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Old 04-05-2009, 09:41 PM   #1
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Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

growing up my parents were bad alcoholics. I moved out at 15 and never looked back. I have grown to hate anyone whos drinking. So bad so that people that I care about, if I see them drinking I loose any sort of compassion or feelings for them. Ive left a close friend and my only family member stranded and walking for hours to get home, and I didnt feel bad or guilty about it in the least bit. All because they spent the night drinking. I completely ignore them while drinking, I cut them off completely and wont go anywhere near them. Theyre basically dead to me while drinking. It just infuriates me massively. At some level I feel like its not logical to think this way, but i hate it so bad, that I hate myself for even thinking that. In my eyes Drinking is the most pathetic sad disgusting thing a person can do. I cant help it, I just have the worst feelings for people whos drinking, no matter how I feel about them normally.

Id love it if anyone can provide any advice, this combined with social anxiety, and I can forget ever getting close to another human being again. Let alone find a steady girlfriend.

Its hard to explain how much I hate it without sounding crazy. Im not sure what I can do or what anyone can say to me. In my mind im 100% in the right, but at the same time, this really affects my life, but at the same time, I cant help but to think "well whos this cutting out of my life? Drinkers? good riddence".

 
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Old 04-08-2009, 12:14 AM   #2
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Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

Oh wow. This is a more extreme version of me.

My dad was an alcoholic from the time I was about 4 years old till I was around 14. I'm now 30 and he stopped over half my life ago, but...for many years (and still now I guess), I've had dreams (nightmares) that he's started again, and I have really bad memories of some of those times during my childhood. He was NEVER physically abusive to me or my mum (I'm an only child), but he was really emotionally abusive to my mum. Never to me. I'd have preferred he directed it at me, but oh well.

I don't think I resent him at all. I love him dearly and am SO proud and relieved that he stopped. I feel terrible that my mum (and I guess me too) had to go through it all thought, but I'm glad she stayed with him. I think I learnt a few things too early though, like my mum would tell me some things (not everything), like she'd apparently talked to my aunt many times about being ready to leave him, and he said once he hated her for everything he ever loved her for. I was 11 when I heard this, and very confused by it. I still feel sick in my heart when I think about it. My only sort of consolation is that he was drunk when he said it, and hopefully didn't mean it.

Anyway...and as far as I always knew, I was fine with drinking in other people. I have been drunk many times myself, and it's ok. I've never thrown up, passed out or done stuff I really regretted when drunk, so I think that's pretty good. I hate the taste of alcohol so don't tend to drink at all most of the time. I was always fine hanging out with friends who drank or who were drunk. Didn't bother me. I had a good time.

But now. My partner. We've been together for 8 years, and all is great, except I CANNOT STAND when she drinks. She doesn't drink a lot, she doesn't drink to excess...all she likes is to have 2 glasses of wine with her dinner when we go out on Friday nights...and then later on (and on Saturday nights too) she might have a bottle of cidar.

Sometimes, if she's particularly tired or hasn't eaten beforehand, even just those 2 wines will give her these...eyes. Her eyes, they go SO similar to how my dad's used to go when he'd been drinking. She sort of looks through you...as if both eyes are going in slightly different directions. And her voice changes too. The way she speaks I mean. She's not as focused...she sounds more...weird. Not slurring at all. It's hard to explain. And she sometimes repeats herself. I CANNOT STAND THIS.

Anyway, whenever she gets like this, and I KNOW that logically she has done NOTHING wrong...but I just cannot stand to even be around her! I literally sometimes have begun to have an anxiety attack about it. One time when she was actually fully drunk (one of 2 times I've ever seen her drunk), I freaked out, was crying, shaking uncontrollably, I threw a glass in the sink in an effort to get her to see how upset I was...I got into bed at 9pm and stayed there in an attempt to avoid her...she got in with me, not sure what she'd done wrong, and I freaked out more, I couldn't bear to have her even touch me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and it made me sick...ugh. It was a horrible night. We were staying in a hotel in a city I wasn't familiar with, and had to get home from the bar in a cab, and I was scared cause I felt completely alone (because she wasn't herself or properly in her own head), and then she took ages getting out of the cab and almost left her wallet on the seat, and I sort of barked at her "YOUR WALLET!" and then walked off. She got it and stumbled after me. We had to cross one not busy road and I felt terrified she might get hit by a car or something but at the same time I kept walking, not able to be with her. That tore my heart out. It's always been the same...with my dad too. I felt so torn. My mum was being hurt by my dad...the 2 people I loved most in the whole world, you know? I felt so, so bad for my mum of course, but it hurt me to see my mum so angry at him as well.

