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Old 01-06-2008, 05:47 AM   #1
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Angry Angry and don't know how to handle it.

This is likely to be long-winded, so I apologize. I'll try to keep the reading clean.

In my house it was considered rude and inappropriate to express anger. My parents NEVER fought when I was growing up until they split up when I was fifteen. Also something I'm still angry at 10 years later. My parents would send me to my room if I "mouthed off". That was the Worst. Punishment. Ever. I would sit in my room, so explosively angry, just sitting on my bed twiddling my thumbs and sobbing like the little girl I was. I would have rather been screaming and throwing things, but that wasn't allowed. When I was feeling very brave I would throw a soft stuffed animal against my bed so it didn't make any noise and they would have no idea that I had thrown something. I understand my parents position in raising me this way. Nobody wants a bratty child. I was never bratty for it, either. My parents never beat me. They didn't abuse me. I got spanked on occasion. I got sent to my room. Got privilages taken away, but I was always terrified of making them angry. I was always sort of wussy like that.

This continued on through my school years. People would make fun of me, and I wouldn't say anything back because, a: I wasn't clever enough to be funny, b: I couldn't think of anything to say, and c: I knew if I acted angry they would only laugh at me. I showed up to the two fights I was called out on. I could have gone home the other way. I could have avoided the fight by hiding. Instead, both challengers were no-shows. I always wondered if they would have laughed at me less if they'd known I was there to take them down. Maybe quiet little me was more of a fighter than they were.

I always play the piece maker. My heart actually palpitates at the barest hint of displeasure being expressed.

I am angry though. I have been angry my whole life and it's not going away with time. Instead it's building. My dog is afraid of me. He's always been weird and skittish anyway, but I've never been anything but sweet to him and he crawls on the floor when he's around me now. He looks at me like he doesn't trust me. I need to fix my methods of handling anger before they overwhelm me and I do something really stupid.

I needed a place to go where I could say everything that I'm angry about, without judgment.

I am angry that my dog simpers around me when I love him so much. He's like a child to me. I am angry that my home is a mess, but I have too much anxiety to lift a finger right now to clean it. I'm waiting to receive my medications.

I'm angry at my father who left me when I was fifteen under the pretense that it was better for me. He had been nearly the perfect father up until then. He drank, but wasn't an angry drunk. He made me and my mom laugh. He played with the animals. My 4 year old best friend had the biggest crush on him and was determined to marry him when she grew up. Of course, she also ate dirt. But my dad left me with my mother who has Lupus, fibromyalgia, gout, stroke, seizures, major depression (didn't set in until he left), and was on all sorts of medications that changed her behavior. Three weeks before I was 15 I became a mother to a disabled 47 year old. I lost the rest of my family in that mess too. They didn't see that I needed help. They were only worried about my mom. I'm a little angry about that too. She was very sick at the time, so I don't blame them too much.

My father left the state, but told me not to tell anyone he was going. That lasted about an hour and a half, when I broke down in the middle of a family dinner and I felt so guilty about telling, even though I couldn't keep it in. I think he was drunk when we had this conversation. I tried several times to tell him how angry I was and how awful the situation was, but he just told me to grow up.

I met my future husband shortly after that. We got married when I was 19. We couldn't have liquor at our wedding, not because we were underage, but because his alcoholic mother would have consumed it all. I'm angry about that. He was an abusive sorry excuse for a human being. I'm angry about that too. I thought I could handle it. Eventually I just became weary and wanted out. A messy divorce followed that still isn't finalized because he dragged his feet. Angry again.

To this day I rarely yell or even raise my voice. If I do raise my voice I am still polite and always say exactly what I mean. And then I get walked over and people say that I never tell them what's on my mind. Upon making an effort to yell they understood that I just don't yell.

Here's my current dilemma though, if you've made it this far; my slumlords want my partner and me out of the apartment that we're in because we don't keep a tidy lawn, as far as I can tell. They're pushing us out by raising our rent astronomically and demanding things that it's not even legal for them to demand. We have come up with a game plan and I'm not too worried about the schematics of that situation. I am worried about my emotional issues. I am angry in a white-hot way. I am having dreams about screaming and yelling and crying and beating on people, because I'm so angry and it's not coming out any other way. I want to be polite and take the proverbial high road, but I've taken the high road all my life and I feel like poo because of it. I still feel angry at those people and I feel like I've never told them what I was really feeling. My base question is: Do you think I should contact the slumlords and tell them what asses they are and tell them where they can go, or should I let it ride out in silence again?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

