I'm almost 24, and I'm a nanny. I have such patience that people would never see me as the person to be burst out in anger over anything. But I have been noticing a pattern lately that I have been having uncontrollable rage and anger come out of no where.
I noticed it has started last July, shortly after I have moved in with my fiance. I chalked it all up to that it was just that little of awkwardness everyone goes through when you move in with someone new; you notice the quirks that irk you to no end. But most recently I hace noticed that I would get mad at him over little things, like not answering his phone, acknowledging me when I tell him something, or even not saying hi when he gets home from work. It has slowly progressed to throwing pillows at him or pinning him against the wall, etc.
He has never fought back once, he lets me over power him, and usually I snap out of it and I am filled with remorse and I hate myself. I have notice this is starting to put a wedge in our relationship (we don't even talk some nights) because we are both scared that something might be said wrong.
I have been trying to walk away, but there is a part of me that just nags me to explode with anger. Is there any way I can control more? I have found that doctors and therapists really don't care and that a drug solves everything.
Hi, I went through the same thing when I got married. So if you did like me, I tried to deal with the details at the beginning but then one day I just began exploding for nothing! so this is what I did:
-I wrote down what was bothering me and I told him, and ask him to do the same
-I admitted my crazy manias (like I can not stand to leave the bed undone all day or the dishes for 3 days) and he admitted his
-We defined who does what and our space
-I checked the time of the day I had this anger, and I notice it was between meals so my sugar was low and with the stress it got even lower
-I don't get PMS but that could influence too
Changes are stressful, so writing down can help to get your perspective. When anger gets you, you can try to get a shower, breathe and think the things you like about the person and then talk to him when you are more calmed.
Have you thought about going for couples counseling? You don't have to be married, just have an unbiased third person listen to both sides and direct you towards solving the problems. In any relationship, there has to be compromise; no one always gets their own way. You began with anger over small things and now you are escalating to physical force. That's not a good sign. You should both treat each other with respect and discuss your differences in a calm environment with an open mind. When you're really ticked off, adrenaline pumps into you so you need to burn it off. I taught my kids to pound a pillow with their fists, go running or swimming or do some physical activity so they don't turn their anger inward (depression) or outward (and hurt someone else). Are you unhappy being in a relationship? What are you really angry about? Lack of control of your environment? Consider talking it out with a therapist. There's always hope that things can get better. I found a warm, loving psychologist who I know cares about me personally and I can call anytime I feel things are too difficult to face alone. I don't know that pills are the answer. Good luck.
Going back to your childhood, which is a Freudian method of dealing with problems, takes a long time. Anger issues that escalate to physical abuse need to be dealt with immediately. There is a red light there telling you that things are going well and that means time for action. Talk about today with a psychologist or social worker and find more acceptable ways to deal with the anger. You may have a reason to feel angry, but what can you do about it that would be constructive? Give it some thought.
i think you are fine, and you need to try telling that to yourself. Yes anger can cause a lot of damages.
Since you have been a nanny, maybe you have some set rules in your mind, yes you can bear these rules in the premises of the employer, or maybe rules set by your employers over the period of time have got into you.
yes i had rage in me before, and there were times when i feared the rage in me, as it could so easily break relationships.
i think you are very lucky to have a submitting husband, who is calm when the weather gets rough. A good thing is that you appreciate this gesture and you are aware that this trait is causing a wedge in your relationship.
It is also good to know you are looking for the patterns, it is time you looked for trigger, and also finding and advising a remedy to your partner that can help you when you are in the state of rage and in his presence.
Make a plan to figure out a trigger and remedy, talk to your fiancee about it. find yourself a time with your partner, which in your best wisdom is the time when there are least chances for you to flare out. and before you get to talk to him, prep and tell yourself over and over again, imagine, etc no matter what he says or doesnot say, does or doesnot do, you will not react. you know his every move, his expression, imagine your self in every possible expression of his and imagine over and over again that you will not react in rage. also take some emergency contingency into this conversation, and also tell him about it before hand and not to feel offended by your contingencies. the moment you feel your tone flaring up, stop, say nothing, hold a rolled up sock real hard, or walk out of the room and scream at the wall in the bedroom, come back and continue to talk to him. you could explain all this to him before hand by handwritten note or email.
get your self in a state of complete awareness, by telling yourself, today and for the next 1 week, i will watch my mood and note everything that disturbs your mood. you can also try looking back into your past to search for the instance that got rage out of you.
the rule of thumb, no one knows you better than yourself, not even your fiancee, as you rightly noted the problem, the solution is also in you. and you have taken the right step by being aware and looking for answers.
another thing that could help, let us say in your nearest past you know the things that caused you to rage. these are like unwritten rules that someone broke in your presence. break the rule yourself for a change. as an experiment, try to get yourself in the situation that you hate the most and control your emotions.
everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over again that your beautiful, you are good person, you are a happy person, you wont get angry. smile more often, and i mean genuine smile, like you would when an infant smiles at you...
treat yourself to something nice, even if you fail to control your emotions, this will help you accept that mistakes can happen, and will keep you going for the next cycle of attempt.
watch a movie that you are sure you would hate. and try to like it, i mean look for things you could like in the movie. you could try this with music as well. this will help you find a positive outlook in life.
put yourself in controlled safe dramatic situations and build your temperament without causing any emotional or physical harm to yourself or anyone.
find a nice scenic spot, spend sometime alone, watching the scene, sensing every sense around you, like smell, temperature, breeze etc... this way you will learn to get your mind away from your actual emotion and you will learn to ignore signs of rage.
or find a really quiet place, tell your fiancee you want to be alone in a real quiet place say for 30 mins, in total darkness. where there is no distraction whatsoever, and go over every moment that caused you rage and imagine yourself reacting positively to it.
ignorance helps. it may sound strange, but every time you feel even the slightest of disturbance in your mood, ignore the thought and replace it with a happy thought, better if you can replace it with happy times / moments with your fiancee.
yes the above guidelines, requires a lot of patience and awareness on your part and you are bound to fail the first time, or few times over and over again. try writting a blog or a journal where you are making a note of your failure, and close every chapter with a positive note encouraging you not to give up and pushing you to reach your goal.
this one also helps, avoid reading or watching news in the first part of your day, or through the week, all news are bad news and they generally trigger a feeling if hatred and remorse within you, and in most cases rebound as a disturbing trait.
It's not easy to talk about that. I have read a lot of books and meet people that know th human
body for centuries.
The Anger, the one that you can't control, their is only one reason for this.
It's simple, it's the pride. too much proud.
Somebody extremely proud. you upset him a bit, really nothing and he get anger, lose the
control of his talking.
And their is only one reason for that. This upsetting factor.
It s the life in the society.
If somebody has 5 friends plus get along with 5 colleagues, you see, people that mix in the
Then in case somebody upset them a bit they control totally the situation. they never lose the
control if you say something a bit bad to them.
People explained that to me. Society life, having friends, going to bar talking joking with
strangers but without alcohol, teaching swimming...and so on cure bad temper.
You see i m sure of this. Hope you success.
Sometimes it happens to me with my boyfriend or my friends. I can't manage my anger properly. I also get angry for no reason at all. They say some of it are caused by our hormonal changes. Women are more prone to that kind of hormonal activities.