But everytime she gets even a bit...different in the eyes or the way she speaks, because of the wine, I don't like it. I tense up, I don't want to be around her, and I have absolutely NO patience for her. If she repeats herself, I say something like "Yes, I know! You said that 5 minutes ago." and I roll my eyes at her. I'm quite cruel, and it KILLS me because I love her so much, but for some reason I just switch off and go cold and I cannot get back the normal feelings of love I have for her at that time. It's really bad.

As soon as she becomes "herself" again, I can barely even remember how bad I felt earlier. I'm back to normal again...

I hate being like this, because it's not even anything she's doing wrong at all, you know?

For me, I think it's an incredibly mild and sort of chronic / long lasting version of post traumatic stress disorder...*sigh* Not sure about you, but it could be a similar thing.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 01:52 PM   #3
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JewelryJulie HB User
Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

Perhaps I am stating the obvious, but there are many people that do not have a "problem" with alcohol but rather enjoy it with a meal--similar to someone liking milk with their cookies. If you can look at it in that way, perhaps you might start the path of dealing with your anger. You are passing on the feelings towards your parents, who obviously abused or neglected (same thing) you on others--which is itself abuse. Do not repeat the cycle. (Is this in any way helpful?) My intentions are to be helpful. I hope I have been.
Julie

 
Old 06-28-2009, 11:35 AM   #4
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rontiss1 HB User
Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

Hi:
As far as kindergarten I can remember my dad being a complete out of control drunk. He was a functional alcoholic. He worked at an extremely hard job for many hours. Afterwards, he and his crew would get drunk. Then he would come home and create hell with my mother and me. He beat my mother up almost every weekend. He beat me several times as a child. He had this uncontrollable rage inside of him. He would smother me with a pillow as a child. I can remember it as if it were yesterday. I vowed I wouldnt grow up to be a drunk like dad. And here I am going to A.A. for support. I havent drank for 14 years and I am 61 yrs old. I cant have one drink because then I want to drink ad infinitum. Now, I know there are programs for people who have close friends and family members who are alcoholics.

Those programs are there for anyone that needs them.

In sobriety,

Gilbrt

 
Old 06-28-2009, 02:23 PM   #5
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robf123 HB User
Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

I recommend trying to spend time meeting people in bars, pubs, etc. so you can get to know these people and that they won't be as bad as you think. I'm not recommending that you drink yourself, however.

 
Old 08-11-2009, 09:20 AM   #6
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Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

You're in a black and white view of drinking. I dated a drinker who was verbally abusive and off the wall - and then the nicest person in the world when sober. After I ended the relationship, my antenna was sky high looking for the next drunk that might enter my life. I won't get involved with men that have even the slightest problem with it nor will I be friends with people that abuse it. I've been there - done that. Having said that - I have friends that socially drink and I don't have an issue with that. I do have huge issues if someone thinks that they can drink and drive.

You need to find your grey area that doesn't throw you into such anger simply be being around people that drink socially. People can drink without being drunks and acting irresponsibly.

 
Old 01-21-2010, 10:25 AM   #7
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Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

You could probably benefit from therapy, or going to ACOA (Adult Children of Alcholics) or Al-Anon (for familes of alcoholics). It never goes away. You will never get over this, but you can learn how to deal with it better. Maybe you can channel your rage into something positive, like members of MADD or SADD. They're making a big difference in the world.

