I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now and things are going great. recently we moved in together for a while while his parents where away for 4 months (im 22, he's 21). Ive always noticed he gets irritated easily but while we where living together i was there when he got angry. I was down stairs and he was up stairs on the computer, the internet was running slow. I heard him start swearing and some banging so i went up to see what was wrong. He looked ****** off and angry but i remembered what he'd told me on a previous ocassion that when he gets "frusterated" as he calls it that i should go to him and let him know i love him. so i went up the stairs even with him yelling for me to leave him alone. i asked him what was wrong and he said the internet was running slow then started swearing at the modem and hittinng it against the wall. Not content with that he ripped it from the wall and smashed it to the floor, repetedly. Before sitting on his chair in a huff. i went to comfprt him and he promptly burst into tears and started saying he was sorry. I know he loves me but i wonder weather if i'd been in the way if he would have hurt me by mistake? This isnt the only time he's been 'frusterated' but its the biggest outburst ive seen from him. His father left when he was born and his mum has been with this guy ever since. from what he's told me the guy used to beat his mum when he got angry and used to hurt my partner on occassion to. i think his is a learnt behaviour and he doesnt really know any other way to express his anger. When i ask him about it he says that ever guy gets "frusterated" and punches walls and things. But i worry that it wont get any better. My mum tells me i try to hard to pasify him and make him feel ok. I dont know, does anyone have similar stories? or know of a way i can help him to express his anger in a better way? thanks
The best solution is for him to realise that it is not actually normal to behave in this way, and seek anger management help. There are programs for this in most major cities. I think all you can do is to talk to him when he is not angry and encourage him to talk out his 'frusteration' before it explodes. When he is angry, just leave him alone and do not try to talk to him then. Make it clear that you do not like this behaviour, and will not tolerate it forever. You are right to worry about your safety. If he ever turns his anger on you, leave immediately, go to a safe place and refuse to resume the relationship until he seeks help. Follow through with this, your future safety may depend on it.
I don't think you are overreacting, but bear in mind that a lot of people do mellow out over time. My husband used to be a lot more fiery than he is now. Having said that, it is not nice to live with physical anger raging around you. I still think that you need to be careful around him when he is in one of his rages. Sera.
The majority of men I know do not get angry like that. My husband has anger issues and used to go beserk over small things.. like the slow internet.. He's murdered puters, pulled electricity lines out, punched walls, thrown tools and pretty much destroyed a lot of projects he'd be working on. We've been together 15 years. I pretty much hid for the first 5 years I was with him. I had been physically abused before and so I was always careful to protect myself in the event he'd cross over the line. However, I began "walking on eggshells" and even developed a drinking problem around his issues. So I decided enough was enough. He always told me that he would never hurt me but I had to convince him that scaring the daylights out of me was hurting me and I didn't want to live that way. I won't bore you with the process but now some 10 years later he has learned to manage his anger. I can still see the crazy look in his eyes but now he just powers through his frustration. Our life is so much more harmonic and I love and respect him more for not acting out in a way that upset me and scared me to the bone.
ps. my husband wanted to find a county sponsored class in anger management but isn't it stupid that you can't get into a class and get the help you need until you've hurt someone?
"When i ask him about it he says that ever guy gets "frustrated" and punches walls and things."
This is not normal behaviour and he will only change if HE wants to.
"My mum tells me i try to hard to pacify him and make him feel ok."
You are young do you really want to walk around on egg shells with a person who is might to love you?
My Husband has an anger problem and blows up, it really makes me anxious, scared and makes me want to run away. No wonder why I suffer from anxiety, I am extremely unhappy in my marriage because he doesn't think he has a problem, won't do counselling (he says he has always been like this, you will probably soon hear that from your boyfriend as well). And too think that the way these type of men act are traits of abusers. Listen to your intuition because it is telling you something, life is too short to be unhappy.