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Old 10-12-2010, 02:03 PM   #1
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I need some major ADVICE! PLEASE HELP!

Okay. So, a little bit about myself and a little inside look into my past with my anger, and maybe you all can help me decide on what to do, and/or give me some sort of assitance on what is wrong with me. Please keep reading, if you're interested or think you may can help with my issue. Thank you!

I am 21 years old, I have just recently joined the Army as a 19D... combat job, I am now stationed in Germany. I have just recently got married to my lifelong love, whom I met 7 years ago at the age of 14. Right now she is still back in the states awaiting approval to move to Germany with me. I'm into very 'mellow' hobbies like golf, snowboarding and video games. Snowboarding very much being mellow yet super intense at the same time. Ok, well there is some info about my life, now to let you know a little about my history of anger.

From the time I was a teenager in high school and still to this day I have had somewhat of some anger issues, which started off very small. I would let things build up and build up, I would never really confront many people unless neccessary. Then eventually out of nowhere it would start hitting me, my mood would change for about a week, and I would explode on someone, then turn back to normal right after. I thought I was doing very well handling myself. Then it turned into me having outbursts about the most stupid things you could think of with my friends and family. I was so irritable at so many things for no reason. Now, so many years down the road it has only gotten worse with time. I am a very calm and collected individual for the most part, I'm not hostile acting, and I even handle most things that could make people angry pretty well, but when someone else is battling you with the same mindset, eventually I explode into an uncontrolled rage.

It's really not the little outbursts I have with everyone else that bothers me, but now its starting to step into my marriage... and THAT is where my REAL problem lies.

My wife and I are, as of now, stuck to the world of video chatting until she can join me here in Germany. Which is fantastic because I get to talk to her even this far away. But within the past couple of weeks, we have been getting into HUGE arguments, all of which are started because of one little thing that she is doing. I can honestly say that the things that are setting me off, are NO reason to get mad at all! And I realize this. So here we go. I find myself going from my normal, sweet loving husband mode, into a complete RAGE for no reason over things like, my wife talking to people in the background of our convo.'s online, or texting her friends while I'm on there. Even the tone of voice when she says things to me triggers me into an extreme rage. The only way I can explain the way this anger, is to explain how I feel during it. When I turn into this "anger mode", I literally lose all my ability to rationalize what I'm saying or doing. Quite literally I am 'blinded' by the anger, I get sort of a tunnel vision and am not aware of the things going on around me, nor can I logically think or speak, everything I say is out of anger, and I never let go of the one single thing that seemingly caused me to explode and I keep harping on it. I get to the point where I am yelling at her, and she is trying to handle it the best she can, then after she can't do it, the slightest attitude fuels the fire worse for me. Last night I was literally yelling at the top of my lungs over her playing a song when I asked her not to. I was completely irate about it, to the point where I screamed at her that sometimes she made me so mad that I wanted to kill her. (Please note the fact that I am not a physically violent person with women, nor do I condone anyone else who is physically violent with women, yet this was just an outburst of something. And if it wasn't important to my concern, then I wouldn't have included it, so take that into account.) I am really scared of these outbursts pushing her away, as I know it has made us more distant because of it. Not only that but I realize that this is becoming a problem and I need to address it somehow before I lose my marriage over it. If anyone thinks that they can help, or has something to say, please post on this. If I have left out any key information, or if I have rambled, please let me know, and if there is just some other information that you think may be helpful to this please inform me and I will comply as needed.

 
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Old 10-14-2010, 05:03 PM   #2
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Re: I need some major ADVICE! PLEASE HELP!

I think that for whatever reason...you have a fear that your wife ALREADY wants to end it and that your fear is feeding your anger. I picked up on it when you said something about the tone of voice she is using...and how you get angry when you do not have 100% of your attention while you are on video cam. Are these video conversations planned every night? It does sound like you have already pushed her away and that maybe she is not into these video conversations. I don't want to make you more angry because obviously, you are looking for help...but I do know that FEAR makes us angry....can you articulate what you are afraid of (to yourself or us)? And then you may realize what is making you angry. Joining the service is a commendable step to work on yourself...you are a brave person...and I hope you find a way to heal from this pain.

 
Old 10-15-2010, 04:53 AM   #3
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Re: I need some major ADVICE! PLEASE HELP!

Get a book, go on a course, and learn to manage this anger. It can be done; remember all the time that you are CHOOSING to behave this way. You choose to react with anger and this is something that you CAN control. Misssy is right about it being possibly fear or anxiety making you feel angry, but this is where good techniques come into play. You could work on this too, but the main thing is to take that breath and choose to park the anger and investigate exactly what buttons were being pushed. You are an intelligent human being, not a mindless robot, and you have the power to make that choice, take that breath, and move on. Cheers, Seraph