You were forced to grow up in a disgusting, dangerous environment because of alcohol. Don't try to snap out of this mindset. You're angry and will continue to be angry, because you know what alcohol can do, and you get mad at anyone who seems to be too stupid to know what you know. You are hyper-aware, and most people are not.

My mother is ACOA and she never got over it. I never expected her to.

 
Old 06-12-2010, 09:27 PM   #8
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Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

Been kinda feeling similar lately. I've never really had any issues with alcohol or drinking/drinkers before. No one in my family or anything was an alcoholic or anything but I've known since probably grade 8-9 that I never really wanted to drink; because of the way my classes we're set up I had the exact same people in my homeroom from grade 7 to 12 and most of them turned out to be parties and drinkers and also they we're all a big group that I was pretty much the only that didn't fit into. So from the "war stories" they bragged about after every weekend, my lack of desire to try drinking turned into a solid resolve not to.

So I overheard the stories and didn't think much of it cuz it didn't concern me. Now, a year ago I meet an amazing girl and fell in love (year ago yesterday and not going away soon xD) but she's a year older then me and therefor legal before me. In about the month before her birthday I kept feeling anxious about it and I guess fearing she'd change like the people in my class had once they started drinking. She hadn't drank before about a week before she was legal; we were together at her place and her older brother brought us in a drink. She was eager to try it and me not so but I had some so she didn't drink the entire vodka cooler thing by herself on her first time. We had about half each, I felt absolutely nothing from it but she was drunk. I didn't really mind until she started feeling... frisky... I didn't want to do anything but I still felt fine and no matter what I'd feel like I took advantage if we did anything, well this lead to her getting extremely ****** at me and a pretty awkward rest of the night.

Next day, things got better and everything turned out pretty well as she's not a heavy drinker and rarely had anything. But whenever she goes to have a little something I feel that anxiety, fear of having a fight like that again and a little anger to the fact that she's having it while we could still have plenty of fun together without it.

Tonight was her friend's "legal" birthday and they we're at her place and drinking. We we're on web-cam together and as she had more to drink I started feeling more anxious and angry, which lead to a few small arguments because of stupid things. Eventually the friskiness came back and she wanted to play back and forth over the cams but again I couldn't and felt like I'd be taking advantage no matter what she said. She got a little ****** but more-so thought I didn't find her attractive anymore. Again we worked past it and things are ok.

But here's my problem, I don't want to feel anxious or upset around her when she has a drink or two and I don't want to be afraid of her or myself when the time comes... Is it normal to have such a internal conflict over this or should I just forget what I feel and try and have fun?

 
Old 06-13-2010, 07:02 PM   #9
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Re: Uncontrolable anger/hatred towards drinkers/alcohol

Hi Soclosepaul. I'm Jenny. My parents were both alcoholics and my father died from it. Pretty gruesome death too...gas gangrene. Killed off his body one organ at a time until it could no longer stay alive and then it died a slow infected death while he watched. And yet he was bribing orderlies in the ICU to bring him booze.

I was angry at one time and then I realized what I really felt for them was pity. I'd rather have someone angry at me than pity me. So that was pretty bottom of the barrel for me.

And then I learned something. The drugs that treat bi-polar disorders....what they used to call manic-depression or just uni-polar depression....bi-polar but the only go one direction....down...those drugs fill the same places on the brain cells as alcohol. The same receptors. That was when I realized that my parents were self-medicating for their mental illnesses.

It is estimated that many alcoholics are doing this same thing. They can't stop or the receptors open back up and they plunge into depression. Many, like my father, would rather drink than be depressed.

It's not just an addiction but for many, it is a way to keep themselves from being totally miserable and I suspect, suicidal.

See them as sick, not doing it deliberately. And please do realize that many can drink without becoming addicted. I didn't inherit the genes but my brothers did. I can drink with no problems and do so maybe a dozen times a year. Same with my sister. But not the brothers. And they have kids who seem to have the genes as well. But my sister's son also has it. I have even traced the pattern back in my family. It was rampant in my mother's family in the women too. I just lucked out.

Does this help at all?

Jenny

 
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