Any tips would be welcome (even 2x4's)
Ok so a little background. I've been in counseling for over a year now. Originally it was because I was having trouble sleeping, being very depressed and unhappy and irritable.
As I went through counseling I've noticed that I've also been very angry ... for awhile. I'm usually very good at controlling it, managing it and then doing something to let it out or get rid of it. Or so I thought. I've been on a number of meds that just haven't worked or have made me worse. I'm a single mom of 3 girls, 13, 6 and 4. I'm currently in college because I lost my job 3 years ago and I haven't been able to find daycare I can afford on my own as I always have to have the courts go after their father for help and by the time it's in place I'm so far behind on the payments I lose my babysitter.
So anyway, over the last few years I notice I can't seem to keep a lid on my temper. What normally just irritates me and I can shrug off and get rid of later ... makes me blow up into weird rage fits.
Tonight I lost my temper in the worst way. My 4 year old dumped her chocolate milkshake all over her head and onto the floor. At first I was just "Oh my gosh get out here so you aren't dripping on the floor!!!" My 13 yr old was just firing off comments left and right, "Good going" and little snide remarks. I had said that no one was going to be able to have snacks in the living room anymore because no one is being careful.
Again my 13 yr old just started firing off remarks "Oh great this is all YOUR fault" "It figures you did this and made this happen good job" and these are said with VERY mean tones. I repeatedly just asked her to keep quiet ... after 1 minute of her not stopping I finally yelled "JUST SHUT UP FOR GODS SAKE" in which she just kept going. I told her to go to ehr room if she couldn't keep quiet. She turned around and made a snorting noise and continued with her comments.
I was so irritated by now and told her that if she was going to behave that way then she could help me clean the chocolate milkshake up off the rug quickly. She threw a fit and stood there staring at me telling me she couldn't see the stains. .... I then told her to get down on her knees and look closely at the rug in the light and to try to get them wiped up quickly so they didn't soak into the fibers.
Anyway by now I'm so fuming mad, my 4 year old is standing in the kitchen with chocolate milkshake in her hair and running down her clothes and onto the floor... my 6 year old is crying because I'm fuming mad and screaming at my 13 yr old to help me while she's sitting there telling me she hates me and she's sick of me calling her names.
(I was asking her if she was blind or if she was stupid in a not so very nice tone of voice) I'm usually so very good with my kids ... if they do get on my nerves and I get to that point I just tell them to go to their rooms for a few minutes so we can all calm down .... but now I barely have time to do anything anymore before 1 or 2 things just send me over the edge.
I take nice hot bathes to relax, go for long walks, exercise, I am in college, talk to my mom a lot when I start to get frustrated ... I talk to my counselor as well about how bad I am getting ....
Everything they tell me to do... I do it but it's just not working. None of the meds they have put me on have worked ... I meditate, do yoga, eat healthy ...
NOTHING seems to work!!
I'm at my wits end, I absolutely do NOT want my kids to have to endure my terrible rants. But it seems that anyone and everyone now just sets me off and I don't know why.
Anyone have any tips or advise???