair done and her nails propa girly things. This sister had been fortunate not to feel the strngth of my fathers hand az yet. But even though she had not phisically been abused by him. The emtional and mental abuse he gave her about her weight and other things was pure evil. He used to call her a fat ugly pig and tell her she was lazy. It took her a long time to open up to me about some of the stuff he'd say but, she said sometimes she would sit on the stairs and listen to him lay into her mum about her weight. She said when he started shouting she used to run upstairs and cuddle our little brother until she fell to sleep. she said she thought dad had hit her mum a few times but never actually seen him do it. He was very good at hitting where noone could see, or he would pinch, or bite even strangelled my mum once to shut her up. So i had began at this point to build a graeat relationship with my sister and finaly i was able to get to no my other baby sister and my brother the same age as my daughter. It was'nt long before i got the itch again to start asking questions... to his ther women... about what she new about my other brothers and sisters. My current boyfriend took me over ther to see them and i could tell this women was a bit selfish to my B&S she seemed more concirned with him and having his tea ready and all that usall crap. She bosted about how much money he gave her. When i looked in the cupboard there were just lots of tins of tuna fish and bottles of tomatoe sauce. Very strange! when i say alot i mean more then 10 or 15 of each? It wernt long before i seen that she was telling me lie after lie. He was taking her money not giving it to her! I remember going on shopping trips with him n the other part of the family and his eye for bargains and saving money for hisself. Her crap didnt wash with me at all i could see right through her. That night just topped it all off she had bought in lots of alcohol and you no what they say! The truth comes out when you have had a drink. Whilst i was there that day father had come to see us all, he was his usuall self butter wouldnt melt! Such a gentalman! While he was there he made a few nasty comments to my sister where i felt like getting up and nocking the nasty **** out! i kept my cool coz he gave me the impression he was trying to make me and my BF feel a little uncomfatble anyway. I played him at his own game that day i cant explain the feeling it was like being so calm but being ten men inside ready to explode. My patients payed off and he finally left off to another women no doubt........
Really now people i wonder when he ever got the time to work??????
That night thus her women got drunk, i mean really drunk, i was quite sloshed myself but i knew what i was doing and saying. I also asked her how she could let my dad say nasty things and let my sister here it. I told her to get rid of him and think about the future of my sisters and brothers. She broke down on me telling me more nasty horrible stuff about him and things he did. None of it shocked me it just wound me up more and made me think she is even more of a ***** noing she is putting up with it. She told me how she loved him and couldnt live without him she said she wanted another kid! That was it i exploded she couldnt be right in the head to want another kid with him really she was a total ****. I new i would never visit that house again in my eyes she was just as bad as him. Thats how i looked at it then anyway. now i now she was just another one of his victims. That weekend i didnt go home i made my boyfriend drive me to blackpool straight from there. I had come to the stage where i needed to go and see my older brother and my other b&s just to see them just to no how they were doing, so thats what i did. I didnt have a adress i just remembered the estate and the number of the house they used to live in. We took a few wrong turns but we got there in the end. I was so Excited to see them i almost weeeed myself. I didnt no what to expect or what to say, who would answer the door or if they even still lived there. I was the nervous i had ever been in my life still up untill this day. None answered the door, there was noone there! I looked through the livingroom window and could see photo;s of them in there uniforms and one of all of them together smiling. I cryed a little tear and knocked again incase none had herd me. Nope there was definatly none in the house so, we sat in the car for around half hour incase someone returned. Then we made our way home after an eventful and emotinal weekend. Then another oppirtunity cam up to go to blackpool with my BF parents, fantastic i though i can try again..............
Gotta go but ill be back real soon to finish this part up, im gonna try and cathch some zzzzz's night night xxxx
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood. Shouted nd screamed at my daughter over the smallest of things. Ended up both crying, i calmed her down apoligised and took her to her friends for the day. Got home and called the doctor for a appointment to see him, i never ever wanted to go on anti depressants again after last time it took me a long time to get off them and thats all the doctor keeps offeing me. Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!
