anger= the wrong tools
when your car broke down did you feel like kicking it out of sheer frustration?
if you did kick it, did you sigh deeply as you realise you have added another problem...the dent made by your boot.
you see using anger is never the right "tool" to use to solve a problem.
but yet we learn to use it very early in life and some of us never realise we are dealing with problems in the wrong way.
i still use that "tool" despite knowing that it does not work problems out but more often than not it just makes things worse.
where did i learn to use that "tool"?
i honestly dont know?
my dad used anger as a tool frequently but like me and all of you that use it, it didn't solve the problems facing us.
this morning i lost my cool while speaking to a person on the phone...i screamed and used the f word several times...the person asked me to refrain but i refused to stop...the end result?
the person hung up on me, leaving me without an answer to the question i had phoned about.
now that was not the fault of the person i was speaking to...it was my fault...because i used the "tool" anger and thats why the call was cut short.
now it was within my ability to stay calm but i choose to get angry when i felt i was not getting answers that satisfied my questions.
i feel really troubled in myself now and as if i didn't already know, i have to face the truth which is i have a problem with getting angry.
and like most people when i am angry i tend to use foul language which of course to the reciever it is like being given a plate full of uneatable food which is why people tend to show resistance when bad language is hurled verbally at them.
what makes things worse is that i am completely aware that i should not use the "tools" of anger and foul language
but i still do.
it shows a lack of self control on my part and a lack of respect for the general public
because if i speak in a bad way to strangers even if i feel i have a legitimate reason, it still shows a lack of respect to the person i am speaking to.
and i admit that i am disrespectful to people.....if i could log everytime i have said something disrespectful to someone it would fill the largest library in london.
i cannot and should not carry on in that way but i can't seem to help myself.
would anyone like to join me in a task to see if i can last one week without swearing, shouting,screaming, or being disrespectful to anyone?(and that includes god believe it or not) yes i even curse him with foul language when i feel frustrated by a problem...i suppose you could call it blasphemy.
so you see i have so many reasons to feel troubled and i really dont know how to unburden my conscience?
how many years of repentance does it take to wipe out a lifetime of anxiety?
i think i can last a week but i dont expect it to be easy and i'll know that i will need a "reminder" to help me put myself back on track if i ever slip up during the week?
i have to start somewhere?
if that one week could become 20 years i would be relived to know that at the age of 41 i finally decided to start learning to use the "right tools" in my life.
and when i start to see the positive results i would hope i would cling to using the right "tools" for the rest of my life.
as for my blasphemy against god?
well, only he can forgive or punish me for that?
but that is something i also want to overcome because he doesn't deserve being called vile names everytime something goes wrong or a problem crops up that causes me frustration.
again it is the using of the "wrong tools" that i keep resorting to.
ultimatly i am sure he would like to see me make progress
in fact i'm sure he would be happy for all us in that respect.
one more question?
do you think it is possible to learn a nice vocabulary in the sense of rooting out all the f words and the c words and in fact every word that causes offence or hurts someone's feelings?
i can't help believing i would be setting my goals too high and the chances are i would fail?
isn't it strange how we learn bad language from early on and we keep as it were within ourselves as weapons of defence when we get into a argument or whatever?
we would never carry a knife as a weapon of defence but we carry words that wound and pierce the hearts of each other.
and just like a knife carrier gets into trouble frequently.....likewise we get into trouble with the weapons of our tongues.
for example i was fired from my job because i used the c word to a member of the public.
a decade earlier i asked a friend what is the big deal about the way his door was rung?
that almost cost me my life...i ended up with a bruised elbow after being hit with an iron bar.
so you see the "wrong words" hurt and always gets a bad reaction.
yet i still have not learnt my lesson because up to this morning i used "wrong words" to someone..the person i spoke to on the phone and to god(whilst i was fired up with anger i called him some hurtful names)
one thing i know about myself is that i am a slow learner...it took me years to learn to read the time.
it took even longer to know my left foot from my right
as well as knowing the difference between left and right.
also i could not count money.
so those early years of mine were spent in ignorance and fear...the fear of people knowing i could not read the time or know the difference between left and right?
my father's method was to teach me by setting me what would now be simple tests but at the time i could not pass the tests because i was ignorant.
so i was shouted at and beaten too for my ignorance.
but all the time i had the potential to learn, it's just that the time was not right.
we would never take a cake out of the oven half cooked would we?
noone would want to eat it.
likewise if i had tried to get a job and yet could not tell the time or count money, the employer would reject me in favour of the man or woman who can.
the opportunity to progress is always there as long as i have learnt what the right tools are to get on in life and have the wisdom to use them throughout my life.
anyway i hope to read your thoughts and your experiences
and please support me in my task for next week.
i also suffer from essential tremor and i panic easily
so everyday things like just going to see my doctor is a real challenge.
in fact i have to see my doc on monday and already i am worrying about it.
not that anything bad will happen, but i just tend to worry alot and when i worry i panic and when i panic my mind gets jumbled and i start thinking i can't walk through the door.
ok bye 4 now.
Last edited by wrongagain08; 08-09-2008 at 05:16 AM.