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Old 03-28-2008, 03:55 PM   #1
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new here and need help

same old extreme, violent, screaming and destroying methods... destroying my life around me and so much of it makes no sense and nobody believes me when I say I am sorry any longer. I want this to end. I have been "using" red-hot outbursts of rage for 20 years+ when triggered, obviously it has ruined most of my life. Time to get well or there's no hope.
Much of anger occurs in home, rage directed at my wife, not physical, but I have punched holes in walls, thrown phones, slammed doors, and lastly, just purposely ran a disc grinder across a brand new walnut hardwood floor I just spent $1500 on and a month of hard work to install. I feel it is the way I perceive comments as "attacks", the way i perceive comments as incredibly harsh criticisms and I EXPLODE. my thought process when I get angry is "You have a problem with me doing __________? Think you can do BETTER??? THEN DO IT YOURSELF"
I know we all need to accept some criticism, but I have a huge problem accepting ANY

 
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:30 PM   #2
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Re: new here and need help

Hi 7, I could see how this would cause a lot of problems. Were your parents critical?

 
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Old 03-28-2008, 04:42 PM   #3
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Re: new here and need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hi 7, I could see how this would cause a lot of problems. Were your parents critical?

I think so. I don't like the blame game but yes I think they were.
At a young age I fell in love with cars, I think at around age of 6
When I was seven or so I received a scale model of a V8 engine, made of clear plastic, so once built, you could see all the internal parts whirling around... well it was supposed to be a father-son project, and it started that way, unitl one day I came home from elementary school early, excited to work on engine, and decided to "go at it alone" and do the next steps building it, wanting to make dad proud. Unfortunately, I seized up the pistons in the block, rendering the parts immovable. Later that night he wanted to work on it, and realized what happend and crushed the model into shards with his fists and screamed at me and threw the whole thing in the garbage.
My mom hit me with a wooden spoon if I couldn't read words she presented me with (pre kindergarten)
Once I did get a cr of my own, at 17 or so, I found I loved tinkering with it, and it always happened, dad would come home from work and find me with wrench in my hand and start making comments "you dumb A**...what are you doing, you'll never get this son of a B*** back togehter right....you're gonna ruin this car and ask me for the money to fix it!!!!" Well that never happened, in fact 21 years later I still have that car and I have done 99.9% of all the work in restoring it.

Last edited by 7jr0; 03-28-2008 at 04:43 PM.

 
Old 03-28-2008, 05:09 PM   #4
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Re: new here and need help

7, I am sorry, you deserved much better than that. That just isn't fair. I didn't have the best upbringing either but I was able to turn that around as an adult. It really isn't the blame game. These are the facts of what happened to you.

 
Old 03-28-2008, 06:27 PM   #5
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Re: new here and need help

Hey 7, I hope you come back. I just realized that when I said that I turned mine around that maybe you took that like you didn't do something right? I'm sorry. I just frequently tell others that there is a way out of this stuff.

 
Old 03-28-2008, 11:31 PM   #6
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Re: new here and need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hey 7, I hope you come back. I just realized that when I said that I turned mine around that maybe you took that like you didn't do something right? I'm sorry. I just frequently tell others that there is a way out of this stuff.

I'm here...no problem... I'm trying to iron out a lot of stuff... thanks

 
Old 03-28-2008, 11:43 PM   #7
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Re: new here and need help

worst part of this is how my bitter anger has decimated my marriage. My wife is a shadow of herself now when we are together and guess what, that makes me angry, it is an unending circle of misery

she is afraid to say anything to me in fear I will take it wrong and react in rage

 
Old 03-29-2008, 05:07 PM   #8
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Re: new here and need help

So you are angry about the consequences of your anger? Are you angry at yourself or at your wife or.....?

 
Old 03-30-2008, 02:19 PM   #9
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Re: new here and need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7jr0 View Post
same old extreme, violent, screaming and destroying methods... destroying my life around me and so much of it makes no sense and nobody believes me when I say I am sorry any longer. I want this to end. I have been "using" red-hot outbursts of rage for 20 years+ when triggered, obviously it has ruined most of my life. Time to get well or there's no hope.
Much of anger occurs in home, rage directed at my wife, not physical, but I have punched holes in walls, thrown phones, slammed doors, and lastly, just purposely ran a disc grinder across a brand new walnut hardwood floor I just spent $1500 on and a month of hard work to install. I feel it is the way I perceive comments as "attacks", the way i perceive comments as incredibly harsh criticisms and I EXPLODE. my thought process when I get angry is "You have a problem with me doing __________? Think you can do BETTER??? THEN DO IT YOURSELF"
I know we all need to accept some criticism, but I have a huge problem accepting ANY

 
Old 03-30-2008, 02:27 PM   #10
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Re: new here and need help

Hello,

I used to become angry at the flip of the switch also - but never hit anything just yelled until I got my point across. My yelling came from deep disgust. One morning I woke up and said to myself - I have to change. It sounds as if you are ready to change. My approach was not counciling just an awarness and when I feel the blood starting to boil, I count to 10. You have to advert the anger and counting to 10 in my head works for me. It has been about 10 years now and my trigger points are almost extinct. I take people and situations for what they are and try to appreciate when someone questions my whatever. Sometimes my switch flips but I now know the signs and can advert the anger. If it still bothers me, I step away and get some air.