 
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Old 01-06-2008, 06:23 AM   #2
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Hi Cookie, so sorry for what you had to put up with while growing up. I will get right to what you asked for in your post. The way that I look at things that make me angry is 1)is there anything that I can do about it?, 2) is the cost of doing any of this higher than the return?, 3) if there is nothing that I can do about it I have to let it go and do whatever I can.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:28 AM   #3
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Hmmm... Sannah, I think I missed making my point as clear as it could have been. I am pretty sure that anything I say to them will have no benefit as far as the whole eviction thing goes. They're on that and there's nothing I can do but play the game. I want to know, maybe from personal experiences, what do you think will happen if I call them up and "give them a piece of my mind". I doubt that they will change their actions much. It might even make that situation a little worse. But do you think I will feel better for having done it?

Of course, I may have expressed myself clearly and not understood you. Sorry.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:40 AM   #4
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by likesacookie;3376***
I am pretty sure that anything I say to them will have no benefit as far as the whole eviction thing goes. They're on that and there's nothing I can do but play the game.

what do you think will happen if I call them up and "give them a piece of my mind". I doubt that they will change their actions much. It might even make that situation a little worse. But do you think I will feel better for having done it?
So this would fit in to my #2, would the cost be higher than the return? If you get upset at them what will be the cost and what will be the return for you? Sometimes letting anger boil over is worse than telling yourself that there is nothing that can be done here and I shouldn't waste my time letting myself get all upset.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:44 AM   #5
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Oh, okay. Thank you. I will certainly think on that. Perhaps I will get everything in order first and then give them a piece of my mind. Pay them the ridiculous money they demand, or move out, or kiss their butts and then inform them that they smell. You get my drift. I'm a little loopy. I've been up for days over this.

If I decide to do something about it I'll post. I still welcome any other suggestions or comments. Thank you!

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:46 AM   #6
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Do you think that your anger sort of piles up on top of any new issues? Do you know what I mean? You are angry about this latest incident but all of your past angers come out with it in one big blob?

Yeah, keep us posted on how you do with this.

Last edited by Sannah; 01-06-2008 at 06:47 AM.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:55 AM   #7
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Completely. This has happened and it's gotten me thinking about every person who was ever mean to me since gradeschool and trying to figure out if I've done anything to deserve it. Then, upon deciding that there is no deed I could have done to deserve this kind of horrible treatment, I go right into homicidal anger. I'm embarrased to admit that actually. I would love to see that woman dead. I know I won't do anything, because I love my dog and my partner (in that order. DP can take care of herself, dog cant.) and wouldn't want to be taken away from them. I feel like the world is a truly bad place and too many people are evil and cruel and vindictive. It makes me want to put an end to the vindictiveness... if you know what I mean...

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:56 AM   #8
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

But for the record... Liability and all... I'm not going to kill anybody. I'd like to, but I won't.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 06:59 AM   #9
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Cookie, I doubt very much that you did anything to deserve any of this! I think that people really don't realize how much they can affect people. There are some who are angry or distressed or whatever and when they affect other people they are doing it on purpose so that they can feel better themselves. I look at a lot of things in life as they just happen and there wasn't this big master plan. They happen and now I have to deal with it and I have learned how to deal with so much in my life.

So I guess what you want is revenge on these people because you feel so powerless? Guess what, you aren't powerless. You were just raised to believe that you are powerless but this was wrong and it is incorrect.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 07:13 AM   #10
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Sanna, that struck me as really deep. I'm going to think on that a while. I suspect you are 100% correct, though. I will think on this and try to figure out where my power is. I mean, certainly it's under the carpet in the form of dead fish, but that's a little mean. ;-) Besides, I don't want to become the terrible person that they seem to think I am. I want to prove them wrong. My house is a mess, which is part of their complaint, but there is no damage. There is no reason we shouldn't get back most of the deposit. I've already decided that getting the deposit back would help me to feel better, and telling them what losers they are would help with the rest of it. I'm just wondering if something besides a confrontation would help, too. Ya know? Maybe you can think of something to get my point across without a big angry screaming argument?

 
Old 01-06-2008, 07:17 AM   #11
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

I gotta go Cookie, I'll check back here every day and see how you are doing.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 07:28 AM   #12
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Re: Angry and don't know how to handle it.

Thanks so much. I may not be on every day, but I will be back. You've been a huge help. *HUGS*

 
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