Re: widow anger
Jada, I am terribly sorry for your loss, but 10 years of anger would add a huge strain on anyone, particularly if you are already ill. I would encourage you to release your anger towards your husband, and free yourself of the anguish and pain that go along with it.
Focus your attention on your son, who you say is wonderful. First absorb the goodness of what he has to offer you, and accept his contributions to your life, whatever they may be. Use your energy to share your admiration for him to him, so that he may be re-charged by your love. If you are lucky enough to have a child who is there for you, show him your gratitude. All of us are not so lucky.
While his father may not have left you in the financial situation that would have been more comfortable for you, you have your son, who seems to be stepping in to help you.
So much of life is about our attitude toward it, and our health is diminished with excessive anger. No matter the cause of the anger, it eventually has to be forgiven. Otherwise it gathers more power than it deserves, and can take a life over. We do not want this for you.
I also suffer from life threatening illness, and suffer physical pain from it as well. I also have a son who is behind me all the way, and his love is enough to get me up every morning... for nothing else but to share my love with him, give him a big hug and send him off to his day. His dad did not carry the ball either, but that is not who matters anymore....the last 10 years have been forgotten. We focus on today, and each other. Nothing else intrudes in that, because we do not allow it to.
If your son sees the anger everyday, it will affect him too. To truly keep him free of your anger, you must let it go. There is no hiding anger, it seeps out of the seams. I bet your son would be thrilled to see his mom happy! That is likely his greatest dream for you.
My best to you both, Janet