I have been reading the forums for a few days, and today I decided to join it so that I could post something myself. Maybe get some advice from others.
I'm 20 years old, I don't consider myself to be an angry person, but after whats happened to me for the past few months. Its kind of hit me that I am, or I have become an angry person. I was in this relationship with a girl for two years, since I was 18, and we were going very strong. I considered myself to be at the start, a very in the moment person and a happy go lucky type of guy. She was a very sensitive person, from the start. I had probably taken special care of the fact that she was very sensitive to what people she loved had to say to her. So I was careful about what I said to her so that I don't hurt her. We were going strong for about a year in our relationship until the time came where she left to a different country to finish off her studies. I remember at that point of time, before she left, I was very supportive of her. I encouraged her to do it, because rationally at that point of time, academics came before our relationship. I was willing to let her go. I used to even lightly tease her about the fact that she may find someone else, and she would leave me all alone. All this was said in good spirit, and we shrugged it off as another passing moment in our lives.
Now since the time she left, I had gotten into a bit of depression because I missed her a lot. Since I had started going to a new university myself, it took me a while to find my feet with everyone in the crowd. So I guess the easy thing to do at that point of time would be to get closer to my own girlfriend(who was also having a tough time adjusting). So once long distance started, I used to bare my heart out to her, tell her everything. But after she had come and gone a few times to meet her family and me, I started becoming the angry irritated person I am right now. I had found myself resenting the fact that I got into a long distance in the first place because I started becoming jealous and obsessive. I had even at a few times created a fight just so that she doesn't leave the house for a party or something. I had realized that after 6 months in the long distance that I don't think I'm capable of being the not jealous supportive boyfriend I should have been. So I told her we should break up. She was heart broken. But seeing her sad, just made me think twice. Maybe I should have tried harder, maybe I should have done more. Maybe it was my stupidity that isn't allowing this to work.
So I had asked her back, and I said I will try harder to make it work. Now at this point of time, about one and half years into our relationship, I had began to resent everything! Everything wrong in my life, directly or indirectly became her fault. At one point, I had become very controlling of everything, I did not want her to do a lot of things, I wanted her to spend time with only me.I even at one point of time blew up so badly on her, where I cursed her. I totally lost sight of her feelings and yelled at her. I was at that point of time very disappointed at myself and I made a pact with myself to vow to never let it happen again. I was sure I wasn't the jealous guy or the angry guy, but I feared I had become one. she had in this time come to town, and was all ready to go. I was very upset at the fact that she was leaving again, so much so that I shut off from her completely. We again fought a lot, over the silliest of things. I broke up with her.
You can call me fickle or whatever for this, but I had missed her terribly and asked her back. I made a terrible fool of myself. All she said was that your not the same person you were to me before. You've become this angry monster. This statement affected me so much. I questioned myself, and I realized. I had become this angry jealous person. I feel terrible for messing up her life, because I know that she didn't deserve that. I have apologised to her, but she hasn't accepted my apology.
Right now, I find myself to be so unsure of who I am. I have shut down totally from the world. I feel like my friends are ignoring me because I've shut down like this. But I somehow cant let myself go, I can't seem to trust anyone, because if they get to know the "real" me. They would find out, that I am this horrible person. I cant seem to get over this fact, to such an extent where I cant get over the feelings of hatred more over to myself than towards others. I feel like I'm going to implode and explode at the same time with this rage I'm keeping inside of me. Its not even funny. I personally cant understand how I could let my rage get the best of me.
Am I really that angry monster? Should I change myself?
Firstly, you are not a horrible person. You are a good person who has gone off the rails emotionally and seen some aspects of yourself that have been very confronting. This is always a shock, when we really see ourselves as others must see us, and it usually results in shock and shame. You may have lost your relationship. It will take a lot of convincing her that you are not going to be that person again. First you must know it yourself. Something in the situation triggered feelings in you that you must have felt before at some point. Think about your childhood. Did you ever feel frightened or abandoned? Have to deal with a loved one dying or going away? The fact that these very strong negative emotions came out of nowhere makes me feel that some very powerful buttons were pushed. This was childish behaviour, and I don't mean that as immature. It was a child's response to being left behind. I think you would do well to investigate what this may be, through some personal work, so that this tape won't play out like that again. Sera.