So where was i anyway oh yeah, my boyfriends folks invited us to blackpool to stay at a caravan site just over the road from the estate where my b&s lived. I couldnt wait i was all excited again. Got all mine and my daughters stuff ready, pulled out a few family photos and we were on our way....
The first day we reached there, i couldnt wait so i asked my Bf mum if she would keep a eye on my lill one for half hour so i could firstly go over and see if everything was ok, i didnt want to take her there and for them to turn us away infront of her..
As me and my fella drove round the corner of the estate that day i had a horrid feeling this time not a feeling of excitement atall my tummy was in bits and i felt like crying before i even got to the door. We reached i went to the door this time my bf came with me, i could here voices and laughter, very different from all those years ago. I nocked the door and a little girl answered about the same age as my daughter i new this was my brothers child she had grown so much and when i looked into her eyes i could see parts of myself staring back at me. She didnt even recognise me as her aunt i dont think she just shouted after her dad, my brother. My brother came to the door and looked horrified to see me, he looked behind me asif he was expecting my father to walk up the path. I said dont worry im on my own. He sharply glarred at me and said. What do you want here? My heart dropped into my stomach and i felt my eyes fill up with tears, i fetl my boyfriend sqeeze my hand as to say keep calm. I just wanted to see you all and no how you were, i have missed you all so much, can i come in so we can talk??? No he said your not welcome here, i dont think anyone will be pleased to see you. Has he sent you? No i replyed im staying over at the caravan park where we used to play as kids in my bf parents caravan, i went on to tell him i had come before when i was over but there was noone in. He told me that i could try and come back later after he has spoken to everyone else, to see how they feel about seeing me. His word were we will have to call in a meeting to see what everyone thinks about you coming here, you may cause alot of bad feeling! I swallowed hard and said ok thats fine, i dont want to cause any trouble for any of you, i am not here because of father i am here because i want to see all of you. At that he shut the door and we got back into the car and drove back to the caravan. I was so upset i could hardly breath it was like some one had a elastic band round my lungs, i couldnt even speak i just cryed hard. My bf put his arms round me and said, dont worry bab everything might be ok when we go back.
I couldnt concertrait on anything else all day, it was like waiting for a prison sentence.
The time came to go back and i was more terrified of what they were gonna say then even the fear of my dad. The worst thing that could have happened , happened. I knocked the door and my brother answered, he did not smile or crack his face at all. He looked at me and said no on wants to see you i have spoken to them and they said no. At this point i could feel the blood and anger filling inside me. Why not i said what have i done? he replyed we just dont want anyone outside of our circle in our life anymore, we dont need you! I just want to see you i said please dont do this to me, can i see my sister please i havnt seen her for so long i just want to look at her. He shouted her name and told her to come to he door.. The reply was sick! I dont want to see her she said tell her to **** of she is extended family and i dont want to see her! I closed my eyes bit my bottom lip and walked away from the door. I heard my bf say thanks for the help to my brother and he followed me. I heard the door slam shut and then i broke down. What had i done? why was they some angry with me? Why was this so difficult for me to handle>? The next day because my fella new how upset i was he took me to see the others again in preston, it made me smile for a few hours but didnt take away the pain from the previous day. I came home that weekend thinking im still not gonna give up on this, surly one day the will want to see me or come looking for me? They will never no how much that day broke my heart because i will never get a chance to see them.
I didnt give up, i just left things for a while, then i made another journey to blackpool and ill tell you all about next episode. Today writing this i have had so many feelings and emotions, it really upset me writing this, bought back all of those feelings again, but better out then in thats what mi nan says......
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tizzy76
Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood.
Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!
Tizzy are you feeling bad (as you described above) because you are letting all of this story out or did you feel like this before (or a different sort of bad)? No, I'm not getting bored!
I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to! 
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to! 
Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to! 
