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Old 02-01-2008, 08:06 AM   #1
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Family member losing marriage due to anger

I have a family member, who's wife has just left him, due to his anger issues, and a problem drinking. She is the best thing that has ever happened to him. She or we /family, cannot talk to him, he just doesn't see it, or won't see it, he is just giving up. Can anyone help him ?

 
Old 02-01-2008, 09:16 AM   #2
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

I'm really sorry your family is going through this. But to answer your question, I think that he has to help himself before anyone else can. I don't know much abotu this, but I didn't want your post sitting alone. I hope you find some answers...have you tried to really sit down and talk to him calmly, liek not talk at him, but with him. Figure out why he's always so angry, why he feels he needs to drink, and then maybe suggest a counselor or a religious leader to talk to?
Good luck

 
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Old 02-01-2008, 10:04 AM   #3
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

Send him here to talk...

 
Old 02-01-2008, 10:12 AM   #4
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

Quote:
Originally Posted by cvoor View Post
I have a family member, who's wife has just left him, due to his anger issues, and a problem drinking. She is the best thing that has ever happened to him. She or we /family, cannot talk to him, he just doesn't see it, or won't see it, he is just giving up. Can anyone help him ?

anger issues and a drinking problem make me think borderline personality disorder. Sometimes we think anger is the problem, but it's only the symptom of a much more serious problem. How can anyone help him? He has to do it himself. He caused this situation and now he has to deal with the consequenses. Sorry if I don't sound too sympathetic, but I have found myself with someone with anger issues and a drinking problem also, and i also left that relationship. Can you honestly give a good reason why his wife should stay? A good reason for her......not because she's the best thing that ever happened to HIM

 
Old 02-01-2008, 02:02 PM   #5
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

Yes, several family members have tried to talk to him, me included. I told him he should talk to a professional, or his pastor. I've also thought maybe he has a bipolar issue. I'm not sure what a personality disorder is. But your right about his wife, she can't stay, for her sake and for her kids. He just wants to run away from it, and I told him, he will have the same problem in his next relationship. Other people have notice the anger issue, including the pastor. He just won't see it, blames other people. I told him until he sees he needs help, no one can help him, he must do it himself. He gets mad when he finds out we have been talking to other people about this, whether it's family or the pastor, who mentioned he noticed it along time ago. Why can't he see it, after everything that has happened, with his family, her family, our family, the neighbors he has gotten upset wtih. With her and the family leaving him, you would think this would be a Wake up Call, it would be for me, why can't he see it, he just wants to move and get away, just let her go, doesn't even want to try, I can see why she's givin up on him, she has tried time and time again. It's very aggravating dealing with someone like this. He calls himself a loser, and that he is meant to be alone, you can't talk to him, he's loud, and he only talks when he's drinking, he closes up when he's sober. He also mentioned in anger, he wants to get away before he sees her with someone else. He won't respond to her in any way, doesn't answer her calls, gets mad when he does not hear from her. She is moving out, and from the sound of it, I think she's done with this.

Last edited by cvoor; 02-01-2008 at 02:10 PM.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 02:22 PM   #6
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

Also, you have to be careful what you say, he gets mad easily. Doesn't like teasing, gets upset over the little things. Hard to deal with.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 09:00 PM   #7
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

I would bet MONEY that he's got BPD, borderline personality disorder. I would usually urge someone to get away from that relationship, but in the situation where he is family, that's not as easy. In that case, I'd like to suggest a couple books for YOU to read.....just so you understand it, but I don't expect you reading these books will help with his behavior. Remember you can't change someone else, but you can only change your reaction to them. One of the books is called "I hate you, don't leave me", and the other one is called "stop walking on eggshells". You might want to also check out the personality disorders board for more info.

 
Old 02-01-2008, 10:33 PM   #8
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

No one can help an alcoholic. I am sure someone has told him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous at various times so but he has to do it himself. Some can get help and some do not.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 07:44 AM   #9
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

Yes, he won't admit he's got a drinking problem, says he's cut down, makes excuses for drinking. Those two books sound interesting, I'm going to read more about BPD, and also check out the board on this, and ask questions over there. I wonder if professional help would be the answer, if only he would go. I will ck out the BPD board, thank you for all the helpful info.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 01:49 PM   #10
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Re: Family member losing marriage due to anger

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Originally Posted by cvoor View Post
Yes, he won't admit he's got a drinking problem, says he's cut down, makes excuses for drinking. Those two books sound interesting, I'm going to read more about BPD, and also check out the board on this, and ask questions over there. I wonder if professional help would be the answer, if only he would go. I will ck out the BPD board, thank you for all the helpful info.
drinking as well as anger are a couple of the symptoms of BPD. they aren't the problem in and of themselves. BPD is hard to treat, for one reason because the sufferer seldom admits they have a problem, everything is always everyone elses fault. From what I've read here, therapists tend to shy away from a true BPD patient because suppossedly there is really no cure. It can be managed. There are some good people on the boards, TRG247, PriLily, Nakita and some others who are ACTIVELY managing it. They are managing it because they are not in denial about it, they want to get better, and they are working their butts off constantly. They put in over 100% effort into their recovery. These people are on one end of the spectrum and people like your relative and my ex-boyfriend are worlds away on the other end. It's not something that will come easy, and the first step is admitting there is a problem, and it doesn't sound like your relative would be willing to do that. That's why I suggested those books to you, so you could understand and protect your own best interests. You won't be able to fix him.....no one can, but himself, and I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. Sorry to put it to you that way, but I don't want you beating your head against the wall and second guessing yourself.

 
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