 
Old 10-15-2010, 08:20 AM   #4
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Re: I need some major ADVICE! PLEASE HELP!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Misssy2 View Post
I think that for whatever reason...you have a fear that your wife ALREADY wants to end it and that your fear is feeding your anger. I picked up on it when you said something about the tone of voice she is using...and how you get angry when you do not have 100% of your attention while you are on video cam. Are these video conversations planned every night? It does sound like you have already pushed her away and that maybe she is not into these video conversations. I don't want to make you more angry because obviously, you are looking for help...but I do know that FEAR makes us angry....can you articulate what you are afraid of (to yourself or us)? And then you may realize what is making you angry. Joining the service is a commendable step to work on yourself...you are a brave person...and I hope you find a way to heal from this pain.
You are right, there is actually an underlying cause that I left out, for other reasons, but for the science of the issue and the development of myself also, I will share it with you. I had a friend before I left for the military that was really close to me who had also joined the military a few months before and had just completed basic. During the time he has was in his AIT, and I was heading in, I introduced him to some of the things he missed while he was gone, and one of them was the girl of my dreams that had come back into my life after many years of being away due to family moves etc.. Then while I was leaving he began pulling the ******** that he had pulled on girls of mine in years past. Needless to say being a ******* backstabbing ******* friend. Well I got into training and 8 weeks in I learned that the entire time I was gone that he had been traveling over 2-3 states just to go see her, and she ended up cheating on me with him. Now, most people will say I'm ******* crazy for forgiving her, but I had my reasons to forgive so I did, simple as that. I did not however forgive him for doing something that selfish to me, I asked him to leave us alone, and even though he responded that he wouldn't talk to her or me if thats what I wanted, he kept trying to contact her. She would tell me he was trying to and said she wasnt talking to him. Well 7 weeks later once I got out of my full training I came home, with the wedding only 1 week from my arrival to home, 2-3 night before the actual wedding I was getting suspicious of her telling me he hadn't tried to contact her anymore. I knew better, because by the time I came home, he was finished with his training also, and was literally 8 mins away by driving from my house which she was staying at. I 'regretably'(meaning maybe I shouldn't have but if I hadn't I would have never been told about this) checked her facebook messages without her around, and found a message from the day that I arrived home, that he and her both had sent and responded in. Noting the fact that I read this message, and there was nothing bad about it at all, but the simple fact that she said I love you at the end of hers to him, literally drove me into a complete rage over the situation. After he had caused so many problems between me and him, him and her, her and me, it was just too much for me to even see that she could even send that to him, let alone even respond to him whether it was innocent or not. Don't get me wrong, I made no mistake in marrying my wonderful wife, I love her more than anything, and I know she wasn't doing anything REALLY wrong when I found that, but she did lie to me about contacting him back, you know? So even now, even with me trusting her to be in my hometown with my mom, I am still extremely scared that he wll try something or try to do something to her while I am not there. Being that close within an 8 minute drive of him really bothers me about the whole thing. Yet I know she wouldnt go see him or talk to him now, and the simple little fact that she even asks my permission to go into town if its even within 10 mins of his place, even to a restaurant or anything, and if I'm not there for her to ask, she doesnt even attempt to go, she tells her friends to bring her something back, or that she's just not going period. Which is comforting in a way, but damn... am I a bad person for being so paranoid about this?

 
Old 10-15-2010, 04:29 PM   #5
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Re: I need some major ADVICE! PLEASE HELP!

I feel for you. I have some stuff to say that you are not going to like mostly because you are already insane with anger....and secondly because I am on the outside looking in, I have no gain or loss for anything I am about to say to you...but I am the type of person who likes to help people...but, I don't think you will take it as help...again because you are so involved in the situation...but, try to pretend you were giving advice on this post to a total stranger. Read some of the things you wrote. First of all...you lover her to death...i get that....but, it is an unhealthy love...and it is unhealthy because there was trouble and distrust before your marriage and the day of you arriving home you see a message in which she wrote "I love you" at the end of. You chose to ignore that because you LOVE HER so much. Again, she wrote I love you. And you ignored it....that was a HUGE red flag that a wedding should not have happened at that time. You asked them not to speak...and you found messages on the phone...I'm sure there were others while you were gone and you don't know what THEY said. There shouldn't have been a wedding and she didn't have enough b*lls to tell you that she was in love with your friend. OR, she didn't want to break your heart and upset everyone that was planning on coming to a wedding. Now you are stuck in the service...and trying to hold on to her or hang on every word she says in the webcam talks...to see if there is a hint of something going on. She is ASKING you? ASKING you if she can go into town? She must resent that big time...when there is a marriage with love....and TRUST...no-one has to ask anyone to do anything. I know you wanted to forgive her for cheating...but the sad thing is...once a relationship has been tainted with cheating...its almost impossible to recover it. And in your case...what is making it more impossible is that he is down the street and the last correspondence you saw between them was her saying SHE loved him. Of course your insane and jealous...you have reason not to trust. And unfortunetly you acting in the way you are acting "obsessed" and "possesive" of her is pushing her further away. When you really let something go and forgive...you don't feel ANGER in your body....you feel peace. And you do not have peace for one minute...and she doesn't either...and this can not be making either one of you happy. I can't see your first post from here and I don't remember...but I think you said...she is coming to be with you? Or you are going to be with her soon? I hope so...because if not....the distance IN THIS SITUATION is not good. If you get to be with her soon and it is on your home turf...I suggest you go to counselling with her for your controlling issues...and for her to figure out who she wants to be with. I don't feel like she married you with her whole heart. I'm sorry...but if she was marrying you with her whole heart...she wouldn't be writing I love you at the end of her messages to another guy. If she had only wanted to be FRIENDS with him...that would be different...and I dont write I love you at the end of messages to my guy friends.
I know you LOVE her....but you can't FORCE someone to love you....

 
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