Hope this helps. - Good luck. The first step is recognizing that you want to change.
You will be surprised how great you will feel - do'nt be afraid to start today.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 04:19 PM   #11
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Re: new here and need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
So you are angry about the consequences of your anger? Are you angry at yourself or at your wife or.....?
I think it is the assumptions I make in my head, but not 100%.... I think my anger is also partly based on interactions betweeen the two of us. I know I have an extreme anger problem at work as well. I know I have been an angry person for over 25 years (I am 37) and while the urgency of anger does indeed sometimes work, it is getting old. I wouldn't say I get angry at consequences, I more so get depressed from consequences.

It is when somebody questions the validity of decisons I make or the quality of work I do. That is when I lose my cool. It will start with foul language, belitlling, threats, then I pick things up near me and destroy them or throw them or kick/punch through walls and or doors. It always seems like I say "you think _________ is bad? WATCH THIS!!!" and then bang! broken wedding picture, holes in drywall, doors ripped off hinges, etc.

I want to learn to communicate to people that I don't like what they are doing to me but without vocal abuse, without foul language without destruction. I know the same things may upset me but I want to handle them differently. Maybe even learn to not let them bother me at all.

We have a baby coming May 29, and I only want the baby to know unconditional love. Not fear.

 
Old 04-02-2008, 01:45 AM   #12
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Re: new here and need help

The first step to healing is recognizing that you have a problem and wanting to change. Nothing can stop you at this point and the only person who can do that is you.

Just gathering from some of what you have been writing, it seems as if the way your parents related to you when you were a kid, impacted you deeply. Do you think that your anger is the suit of armour that you put on to: prevent your feelings from being hurt, prevent the hurt because the hurt reminds you of past painful memories, stop people from doing or saying things that make you feel unimportant or not good enough? When you get angry and act out, what is it that you are trying to stop?

You wrote about what goes through your mind when you get angry. Those are triggers, your hot buttons. Make note of your body responses next time when you think like that. Notice how your emotions heat up. If you react with outbursts a lot of the time, it eventually becomes an automatic response. That is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned. Some people can do it on their own but most people need help from others.

Do not discount or be ashamed at getting help from a counselor. Yes, it hurts our pride to let our vulnerabilities show. A lot of my friends who have issues with anger can attest to this: You can fight tooth and nail to keep your sense of pride in tact but at the end of the day, it is terribly lonely when all you have left is your pride...and regrets.

Keep talking about it. It will help more than you realize. Best of luck to you.

 
Old 04-02-2008, 10:41 AM   #13
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Re: new here and need help

most commonly, I would say it is being treated with a lack of respect and consideration that sets me off.
Again, it isn't just my spouse.

Just this morning, I was cut off twice on my way to work. I really don't get why people are so blatantly RUDE. I don't mean to honk my own horn here, but I make every honest effort to be safe and considerate when driving. When other drivers discount the fact that they are piloting 3,000lb + of steel, iron and glass around and that we are all just water and soft tissue, and drive like wild animals.... then I get VERY ANGRY. When I receive poor customer service I get frustrated and red hot. Have you noticed how few retail establishments hire polite employees? I can count on one hand how many reatil clerks have said "thank you" at the close of a business transaction in the last few months. This sheer lack of consideration, appreciation and respect will always, ALWAYS send me into a rage.

 
Old 04-02-2008, 10:51 AM   #14
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Re: new here and need help

By the way,
I am working with a psychiatrist and a MFT counselor. I am undergoing some work with DNMS therapy, and have been prescribed dosages of Zoloft and Tegretol. I am not ashamed to speak to someone about this. I have been working with my psychiatrist since summer of 1998.

 
Old 04-02-2008, 02:49 PM   #15
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Re: new here and need help

Do you feel that you are getting results from you psychiatrist? Do you "click" with this person? I only ask because if you are not seeing progress with them, then it is time to seek help from another professional.

And yes, there is a terrible lack of customer service. Plus a lack of Please and thank you. One of my mothers last comments before she died was how few people said please and thank you any more. And how many people are quick to tell you it isn't their fault.

You mentioned that you have a baby on the way, My best wishes. Only you can decide if that child will grow up in a cherished home full of love and and praise or in a home riddled with anger and sarcasm and taunts. Children learn by example. What example do you want to set?

 
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