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Old 04-13-2008, 12:25 PM   #1
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jean711 HB User
Angry Blew Up

Last night I let my husband have it. We are moving and he has been almost NO help. I've cleaned, packed, donated, threw out stuff and more.... most of it myself. I've been upset for a while about it but never said anything. Last night after a few margaritas I let him have it about-everything and the kitchen sink---I called him names, I accused him of not helping-not contributing enough financially and he's gonna take my money OK some of what I said I believe but the way I told him was awful.. He is so hurt... he is a sweet man and if I asked he probably would have help more.... he works with the disabled and is good at it. He does pay the bills....
I don't understand why I got soooo angry about so much stuff.. How do I fix it ... This has happened once before about a year ago.. Help me understand -what should I do????

 
Old 04-13-2008, 12:44 PM   #2
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Re: Blew Up

I am guessing he knows you have a short fuse when you have been drinking so stop it or just apologize and tell him you will work on biting your tongue off instead. Alcohol of any amount just never makes things right and I won't have it in my house nor do we go out to drink there is no point to it. There are so many other productive things you can do to unwind.

 
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Old 04-14-2008, 04:37 PM   #3
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seta37 HB User
Re: Blew Up

Well... it sounds like you may have some good points... but!
You said it yourself that you never said anything...
If he is indeed the sweet guy you say he is... just ask!
Most men have no problem with being TOLD what to do! (sometimes you can't ask! WE FORGET!)
So it seems like you may have some self-confidence/image problems if you aren't willing/able to communicate.

It takes A LOT of effort for you to tell him even small things, right?
FIGHT IT!
My stepmom is like that... she has to tell my dad ANYTHING that I do that might upset her, and then she explodes, and it's absolutely repulsive.
That's why I couldn't stay there.

For whatever reason, you feel like you can't talk to your man.
It could be that you have a bad image of yourself... or him... or both.

Has he ever reacted violently to anything you've told him?
Does he get defensive or uncommunicative?
Does he intentionally hurt your feelings if you ask him things/try to talk to him?

If you can answer "yes" to those... then HE needs some work.
If "no", then it's you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but that's the way it is.
I don't mean "let him have it" whenever he does anything wrong, but try to be proactive.
If you feel angry or strained because of something... just tell him.
Say "honey, I'm kind of upset that you don't help me do this"
And leave it at that... don't think about it any more or less, and don't try to explain yourself.
Chances are... he'll ask questions in return.
And chances are, if you just ask him (or tell him) to do something, he will.

 
Old 04-16-2008, 11:44 AM   #4
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Re: Blew Up

Jean,

I'm a +20 retired AF wife and we moved 8 times in those years. And my hubby needed a baseball bat to see what needed to be done. Men are just programmed different that women.

If you want help from him, the silent treatment isn't going to work, and neither is expecting him to just automatically "know" what needs to be done. That's like expecting your preschooler to be able to cook dinner for the family every night.

What you are going to do is to say "dear, I need to have this done by______." Then set a time that is generous enough for the task. If there is no big rush, tell him so. If it is a priority, tell him and tell him why.

Give him a choice. Just like you give kids a choice. Do you want broccoli or brussel sprouts? Give him a choice of tasks. Then it is his to own and do.

For the move-you need to tell him you can't get this done alone and you need his help to get everything packed up to move. Could he please pack up.......... You get the picture.

Try this and you will find that you spend less time arguing and more time getting things accomplished. It took me several years of marriage to figure this out...and I'm a social worker to boot!

Good luck. appologise and give him a big hug and kiss.

 
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